Eurovision: NME tumbles over Timberlake

Oh, NME. Oh, NME. Your story on Eurovision is poor:

Justin Timberlake will become the first ever act who isn't a competitor to play the grand final of the Eurovision Song Contest in Stockholm on 14 May.

.

Every year, they have guest performers. Conchita Wurst, for example, wasn't a contestant last year but still performed.

I'd advise you to stick to what you're good at but... not entirely sure what that is anymore.

Gordon in the morning: Premier league

There's something quite sweet about the news that Justin Timberlake booked his team into a Premier Inn after the Wireless Festival.

It might have been less sweet a gesture if you were on a budget, and going to the Wireless Festival, and discovered the cheap hotel rooms had been taken by someone who presumably could afford to stay elsewhere.

To be fair, though, all the cash he's dumped into MySpace, maybe Premier is all Justin can run to these days.

Justin Timberlake wants to go epic

Timberlake wants to keep going, it turns out:

Timberlake, who recently revealed the eight-minute long single 'Mirrors', told Capital FM that his attitude towards long songs is similar to that of some of the biggest bands in the world. "When we were making the record I said, 'If Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin can do 10-minute songs and Queen can do 10-minute songs then why can't we?' We'll figure out the radio edits later."

Without wanting to hurry Justin to a conclusion - that would be the job of the producer who let him down - isn't the difference that Floyd and Zep were making album tracks for an audience that would be quite happy to sit and listen for just as long as it took for the track to finish, or until they needed to eat all the cookies; whereas Justin is making songs for an audience and an era who view a runtime of anything over four minutes as "this track will last for most of the rest of your life".

Sort out the radio edits later? Justin, your role is to deliver the radio edit, and hope it can be edited down to soundtrack a perfume advert later.

Gordon in the morning: Brits adds Timberlake

Gordon is excited this morning by the news that Justin Timberlake will be playing the Brits.

Gordon describes Timberlake as "excellent value at awards shows", which sounds like the sort of thing you'd stick on a weak CV that needed a bit of fattening up - probably underneath "Photoshop Elements trained" but above "Cub scout troop leader [2003-2004]".

The rest of the world is filtering this news as "extended advert for MySpace's latest spluttering relaunch planned for ITV".

Gordon in the morning: Man wears glasses

Justin Timberlake has been photographed with glasses on. Surely Gordon won't use that headline, will he?

Justin Timberlake's got specs-appeal

Oh. Yes, he did.

Quick, someone sign Justin Timberlake up for a movie

Because nobody has asked him to make a movie this summer, Justin Timberlake is threatening to make a record this summer.

"I'm unemployed right now," he admitted. "I haven't been hired for anything so I may hire myself to write some music. ... It's right around the corner."

That's great news. Who couldn't wait to hear an album made because the singer has nothing else to do, eh?

Justin Timberlake: Please like me

If you're quite a good actor, you might win an Oscar.

If you're not that good an actor, you could put a lot of effort in trying to browbeat the Academy into giving you an Oscar.

Guess which route Justin Timberlake is taking?

“He’s hell-bent on getting a nomination this year even though he has tough competition from his costar Andrew Garfield,” a source told New York Post gossip column Page Six. “Sony is footing the bill for advertising the awards campaign, but Justin is also doing things his own way, including attending Academy screenings on his own and privately reaching out to award winners and Academy darlings Tom Hanks and Kevin Spacey for campaigning advice.”

You really hope Kevin Spacey will just stare at him and say "it's not class president, you Mickey Mouse Club chorus klutz."

Campaigning for an Oscar is even worse than paying a girl to go out with you, because at least if you do that, some of the pity it generates might be endearing.

[Thanks again to Michael M]

Simon Cowell calls the cops

Are we really to believe that 'hackers' are 'hacking' into Simon Cowell's computers?

Simon Cowell is mad that "Don't Let Me Down", a duet song between his artist Leona Lewis and Justin Timberlake, has been leaked. The unfinished track reportedly is worked on by Justin's production team The Y's and seriously considered as the lead single from Leona's upcoming second studio album.

Prior to the leak of Leona's track, several unmastered materials, this time belonging to Alexandra Burke, have also been stolen from Simon's recording company Syco's computers.

The IFPI and the police, apparently, are being involved, although given that this has supposedly happened before, you might think the questions should be directed at Cowell and his sloppy security. But at least the idea that Cowell is incapable of protecting his assets is less annoying than the thought he might be using the police to play a role in promoting a Leona Lewis single.

Gordon in the morning: Guys and roles

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World:

I’m your guy for Guys, Guy

Gordon announces that Justin Timberlake is going to star in a movie film:

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE has given GUY RITCHIE his word that he will star in one of the Lock Stock director’s next big film projects.

