NME Awards 2014: On the other hand...

While that last post and list of winners suggests the NME Awards had all the attractiveness of pork chops poorly cooked six weeks past expiration dates, they did at least provide an excuse for this to happen:



Yes, that's Metronomy with Mutya Keisha Siobhan doing Love Letters last night. It doesn't quite hang together as well as you might have hoped, but it's nice it happened at all.

Good pop advice

Are you people who were once in band? And getting back together? Is there a lot of press attention because of how your band fell to pieces the first time round? Are you getting a lot of promotion for your comeback?

Here's some advice.

Try not to give the first single a name that's a hostage to fortune.

Gordon in the morning: Naming rights

Come with us for a quick peek over the Sun's paywall, to see what fresh meat Gordon is laying out to tempt you in the new marketplace.

Today, he's got a story about MKS, in which Keisha Buchanan reveals they could have grabbed the Sugababes name had they wanted to [don't bother following the link, there's a paywall].

That's worth the price of entry, right?

Although you could have read pretty much the same story on the NME a week ago. And they'd lifted it from BBC News the day before.

Still, who wouldn't want to pay Rupert Murdoch to read stuff the BBC had so long ago they might have forgotten reading it in the first place?

Gordon in the morning: The first rule of Sugababes...

Keisha out of The Band Comprising All The Former Sugababes can't, apparently, talk about her experiences in the Sugababes:

“Legally, I’ve been told I can’t go into detail. I can speak for England and I’d enjoy telling the world exactly what happened but I can’t. I pretty much found out when everyone else did. We had a really good relationship.”

Yes, nothing screams "great relationship" like not even being able to talk about it for fear of being sued.

Sugababes hard at work in the studio

Heidi Range has told DigitalSpy that the Sugababes are writing music:

"We're all writing in the studio anyway," she said. "It's kind of ongoing. But there's no plans to bring anything out this year."

In other words, they don't expect to have the songs delivered to them for them to add the word "gurgle" to the chorus this side of Christmas.

Meanwhile, the Golden Age Sugababes, consisting of the characters who originally played the band, say they'll have some music to listen to in about ten weeks or so.

The artist formerly a Sugababe makes the artists formerly known as The Sugababes

I'm using "artists" in a sarcastic sense, obviously, but you'd expect that, right?

Yes, Mutya Buena has gone to court and won the rights to the Sugababes name, stripping the title from the band that, up until today, had been known as the Sugababes despite not containing any original members of the act.

It's arguable that Mutya doesn't really have any rights to the name, either - it's a bit like a sausage claiming that it owns the trademark Walls, but the court has made its decision.

The band-that-we-cannot-call-the-Sugababes-anymore will have to come up with a new name for their ongoing activities. Which, to be fair, seem to be less about music and more about this sort of thing:

If I were that scummy bloke who stole the Amy Winehouse Foundation name, I'd be registering SugarBabez right now.

Darkness at 3AM: Most of Sugababes turn to alcohol

That driving a car while drunk thing? 3AM reckons Amelle Berrabah can explain:

The Sugababes star, 26, who faces court after she was caught driving over the limit says: "I didn't know it was possible six hours later. The fact you can still be over the limit several hours later should be better known."

"I had no idea stabbing a man several times in the head could kill him. The fact you can stab someone nowhere near their heart and still kill them should be better known."

If anyone's going to get away with pretending they're so stupid they don't know that alcohol remains in your system, I guess it would be Berrabah.

Unfortunately for Amelle, it's actually in the Highway Code:

[Alcohol will] take time to leave your body; you may be unfit to drive in the evening after drinking at lunchtime, or in the morning after drinking the previous evening

So even if she had managed to never notice that you can still feel drunk hours after drinking, she should have at least heard the news before she took her driving test.

Instead of pointing this out, though, the 3AMies treat her like she's arrived bearing previously unknown news:

Don't say she didn't warn you...

No, 3AM. Our biology teacher warned us when we were about ten years old.

Gordon in the morning: Six inches of fun

Great news for people who enjoy dollies and JLS - or "less discerning children" - there are plans for JLS dolls to be in the shops by Christmas.

Gordon is excited:

GIRLS, you'll all soon be able to get your hands on the JLS boys.

