If McDonald's staff were paid a decent wage, Man I Feel Like A Woman would never have happened

It turns out that McDonalds pay their staff the least money they possibly can as a service to humanity, and not because they're bastards:

If the food stores paid their frontline workers enough to survive on, Shania Twain would still be working there, a shareholder claimed at the company’s annual meeting this week.

The unidentified man, who said he’d been a McDonald’s investor since 1990 according to BuzzFeed News, used a Q&A session to rattle off a list of successful celebrities like Twain, Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, and Hollywood star Sharon Stone who had worked in a McDonald’s earlier in their lives. “I’m sure if they were making $15 an hour, they’d still be working at McDonald’s,” he said, as thousands of current McDonald’s workers protested outside.

"Hi, is that Sharon? It's your agent. I've got you a callback for that TV series... oh, you're only two sessions away from getting one of those little airplane pins for your namebadge? Okay, sorry to bother you. I'll try Meg Ryan as I think the iHop is cutting back on hours right now..."

Man visits McDonalds; front pages held

Congratulations to the Western Telegraph, for no newspaper, surely, can be said to cover their patch in more depth than they do. Why, even Kian Egan going into a branch of McDonalds in Merlins Bridge is covered as a news story.

With eyewitness accounts, no less:

McDonald's customer care assistant Stephen Hughes said: “He was down visiting a Pembrokeshire attraction with his family.

“You hear all these myths about celebrities, but he was really down to earth and quite shy really.

“He was kind enough to pose for pictures with staff and customers.”

'You hear these myths about celebrities, but he really wasn't a diva. He didn't demand onion rings; he made no request to eat in a VIP area. He didn't even insist on getting Smurfs in his Happy Meal.

You hear these myths about celebrities, but he didn't embark on twelve tasks requiring superhuman effort while he was here. He didn't arrive on a winged horse and - although I didn't watch him the whole time - he didn't appear to change shape into a swan or a bull and have his way with all and sundry.

You hear these myths about celebrities, but he ingested his burger by biting off chunks, chewing it in his normal-sized mouth, swallowing and then using stomach acids to break down the meat and bread to allow his body to absorb the nutrients.'

The best thing about this story, though, is that I don't need to worry about trying to find a punchline, because Stephen delivers his own:

Stephen added just a few weeks ago they were pretty sure they had Boyzone’s Keith Duffy in the restaurant.

Wendys give kids the horny Donna Summer

Wendys - the square burger joint - had been giving out free CDs with their kids' meals.

That, in itself, is puzzling. What does a six year old want with a CD? Will they even know what it is?

Still, surely the CDs will feature music that connects with the children, though?

Celebration by Kool and The Gang, ABC by the Jackson Five and Last Dance by Donna Summer

Oh, yes. What kid wouldn't be excited to get hold of a song their grandparents' grandparents probably got sick of back in the past. On a - what is it called again, mummy? - on a compacted disc. Cheer up, it'll be back to Spongebob figures next week.

Or possibly a little sooner, as although Wendys swear blind they put the clean version of the Donna Summer track in the meals, parents were equally adamant they could hear the original words ("so horny") rather than the family-friendly version ("so bad").

Although, clearly, no child would have bothered to play the Donna Summer single, even if they knew what to do with it, Wendys have still quietly pulled the track from the meals.

It's bad, but at least, unlike McDonalds, Wendys didn't hand out twelve million poisoned drinking cups to the kiddies.

McDonalds Chicken Nuggets: Now include portion of Sweat

Did you know the American McDonalds has got a special site for black people who enjoy eating ground up cow-face as much as white people? It's called 365Black - deliberately excluding those black people who take weekends and publoc holidays off - and it pledges itself to be "deeply rooted in the community" (although quite what that means it doesn't make clear).

Currently 365Black includes exciting news about celebrations for the silver jubilee of Chicken Nuggets - a product which contains no beaks or feathers, at least nowadays. And how better to celebrate a quarter century of chopping up dead creatures and shoving their remains into a small cardboard box than by getting Keith Sweat to sing a song about them?

“Everyone knows I’m keen on love songs, so it was a perfect fit for me to write a love song for the 25th anniversary of Chicken McNuggets.

Yes. Because quite liking songs about kissing ladies are similar to doing advertising jingles.

I was honored to have the opportunity to share some of my creative talent with McDonald’s. It was great working with them on this project – I’ve grown up with McDonald’s and was happy to be a part of it.

Only some of his talent. It's not like it's the Big Mac.

Since writing the song, I started the ‘McNuggets Lovers Club’ on my radio show website. Fans who signed up for the club got McNuggets stuff and my new CD.

It's a very, very long way from a Grammy nomination to parceling up your records with baseball caps promoting chicken products, isn't it, Keith?

