LaToya: Murder was the case. Or maybe stress.

It was quite clear that LaToya believed that Michael Jackson was murdered, right?

Oh... maybe not. Now she seems to have been persuaded by Paris Jackson's claims that he was worked to death:

La Toya, 53, reveals: “She said, ‘No, you don’t understand. They kept working him and Daddy didn’t want that, but they worked him constantly’. I felt so bad.”

No... hang on, it was murder:

She says: “I thought that from day one. You must understand something Michael always told me.

“He said, ‘If anything happens to me, if I die, it’s because someone murdered me. They’re trying to kill me’. It wasn’t that he was being delusional, they did this over the catalogue.

“He owned the Beatles catalogue. Most entertainers out there, he owned their music. He would say, ‘They’re going to kill me over that catalogue. It’s dangerous.’ Look what happened.”

He owned "most entertainers" music? Really? Do you want to nip off and check that before you want to decide which claim you'd like to believe?

LaToya: What more can I give?

Look, she's giving all the proceeds to charity, right, so there's no way that LaToya Jackson releasing a tribute single to her brother is in any way an attempt to try and bolster her own career, is it?

Even if it's just a track off her forthcoming album. Even then.

AEG miss the point a little while LaToya cries moider

The city of LA has suggested that AEG might like to pay some of the costs associated with the Michael Jackson farewell promotional event.

AEG aren't rushing forward to help:

But AEG president Tim Leiweke said that AEG did pay for the memorial itself.

Leiweke seems to have been breathing too deeply from the fumes of Jackson overstatement, as he seems to feel that putting on an event is, somehow, an act of public generosity in its own right. In summary, AEG's position seems to be 'why should we pay for the crowd control? We already paid out to bring the crowds there in the first place'.

Meanwhile, LaToya Jacksons talks to the News Of The World (or possibly has a private conversation which the News Of The World paid money to get transcribed):

I will nail Michael Jackson's killers

Blimey. That's got to be up there with the death penalty as a cruel and unusual punishment, hasn't it?

Oh. As in "capture". I see.

Yes, "killers" - for LaToya believes that someone went out their way to kill Jackson. Presumably someone who couldn't wait another ten minutes or so for natural causes to do the work.

Jackson says she knows who did it - and yet, surprisingly, doesn't seem quick to share that vital piece of information:

"Michael WAS murdered," declared La Toya, 53. "And we don't think just one person was involved. Rather, it was a conspiracy of people. I feel it was all about money. Michael was worth well over a billion in music publishing assets and somebody killed him for that. He was worth more dead than alive."

Yes. Somebody - or bodies - who couldn't wait to get their hand on all that lovely, lovely debt that outweighed the value of his assets.

The Hooded Claw, speaking to the Sunday Mirror on condition of anonymity, explained that there wasn't a criminal mastermind alive who wouldn't kill to seize control of a complex of networks of companies that owned rights that had been used as collateral against unsustainable debts. "I mean, who wouldn't, right? And personally, I'd have made sure I killed him right before he did all those gigs to clear large chunks of the debt, rather than wait a few months, see the debt mountain reduced, and kill him when it would seem even more plausible that he just conked out from a year's worth of efforts in Greenwich."

Still, LaToya knows the names of people who were happy enough to conduct what would have been one of the most high-profile murders in history, despite the financial trail making them obvious suspects. And yet, rather than name them, she's just let them know she knows who they are, but isn't going to tell people yet. Has LaToya ever seen an episode of Columbo? Does she not realise that that sort of behaviour usually gets you wrapped in a carpet and dumped over the side of a boat bobbing about on Lake Michigan?

But to be fair, Columbo is a made-up story about murders. Which is totally different from this one. Because it doesn't have Peter Falk in it.

Celebrity Big Brother: What, exactly, is a Lucy Pinder?

So, in yesterday's batch of highlights from Channel 4's rest home for the famous but confused, the producers injected a note of cruelty into proceedings by making people demonstrate the skills which made them famous-enough-for-celebrity-Big-Brother.

Poor LaToya found herself singing along to one of her brother's songs and Mutya was invited to do a Sugababes song, rather than one of her solo efforts.

At least Michelle Heaton was allowed to do a Liberty X song - although that turned out to be even crueller, given that she could no more hit a note than a double-decker bus could hide in a single-storey garage. She was given a costume, in a bid to ape the latex-clad video for Just A Little Bit; sadly, it was a cheap PVC catsuit which appeared to have been wrestled off the back of a burly transvestite minutes before Heaton clambered in to it.

Terry Christian looked like he enjoyed it, though. Christian - by virtue of having been backward in coming forward on the first night - had earned the power of judge and jury over this looking-glass Butlins' talent night, and would later have to name those who he felt had insufficient talent to remain in the house. "Ooh, you've made me the bad guy again" he moaned in the diary room, trying to look like he didn't like the attention - something which he had about as much success with as he did disguising his loinal stirrings while Heaton strumped about in the baggy plastic.

One of those who he put up for the chop was Lucy Pinder, on the grounds that he'd never heard of her before. "I've never seen her in a bikini, I've never seen her with her... for want of a better word, waps out." Really, Terry? You couldn't think of a better word? Really?

To be fair, Pinder had pretty much flunked the 'why I'm famous' round, starting off by once again calling herself "a little bit Tory" (oh, how fantastically contrary for a rich-but-dim woman to vote Conservative). "I don't really like Gordon and his team" she underlined (ah, that sort of Tory - one who doesn't like the Labour party.) She then explained that she felt Brown had betrayed what they originally believed in while in power - but since Brown once strongly believed in good, old Clause 4 values, surely someone who supported Tory values would be delighted that Brown had turned his back on all that socialism stuff? Isn't it a little like saying you hate rain and then complaining that there's a drought on?

