Gordon in the morning: Finally, Cheryl is well enough to have sex (stories written about her)

On a day when you'd have thought the return of the worst bit of Take That to the band (more on which in a moment) would have been the showbiz headline, Gordon instead leads off with some rubbish about Cheryl Tweedy's sex life:

CHERYL TWEEDY has managed her first laugh since she was struck down with malaria - when doctors banned her from having sex.

A bit of Will.i is quite low on her list of priorities at the moment - with staying alive at the top.

But her boyfriend's Derek, isn't it? Why mention... hang about, you're not just making a laboured pun based on "will.i" sounding a little bit like "willy", are you? Surely not?

So on a day when there is actually big news, you've chosen to ignore that and just make a willy joke your lead. I see.

Lemmy unhappy with missing cock

Motorhead have licensed an official Lemmy collectible figure (that's what doll buyers in denial call them). Lemmy, though, isn't happy:

"I said to the guy who made them, 'Are you gonna put a dick on it?'" Lemmy tells Hustler. "He said, 'No.' I said, 'Then it's not going to get very much action, is it? Not very lifelike.'"

It's a dolly, Lemmy. They generally don't get "very much action" at the best of times. Not because of the lack of genitals, but because of their severe social problems.

Gordon in the morning: Rod Stewart puts cocks in McFlys' faces

The lead story on Bizarre this morning is rich man buys expensive car, which has left Gordon time to work on a story about Rod Stewart defacing McFly's passport by drawing cocks on them.

Somewhat oddly, Gordon opens the piece with this:

I ALWAYS thought ROD STEWART was a lord — but he has cracked me up with some childish tomfoolery.

Let's not worry that Gordo probably meant to use "child-like", which would be carefree and humorous, rather than "childish", which is a disapproving word and clashes with the claims that he's been cracked-up, and look instead at the revelation that Smart thinks that Stewart is a lord. What does that mean? Why does he mention it?

Purely to allow the headline to be:

Rude Rod is lewd of the McFlies

But even when Gordon has taken the time to write a paragraph just to allow the lord/lewd not-quite-pun, it still doesn't work - unless Smart believes that drawing a cock on Danny McFly's passport was meant to be sexual? And why would that then make Rod of rather than at McFly?

The sausage machine

You might remember a few weeks ago we mentioned - in passing - the apparent size of Ronan Keating's erection in a pop video. We're delighted, then, to have been cited on Bulge Report - and, you know, they're right - we did have no idea that Ronan's penis was already a hot topic of public debate.