Gordon in the morning: A rash of puns

If we didn't know better, we'd assume that this morning's Bizarre had been knocked out by someone for whom English was a third, or maybe fourth, language, as bad pun piles on top of bad pun.

Sarah Harding in a bikini? Why, she's "tan-tastic" and - because you can see her belly - "tum-thing's up".

Coleen McLoughlin planning to display her wedding dress? That would make her a "troophy wife", then.

Paris Hilton photographed at a masked ball? She's got "no hiding face", then.

Yes, no hiding face. No, we don't know what a hiding face is, nor why putting a mask over it means that it isn't there. Perhaps they've overdosed on Doctor Who.

Talking of which, Billie Piper makes an appearance with an actual - sort of - story; she fears that the topless scenes in Diary Of A Call Girl might have ruined her chances of a Hollywood career:

“Someone said the other day, rather viciously, ‘What A-list stars get their tits out?’

“And then I started thinking, ‘Oh, my God, what have I done? I’ve ruined my future career.’”

Yes. It's not like you can think of a squillion Hollywood movies where the female lead does naked squirming, is it?

To be honest, Billie, it's going to be less likely that going topless harmed your career. It's more the choice of role - after all, who is going to hire an actor who's played a blogger on-screen?

Gordon in the morning: Is he on leave?

It'd be unlikely that Gordon Smart could keep up the standard he's achieved week in, week out, without taking a little break every now and then, and at the moment there's a sense that his involvement in his own column consists of little more than allowing his photo to sit at the top of the page.

Let's hope he's on leave, because if he's at his desk signing off on headlines like Wish Roo Were Here, he's desperately in need of a holiday. This is over the top of a story which sees the probably best uninvaded privacy of the wedding of the woman from the Asda adverts and the ruddy-faced footballer enters the honeymoon period.

That's the actual honeymoon period, not that couple and paparazzi have come to some sort of mutual agreement. We know the coverage has been grinding on for so long now nobody cares, but since Wayne Rooney is a vital part of the honeymoon, and the picture shows him and Colleen enjoying a quick gamble, isn't "Roo" actually there? Am I missing something?

The couple went to see George Michael:

German tourist Lars Lamade, 37, said: “It was a real shock to see Wayne Rooney at a George Michael concert. I recognised him straight away. He and Coleen loved it, they stayed right until the end."

It was a shock? Why, exactly? Surely it might have been mildly surprising but it's not like it was, say, a You've Got Foetus On Your Breath gig, which might be a strange place to see Rooney. Or maybe if it was Cup Final day and the Manchester Uniteds PLC were playing in it, it would be shocking to see Rooney watching a run through of Listen Without Prejudice Volume Two. But an off-season gig by the sort of name you'd not blink to have seen listed under 'favourite artist' in the now-defunct SuperFocus column of Shoot!? Not too shocking, is it?

More evidence that Smart is off somewhere with a pedalo and the latest Louise Bagshawe novel is the appearance of the word conundrum in a ho-hum bit of fluff alongside a picture of Russell Brand with a woman.

Meanwhile, Guy Ritchie is planning to launch an offensively over-priced whisky:

The Macallan currently sell the most expensive whisky — for around £20,000 a bottle.

But this is small change for ambitious Guy.

The source revealed: “He plans to stuff the current top prices with his brand.

“He reckons there are plenty of rich businessmen and rock stars who would pay six figures for the world’s best whisky.”

They might - god alone knows, there are many people who seek new ways to rub people's noses in their pile of cash ("I don't like to rub my money in people's faces, it wrinkles the notes, so I photograph it and rub the pictures in people's faces" as Laura Solon put it) but is there any kudos in pissing your cash away on whisky made by 'the bloke who makes the same awful film over and over again'? Wouldn't Ritchie be better offering to make the vinegar for Barry Norman's Pickled Onions?

Gordon in the morning: You come on just like...

Given the way she's usually linked with drugs, perhaps Gordon's Kate Moss story headline is ill-considered:

Model Moss is like Special K

The story, it turns out, is about how great she is looking now that she isn't hanging about with Pete Doherty. Charmingly, Smart seems to believe that without Pete, she'd never have come into contact with drugs at all.