Unless Pinder really meant that she thought Brown was betraying Blairism - she is quite young, she might think that Labour has always been a centre-right social democratic party and that, by privatisingnationalising banks, he's turning his back on all that. Unfortunately, she didn't explain further because she then started to churn on about how great her job is - "I met the Bo Selecta bear..."

You wonder if Channel 4 have told Pinder to mention her mushy-right-wing politics frequently in a bid to provide some sort of Ofcom-calming balance to Tommy Sheridan's leftist blasts. Sheridan did, to his credit, take full opportunity to condemn the Iraq war at the top of his lungs - "I speak truth to power" he roared. If Pinder is meant to be the balance to this, it's like planting carrots in the hope they'll provide a windbreak for the rest of the garden.

I'm not quite sure how Ben Adams demonstrated the reason why he's well-known: how do you illustrate 'making teenagers feel strange tinglings they've never had before'?
[UPDATED: Thanks, Gatz, for pointing out the slip]

Celebrity Big Brother: You can never accuse Guardian readers of being ill-informed

A vague couple of words speculating that LaToya Jackson might be this year's Jackson in the Big Brother house unleashed an enormous monster of a Jackson fan in the comments:

You would only have to bother Googling La Toya Jackson to know that she too is representing the pop world, with 10 albums released since 1980, a Grammy nomination for her songwriting. A few people out there may also know her recent US club chart hits Just Wanna Dance and Free The World under her alias 'Toy'. She was also part of USA for Africa - We Are The World too. Her last UK releases were 1988's You're Gonna Get Rocked single with hip-hop superproducers Full Force and the accompanying LP with tracks by Stock Aitken Waterman amongst others. She's a best-selling author, actress, and her Playboy issues are still the biggest sellers of all time. It'll be great to see her back. Last time she was over here was in 2005 on Frank Skinner, supporting Michael and talking about her life. It should be a great 3 weeks of top telly with Toy on board.

Wow... more people wanted to look at her naked in Playboy than anyone else, huh? That's quite an, erm, achievement (outselling Debbie Gibson's vagina? Who wouldn't be proud?). Still, it's actually quite sweet to see that Jackson still has fans so proud of her that they'll submit a biography to counter any suggestion she might be less famous than Mutya from the Sugababes. I say "fans"; jumping to the conclusion that the press handout might have come straight from the PR team who have got her into this mess in the first place might be uncharitable.

Amongst the others being tipped for a place in the programme which is part handbasket, part tumbrel, are Terry Christian (recently lost his unfair dismissal claim against the BBC on the grounds that, erm, he didn't work for them); Michelle Heaton out of Liberty X (sort of undermining Popbitch's belief that they somehow beat Hear'Say in the long run); Ulrika (getting GBP175,000 - more than anyone else, according to Wikipedia); Lucy Pinder (apparently not owning a shirt now constitutes 'celebrity'); Malcolm Gladwell (hoping to discover exactly where his tipping point is); Verne Toyer (as part of his bid to appear on any reality programme that will have him); Tina Malone (off of Brookside); Coolio (wearing a tshirt reading 'self-parody? what does that even mean?') and Ben from A1, who will spend the three days before he's evicted wandering around showing off his nipples.

Money for old stope

Could there be value in that stuff which you'd normally be shucking off to landfill? If there's a vague celebrity conenction, you could be quids in. A company called Marquee Capital is looking to create an investment opportunity in high-grade celebrity memorabilia, with a strong focus on Madonna.

It'll take anything with a value - Gary Glitter's old teaspoons, Richard from the Verve's uncollected dry cleaning - but mainly, yes, it's suggesting you invest your pension scheme in stuff Madonna has touched. Why?:

* Continued Popularity, Appeal and Diverse Fan Base – she has successfully been able to continuously reinvent herself, ensuring longevity in an otherwise ruthless industry
* Achievements and Success – she is the most successful female music artist of all time and continues to flourish
* Diversity – she is not only a renowned singer/song writer, but Madonna has authored 5 children’s books, won a Golden Globe award for her role in Evita and more recently, designed a range of clothing for the retail chain H&M
* Supply / Demand Imbalance – the demand for genuine Madonna memorabilia outstrips the supply available; genuine Madonna memorabilia rarely come up in auctions – when they do become available, the increase in bidding activity drives the values up

The "otherwise ruthless industry" bit is interesting, suggesting that she has a kind of Daniel In The Lion's Den aspect to her.

Still: it makes sense, doesn't it? Madonna stuff will probably continue to grow in value, at least for the next few years (although long-term, we'd still suggest bricks and mortar would be less risky.)

So, the rest of the people whose discarded stuff is being invested in are equally top-notch, then?

Well, except Goldie Hawn, perhaps. And I'm not sure I'd want to gamble my plans for a comfortable old age on a part-share in Latoya Jackson's used leather trousers.

Can you feel it?

Presumably while they mark time waiting for the 50 foot model of Michael to be built in the desert prior to their taking over all the theatres, or something, Jermaine, Tito and LaToya have possibly signed on to be the judges for the latest reworking of the OpKnocks idea. Naturally, this time, it's a search for a musical family.

Yes, it's like a cross between American Idol and Honey, We're Killing The Kids. CBS are apparently onboard partly because of the glint of the Jacksons name (although, to be honest, Tito Jackson sounds less like a member of the most-famous musical family this side of the Osmonds, more like a mid-market red wine), and partly because they think people might not notice it's yet another "you're a good singer... you're a good singer... now, ring and vote" programme ("partly due to the twist on the singing competition, Variety claims").

The happy experiences of the Jacksons as singing children - plus the prospect of Uncle Michael dropping round with the Jesus juice and magazine collection - will doubtless not dissuade every showbiz Mom from Wichita Falls to Toledo signing their kids up.