There’s been a lot of traffic to the website and I’m proud of that. I hope that young people today see my success and use it as something to strive for. I love being able to inspire with my career, my music. Writing this song for McDonald’s was another opportunity for me to do that.”

Yes, the young people today - if you work hard like Keith Sweat, put in the hours, focus, practice, focus, practice, you too can find yourself selling chicken McNuggets for a living. On the other hand, you could just spend your time dicking about, having fun, and you'll still end up selling chicken nuggest for a living. But - and here's the thing - nobody will laugh at you for it.

Paul McCartney takes on McDonalds

One of the nicer branches of McDonalds is the one opposite Liverpool's Albert Dock. It was one of the first in the UK to try and go for an ambiance that didn't rely on wipe-clean, primary colours and even attempted to make a nod to its surroundings, albeit in the most kneejerk, 'here are pictures of The Beatles because this is Liverpool' fashion.

Oh... hang on a moment: McDonalds. Beatles. Isn't one of the Beatles a bit anti-meat? There's going to be trouble:

"What sort of morons do MCDonald's think Beatles fans are?
"It's ridiculous and insulting to use images to peddle hamburgers. Fans should boycott McDonald's - and not just in Liverpool."

So... McCartney wants people to boycott McDonalds not because they serve beefburgers, but because one of the hundreds of thousands of branches has a photograph of him on the wall?

McCartney doesn't think that Beatles fans are morons, and yet he seems convinced they'll see a black and white photo of him and his band from the 1960s and somehow think that this is an endorsement from McCartney. Curious.

Want free Zune tunes? You might want to order a Supersize Meal

Paid Content has tried that free McDonalds/Zune tie-up. The verdict? It's very, very simple, but very, very slow.

Zune served up with Happy Meals

The perception of the Zune as being like an eighteen month old iPod might be unfair, but isn't entirely helped when Microsoft ape last year's Apple moves.

For example, just as in 2007 Apple came up with a headline deal which allowed iPod owners to suck music down for free while they were in a Starbucks, Zune owners will be able to download tracks to their Zunes in particpating branches of US McDonalds:

“Wayport is pleased to be working with Microsoft to make it easier for Zune users to access music on the go,” said Dan Lowden, vice president of business development and marketing for Wayport. “Our ability to enable and manage applications and devices over converged networks creates exciting new opportunities for our clients to attract new customers whose digital lifestyle extends beyond their home and office.”

"Their digital lifestyle extends beyond their home and office" meaning "they take their mp3 player to the burger bar."

It's a smart move for Microsoft in terms of reach - it's going to have access to customers in about 10,000 stores - but given that most McDonalds are designed to get customers out as quickly as possible, it's interesting they've signed a deal that would encourage people to buy a small coffee and hang about for hours. It's almost like they're not exactly expecting that many people to take them up on it.

Are we not Happy Meals?

This is New Wave Nigel, one of the characters you could collect at American branches of McDonalds as an American Idol themed toy with the Happy Meals.

Why, yes, there is a passing resemblance to Devo, what with the hat and all. And, since you mention it, Devo have noticed, too. And they're not Happy:

McDonald's & American Idol Go Low
By Co-Opting DEVO's Energy Dome

We recently discovered that DEVO has once again unwittingly intersected with mainstream pop culture.

McDonald's fast food restaurants are offering a series of American Idol TV show themed toys in their children's Happy Meals. One of the toys is named "New Wave Nigel", who sports an orange jumpsuit, punk shades, and an unmistakable DEVO Energy Dome. Flipping a switch plays a DEVO-esque song (which sounds a bit like a mutated version of DEVO's Doctor Detroit.

Was DEVO ever contacted by McDonald's, American Idol, or anyone else involved in making and distributing this toy wearing their trademark headgear?
Of course not. Pioneers who got scalped....again.

It's disgusting, this sort of commercial exploitation of a band who set their face against commerce. Except when they did the 2003 advert for Swiffer.

We're given to understand they had been negotiating to create an "Are we not Bells? We are Taco - T-A-C-O" campaign for a rival chain.

Gordon in the morning: More nipples

Gordon Smart appears to have given up totally on the journalism and thrown his weight behind softcore porn instead. For the second day running, the big Bizarre story is nothing more than an excuse to run a topless photo: Keeley Hazell has released a single. Her day job is being a Page Three girl - although she's not very good at that, either and, clearly, even Gordon can't find anything to say other than 'she has breasts and has made a record':

PAGE 3 favourite KEELEY HAZELL is already top of the peeps

Eh? Peeps?

Naturally, it’s in the Kee of see

What? What on earth are you talking about?

This is, remember, Gordon's big story today, at least online. In the paper, more space is given to claims that Amy Winehouse is thinking of dumping Island, supposedly with Alex Haines in charge:

“She’s been planning it with Alex, who has a bit of music know-how from working as her manager’s assistant."