It hardly merits either his face above, or the exclusive tag on it, but it's hard not to see the photos of nature refusing to be bought and bringing the cash-burning McLoughlin-Rooney nuptials to an expensively washed-out end, without a small giggle.

Gordon in the morning: More nipples

Gordon Smart appears to have given up totally on the journalism and thrown his weight behind softcore porn instead. For the second day running, the big Bizarre story is nothing more than an excuse to run a topless photo: Keeley Hazell has released a single. Her day job is being a Page Three girl - although she's not very good at that, either and, clearly, even Gordon can't find anything to say other than 'she has breasts and has made a record':

PAGE 3 favourite KEELEY HAZELL is already top of the peeps

Eh? Peeps?

Naturally, it’s in the Kee of see

What? What on earth are you talking about?

This is, remember, Gordon's big story today, at least online. In the paper, more space is given to claims that Amy Winehouse is thinking of dumping Island, supposedly with Alex Haines in charge:

“She’s been planning it with Alex, who has a bit of music know-how from working as her manager’s assistant."

Ah, yes. A manager's bagman. That'd be the perfect person to be in charge of a major recording artist's record label.

Elsewhere, Gordon has sneer at Coleen McLoughlin for going to McDonalds:

You can take the girl out of Croxteth but...you know the rest.

COLEEN MCLOUGHLIN couldn’t resist a slap-up meal at McDonald’s on the last day of her hen week.

Either Gordon has joined London Greenpeace, or this sudden dislike of fast food is somewhat puzzling - is McLoughlin only allowed to eat lobster and larks tongues now or something?

And, we all feel a little dirty: he's got a story about the Ting Tings, albeit the deal they've done with Apple that everyone else had a couple of days ago.

Gordon in the morning: Lay-z journalism

Gordon returns to the possible pull-out of Jay-Z from Glastonbury this morning, with a grim headline:

Glastonfury

Smart is trying to work up the possiblity of a Jay-Z pullout, and the question of if and when organisers knew, into some sort of sub-Watchdog outrage:

One ticket-holder said: “I want to find out if they knew about this before Sunday.

“If they were aware Jay-Z might not be playing they should have said something before I bought my ticket.

“I’m going to see Jay-Z. I wouldn’t have bothered buying tickets to this year’s Glastonbury otherwise.”

Another said: “Jay-Z is the world’s greatest rapper. I was only going to see him.”

Hang on a minute: These angry ticket holders who, supposedly, "only" wanted to see Jay-Z, don't have any names. Why is that, Gordon?

When you're "reporting" on rumours from "friends" of celebrities and "sources" within stars' organisations, there's some sort of justification for keeping anonymity. But why are these people so angry about their tickets but not revealing their names? Are they afraid that Emily Eavis might turn up at their houses and start putting the windows out?

Come to that, why are they so angry before Jay-Z has actually cancelled, and, consequently, before organisers have even had a chance to say 'if you want a refund, then you can have one'? It's a little early to be making up angry punters, isn't it?

Meanwhile, in a triumph for 'here's something I read in a magazine' journalism, today;s column features adverts for Closer Magazine (Coleen McLoughlin dressed - hilariously - as Audrey Hepburn) and Shape Magazine (Denise Richards). If Gordon keeps padding his pieces out with this sort of stuff, they could just cut a hole in his page and invite readers to peer through at the magazine rack when they pick up their paper.

Gordon in the morning: The wedding planner

Some hefty backpedaling this morning as Gordon attempts to explain why the French wedding of Coleen and Wayne might not happen, despite having told us it was all planned. It turns out there's rules in France:

[T]he biggest stumbling block is the fact they would need to prove they had been residents in the town where they marry for at least 40 days.

Just in case it does happen, Gordon allows there's a workaround:

The source added: “There are ways round this, like renting a flat in their names for a month or so before the marriage."

And then Gordon's source gives another get out in case it doesn't happen:

“But that can get complicated and, of course, expensive."

This, remember, is a wedding that Gordon was confidently predicting will cost three million quid. Now he's telling us it might be scuppered because Rooney wouldn't spend a couple of hours' wages hiring a one-bedroom flat above a suburban bakery to keep it all on track?