The lads will be up for grabs as a range of Action Man-style dolls. Class.

A trio of small plastic figure with a fixed grin and limited range of movements that rely on the whims of children before they can do anything? And now they're having dolls based on them?

The manufacturers have high hopes:

A [Vivid Imagination] spokesman said: "We worked with TAKE THAT 17 years ago and generated sales of more than 200,000 dolls in one year.

"It very much looks like JLS will dwarf that number."

I'm a bit disappointed he didn't say "JLS will make that number look like a scale model", but perhaps he was too busy crossing his fingers and making silent deals with god that they've not made a terrible mistake.

Meanwhile, the Sugababes have got someone to make the Worst Desi Remix Ever of About A Girl and so have done a photoshoot wearing saris. That's a wee bit clunky, but perhaps Gordon can help lift the picture beyond a cliche:

SUGABABES aim to curry favour with their fans by spicing the act up with an Indian-style makeover.

Elsewhere, Gordon gets to write a piece about the election, which you might have heard about in the grown-up news. Admittedly, it's just an incoherent piece about Noel Gallagher's incoherent views, but it's still election coverage:

The fanatical Man City supporter said: "Me and the missus were talking about it because we've got to vote this week.

"She was going, 'Who are you voting for?' and I said, 'I'm not voting for anyone'.

"I'm just going to take my voting card and I'm going to put in massive letters 'Tevez is God' and throw it in the polling station. I'm voting Tevez."

He's quite the wit, isn't he?

Although this is slim pickings, The Sun seizes on it to try and shove it into James Murdoch's preordained narrative. So Gordon takes a weak gag, and tries to work it up into something that might actually have political importance:

EX-OASIS star Noel Gallagher is ditching Labour for the Blues
[...]
Noel was seen as a key figure in the Nineties Britpop scene, which New Labour tried to cash in on.

I think it's fairly safe to say that Creation-Oasis and Blair-Labour enjoyed something of a mutual circle jerk, isn't it? Although I'm not sure New Labour ever "cashed in" on Britpop, unless I missed Prescott flogging Menswear albums out the back of van. If Gordon means "tried to use to promote their agenda", that might be fair. But then, so did the press, didn't they? In fact, you could argue that lifting an interview with Noel Gallagher from an FA website to have a weak slap at Gordon Brown's campaign is pretty much a working example of "attempting to cash-in on Britpop".

Sugababes: Where nobody knows your name

Like me pledging that 2010 will be the year I grow feathers and a beak, the "Sugababes" are resolving to break America in 2010.

Presumably the idea of going to a country where nobody knows or cares who they are is appealing, so they can spend a few months with people going "who are you?" instead of "no, seriously, what have you done with the actual Sugababes?".

Quite why they believe a nation that has a Beyonce would be in search of a Heidi Range isn't clear.

Sugababes struggle with the concept of quitting

I'm not sure I quite follow Amelle's explanation of how Keisha came to be out of The Sugababes:

"We did not sack Keisha.

"Me and Heidi actually left the band and left her on her own.

"She didn't walk out or anything like that. We ditched her."

But then how come you're still trading under the name? If you quit the band? How would that work, exactly?

Gordon in the morning: Classic Sugababes

It turns out that The Sun's 40th birthday TV campaign is a series, so last night we were treated to a new one about how great The Sun headlines are. Or rather were, as there didn't seem to be anything in the advert from since MacKenzie left. Gordon Smart is again stood, blinking awkwardly at the camera, trying to convince us that Sun headlines were something "you'd talk about in the pub later".

Really? The headline?

There's probably only one headline which people were talking about hours later, but for some reason, The Sun doesn't mention its The Truth Hillsborough front page.

Even so, it's a really strange piece of advertising, as it makes a feature of the Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster story while, simultaneously, acknowledging that it wasn't true.

Even odder, Simon Weston is pulled in to remember its famous Falklands-era front page.

No, he goes with Stick It Up Your Junta, rather than Gotcha! Must have been frustrating for The Sun advertising team to realise that the most iconic headline in the paper's history was a nasty, bloodthirsty piece - admittedly written in haste while the newspaper was riven by industrial disputes - which treated war like a video game.