The pair shook hands over a whisky at the Punch Bowl pub in Mayfair on Monday night after discussing the blockbusters Guy has on the horizon.

The idea of Guy Ritchie having a blockbuster on the horizon is one of those concepts - like Gordon Brown looking forward to a landslide election victory - that can only exist if there really are parallel universes. But do carry on, Gordon - what role is Justin being lined up for?

The list includes a big-screen version of musical Guys And Dolls which would suit Justin perfectly as well as a huge remake of the classic war film Wild Geese.

So it's just a case he's going to be in Guys and Dolls. It could just as easily be I'm your guy for Geese, guys, then?

Incidentally: Guys and Dolls and Wild Geese? Ritchie really doesn't have an original thought left, does he? Has he now taken to careering round Blockbuster grabbing DVDs at random to come up with his next projects? Is there a chance he's pitching a remake of Vicky Entwistle's WOW workout?

Gordon - who is perhaps the last person in the world who is interested in Ritchie's work - is throbbing with excitement:

I have no doubt big studios like Warner Bros, who work closely with Guy, would be more than happy to sign a fat cheque for Justin’s services.

Oh, yes. Making a film nobody wants to see even more expensive. Who could turn down such a compelling offer?

He would be a nailed-on box office hit if he had the chance.

You're nailing what on the where, Gordon?

It turns out that Gordon is an equally big fan of Justin's movie work. He was in Alpha Dog, you know. And... well, surely he's done something else, hasn't he, Gordon?

his comedy role as Jacques “Le Coq” Grande in Love Guru was pretty impressive too.

Meanwhile, Gordon gets Tim Nixon to write up the Madonna nudes, with the pair excited that "we;ve got the snaps."

Yes, Gordon. The Sun has run these before, though, hasn't it? So long ago, it was when I was doing a paper round. I know Smart often runs stories that are out of date - but surely he's never repeated 25 year old stuff before, has he?

Supreme Court to inspect Janet Jackson's breasts

It lasted only three sixteenths of a second, and yet, five years on, we're still not at the end of the Janet Jackson nipple slip. Now, the Supreme Court is going to inspect the appeal court's rejection of the ridiculous fine that CBS was hit with after a slice of nipple fluttered across the TV screens during Superbowl 2004.

Ofcom might sometimes attach itself to the passing mob, but at least it manages to come to its conclusions, however poor, fairly quickly.

Justin Timberlake: too busy to make music

It's getting on for three years since Justin Timberlake made an album, and, he tells Entertainment Weekly, he doesn't intend to make one soon, either. Why?

Oh, because it's an effort:

"Right now, I like the idea that things can just kind of pop up and if they feel right I can do them," says Timberlake. "Committing to my own sort of project, that’s like, 'Okay, let me block out two years of my life and do it.' I was heavily fulfilled with the last one and I always have this thing with myself that if I can’t sleep because I need to do it, then I’m gonna do it. But if I’m not losing sleep over it then…"

In a way, I can admire that "make no art unless the not making it becomes unbearable" approach - how much happier a music world would be in if people only made records that the not making thereof kept them awake at night?

But at the same time: you're a bloody singer, Timberlake. Yes, it might mean you have to spend two years working on a 'project' (although, frankly, you could knock one out in three months if you wanted) but that's your job. You chose the job. You signed on for it. It's not like anyone's asking you to spend two years digging coal, or helping old ladies who have soiled their bedclothes. It's a little bit of singing, perhaps a few concert appearances, doing some light banter with Jay Leno - you can even have weekends and evenings off. Most of the time. Don't expect us to start sobbing into our Kleenex because you think making a record is some sort of onerous task, Timbo.

Drink deep from Justin Timberlake's well

If you'd asked us to come up with a drink product to be marketed under a Justin Timberlake brand, I'd have suggested a weak lemon drink. Or maybe a watery alcopop.

Instead, though, he's decided to start his own tequila. I wouldn't have thought of associating Timberlake with that particular drink, although perhaps "shriveled worm that nobody ever wants to touch" is meant to be the link.

Timbo is calling his booze 901 - which is both his hometown dialling code, and a time:

“that time of night when your evening is ending, but your night is just beginning.”

If you're reaching for the tequila by nine o'clock, your night is probably going nowhere, unless he's thinking of launching a sister product 1017, to represent the time when your concerned friends find you facedown in the toilet cubicle, unable to remember where your trousers were when you saw them last.

Favour repaid. Now, never call me again.

