Gordon in the morning: Simply unacceptable

Gordon has one of his odd outbreaks of outrage this morning, angered by a PR company trying to cash in on Danielle Lloyd being attacked in a nightclub:

In a Press release issued yesterday the firm tried to cash in on Danielle and her boyfriend, Spurs star JAMIE O’HARA, leaving the Wellington Hospital in North London.

Their note said: “Poor Danielle Lloyd. After being battered in a nightclub, Danielle can now rest up in the comfort of her Franklin Marshall hoodie.

“Franklin & Marshall is the ultimate in understated American college-inspired casual wear — the perfect recipe for Danielle’s recovery. Why not double up and get an identical tracksuit for your boyfriend a la Danielle and top Tottenham player Jamie O’Hara? Get well soon Danielle.”

Unbelievable.

I rang the firm yesterday and put it to them that this was in the worst possible taste.

Well, yes, it is pretty tacky. Although it would take a pretty nifty ethicist to explain why it is wrong to sell clothes off the back of someone being beaten up, while selling tabloid newspapers and advertising around webpages based on the same horrible event would be legitimate.

What's even odder is that Smart is so outraged, he not only runs the press release in full, but splashes large photos of the couple wearing the Franklin & Marshall gear over the front of the Bizarre website and across his pages in The Sun. Acres and acres of free advertising - that'll show 'em, Gordon.

Gordon in the morning: The market stall of desire

Gordon Smart seems to have given up this morning - the two leading items on Bizarre online this morning is a plug for Dave Hogan's photobook and a plug for a soft porn calendar. It's not clear if he's now just linking his pieces to his Amazon Associates account, but it's certainly reading less like a newspaper column and more like a classified ads page.

Gordon in the morning: Sometimes the paper is hard to fill

Set in the scale of slip-ups made by celebrities, Paris Hilton thinking that West Africa is a country might be worth a quick chortle - although how many Sun readers would have had to check an Atlas to make sure that's what her "gaffe" was. On a quiet bank holiday, though, Gordon grabs it like a pensioner finding an empty table in a Fortes cafe, and makes it a lead story.

Obviously, it takes padding. A lot of padding. Indeed, so stuffed is the story, Gordon somehow makes this the conclusion of a story about Paris thinking West Africa is a country:

It bothers me to see a mug like Danielle Lloyd raking in huge sums even after showing herself up on Celeb Big Brother as a racist numbskull.

Still, on a day when his newspaper's front page is barking "Gipsy hell for minister Tessa", nice to see Gordon taking a stand against racism.

To pad out a quiet day on Bizarre still further, an article by Antonella Lazzeri is drafted in, fretting over the pressures on young girls who hold up Jordan as a role model:

[C]onsultant psychologist Eileen Bradbury warned that girls could face a lifetime of surgery.

Mindful of this hard-ish-hitting piece about the cost of obsessions with tits finding a bank holiday berth in Bizarre, Gordon approaches his usual matter with, well, exactly the same finesse:

TV beauty HOLLY WILLOUGHBY has earned quite a reputation for her bumpers recently.

And now she’s added two more — in the shape of this soft-top VW Beetle.

To see more of Holly's 'airbags' click the slideshow below

Airbags. He means breasts.

Gordon in the morning

The big story in Gordon's kingdom this morning - that Coleen Asdaadvert and Wayne Potatofootballer are getting married next summer - would be a tribute to Gordon's Prime Ministering showbiz skills. Were it not bylined

By RICHARD WHITE

who isn't even part of Gordon's team. And was it not merely something that he's read in the latest Hello!

Still, handing over the main part of Bizarre to someone else has freed Smart up to concentrate on what he's good at - yet another slideshow of Paris Hilton not wearing much; the "news" that you could see Danielle Lloyd's arse peeking through her skirt (the closest thing we've yet seen to James Burke's fictional 'Albert Memorial Still There' headline yet); another bemusing photo of Brooke 'daughter of the barely more famous Hulk' Hogan in her bra and a somewhat surprising report on Heath Ledger taking the role of the Joker. In much the same way that Smart seem fixated on the very idea of Jesse Metcalfe going to GAY, it seems that Gordon can't get over Brokeback Mountain, headlining the piece:

Heath's gay old time as Joker

- not that he's playing the Joker as gay, of course. But since he once played a homosexual onscreen, everything Ledger does now must be gay, of course. Let's hope Gordon doesn't have to write about Dustin Hoffman anytime soon.

Gordon in the morning

So, what has Gordon got on his mind this morning? There's a long, dull piece about some footballer or other who's involved with Danielle Lloyd, which is notable only for Gordon's finish:

I don’t see the attraction with Danielle Lloyd - she just has NOTHING about her at all.

Although enough to justify several hundred words, lots of photos and a lead story in your column, we notice, Gordo.

Gordon also fills space by ("makes space for") running several pictures from Jordan's calendar, which is a wonderful piece of journalism as it involved, erm, buying a calendar that's been on sale since the first of October and copying the pictures; and reporting that Mel B has worn a fairly tight t-shirt. It gives Gordon the chance to vary his limited vocabulary for females breasts - apparently Mel B has "Eddies":

well, he is a tit

Subtle, Gordon. Very subtle.