No wonder Gordon Smart looks a man trying to sell a house and hoping nobody notices the nuclear waste dump in the back garden while he does the advert.

Back at the day job, he's got some chilling news about the plans to bring back the original Sugababes:

And PR guru CLAIRE POWELL - who transformed Jordan from a glamour girl into a money-spinning brand - is on board to steer the course to glory.

Couldn't they find someone who knows how to work with people who actually have a bit of talent?

Now Powell, who was tapped up by Mutya's manager, has agreed to help mount a serious challenge to the Babes with the originals - or SuJorbabes, as I'm calling them.

You see? Sujorbabes. That's what we're dealing with.

Robbie Williams losing to JLS in the album charts this weekend isn't all bad for Gordon - after all, he has been working as an outpost of the JLS press office for a few months, and so his story is at least consistent with that. But, oh, fancy having spent a couple of months solidly pushing the Williams comeback - sometimes with a story a day, every day, for days at a stretch - only to see him stagger and run out of steam.

To be fair, though, the JLS album selling for peanuts in Sainsburys and Tesco probably was what really did for Robbie's chances.

Sugababes: Made-up futures of the rest of the band

Good god, the papers are struggling to find anything to say about the X Factor this morning. The Sunday Mirror is reduced to running a story claiming Simon Cowell is eating a lot of Angel Delight.

The People has something which sounds more interesting, and is only weakened by being almost certainly totally made-up:

Former Sugababes KEISHA BUCHANAN and SIOBHAN DONAGHY are set to shock The X Factor judges - by teaming up with the show's reject RACHEL ADEDEJI to form a new girlband.

I can reveal the stars, who were two of the original members of the charttopping band, believe Rachel, 17, is the perfect third member to rival the current Sugababes line-up.

Really, Katie Hind? Oh, yes, you have a source, anonymous as a white cat that doesn't really exist in a snowstorm:

"They'll have to wait a bit because Rachel is signed up to X Factor duties for a few months but after that she will be a free agent."

That's convenient - so, nothing will happen until everyone's forgotten the story. It's like predicting that the Mercury will crash into Mars in 2048 - sure, it's made up, but it's not like anyone will be able to call you on it, right?

The faux faux Sugababes

During the squabbles last month, the Sugababes Organisation were reduced to using stand-ins to take the place of actual Sugababes during the making of a pop video.

They seem to have forgotten to swap the proper Sugababes back.

Sugababes: Google, you've got to let go

Matt W emails to point out that, if you Google the Sugababes, the official site's metadata seems to be coming from some other, happier, time and place:

As Matt points out:

"The official website of the female pop group (consisting of Keisha, Mutya and Heidi)"

So, not only is it out of date in terms of Keisha, but also, Mutya's in there too. Four years after she left, no less!

You'd have to bet on Mutya being the only one who could do decent HTML coding.

Gordon in the morning: Trouble in paradise

Hard to believe - mainly because of where it's being reported - but the new-look Sugababes might already be cracking:

The barney kicked off last Friday at a photoshoot in North London when AMELLE BERRABAH's mobile kept going off. It disrupted the session and upset HEIDI RANGE and new girl to the trio JADE EWEN.

This might just sound like the sort of thing that happens all the time in the workplace, but - according to Gordon, anyway - it took a two-hour hiatus before things got moving again.

Elsewhere, Gordon proves he's not one to follow the herd, as he turns out to be the only person in the entire world to find Madonna and Lady GaGa's Saturday Night Live sketch in any way amusing.

Sugababes: Now comprising entirely of third Sugababes

It's confusing times trying to work out exactly what's going on over at the Sugababes, and in confusing pop times we look to Popjustice for clarification.

And there, you find a statement even Popjustice has trouble explaining:

Monday 21st September

The current line-up of the Sugababes has disbanded.

Heidi Range and Amelle Berrabah will continue as the Sugababes and will be joined by new member Jade Ewen. They release their album ‘Sweet 7’ on November 23rd through Island Records.

Keisha Buchanan will continue to record for Island Records as a solo artist.