So, you'll have been fretting: did Ryan Seacrest explode in a sticky-sweet mess as Britney and Justin turned up to help out their grandmother? Well, sort of: they did turn up (individually) and put in some sort of appearance at Madonna's LA gig; neither, it seemed, were that thrilled to be there. In a week where America had got a taste of history, this was a flat desert.

Madonna: seats left at all prices

Oh, dear: there are so many spaces left for Madonna's LA gig tonight, they've been reduced to spreading rumours that Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears might join her on stage. Ryan Seacrest is excited:

"If Justin and Britney end up on that stage with her...I don't know if I've ever seen anything quite like that before," Seacrest said.

Surely Britney/Madonna/Xtina was quite like that, though, wasn't it?

Rumours that Madonna has promised to return Britney and Justin's souls if they help shore up her crumbling reputation could not be confirmed.

Justin Timberlake is the Jeremy Beadle of pop

Justin Timberlake has got involved with a new MTV gameshow:

Justin Timberlake is set to put his music career on the back burner and produce a new reality game show for MTV.

Somehow, we're finding it hard to believe that Timberlake's production role is going to be so hands-on that it might stop his music career from flourishing.

The gameshow is basically that old local radio stand-by, ringing a phone, seeing if someone picks it up and then asking them answer a question and win a prize. The only slightly modern twist is that instead of calling a phonebox, they'll be callling a mobile phone instead.

MTV is excited, of course. MTV are always excited:

Speaking about the show, MTV executive vice-president Tony Disanto said: "Reinvention is at the core of what we do, and The Phone does just that. Each week will be an action-packed mini-movie.”

We're not sure that flinging on a game show is a reinvention of MTV, which has been showing flim-flam that has little to do with music for years and years.

Justin Timberlake points the finger: The times are to blame

The Miley Cyrus post-coital picture that did so much to help sales of Vanity Fair, clearly, needs to be blamed on someone. Thankfully, Justin Timberlake knows who to point the finger at.

Not Annie Leibowitz for taking the photo; or Miley's management for approving it; or the magazine for running it; nor any of the people who try to justify the picture because it's not actually, definitively a sexual image of a minor so that should be alright, then; oh, no, it's the "times":

"Of course they're going to pick [on] a wholesome, American, young female [for] the first sign of anything," Timberlake said. "Unfortunately, there's a picture of her that's published with her in just a blanket. ... And that's the photo, that's the catalyst. But that's also the age we live in. People want to take a photo, and that's who you are for a year's time. We've all become victims of that."

We're not sure that Timberlake has even thought about if he has an opinion, much less if it is in any way coherent - it's not like this is a long-lens snap through a window; this is a stylised, organised photo-shoot, with artistic sign-off. The furore has been created, but not by people who wanted to attack Cyrus, but by the people who wanted to feed off her. Liebowitz, the Cyrus organisation, the magazine - they're the ones who decided to run this photo and since none of them are stupid, they must have known exactly what the reaction would be. To try and blame that on the "times we live in" is like feeding seagulls alka-seltzer and then blaming the seagulls' constitutions when they explode.

And what are the times, anyway, Justin? Isn't the nasty, over-sexualised public culture we have partly due to, ooh, songs about bringing sexy back, and pop stars dry-humping each other on stage like in New York last week? When you've helped made a culture, you can't start tutting over the culture you've made, can you?

Gordon in the morning: A new meaning of exclusive

You might have enjoyed reading reviews of Madonna's New York gig over the last day and a half. Apparently, Gordon hadn't, as he seems convinced that his review was somehow "exclusive". Although, to be fair, his fawning piece is the only one which didn't mention her falling over at the end or the vocal track screwing up, so it's exclusive in that sense.

Mind you, Gordon didn't only have eyes for Madonna. He was very excited by Justin Timberlake, too:

He’s a complete Lord, JT. The man simply oozes charisma, dances like MICHAEL JACKSON and he spread a smile across Madonna’s face with his cheeky performance.

While Gordon is over in New York, someone credited simply as "online reporter" is holding up the nipple count in his column:

Desperate Jay sinks to new low

IF there was a letter after Z in the alphabet, that’s the list JAY NICHOLS would be on.

The desperate glamour 'model' - a veteran of the capital's party circuit - pulled her oddest stunt yet by turning up at Chinawhite wearing this number.

Hmm. Oddly, having rolled eyes at how desperate Nichols (who she?) is, the paper then obliges by running pictures of her. And giving her a load of coverage. Surely that makes Gordon's column much more desperate than the woman? Calling "look at me" is one thing, but rushing over yelling "look at the woman calling 'look at me'" must be worse.

