That's Christmas ruined

From MTV:

Gwyneth Paltrow shared a video of her daughter playing the guitar, proving she's inherited dad Chris Martin's music skills.

Sunday Mirror seems surprised by children growing up

I know it must be a bore of a job, having to try and interest people in a picture of Mel B, while trying to justify running a photo of a teenager. But... come on, Sunday Mirror:

Mel B's daughter Phoenix continues her grown-up transformation as teen towers beside her mum

"Continues her grown-up transformation". I know teenagers find growing into adulthood can be difficult, but who knew that it was such a struggle for headline writers as well?

Bookmarks: Carol Decker

There's a lovely short piece in the Henley Standard that's partly about T'Pau, but really about how children don't really know what their parents do at work:

CAROL Decker’s daughter didn’t realise how famous her mum was until she saw her singing in front of 10,000 people.

Scarlett Coates was 10 when she and her brother Dylan watched T’Pau’s performance at the first Rewind festival in Henley.

Whoever thought we'd have something in common with Usher's son?

We're both unimpressed:

Usher says his son Naviyd Ely Raymond, who turns 6 in December, isn’t impressed with the multiplatinum singer.

“He doesn’t care about what I do as much. … He’s like, ‘I’m the star. Who are you? You sing?'” Usher said in a recent interview.

“He told me the other day, he says, ‘You’re not a great singer,'” Usher, 36, continued with a laugh. His reply to his son: “What? I’m a great singer!”

To be honest, if you're son's only six and already twigged that you're not the greatest everything in the world, you've got a terrible problem there. Most sons are convinced they've been sired by a cross between Superman and Superman II until they're eight at the very least.

Madonna cleans up party mess

A couple of days ago, Madge stuck up an instagram of her kid, Rocco (named after To Rococo Rot, of course). He was holding a bottle of gin.

He is, of course, thirteen.

The internet tutted, and Madonna tutted back:

Despite not showing any of the three boys drinking the alcohol, Madonna was criticised by fans commenting that the image was irresponsible. Responding to the comments, she replied by posting another picture with the caption: "No one was drinking we were just having fun! Calm down and get a sense of humor! Don't start the year off with judgement!"

Ah yes, the fun old game of standing around with a bottle of gin you don't intend to drink at all. I bet a few games of that have been played in family homes this Christmas, right?

Still, nobody can accuse Madonna of not practicing what she preaches. Posting a picture of your kid with a huge bottle of gin really is not having any judgement at the start of the year.

Liam Gallagher's kids are, it turns out, typical kids

Here's some heartwarming news: Liam Gallagher's children are like other children:

He said: ''It's got to the stage where my kids sneak off and go, 'You're not walking with me man.' I'm like, 'Hey, I'm a f***ing cool dad!' 'No you're not.' 'I f***ing am. All your mates think I'm cool anyway...' 'They think you're a bit of a d**k actually' It seems I've got a lot of work to do.''

It's not entirely clear what "work" Liam plans to make himself seem cool to thirteen year-olds; I'm hoping it's wearing a baseball cap back-to-front and using teen slang all the time.

Do children listen to less music? Netmums say yes.

There's a survey been gathered by Netmums, which is a bit like Mumsnet but with its name the other way round; they're attempting to work out when childhood ends by asking parents what they think.

The results don't actually appear to have been published, but the summary has news that might make music industry executives a little queasy:

Only 23% spend time reading compared to 41% of their parents at the same age, while half the number of modern tweens listen to music (17%) compared to their parents (39%).

The musical sky is falling in! The musical sky is falling in!

But hang on a moment. The summary of the findings isn't exactly scientifically worded. Take this bit:

Parents also slammed retailers provision for tween fashion, especially for girls, with over half (54%) angry that stores only provide 'clothes that can be too sexual, such as overtly short skirts or crop tops'.

It's a valid concern, certainly. But did the research actually ask parents if they were "angry"? Or just if they agreed it was happening? And the word "only" in there is suspising. Stores only sell clothes that can be too sexual? The "only" seems quite definitive, but the "can be" seems more vague.

And what does this mean about the other 46%? Are they okay with the idea? Do they not believe the proposition?

Perhaps in the original research this question is a bit clearer, but without access to that data, all we've got is a presentation that has been designed to generate headlines.

So, we should approach this finding with caution. But even if you take it at face value, are less than one-in-five tweens listening to music?

Almost certainly not. It's probably more a generational difference in what constitutes "listening to music". Across the last generation, music has crept more and more inside personal devices, listened to through earbuds, with silent, gestural interfaces; music is purchased remotely and doesn't enter the house in plastic bags, making its arrival harder to spot.

And while a parent can think back and recall that at a social gathering, they listened to music, they're less able to judge if "listening to music" is part of an event that is pitched to them as "having mates over".

And there's probably a smidge of generational snobbery in there too - when I had a young, fresh face, i can recall scraggier, more wrinkly people telling me that my generation didn't really listen to music.

For their cohort, it was communal experience, rolling ciggies on the album sleeve and communing with the music, whereas us lot? We just had it on in the background and stuck photos of popstars in scrapbooks.