So Heidi, Amelle and her off of Eurovision are now going to pretend to be the Sugababes, somehow, despite none of them having been around when... well, when this happened:

Sugarbabes - Overload
by FabCure

There comes a point when you might take a look at the name above the shop, and wonder if it really fits anymore. Calling Amelle-Heidi-Jade the Sugababes makes about as much sense as the Carphone Warehouse sticking doggedly to its name rather than adopting the more honest Pay As You Go Hovel-Shed.

Third Sugababe changes

The position of third Sugababe is, like the American Presidency or chairmanship of the Wheeltapper And Shunter's Club, a limited appointment. Oh, you might be able to find a new role as second Sugababe, but that's only for the lucky few - for most, you get one, maybe two, terms, and then that's it. You're moving on.

Heatworld is just reporting that Amelle Berrabah's time in the band has come to an end; perhaps one of the least-successful Third Sugababes in living memory, she's mainly been successful at getting the brand linked to dubious stories involving terrible allegations and great upsetment.

In a surprise move, they have decided the time is right to appoint the first ever Celebrity Third Sugababe (it's not known if this version, like Celebrity Big Brother, will only last for about one-tenth the time when it's an unknown holding the post.)

Well, I say celebrity - it's actually supposedly Jade Ewen, who is putting promotional work for her solo career on hold:

Jade Ewen's record label Geffen sent an official statement out just a few minutes ago which read, "Due to unforeseen circumstances beyond our control, we regret to inform you that Jade Ewen will be taking time off from all promotional activity for the foreseeable future."

Since this promotional work basically involved being seen leaving bars with one of JLS, it's not like there's going to be a lot of effort gone to waste there, then.

Bookmakers William Hill are taking odds on David Cameron replacing Jade by the end of the autumn; you can get 7-4on.

[Thanks to Michael M for flashing the news]

Gordon in the morning: Now post-feminist

Friday morning, Gordon was showing signs of heading off for the barricades:

What a refreshing change. Many women in showbiz will happily get their kit off just to stay in the spotlight.

So, is Gordon going to stop that sort of thing happening in the future? At least on his watch?

What do you think?:

Since landing her deal with the underwear giant she's rarely been seen in clothes.

That's Katie Green, spread without a top all over an office.

But hang on a moment... What's this?

BLIMEY. Is it just me or are pop videos getting filthier?

LADY GAGA touching herself and KATY PERRY kissing girls - it's just going too far.

Really, Gordon?

Yesterday, snaps of the SUGABABES rubbing themselves up against a steamy window emerged.

And today, SHAKIRA looks like she's in the buff and doing a contortionist's act.

But don't worry... he's not really upset, just setting up the hilarious double-take punchline:

On second thoughts...

And then he runs the photos. Ho-ho-ho.

By the way, you've got to love the use of the word "emerged" in regard to the Sugababes photos, as if they arrived on his desk by some process that was part-nature, part-espionage, rather than their publicity team ringing up and asking what format he wanted the pictures of the Sugababes in.

Celebrity Big Brother: What, exactly, is a Lucy Pinder?

So, in yesterday's batch of highlights from Channel 4's rest home for the famous but confused, the producers injected a note of cruelty into proceedings by making people demonstrate the skills which made them famous-enough-for-celebrity-Big-Brother.

Poor LaToya found herself singing along to one of her brother's songs and Mutya was invited to do a Sugababes song, rather than one of her solo efforts.

At least Michelle Heaton was allowed to do a Liberty X song - although that turned out to be even crueller, given that she could no more hit a note than a double-decker bus could hide in a single-storey garage. She was given a costume, in a bid to ape the latex-clad video for Just A Little Bit; sadly, it was a cheap PVC catsuit which appeared to have been wrestled off the back of a burly transvestite minutes before Heaton clambered in to it.

Terry Christian looked like he enjoyed it, though. Christian - by virtue of having been backward in coming forward on the first night - had earned the power of judge and jury over this looking-glass Butlins' talent night, and would later have to name those who he felt had insufficient talent to remain in the house. "Ooh, you've made me the bad guy again" he moaned in the diary room, trying to look like he didn't like the attention - something which he had about as much success with as he did disguising his loinal stirrings while Heaton strumped about in the baggy plastic.

