The VMAs happened, and we'd be better off if we try and pretend it didn't

The VMAs - the bit on the calendar when everyone remembers MTV still broadcast - happened yesterday, in a series of events in which pop music finally broke.

Miley Cyrus was on hosting duties, and couldn't decide what to wear. So in the end she wore everything:

Every single one of Miley's VMA stage looks. Which one is your favorite? #VMA #MileyVMAs pic.twitter.com/ThvbZxU3mT

— Miley Cyrus Fashion (@StylishCyrus) August 31, 2015

Seven outfits. Seven outfits, and not one of them worked. The one with the giant Smarties on, clearly, was sold to her by a designer trying to keep a straight face while insisting that he had GaGa on the other line putting in a bid for it. But that was just the worst of a very, very bad bunch.

Somewhere this morning Billy Ray Cyrus is saying "when I said there's no way you're going on stage dressed like that", I wasn't being an overprotective father; I was talking on behalf of Vogue."

It's not just Miley's dresses which had most of America thinking it was time for an intervention, though. She's now got dreads.

Of course, there's no reason why Miley Cyrus can't have dreads - even ones that are so obviously fake that they look like they've recently been used to stop trawlers drifting off to sea - but it came across as a somewhat insensitive thing to do after her recent dis on Nicki:

Miley Cyrus berated Nicki for speaking out on issues that affect black women in the music industry,& is also wearing dreads rn. The audacity

— hot ebony mom (@egbaprincess) August 31, 2015

It shows something of a deaf ear, or poor advice, to spend a chunk of the week telling a black woman she doesn't know how to campaign on behalf of under-represented black women, only to turn up with a head full of shoddy cultural appropriation. It's fair to say it didn't go down well.

And that wasn't the end of the racial insensitivity for the night:

MTV: racism is bad! MTV: allows miley cyrus onstage in dreads, allows rebel wilson to dress up as a cop introducing the hip hop category

— spock kirk (@mrtrohman) August 31, 2015

In case you're not sure that having someone introduce the hip hop awards dressed as a cop making jokes about "injustice" is that much of a dick move, even the Daily Mail noticed.

Kanye was also there. He made reference to that time he was on before and gatecrashed Taylor Swift picking up an award:

He spoke of the aftermath of interrupting Swift lo those many years ago. He bit the hand that was feeding him by saying, "You know how many times MTV ran that footage again, 'cause it got them more ratings?"

It must have been galling that when you tried to make a gallant gesture in order to put the focus firmly on yourself, only for the awards show you're at to make hay from it, eh.

West also used the occasion to announce his plans for the next decade:

"And yes, as you probably could have guessed by this moment, I have decided, in 2020, to run for president."

Cyrus's reaction to this - which came after a break, which means not only did she have time to think of a response, but other people could have, too, was:

“Trump, you had my vote. But now? Kanye West for president!”

Even in jest, to tell Donald Trump you were going to vote for him is deadly. Perhaps there was some metajoke being made about how, if you're going to vote for some guy off a reality TV show, it doesn't matter which one you go for, but somehow, I doubt it.

In happier news, Nicki and Taylor made up their beef. But Nicki wasn't done with Miley:

Minaj thanked her pastor while taking the award for Anaconda, then turned to Cyrus, who was on a nearby stage. “And now back to this bitch that had a lot to say about me the other day in the press – Miley, what’s good?” said Minaj.

Miley was forced to go off script for a moment. Like a pro, she blamed the press:

Cyrus responded to the confrontation, with a brief comment about interview responses being twisted from their intended message. “We’re all in the industry, we all do interviews, and we all know how they manipulate shit,” Cyrus said, before continuing with her script for the night.

Or maybe she didn't, as obviously that was on The Guardian website and you know how the press manipulate shit.

You do wonder, though, why she didn't contact Minaj directly and explain what she really meant when the interview came out, don't you?

