Mark Lester to Paris Jackson: Consider yerself one of us

Tucked in the tawdry unfolding tragedy of the Jackson fallout, as Mark Lester chooses the News of the World to announce his suspicion that Paris is his kid, is this:

"It's been a secret for so long," said Mark. "In 1996 Michael asked me if I would give him my sperm and I said yes. It was a gift to him, no money was paid, it was something I was honoured to do. He wanted children so badly."

That sort of request has the ability to get very awkward very quickly:

- Can I have your sperm? Yes? That so... mffff... I meant in this jar, Mark. I meant in the jar... God, it makes your eyes sting, doesn't it?

The appearance of this paternity claim, naturally, is what Michael would have wanted:

"I'm the Godparent to them and Michael was Godparent to all my four kids. Our two families spent a lot of time together, and had a lot fun together. Now I'm not able to have any communication with the children. My repeated phone calls aren't returned and emails go unanswered.

"This isn't what Michael would have wanted. I feel I have to come forward, as my only way of saying, 'Please don't shut me out!'"

Yes, having constructed an elaborate ruse and pretended for a decade that the children were his, Jackson would so have been thrilled to see the story falling apart in the pages of a British tabloid newspaper.

Endless cycle

Oh, here's some good news:

Mark Lester - godparent to all three of the late singer's children, Prince Michael, 12, Paris, 11 and seven-year-old Prince Michael II, known as 'Blanket' - says Blanket has shown signs that he shares his dad's phenomenal talents.

Mark revealed: "Prince loved 'Thriller', Paris liked 'Smooth Criminal' best and Blanket adored them all. He could easily be the next Michael Jackson. He loved to dance with his dad and Michael taught him to do the moonwalk."

Ah, yes. What could be better than the godparent - whose child acting career led to a miserable era of addiction - suggesting that the kids of a bloke whose life was warped beyond belief by showbusiness be pushed into the same miserable cattle show?