Ah, yes. A manager's bagman. That'd be the perfect person to be in charge of a major recording artist's record label.

Elsewhere, Gordon has sneer at Coleen McLoughlin for going to McDonalds:

You can take the girl out of Croxteth but...you know the rest.

COLEEN MCLOUGHLIN couldn’t resist a slap-up meal at McDonald’s on the last day of her hen week.

Either Gordon has joined London Greenpeace, or this sudden dislike of fast food is somewhat puzzling - is McLoughlin only allowed to eat lobster and larks tongues now or something?

And, we all feel a little dirty: he's got a story about the Ting Tings, albeit the deal they've done with Apple that everyone else had a couple of days ago.

McDonalds get knickers in a Twista

McDonalds are discovering that being gig promoters isn't quite the easy job they thought it was.

Instead of having a glorious bit of shiny PR, promoting new music and all that, the corporation has wound up with a mess in its own carpark, having invited Twista to take part, and then withdrawn that invitation quite sharpish:

McDonald's spokesman William Whitman said the company "respects free speech and expression".

"We want to ensure these free concerts are fun as well as appropriate for all of our customers," he added.

In other words, having announced the gigs, someone at the company listened to Twista, and heard a lot of shouting about drugs, and came over a little like Morgan Spurlock's liver.

It's not just that they've managed to make themselves look like they really are run by a bungling clown, and opened themselves to charges of censorship, as Twista has found an even better way to turn the knife:

Twista - real name Carl Terrell Mitchell - told the Associated Press the annoucement was unexpected after "hearing from certain people in McDonald's that they were fans of the music and backed me".

He added that he cleans up his act for mainstream shows, and had intended to do so for the Chicago date.

"I was actually going to have a school with a choir come sing the song Hope with me.

"So now McDonald's have to tell the kids that they can't perform," said the musician.

McDonalds break the shiny, shiny showbiz dreams of schoolchildren.

Ba-da-ba-da-dum, I'm lovin' it.

Do you want fries to go with that gig?

Obviously, any attempt to make money out of a musical career involves a certain amount of compromise; even Chumbawamba had to sell songs to arms manufacturers once in a while. But surely playing gigs in McDonalds car parks is a bit of a comedown for NeYo and Twista?

This is the first time McDonalds have put on a tour on their own; they seem to be trying to talk around the gaps in their schedule:

As for the rest of the tour's as-yet-unannounced lineup, [Douglas] Freeland [director of U.S. marketing at McDonald's] says, "We want to make sure we catch artists who are starting to break loose and getting spins at radio. If we lock down and commit with an artist too far in advance, you can't be 100% sure what's going to happen."

Ah... yes. That'll be it. Mind you, as they're starting to push the dates in store the week after next, you might think it'd be fairly safe to have inked in all the names.

Ba-da-da-da-daah, I'm Loving Me

Justin Timberlake is apparently having second thoughts about having sold his soul to McDonalds:

I regret the MCDonald's deal.

Not so much that he's sent the cash back - presumably, as much as it pains him to roll about in McDonalds' cash, rubbing it on his groin, he feels the need to keep the money. You see, he saved McDonalds single handed:

Just like the MCDonald's deal, whose market share went up 25 per cent when I walked into those offices and changed their image... when I did the Grammys, the viewing figures went up by 25 per cent."

He's still banging on about the Grammys, is he? We wonder if Timberlake even believes this stuff.

Let's examine this claim again: Timberlake was on the Grammys in 2007 while he wasn't on the 2006 programme. And more people did tune in for 2007 than the year before. However, the rise in the audience between the two years was three million, to 20 million - which is actually a smidge over 17 per cent up. So, not quite a 25% rise - and, of course, the 2006 show had been up against ratings juggernaut American Idol. The 17% rise was mainly due to not being head-to-head with Cowell, not the presence of Timberlake.

It's true that the I'm Lovin' It campaign coincided with a turnaround at McDonalds - however, Wendys, Jack In The Box and other US burger chains also experienced a rise in sales at the tail-end of 2003 which sector analysts put down to a cyclical return to the burger, rather than Justin Timberlake [source: Commercial Exploitation]; the turnaround in the burger chain's fortunes was also helped by millions of dollars of tie-ins and promotions unconnected with Mr. Timberlake. There was a fairly huge sales bounce but McDonalds themselves didn't really seem to think it was Justin's doing:

In addition to making note of geographic highlights, McDonald's also attributed its improved February sales picture to the performance of its "Plan to Win" program, which emphasizes better-tasting food, improved service and an enhanced menu. In the last year, the company also has introduced products to appeal to women and the health-conscious.

Justin's tinny jingle was window-dressing; it wasn't the sizzle.