One of those who he put up for the chop was Lucy Pinder, on the grounds that he'd never heard of her before. "I've never seen her in a bikini, I've never seen her with her... for want of a better word, waps out." Really, Terry? You couldn't think of a better word? Really?

To be fair, Pinder had pretty much flunked the 'why I'm famous' round, starting off by once again calling herself "a little bit Tory" (oh, how fantastically contrary for a rich-but-dim woman to vote Conservative). "I don't really like Gordon and his team" she underlined (ah, that sort of Tory - one who doesn't like the Labour party.) She then explained that she felt Brown had betrayed what they originally believed in while in power - but since Brown once strongly believed in good, old Clause 4 values, surely someone who supported Tory values would be delighted that Brown had turned his back on all that socialism stuff? Isn't it a little like saying you hate rain and then complaining that there's a drought on?

Unless Pinder really meant that she thought Brown was betraying Blairism - she is quite young, she might think that Labour has always been a centre-right social democratic party and that, by privatisingnationalising banks, he's turning his back on all that. Unfortunately, she didn't explain further because she then started to churn on about how great her job is - "I met the Bo Selecta bear..."

You wonder if Channel 4 have told Pinder to mention her mushy-right-wing politics frequently in a bid to provide some sort of Ofcom-calming balance to Tommy Sheridan's leftist blasts. Sheridan did, to his credit, take full opportunity to condemn the Iraq war at the top of his lungs - "I speak truth to power" he roared. If Pinder is meant to be the balance to this, it's like planting carrots in the hope they'll provide a windbreak for the rest of the garden.

I'm not quite sure how Ben Adams demonstrated the reason why he's well-known: how do you illustrate 'making teenagers feel strange tinglings they've never had before'?
[UPDATED: Thanks, Gatz, for pointing out the slip]

Liveblog: Celebrity Big Brother

The cost of inviting O'Meara et al on two years back: This year, not only is Celebrity Big Brother sharing a sponsor with "prime time on ITV3", but they're even using the same break bumpers. Oh, the shame.

So, Davina - dressed in an ostrich with Freak-from-Cell-Block-H gloves - is here to detail which C-Listers are prepared to risk everything for a chance to get invited back onto the B-List. Brought to you by Dreams, who must also be quivering alongside the collapse of MFI and the difficulties of their sofa-pushing brethren. Who do you have, Davina?

First: Latoya Jackson. Or possible a marionette Michael Jackson. Endemol could have been cruel, and given her the task of pretending she was her brother for the first couple of days, but they don't.

She claims the luxury bedroom, without even a second thought. Her intro tape is actually quite poignant: "I don't really know the world." She's hoping that Celeb Big Brother will teach her about it. Clearly not been sent tapes of previous years' programmes, then.

"I used to be in a girl group" - yes, it's Mutya, who tries to stress that there's more to her than "ex-Sugababe", but really knows there isn't. "There were a lot of rumours that we didn't get on" she observes, before effectively confirming them.

Her diamond tooth has the unfortunate effect of making her look a little Bugs Bunny when shot half-smiling. Still, at least UK contestants know they're expected to keep up a monologue as they go down the stairs and into the living room. LaToya was like a mime.

Vern Toyer was in Austin Powers, you know. Not that he goes on about it very much. (To be fair, he doesn't really want to drag up Shasta McNasty, does he?). He's got a plan. It's an evil plan. Like, you know, Doctor Evil out the film Austin Powers. Which he was in.

As he goes in - the back way, with a woman who tried to pretend she wasn't there even while he was asking her questions - Davina gushes: "how cute!" Not, of course, that she's be condescending in any way. Oh no.

Is "friend of George Galloway" a new political euphemism? It's used of Tommy Sheridan, who seems convinced that he's famous for his Poll Tax work rather than the nasty business with the News Of The World. Davina is called upon to add a bit of voiceover work to try and keep the legal team happy when he gets to that.

Sheridan seems convinced that he's entering the series "on my terms"; actually, he enters on a sea of boos.

Cut to the house, which is currently attempting to earn its entertainment corn by streaming live pictures of semi-famous people reading off laminated sheets.

