Gordon in the morning: Ain't they dolls?

They're tiny; they look a little odd; and they're totally constructed from plastic. And now JLS have dolls just like them, too.

Gordon's very excited, but dollies are, sadly, something for most of the JLS to look forward to when they get a bit older and their parents don't have to worry about choking hazards. Nobody wants to hear about a child choking to death on Ortise's hat.

Gordon in the morning: Six inches of fun

Great news for people who enjoy dollies and JLS - or "less discerning children" - there are plans for JLS dolls to be in the shops by Christmas.

Gordon is excited:

GIRLS, you'll all soon be able to get your hands on the JLS boys.

The lads will be up for grabs as a range of Action Man-style dolls. Class.

A trio of small plastic figure with a fixed grin and limited range of movements that rely on the whims of children before they can do anything? And now they're having dolls based on them?

The manufacturers have high hopes:

A [Vivid Imagination] spokesman said: "We worked with TAKE THAT 17 years ago and generated sales of more than 200,000 dolls in one year.

"It very much looks like JLS will dwarf that number."

I'm a bit disappointed he didn't say "JLS will make that number look like a scale model", but perhaps he was too busy crossing his fingers and making silent deals with god that they've not made a terrible mistake.

Meanwhile, the Sugababes have got someone to make the Worst Desi Remix Ever of About A Girl and so have done a photoshoot wearing saris. That's a wee bit clunky, but perhaps Gordon can help lift the picture beyond a cliche:

SUGABABES aim to curry favour with their fans by spicing the act up with an Indian-style makeover.

Elsewhere, Gordon gets to write a piece about the election, which you might have heard about in the grown-up news. Admittedly, it's just an incoherent piece about Noel Gallagher's incoherent views, but it's still election coverage:

The fanatical Man City supporter said: "Me and the missus were talking about it because we've got to vote this week.

"She was going, 'Who are you voting for?' and I said, 'I'm not voting for anyone'.

"I'm just going to take my voting card and I'm going to put in massive letters 'Tevez is God' and throw it in the polling station. I'm voting Tevez."

He's quite the wit, isn't he?

Although this is slim pickings, The Sun seizes on it to try and shove it into James Murdoch's preordained narrative. So Gordon takes a weak gag, and tries to work it up into something that might actually have political importance:

EX-OASIS star Noel Gallagher is ditching Labour for the Blues
[...]
Noel was seen as a key figure in the Nineties Britpop scene, which New Labour tried to cash in on.

I think it's fairly safe to say that Creation-Oasis and Blair-Labour enjoyed something of a mutual circle jerk, isn't it? Although I'm not sure New Labour ever "cashed in" on Britpop, unless I missed Prescott flogging Menswear albums out the back of van. If Gordon means "tried to use to promote their agenda", that might be fair. But then, so did the press, didn't they? In fact, you could argue that lifting an interview with Noel Gallagher from an FA website to have a weak slap at Gordon Brown's campaign is pretty much a working example of "attempting to cash-in on Britpop".

Gordon in the morning: On me 'ead, son

There is one, undeniable truth in life, learned young, when pinching your brother's issues of Shoot and checking out the Focus On... column: footballers have rubbish taste in music.

Oh, sure: there are exceptions - Pat Nevin and... well, Pat Nevin. But, generally, most professional footballers' entire music taste could be catered for by the CD racks in a tolerably well-stocked branch of Asda.

This is known; and it has been known since the dawn of recorded time. Or at least since the introduction of the minimum wage.

It turns out, though, that it's news to Gordon Smart:

CRISTIANO RONALDO deserves a straight red card for some of the howlers in his CD collection.

What's he got, Gordon? Renee and Renato? Nothing but Stars On 45? George Sampson's record? (Okay, that last one is just ridiculous. Nobody bought that one.)

The Man United ace has all RICKY MARTIN’s albums and admits his top track by the Latin hip-swiveller is cheesy No1 single Livin’ La Vida Loca.

It's hardly that bad. For a footballer. Is it?

Ron says: “Ricky’s tunes are very catchy. Livin’ La Vida Loca is his most catchy by far and it is my most favourite.”

What a winker.

On the other hand, Gordon: You think Kasabian are brilliant. People who live in glass houses, with Kasabian on the CD player, shouldn't... well, they just shouldn't.

Elsewhere, here's Gordon's coverage (about three weeks after it was actually news) of the Beth Ditto doll:

BETH DITTO is more sumo wrestler than delicate Barbie.

But High Street store Evans have created a slimmed-down doll of THE GOSSIP singer to mark the launch of her plus-sized clothes range.

The image of her blubbery belly squeezed into a pair of Spanx at Radio 1’s Big Weekend is burned on my memory.

But the plastic version is altogether more pleasant.

Gordon Smart prefers unnatural doll to a real woman. Again, not exactly something you'd hold the front page for.

Play with Ditto

Is it disappointing or surprising that the Beth Ditto doll isn't a mass-market product, or even a limited edition, but just a one-off to punt her clothes line for Evans?

If it was really accurate, of course, it wouldn't actually be wearing any clothes at all, given that it is now the law that all photos of Beth Ditto must have her naked to MAKE A POINT of some sort.

[via @sheenabeaston]

Lemmy unhappy with missing cock

Motorhead have licensed an official Lemmy collectible figure (that's what doll buyers in denial call them). Lemmy, though, isn't happy:

"I said to the guy who made them, 'Are you gonna put a dick on it?'" Lemmy tells Hustler. "He said, 'No.' I said, 'Then it's not going to get very much action, is it? Not very lifelike.'"

It's a dolly, Lemmy. They generally don't get "very much action" at the best of times. Not because of the lack of genitals, but because of their severe social problems.

Katy Perry: isn't she a doll?

I know that China can react quickly, but who knew that - in between topping up the churn with melamine - somebody could find time to create moulds to make small, plastic versions of Katy Perry so swiftly?

It turns out, though, that the Perry doll is not your mass-market cash-in. Oh, no, it's a limited edition cash-in instead. They're only making 500; so there will be a lot of disappointed children come Christmas day if she hasn't already turned into a American Nightmare by then.

How have we survived...

... without an interactive Simon Cowell dress-up doll?

[Warning: contains drawing of Cowell in his underpants]

Girls Aloud in the doll's house

It might seem a mite cruel to suggest that Girls Aloud creating a bunch of Babrie dolls is merely the completion of some sort of karmic circle - ITV create Girls Aloud, Girls Aloud create dolls - but the cinema adverts suggest that it's really happened anyway.

The Cheryl Tweedy one is best if you're looking for something to hit your brother with, we're told.

Yeah, fine - til it knifes your Barbie

What on earth could anyone want with a Sid Vicious doll? I'll bet Malcolm's moping that he missed that trick.