Elsewhere, Gordon has a picture of a young Lily Allen wearing some headphones. It's interest, such as it is, is that it's a picture of a young Lily Allen wearing headphones. In other words, the sort of thing that Keith might find in a shoebox, have a little smile, and then put back in the shoebox. For some reason, though (that reason being 'not actually having very much stuff to put in his column') Gordon decides to run it, and then has to try and think of a reason for publishing it:

Lily Allen's fame was inevitable

LOOKING at this vintage LILY ALLEN snap, it seems she was always going to be famous.

It shows the Smile singer as a child on stage at posh Millfield School in 1996.

The second pic is the star out and about in North London yesterday.

Not much has changed if you ask me...

A snapshot of a child wearing headphones shows "fame was inevitable", does it Gordon? In what way, exactly?

Gordon in the morning

The big story in Gordon's kingdom this morning - that Coleen Asdaadvert and Wayne Potatofootballer are getting married next summer - would be a tribute to Gordon's Prime Ministering showbiz skills. Were it not bylined

By RICHARD WHITE

who isn't even part of Gordon's team. And was it not merely something that he's read in the latest Hello!

Still, handing over the main part of Bizarre to someone else has freed Smart up to concentrate on what he's good at - yet another slideshow of Paris Hilton not wearing much; the "news" that you could see Danielle Lloyd's arse peeking through her skirt (the closest thing we've yet seen to James Burke's fictional 'Albert Memorial Still There' headline yet); another bemusing photo of Brooke 'daughter of the barely more famous Hulk' Hogan in her bra and a somewhat surprising report on Heath Ledger taking the role of the Joker. In much the same way that Smart seem fixated on the very idea of Jesse Metcalfe going to GAY, it seems that Gordon can't get over Brokeback Mountain, headlining the piece:

Heath's gay old time as Joker

- not that he's playing the Joker as gay, of course. But since he once played a homosexual onscreen, everything Ledger does now must be gay, of course. Let's hope Gordon doesn't have to write about Dustin Hoffman anytime soon.

Geldof seeks a slot

Again, according to the People, Peaches Geldof is annoyed that Colleen McLoughlan is getting work presenting TV shows (or at least, standing at the front of ITV2 programmes, which isn't quite the same):

Peaches said of WAYNE ROONEY'S girl Coleen: "I can't believe she has been offered a TV show... it's just because she dates a footballer."

Peaches, of course, has landed her brief spells presenting the traditional way, by being born to the bloke who owns the production company.

Hello?

The 3AM Girls should be on their guard, as they have an in-house rival for "making lame puns based on songtitles". Louisa Pilbeam presumably brightened her Bank Holiday by turning to the R section of the Guiness Hit Singles when the news broke that Wayne Rooney went to see Lionel Richie:

He and Coleen McLoughlin, both 21, weren't born when the crooner, 57, had hits like Three Times A Lady. But they danced All Night Long at the Manchester gig. Wayne's famous for smashing old records. Looks like he's been buying some too.

And the headline?

THROO TIMES A LADY

Because, erm, Wayne's nickname is Throo. Oh, no it isn't, is it? But he went dressed up as a lady. No, he didn't do that, either.

What do you call someone who charges you to have dinner with them?

How about Snoop and Diddy? They're coming to London next week, and - for four grand - you're invited to join them for a bit of supper:

"You can immerse yourself in the A-list glamour with this invitation to purchase tickets for the official P Diddy after-concert party, to be held at an exclusive central London location.

"P Diddy is world renowned for hosting the hottest parties on the globe and many famous faces will be joining the celebrations.”

Diddy is so keen to turn a few bob, he's even picked up a gig playing Colleen McLoughlin's 21st birthday - apparently, she'd have preferred Westlife or Take That, but they were too classy. Diddy gets a roped-off section at the event, claims the Mail, which is wonderful: he might be happy to play her birthday, but he's not prepared to mix with her family.

Take That say no

It must come as a surprise to someone famous for having sex with a Manchester United player that there are some things that don't go to the highest bidder. Or maybe it's just when Coleen McLoughlin offered Take That cash to play her birthday party, she just didn't offer enough.

The band apparently said no, because they "don't do private parties". We wonder if they'd tell a Russian billionaire that.