Goodness, a woman who is famous for showing her breasts in tired magazines insisting that, hey, she's not like the stereotyped blonde airhead. Lucy Pinder proudly describes herself as "a bit Tory", which must be why she's adopted the free market in looking down her blouse.

"Don't put me in with a bleeding heart liberal" she pleads. Well, nobody has ever accused Sheridan of liberalism, I suppose.

Aaah! Ben from A1! Puppy eyes and... what's this? He's dissing his floppy curtain hair? Thinks it now looked awful? Bah, Ben. So, what have you been up to since you adjusted your hairstyle to fit the thinning at the back, exactly?

"I'm now known as a songwriter and a producer", he claims, bravely.

Adams tells us that he doesn't like going to celebrity hang outs - the people are arrogant, apparently. And, of course, it gets annoying being told that your name isn't on the clipboard.

Time is getting short for the programme - Ben is virtually manhandled through the doors.

Tina Malone lists her cv - "fat, Scouse, funny, bipolar, OCD". Oh, and ex-Brookside. It's cruel to put someone suffering from having been in Brookside into such an environment, surely?

"She's lost four stone seven pounds so far this year" trills Dav excitedly - which is really sticking to a new year's resolution with a vengeance. It turns out Malone has had a gastric band fitted, which sits awkwardly with her proud "I'm fat and healthy" claims on her intro tape.

Don't call it a comeback. Okay, Coolio - how about "a last brief grab for the spotlights before obscurity rolls in to reclaim its own?"

While lisiting his desires to be fanned by a naked young girl - "over eighteen" - he also details his wonderful career. I'm not sure, though, but if you're feeling the need to mention a World Music Award, you could look a little like you're desperate to pad.

He goes in wearing a mask on the back of his head - so it looks like he's walking backwards, if you ignore the mask being a bit crappy. It does have a tattooed tear, though - do you get tattoo tears for being in Big Brother?

At one point, Coolio compares himself to God, in a "I'm not really saying I'm like God, but - hey - you could see how people might get confused, right" tongue-in-cheek way.

Bloody hell, did Liberty X really drag on for six godless years? Michelle 'ooh, I were right fat back then' Heaton is next up. "I was married to Andy Scott-Lee for..." (insert your own 'contractual reasons' punchline here). It turns out that marriage was difficult because of the press interest - presumably in that once the press interest dried up, the marriage ceased to exist, like a light going off as a fridge door slams shut.

She took advice from Jordan and Peter about being on reality TV. It's not recorded if Jordan pointed out that her entire bloody working life has been being on reality TV, but since Lucy Pinder has previously implied Jordan is as thick as a kitten with glue on its paws, probably not.

As Heaton enters, Coolio immediately slides a glass of champagne into her hand. He really is slick.

So, all that vitriol Terry Christian got when he was presenting The Word? That was because all the media commentators wanted his job - which he suggests was "interviewing Sharon Stone and introducing Nirvana", rather than stumbling over the autocue, throwing to Hufty's OB from a nightclub in Goole and inviting people to eat maggots. He does, however, suggest the Word was a "septic T4", which only really underlines that he's not been on television for an age and most teenagers couldn't be blinking in "who's he" bafflement any harder than if Alvar Liddell had been clambering up the scaffolding steps.

He bounds over to Coolio and says "a long time ago, you were on a show of mine". Like he was Lew Grade.

"I guess most people will remember me from Ulrika, the pilot comedy show that somehow the BBC were persuaded to make for me," explains Ulrika, "although I'm also well known for my part in the John Leslie business a few years back." No, alright, she doesn't. Actually, she says that "people still shout 'ka-ka-ka' in the street" - and, sometimes, "look out, there's a bicycle behind you". Ulrika's main job in the house will be to be taller than everyone else, thereby providing a reference point in turmoil.

A quick trip back outside for Davina to run through the names again. Crowd reaction suggests BEN TO WINNN1111!!!; however, when the cameras return to the house, he's stood watching Coolio reading out the rules looking for all the world like an unmarried uncle at a children's party: desperate to be having fun, but with the creeping suspicion that he's made a terrible, terrible mistake.

Still, early days. There's 22 days of this to go.

Lest we forget
Ofcom verdict on CBB 2007
The celebrities enter the 2006 house