Are the current generation of parents any different? Kids today don't listen to music like Justin Jespen. It's not like them and The Spice Girls, where you had to really pay attention to understand the message.

So, less than one-in-five tweens listening to music? We could try asking them directly. But we'll have to wait until they've finished making their Harlem Shake video.

Gordon in the morning: Chipping in

The Press Complaints Commission, so wishy-washy in so many ways, is very clear about the children:

Editors must not use the fame, notoriety or position of a parent or guardian as sole justification for publishing details of a child’s private life.

With that in mind, there must surely be some other reason that the Beckham parent's fame for Gordon to run massive, long-lens shots of Cruz Beckham in a chip shop this morning?

WORDS I never thought I’d write – here’s POSH SPICE going into a chippy.

VICTORIA popped into the takeaway in London with her youngest lad CRUZ.

She could easily fit a family-sized order of saveloys in that bag.

Ah, yes - speculation about the number of sausage products a parent could fit into a handbag. That's clearly a justification under the PCC code.

Gordon in the morning: Won't someone think of the children, again?

As he brings news that they're going to clamber onto the showbiz wagon (weren't they already there?) Gordon Smart quotes an "insider" on the progress of the Jackson children:

["T"]hey find school tough.

“Kids can be really cruel."

Yes, it's the kids. Not the tabloids who keep dragging the Jackson brood into the spotlight, running their text messages and laundering their family troubles in plain sight. It's the school kids who might mention this who are really cruel.

Gordon in the morning: Where is Beckham band?

A bunch of long-lens, creepy-peering over the bushes photos of small children. For most people, that would be the reason they'd never be able to take their computer to PC World for fixing; for The Sun, it's a lead story on the showbiz pages.

Still, Gordon must have an important story that makes it worth ignoring the rule about not publishing photos of kids simply because their parents are famous, right?

WE’VE had The Bee Gees, Hanson and the Jonas Brothers – now it’s time for The Beckhams.

No, it's actually just a load of made-up stuff about the Beckham kids supposedly forming a band, most of which relies on a throwaway comment from Victoria Beckham in another publication and two other bits of fluff from other Bizarre columns. (When Gordon told Justice Leveson he made sure all his stories are true, it turns out he means he cross-references with his other columns. Sometimes.)

So what is this band?

Brooklyn, who has been repeatedly strumming The Beatles’ Here Comes The Sun, plays guitar while Romeo is on drums.

Cruz, who is also mad on ballet, is the Bez of the group because he breakdances along to their efforts.

Apart from calling a child a Bez online being on a par with Facebook bullying, this is some kids hitting instruments. One of them not even hitting instruments, but dancing. At different bloody times.

Bull And Gate Weekend: Jynxt

Not the highest of fi as far as videos go, but worth a look; this is Jynxt playing the Bull And Gate sometime around 2007-ish:



Jynxt were something of a strange offering: mostly comprised of the children on one of Fleetwood Mac (Jeremy Spencer, to be precise), all the indications were that they should have been dreadful, but they were actually alright. Look, try this without the limitations of live video:



Admittedly, you'd probably have to have a weakness for mid-80s eurorock to really warm to them.

The various websites which remain about the band suggest they were set to rock 2006 and, with a little less conviction, that they were set to rock 2007. I don't think 2008 ever really braced itself to be rocked by them; and, a bit like the Cosby show, the desperate packing of the original line-up with non-relatives watered down the proposition considerably.


[Buy: Jynxt demo]
[Part of Bull And Gate weekend]

Gordon in the morning: The child in focus

Does nobody police the Press Complaints Commission code of practice any more? Has the rotten performance of Buscombe And Her Editor Chums been so dispiriting they've even stopped pretending they're keeping an eye on thing?

For why else would Gordon be running a picture of Elton John and David Furnish's kid, which is there for no reason other than his parents being famous?

Oh, there's a horrible joke, too. The child is wearing a lifejacket, and the Bizarre team have come up with this headline:

Don’t let the son go drown on me, Elton

It's a great pun. It's just, being based around the idea of a small child dying, it might be a bit off-colour for a "family" newspaper.

Gordon in the morning: The Press Complaints what now?

Once again, Gordon Smart breaches the Press Complaints Commission code of practice, particularly this bit:

Editors must not use the fame, notoriety or position of a parent or guardian as sole justification for publishing details of a child’s private life.

Why else would 'David Banda goes to watch a football match' - with a photo - be in the paper were it not solely for the fame of Madonna?

Given that the PCC code is as weak as a lemony drink, you'd think that Smart would at least be able to comply with it. Given that he ignores it so often, you'd think that something might be said.

I wanna sex you down

South Korea's parliament is launching an enquiry into teenage pop bands to explore if they're too sexualised:

"The committee will ask them whether the teenagers have been compelled to wear revealing clothes and sing songs with suggestive moves and lyrics," the aide to lawmaker Ahn Hyoung-Hwan of the ruling Grand National Party told AFP.

"Some of the popular girl groups are sixth and seventh graders (aged 13-14)... we need some legal devices to protect those young performers from possible abuse."

