Fancy that: There's no baby Bieber

The unlikely claim that Justin Bieber not only had testicles, but had deployed them appears to have been withdrawn after the claimant suddenly realised you might want to choose as your mark somebody likely to have had a thirty-second backstage shag and forgotten it.

Gordon in the morning: Taking the Bieber test

Gordon conjures an image of Justin Bieber with a swab already in his gob:

JUSTIN Bieber has confirmed he will take a paternity test to prove he is not the father of a fan's child.

He will? He WILL? Or he would? Or might?

He said: "All this stuff is dealt with by my legal team. But if they want me to then I will."

So he might, if people think it's necessary, and they ask him to. Not quite "will"

Mark Lester to Paris Jackson: Consider yerself one of us

Tucked in the tawdry unfolding tragedy of the Jackson fallout, as Mark Lester chooses the News of the World to announce his suspicion that Paris is his kid, is this:

"It's been a secret for so long," said Mark. "In 1996 Michael asked me if I would give him my sperm and I said yes. It was a gift to him, no money was paid, it was something I was honoured to do. He wanted children so badly."

That sort of request has the ability to get very awkward very quickly:

- Can I have your sperm? Yes? That so... mffff... I meant in this jar, Mark. I meant in the jar... God, it makes your eyes sting, doesn't it?

The appearance of this paternity claim, naturally, is what Michael would have wanted:

"I'm the Godparent to them and Michael was Godparent to all my four kids. Our two families spent a lot of time together, and had a lot fun together. Now I'm not able to have any communication with the children. My repeated phone calls aren't returned and emails go unanswered.

"This isn't what Michael would have wanted. I feel I have to come forward, as my only way of saying, 'Please don't shut me out!'"

Yes, having constructed an elaborate ruse and pretended for a decade that the children were his, Jackson would so have been thrilled to see the story falling apart in the pages of a British tabloid newspaper.

James Brown came already - damn

A bust time in America's DNA testing labs, with the dozen-or-so people who've claimed to be James Brown's children having their double-helixes inspected for strains of funk. "At least two" new kids have been confirmed:

A former adviser for the Sex Machine singer, Buddy Dallas, said he could not confirm exact figures as further test results were forthcoming.

So, even with scientific testing methods, people still aren't sure how many James Brown Juniors there are right now - eight seems to be the favoured count, including the acknowledged ones.

Eddie Murphy does the right thing, grudgingly, belatedly

Eddie Murphy has issued a statement accepting that he's not going to be able to wriggle out of this one ("accepting paternity of Mel B's kid"):

"He acknowledges paternity of the child, Angel, and has paid child support to Ms Brown as well as covering the expenses of her pregnancy."

The star added that he "views this as a private matter and as such, will not be making any further comments about it".

Exactly. As he did when he went on the television and implied, in front of the viewing millions, that the woman he'd impregnated was such a harlot it was impossible to discern who may or may not be the father. That sort of private matter.

Mel B formalises public row with Murphy

We hope that, amongst the outcomes of the official paternity petition Mel B has filed against Eddie Murphy, they formalise the pairing of Angel's surnames. We like the idea of someone who will be going around called Murphy Brown.

Paul's daughter

Those of you old enough to remember when music came on vinyl played by DLT will remember Bettina Hubers. Hubers was the daughter of a German waitress who claimed Paul McCartney was her dad.

We went through this in 1983, when paternity tests proved it wasn't true. But now Hubers is back, having decided the only way the tests could have been negative, and her belief that Macca's her dad could be right was if Paul faked his test.

So she's starting the process all over again:

"The signature on the documents he signed at the time were false. The signature is from a right-handed person and he is not. I want a new paternity test. It's my right. It's taken so long because we have been fighting to find out the truth."

She's presumably also going to rely on how Paul faked his own death by crossing the road without shoes on to prove he's got form at this sort of thing. We're a little lost as to why, if you got someone to take the test for you, you wouldn't bother to even sign the form, but we're sure there's an explanation for that, too.