Ronan Keating struggles with time, space

Simon Price, taking his reviewing duties seriously, plodded down to see Ronan Keating play at the Brighton Centre for the Independent On Sunday:

Brighton Centre, Brighton
Simon Price on pop: Lonely Ronan Keating clings on for grim death

The heading makes it quite clear, this is the Brighton Centre, in Brighton.

The review is fair, albeit unenthusiastic:

One song stands tall: the encore "Life is a Rollercoaster", written by Gregg Alexander of New Radicals, is a life-affirming anthem. Before that, however, Ronan goes into a weird, semi-humorous speech inviting us to meet him "on the pier for fish and chips", or "at the bus stop if I miss the bus". When he gets there, though, he'll be alone.

Ronan Keating - or rather, his "official", blue-ticked account - are fuming:

@nduffy8083 @simon_price01 Simon ya waffler the fish and chips gag was in Brighton so u were obviously not at the O2 tonight ha ha

— Ronan Keating (@ronanofficial) January 27, 2013

As Price points out on Twitter, this is taking "were they even at the same gig as me" to a new height - yes, he's reviewing a different gig to last night's one at the O2. That's why it's headed "Brighton Centre, Brighton".

What's even more interesting is that Ronan's official Twitter, thinking Price was passing off a Brighton review as a London review, doesn't take issue with Simon describing "an embarrassing singalong", the onstage camaraderie between Keating and his band as "fake", or the fanbase as "dwindling". No, it's just worried that a joke about the beach has been relocated to Greenwich.

Woot-ton: Something someone said about Ronan

A couple of weeks back, the New York Times printed a letter of complaint from the News Of The World's managing editor Bill Akass. Responding to the Times' story about Andy Coulson and his team phonehacking their way through the great and the good, Akass snorted out this paragraph of disgust:

Sources: In the days prior to publication the Standards Editor Phil Corbett wrote to all staff reminding them of the NYT’s ethical guidelines with regards to anonymous sources. We were surprised therefore to see the finished article was based almost entirely on anonymous sources – a “dozen former reporters”- whose credibility, seniority, motives or qualifications we are therefore prevented from challenging. The article also cites anonymous “detectives” and “prosecutors”.

There was one single named source who claimed direct knowledge of wrongdoing, as opposed to hearsay or supposition. This is pretty thin evidence on which to hang a 6,000 word investigation. I believe that by failing to adhere to their own stringent rules when dealing with the News of the World story, the NYT’s reporters and editors demonstrated clear bias.

So, running stories with only one named source is bad. It's worse than bad, it's unethical.

Hmm. There's a bit in Dan Wootton's column about Natalie Imbruglia standing in for Keith Duffy on a Boyzone tour (a bit like using champagne instead of root beer in an ice cream float) and that is sourced. But then there's a totally separate story about Ronan Keating:

Ronan, who is already battling for his marriage to YVONNE, is also struggling to cope as the anniversary of Steo's death on October 10 looms.

A source said: "The memory of Stephen's death is flooding back to Ronan. They were very close, like brothers, and Ronan has been going through a rocky patch."

And on and on runs the quote. From an unnamed source. "[W]hose credibility, seniority, motives or qualifications we are therefore prevented from challenging."

Gordon in the morning: Liam's trousers drop

Mr Smart goes to the Pretty Green launch, and who is the last man standing punting his overpriced clothes to?

I was shocked to see This Morning's seemingly-sweet host HOLLY WILLOUGHBY chatting to Liam's missus NICOLE APPLETON and on a tear-up with KASABIAN and RICHARD ASHCROFT.

Another surprise guest was Sugababe HEIDI RANGE, there with her bloke DAVE BERRY.

It's probably slightly more surprising that Ashcroft was there than Range, isn't it? This is a man flogging trousers off the back of his name - that's much more This Morning than XFM.

Liam spent most of the night chatting to MILES KANE from THE LAST SHADOW PUPPETS. There's talk he's trying to persuade Miles to form a band with him.

Let's hope that's just the fevered imagination of Gordon running hot, and not based in any trufax. The last thing we need is people starting to form semisupergroups from other band's less-interesting members.

And, remember, this is a tribute, not a ghoulish cash-in:

BOYZONE will release a tribute single to STEPHEN GATELY next year featuring him singing lead vocals.

Bandmate RONAN KEATING revealed plans to cleverly remix the song - which the lads wrote with MIKA - so it showcases Stephen's voice.

It just sounds rather like a cash-in when Keating starts saying things like this:

It's going to be the biggest song of next year, I promise.

That's 2010 ruined by the sound of cash registers ringing mawkishly, then.

Boyzone plan a "tribute" to Stephen Gately

Apart from inviting Jan Moir to perform a rap on one of the tracks, it's hard to think of a worse idea than the Boyzone Stephen Gately cash-in album.

Sorry, I tried to type 'tribute' but the spell-check keeps correcting it to 'cash-in'.

Boyzone will incorporate a number of tracks which feature Gately's voice on the album, Ronan Keating told Sky News.

Luckily, what with Derek Acorah being busy doing the Michael Jackson seance, Boyzone have got some tapes with Gately's voice on them they can use. Like The Beatles did with John Lennon. Although probably not even as good as that.

Darkness at 3AM: Fill latterly

The 3am Girls report on some great work for charity that Ronan Keating has done:

Ronan Keating's kids clearly have him licked... To celebrate Father's Day, the saccharine star has donated photos of his children to Royal Mail to be turned into stamps. Anyway, didn't kids used to have to shell out their pocket money to buy dad a gift?

I'm not sure any of this makes any sense - why would the kids lick Ronan if they're on the stamps? Wouldn't it be the other way round? And it's not like Ronan has done this as a gift to his children in lieu of a father's day present anyway, is it?