Meanwhile, Pete Samson again delivers a proper exclusive - which may or may not be true, of course - claiming not just that Pete Doherty is going to be released on Tuesday but will then spend the next three days "getting smashed". You can tell it's a serious story, as they actually source a quote. Admittedly, only this one:

Ex-Home Office minister ANNWIDDECOMBE [sic] declared: “Nobody should ever come out that early.”

The real surprise, of course, is that Pete's planning a three-day boozy celebration - didn't the Sun tell us he'd become Muslim during his time in jail? Why, it's almost as if that wasn't true.

Gordon in the morning: Boyzone sex shocker

Despite the inescapable fact that they now look like the cast of Auf Weidersehen Pet, Gordon Smart buys Boyzone's claims that they're going to "sex up" their reunion tour, quoting a source:

"They've held audition for super hot female dancers in a bid to outsex the ones that Take That danced with on stage. I've heard they will be writhing around in their underwear.

"They're also worried about singing live. They came from an era when nobody used to sing on tour so they got away with it. Think of S Club and Steps. But now it's all changed."

Eh? But Boyzone weren't a Steps style band in the first place, were they? Steps could get away with it because they were, effectively, a band designed to wear jump suits and dance, but since Boyzone were supposed to be a vocal group, not singing would be quite a major problem. You'd have thought.

Shane Lynch is apparently curious to see who's going to be coming:

"I have no idea if it will be our old fans or if it's a new young crowd. When I go on stage I'm going to look into the audience and see who's there."

Here's a clue, Mr Lynch: Don't expect too many of a "new, young crowd". You hardly appealed to a new young crowd before you were old enough to be dads and uncles.

Gordon gets a little hot under the collar watching the new Madonna video (although even he admits that it's "new" in the sense of "if you ignore its very obvious debt to the Rock DJ video - when you're ripping off Williams, it really is time to give up, surely?)

POP royalty MADONNA has proved she’s still the Queen when it comes to getting tongues wagging.

The queen of getting tongues wagging? What sort of title is that? Better than being Duchess Of Causing Irritated Tutting, presumably.

But 'getting tongues wagging' is hardly the same thing as 'getting things raunchy' - you can wag a tongue saying "good lord, we can understand what she's trying to do, but why would Justin Timberlake want to get involved?" just as easily as making a Smart-style "I'm feeling moist", can't you?

Meanwhile, if we tell you that Gordon's headline for a story about Geri dating a man is headlined:

Geri: Ivan new man

... can you guess what his name is?

Gordon does redeem himself by pointing out that 'musicians dating their backing dancers' is a bit of a bad way to meet men, based on Mel B, Britney and J-Lo's track record.

Oh, yes... Madonna went in

Last night was the induction ceremony for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, celebrating Cleveland's role rock history by, erm, holding it in New York.

MTV reports:

Madonna Shocks, Justin Timberlake Pays Tribute At Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Ceremony

Madonna 'shocks', does she? Or - and let's just take a wild guess here - did she conform to the worn stereotype by doing something supposedly outrageous but probably scripted?

the sinewy singer ascended the stage and thanked seemingly everyone who helped shape her career, from her earliest dancing teachers to the critics who've blasted her over the years, and told her she "was talentless, that I was chubby, that I couldn't sing, that I was a one-hit wonder — they helped me too, because they made me question myself and they pushed me to be better, and I am grateful for their resistance."

After quoting from the Talmud, she called Timberlake — who'd said, "She became the biggest name on the planet the old-fashioned way: She earned it" — a "fucker." Moments later, she blurted out the word "motherfucker" for no discernable reason.

No discernable reason? How about 'in a desperate bid to make people notice the ceremony even existed'?

By the way, how exactly does Justin Timberlake induct Madonna into the Hall? He's not qualified to be a member himself - either chronologically or artistically - so how does he have the power to elevate someone to its portals?

The Iggy Pop came on, and sang some Madonna songs, and swore.

Billy Joel was on next - he also swore, which is mildly more surprising. But while all this cussing might make the giant-sized picture of Tipper Gore at the museum weep real tears, is it really that surprising?

Curiously, MTV chose not to mention Madonna's brief reference to taking drucks in her speech.

Trapped in the closet

It's the scenario every woman (supposedly) dreams of: being locked in a confined space with Justin Timberlake.

It's also, unfortunately, the scenario every man dreads: being trapped in a box with Tara Palmer-Tomkinson.

This all happened backstage at the Brits, explains TPT:

"I was interviewing Justin but because it was noisy, I told him to move into a quieter area. "Then I discovered I'd pulled him into a cupboard and locked us in. We were panicking actually. Someone eventually let us out and he couldn't get away from me fast enough."

...which, we presume, was the real reason he had to be locked in a cupboard in the first place.