In case you've forgotten, there were awards being given out as well, and here's the closest thing to winners in full:

Best Rock Video: Fall Out Boy, "Uma Thurman"

Best Pop Video: Taylor Swift, "Blank Space"

Best Male Video: Mark Ronson featuring Bruno Mars, "Uptown Funk"

Best Hip-Hop Video: Nicki Minaj, "Anaconda"

Best Female Video: Taylor Swift, "Blank Space"

Best Video With a Social Message: Big Sean featuring Kanye West & John Legend, "One Man Can Change the World"

Song of the Summer: 5 Seconds of Summer, "She's Kinda Hot"

Best Collaboration: Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar, "Bad Blood"

Best Direction: Kendrick Lamar, "Alright" (Colin Tilley & the Little Homies)

Best Choreography: OK Go, "I Won’t Let You Down" (OK Go, air:man and Mori Harano)

Best Cinematography: Flying Lotus feat. Kendrick Lamar, "Never Catch Me" (Larkin Sieple)

Best Art Direction: Snoop Dogg, "So Many Pros" (François Rousselet, Jason Fijal)

Best Editing: Beyoncé, "7/11" (Beyoncé, Ed Burke, Jonathan Wing)

Best Visual Effects: Skrillex and Diplo feat. Justin Bieber, "Where Are U Now" (Brewer, Gloria FX, and Max Chyzhevskyy)

Artist to Watch: Fetty Wap

Video of the Year: Taylor Swift featuring Kendrick Lamar, "Bad Blood"

The lights are going out all over the VMAs. We shall not see them lit again in our lifetime.

MTV are still doing the VMAs, which is in itself a weird thing - MTV's target demographic must be puzzled that every so often the 'I Live In An Area Where Republicans Defunded Sex Ed Lessons' marathons are put on hold to celebrate pop videos. I suppose it's no odder than those times ITV suddenly decide to show the Evening Standard Theatre Awards, though.

Anyway, they're doing it again, only this time it's turned into war. Presumably in a bid to get picked up by History Channel next year.

Entertainment Tonight have taped the words 'Press' on their windcheaters, and are reporting from the frontline:

In July, Minaj went on a Twitter rant about how "Anaconda" was snubbed for a Video of the Year nomination at the 2015 MTV Video Music Awards, as well as her and Beyonce's song "Feeling Myself."

"If your video celebrates women with very slim bodies, you will be nominated for vid of the year," she tweeted. "If I was a different 'kind' of artist, 'Anaconda' would be nominated for best choreo and vid of the year as well."

She also accused the VMAs of body shaming, posting that "black women influence pop culture so much but are rarely rewarded for it."

There's a lot to unpick there - MTV might point to the number of prizes Beyonce picked up last year, including the Michael Jackson lifetime achievement style award; detractors would nod and suggest that you have to be Beyonce to fight your way into events like that while Miley Cyrus just has to shed some clothes and kiss a powertool or two and gets escorted to the top table.

Miley Cyrus. Talking of whom, she's this year's MTV VMA host, and she's fired back:

Cyrus, who is hosting Sunday's VMAs, tells the New York Times that Minaj went about this all wrong.

"If you want to make it about race, there’s a way you could do that. But don’t make it just about yourself," the 22-year-old singer said. "Say: 'This is the reason why I think it’s important to be nominated. There’s girls everywhere with this body type.'"

Cyrus claims that Minaj lost focus of the issue at hand. "You made it about you. Not to sound like a b**ch, but that’s like, 'Eh, I didn’t get my VMA.'"

I don't think that's entirely fair, but you have to at least admit Cyrus has positioned herself well from a political perspective - in effect, she's totally agreed with Minaj that the people giving her large sums of cash to present an awards show have excluded women from a certain background, but also spun out from it a personal attack which will keep all the prepublicity flowing without risking her job at the podium.

I think that's either cold-hearted capitalism, or consummate professionalism.

Woman changes hairstyle; MTV confused

What's that, MTV? You need some help with an identification problem?

You... you need us to tell you who the pop star in that photo of Rita Ora is? It's, erm, Rita Ora, isn't it?

after getting a 1970s-style makeover with bleached eyebrows and long, straight hair for the Mark Kean photoshoot - The Voice coach Rita was left looking like a completely different person!

MTV, then: still very much convinced that their father did really disappear when he put his hands in front of his face.

Man doesn't know who Jay-Z is; MTV literally can't believe it

Beyonce and Jay-Z are in Paris and are surrounded by a hullabaloo. The hullabaloo has, in turn, attracted its own hullabaloo, in the midst of which was someone interested, but not sure what he was witnessing.

MTV's Maurice Bobb just doesn't believe this:

Free life lesson: if you’re going to film Jay Z and Beyoncé taking daughter Blue Ivy on a private tour of The Louvre in Paris, you should at least know who they are.