It doesn't help that 3AM seem to have misunderstood the story on which they're reporting - Keating has made one of those sets of Smilers books of stickers and stamps in to be auctioned on eBay in aid of Barnardo's; not quite what the Mirror team is suggesting.

Sometimes, it's like Showbiz Zoe even bores herself

And who can blame her? If you're churning out a piece about Ronan Keating's bloody holiday plans, of course you might fall asleep in the middle of it:

Romantic Ronan Keating is extending Valentine’s Day into a Valentine’s Week by whisking his lucky wife Yvonne off to a ski chalet in Switzerland.

Although Boyzone haven’t been nominated for any Brits, I thought Ronan deserved an award for his thought-fulness as he told me: “I realise it’s important to keep the spice in your marriage.”

Let’s hope he doesn’t
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... and that's exactly how it ends. Perhaps Zoe is hoping that her reader might suggest some appropriate ending.

Perhaps "... put the spice in the wrong hole"? "... bore her to death in the way he's bored me"? "... have any nasty diseases"? "... sing"?

Boyzone on film

The one piece of soothing balm about global financial meltdown is that it might just stop the planned Boyzone movie ever getting beyond the storyboard stage. We can only hope:

At his Breast Cancer Care Ball on Friday night Ronan also said he’s briefed Cecilia [Ahern] to make the “pure Irish” film “funnier than Father Ted”.

Oh, yes. Given that Boyzone can't stand still for a photo without looking awkward and wooden, isn't crafting a script which calls for split-second comic timing a bit of a risk? Wouldn't something a bit closer to, ooh, let's say Pigeon Street be better?

Thom Yorke: unforgivably rude

Poor old Ronan Keating has been bitterly upset by a frosty shoulder from Thom Yorke. If you have tears, prepare to shed them now:

"Thom Yorke from Radiohead was pretty rude. We were at the same hotel in Dublin and I went over to say hello as I'm a big Radiohead fan, and he just blanked me.

"I still love the music – he's just an idiot."

Of course, we only have one side of this story, and then not even a full side - did Keating introduce himself, or just assume that Yorke would recognise him? If Keating is such a fan (and it's hard to imagine how he could be; it's like picturing Bernard Matthews claiming to be a devotee of a vegan chef) perhaps he'd have been aware that Yorke is pretty shy and might find the approach of a despoiler of music hard to deal with?

Yes, yes, politeness costs nothing, and it doesn't reflect well on Yorke that he couldn't at least grunt something encouraging back at Keating - "I've read some great slash fiction featuring you", perhaps, or "Your mate seemed alright when he was in Coronation Street" - but it's akin to James Morrison's complaints about Madonna the other week: you'd have thought people who get it themselves would understand that there are times you might not appreciate having your personal space invaded by a well-meaning idiot demanding your attention.

Mika scuppers Boyzone

Not quite getting the point of being a songwriter for hire, Mika has thrown a hissy and refused permission for Boyzone to release a track he wrote for the marketplace.

Apparently, Ronan and his besuited chums came across the track, I Gave It All Away, and thought it would be perfect for their comeback single. You know, for the comeback that's "only" a Children In Need appearance for now. They recorded it, prepping it for a "the one-off reunion was such a magical experience we thought it would be fun to do some more work" announcement. Then Mika heard it, decided it was too cheesy, and refused to allow it to be released.

Apparently, Mika doesn't realise that every song he writes sounds as cheesy as the market stall in an Amish farm and the reason why the song sounded like that wasn't the artist, but the writer.

Victoria Newton twists the knife:

It sounds like a classic Boyzone song

Of course, as she's closer to Keating than a pair of rubber knickers in a sauna, she probably doesn't realise quite how insulting that is.

Boyzone: Won't someone think of the children?

Children In Need, eh? They've been raising money all these years, and still nobody's been able to sort out what's wrong with that bear.

They're having another go this year, and amongst the entertainmentish bits this year we're getting lumbered with a Boyzone reunion. Apparently to demonstrate that to do good, you must sometimes do a great evil.

There's a chilling sense that this is just a toe-in-the-water preparatory to a new album/full tour slog. We're thrilled, as you can imagine.

The only upside: does this mean Westlife can bugger off now?

Tomorrow finally comes

We're always fascinated by the anti-social neighbours who choose to play the same song over and over again. For example, what the hell could have driven Francis Cullen of Bolton to play If Tomorrow Never Comes by Ronan Keating at all, never mind for an unbroken stretch of sixteen hours?

Susan Jacques, who lives next door, said: "He used to start playing it at 11am on a Sunday morning and wouldn't stop until 3am on the Monday. The walls were vibrating and it kept me awake. I had quite liked the song until then."

Perhaps Cullen was attempting to undermine Ronan Keating, then?

Cullen has now been evicted; he's lucky - a less tolerant society would have strict punishment for infliction of Keating.

Westlife to reform

Oh... scrub that, apparently Boyzone and Westlife aren't the same band with a name changed to confuse their enemies. Boyzone are a totally different band, and they're coming back.

Although, to be honest, they were so bland it was hard to tell they weren't there in the first place. The Sun has spoken to someone who seems to know a lot about it:

It follows comebacks by Take That, E17 and the Police.

An insider said: “We have no doubt that Boyzone can do as well if not better.”

Since the East 17 comeback was an embarrassing debacle and the Police one hasn't taken place yet, quite possibly.

The sausage machine

You might remember a few weeks ago we mentioned - in passing - the apparent size of Ronan Keating's erection in a pop video. We're delighted, then, to have been cited on Bulge Report - and, you know, they're right - we did have no idea that Ronan's penis was already a hot topic of public debate.