Gordon in the morning: Man to spend Christmas with partner's family

Yes, that's the big splash on Bizarre today, that Matt Bellamy will spend Christmas with Kate Hudson and her family.

You might think that Gordon would struggle to make this typical Yuletide plan into anything beyond a nib, but Gordon has got it covered.

Let's also hope [Matt's] mum doesn't take along any proof of his circumcision when he was a lad.

I'm sorry...what?

Yes, Gordon has decided - hilariously - that it's going to be just like Meet The Fockers. No, Kate Hudson wasn't in that movie, nor were Goldie Hawn or Kurt Russell, her mum and stepdad. In fact, the only link seems to be that that's a film about someone meeting somebody's family, and that's what Matt's doing so... it's bound to be identical, right?

MUSE rocker MATT BELLAMY could soon end up nicknamed Gaylord Focker if his Christmas get-together fails to go to plan.

It's a slim conceit, but you might just be able to get away with one reference, however shoe-horned in.

Matt may decline the water volleyball as he doesn't want to give Kate a shiner.

Like in the film. Do you see?

As long as Matt doesn't kill the cat or get caught raiding Goldie's undercrackers drawer, it should be happy families.

Like in the film. Do you see?

Of course, Gordon's not so gauche as to assume that simply listing the plot of a film and adding 'let's hope that doesn't happen, eh, reader?' isn't enough to carry an entire piece, so he turns to wondering how Bellamy's in-laws - who may or may not be going along together too, depending on which paragraph you're on (at one point, the families are all "shacking up together", at another, there's talk of "splitting the US trip between [Matt's parents]") - will get on with Hudson's:

Kurt is a huge music fan and Matt's dad used to be a guitar player in Sixties group THE TORNADOS so there's already common ground.

Oh, yes. That's practically being brothers, isn't it?

"I was once in a band"
"That's such a crazy coincidence, I've just bought a CD. From a shop. That's got a band on it."

Perhaps it's best to stick to wedging in references to barely-connected comedy films as possible events that you hope don't occur during the holidays.

Let's hope Kate Hudson doesn't put a flute up her pussy, eh, readers?

Money for old stope

Could there be value in that stuff which you'd normally be shucking off to landfill? If there's a vague celebrity conenction, you could be quids in. A company called Marquee Capital is looking to create an investment opportunity in high-grade celebrity memorabilia, with a strong focus on Madonna.

It'll take anything with a value - Gary Glitter's old teaspoons, Richard from the Verve's uncollected dry cleaning - but mainly, yes, it's suggesting you invest your pension scheme in stuff Madonna has touched. Why?:

* Continued Popularity, Appeal and Diverse Fan Base – she has successfully been able to continuously reinvent herself, ensuring longevity in an otherwise ruthless industry
* Achievements and Success – she is the most successful female music artist of all time and continues to flourish
* Diversity – she is not only a renowned singer/song writer, but Madonna has authored 5 children’s books, won a Golden Globe award for her role in Evita and more recently, designed a range of clothing for the retail chain H&M
* Supply / Demand Imbalance – the demand for genuine Madonna memorabilia outstrips the supply available; genuine Madonna memorabilia rarely come up in auctions – when they do become available, the increase in bidding activity drives the values up

The "otherwise ruthless industry" bit is interesting, suggesting that she has a kind of Daniel In The Lion's Den aspect to her.

Still: it makes sense, doesn't it? Madonna stuff will probably continue to grow in value, at least for the next few years (although long-term, we'd still suggest bricks and mortar would be less risky.)

So, the rest of the people whose discarded stuff is being invested in are equally top-notch, then?

Well, except Goldie Hawn, perhaps. And I'm not sure I'd want to gamble my plans for a comfortable old age on a part-share in Latoya Jackson's used leather trousers.