Any suggestion that this is an excuse for South Korean parliamentarians to sit about watching teenage girls in short skirts for "research purposes" is totally wide of the mark.

Skellern spotting

The first in what might be a one-item series spotting stories about Peter Skellern in the papers.

The Henley Standard is perhaps overgenerous in calling Skellern a "70s pop idol" - I think even Skellern himself would suggest his appeal wasn't that of an Osmond or a Bolan - but the story is quite a sweet one:

CHILDREN at a Wargrave theatre school have had a song written for them by a Seventies pop star.

Kate Skellern, 36, founded the Skellern School of Speech and Drama a year ago to teach stagecraft to six- to 12-year-olds.

Ms Skellern, of Clifton Rise, Wargrave, is the daughter of Peter Skellern, 62, who had hits with You're A Lady and Hold On To Love more than 30 years ago. He is now retired and lives in Cornwall.

Ms Skellern said: "My dad has written a song especially for the young children who will be attending our new classes. It doesn't really have a title but we call it the hello song."

Okay, it's stretching the truth a little to even call that a story, but as 'things that fill papers up' go, it's a nice little thought, isn't it?

Gordon in the morning: Five years old

The Jonas Brothers inviting the Beckham kids to appear in a pop video sets Gordon Smart dreaming of the future:

And it could definitely be the start of something very profitable - not that the family need the dosh.

The God-fearing Jonas Brothers - who all famously vowed to stay off sex before marriage - are very wealthy young men. They've sold more than eight million albums since finding fame in 2005.

If the Beckham boys grow up to follow in their footsteps they could earn their own fortunes.

But they might not be so keen on vowing to remain virgins...

You know, for a moment there I could have sworn that Gordon was speculating on the future sex life of three kids, the youngest of whom is five years old. But that would be so inappropriate it would never have found its way into a family newspaper, would it?

Gordon in the morning: Fails mainly on the plain

Gordon passes a large chunk of his space over to the awfully-named Eliza Doolittle this morning, mainly because her management team have sent over a photo of her in shorts.

NEW face ELIZA DOOLITTLE certainly is one Fair Lady.

Well, to be fair, at least Gordon's gone for a gentle joke and is flattering his readers by assuming they'd be familiar with... oh, hang on:

The singer-songwriter - named after the lead character of hit musical and film My Fair Lady - is all set to release debut single Skinny Genes on April 12.

Gordon, if you have to explain the joke you just made quite so clunkingly in the next paragraph, you might want to think about coming up with something a bit more in tune with your key audience:

With LILY ALLEN-style lyrics and a love for very short shorts, she's definitely one to watch.

That'll do it.

So how did "Eliza" come up with her kerrr-azzzzy name?

Eliza says: "I love my real surname but it isn't very pop-starry. So I became Eliza Doolittle and now everyone calls me it."

Righto. That really explains it.

Still, nice to see someone getting massive record company investment despite not having any industry connections, isn't it?

Her dad is theatre director JOHN CAIRD and her mum Tony Award-winning actress FRANCES RUFFELLE.

Oh.

Congratulations...

To Cerys Matthews, mother to a new-born baby.

Chris Hawkins is sitting in for Cerys now - which is kind of ironic, given that Cerys was officially covering Nemone's maternity leave. You suspect that Nemone might not be expected back.

Mark Lester to Paris Jackson: Consider yerself one of us

Tucked in the tawdry unfolding tragedy of the Jackson fallout, as Mark Lester chooses the News of the World to announce his suspicion that Paris is his kid, is this:

"It's been a secret for so long," said Mark. "In 1996 Michael asked me if I would give him my sperm and I said yes. It was a gift to him, no money was paid, it was something I was honoured to do. He wanted children so badly."

That sort of request has the ability to get very awkward very quickly:

- Can I have your sperm? Yes? That so... mffff... I meant in this jar, Mark. I meant in the jar... God, it makes your eyes sting, doesn't it?

The appearance of this paternity claim, naturally, is what Michael would have wanted:

"I'm the Godparent to them and Michael was Godparent to all my four kids. Our two families spent a lot of time together, and had a lot fun together. Now I'm not able to have any communication with the children. My repeated phone calls aren't returned and emails go unanswered.

"This isn't what Michael would have wanted. I feel I have to come forward, as my only way of saying, 'Please don't shut me out!'"

Yes, having constructed an elaborate ruse and pretended for a decade that the children were his, Jackson would so have been thrilled to see the story falling apart in the pages of a British tabloid newspaper.

Endless cycle

Oh, here's some good news:

Mark Lester - godparent to all three of the late singer's children, Prince Michael, 12, Paris, 11 and seven-year-old Prince Michael II, known as 'Blanket' - says Blanket has shown signs that he shares his dad's phenomenal talents.

Mark revealed: "Prince loved 'Thriller', Paris liked 'Smooth Criminal' best and Blanket adored them all. He could easily be the next Michael Jackson. He loved to dance with his dad and Michael taught him to do the moonwalk."

Ah, yes. What could be better than the godparent - whose child acting career led to a miserable era of addiction - suggesting that the kids of a bloke whose life was warped beyond belief by showbusiness be pushed into the same miserable cattle show?