I suppose that's sort-of true; but it's not true if all you're doing is filming a hubbub, you might only need to know there's a hubbub.

A tourist-turned-wannabe paparazzo made a major faux pas when he tried to get footage of the On The Run Tour headliners making their way into the historic French museum.

Pleasetellmehedidn'tcallBeyonceKelly. Pleasetellmehedidn'tcallBeyonceKelly. Pleasetellmehedidn'tcallBeyonceKelly. Pleasetellmehedidn'tcallBeyonceKelly.

Oh, hang on, he didn't. As his "major faux pas" was "not recognising some people":

“Who is he?” the cameraman asked about the world-renowned rapper from Brooklyn.

There's something happening. Asking what's happening doesn't seem to be a faux pas; it seems to be a sensible thing to do. It's not like recognising Jay-Z is - yet - taught to every school child on the planet.

The Magna Carta… Holy Grail MC then gave the best response ever as he walked by with his daughter in his arms and his super-famous wife — who was busy taking photos of her own — trailing behind.

Hold on. The best response ever? I'm really hoping this will be "I'm Solange Knowles' brother-in-law", or maybe "I dunno, the nurses told me, like, six times this morning, but it just won't stick", or "I'm Elvis, but don't tell anyone, they get over-excited", or "are you the only person who doesn't watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians?" But, hey, I'm an amateur. Jay-Z is a professional. Let's hear this zinging comeback - a comeback which, according to MTV's Maurice Bobb - outstrips anything Churchill, Parker or Wilde ever came up.

“Who are you?” he retorted with the steeliest gaze this side of Marcy Projects.

Oh.

I suppose to be fair, he is on holiday.

The uninformed videographer tried to laugh it off, but come on. Has this guy literally never seen or heard about hip-hop’s royal family?

It's hard to say, Maurice, but it's quite possible he's heard of Beyonce and Jay-Z, but not been interested enough to look at any photos.

Has he even heard of the Internet?

Maurice, not everyone has Beyonce.com as the homepage on their laptops. Obviously, those AOL free sign-up CDs installed a rolling Jay-Z ticker on top of your Internet Explorer 4, but since they stopped shipping it has been possible to go online, often for minutes at a time, without ever once looking at anything to do with Beyonce.

MTV launches stalker-friendly app

It's not an actual stalker app, of course. It purports to show your places where someone you know might be "so you can avoid them". Which is, like, totally the opposite of what a stalker would do. Except for the 'gathering information about a person's movements' bit.

The Things I've Done To Impress Women blog goes into more detail, and even took the time to ask MTV's PR company, Insider, about why they'd launch such a terrible thing. (Although given this is a privacy worry, I might have redacted the PR guy's direct phone numbers from the screengrab.)

Insider seem okay with it - all the information is in the public domain, so that's alright then. When Jon from TTIDTIW points out that it's the aggregation which is creepy, Insider's response is that he should "blog about it, then".

All publicity, of course, being good publicity.

Seriously, MTV: When did you start being quite so creepy? Is the terrible TV show you're showing really worth attaching your name to this sort of thing?

MTV notices women at gigs, senses a trend

That MTV has a section on its website called Guy Code is bad enough. That it runs stuff like this...:

... is unbelievable.

Why Are There So Many Cute Girls At Metal & Hardcore Concerts Now?

Perhaps, Ethan Fixell, they're there because they like the music?

Or, if you need something a little more chunky to make an article, perhaps they're there because they like the music and had assumed that in 2014 there were a bunch of sexist, sweaty cocklegs at the venues who acted like it was even a thing.

Almost every part of this think-with-your-dick-piece will make first your feet, and then your legs, curl up with horror that a proper media company would run this sort of thing in 2014:

When Dying Fetus, a death metal act not exactly known for catering to female tastes

By this, I suppose, Ethan means that Dying Fetus have no songs about ponies or babies.

... recently came to New York City, the Gramercy Theatre was — shock of shocks — populated with plenty of beautiful ladies.

Plenty?

As a frequenter of such concerts for over a dozen years, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Death metal events are known to be…how do I put this…”vaginally-challenged.”

Vaginally-challenged. I know all writers want to come up with neologisms, but there are some newborn phrases which are crying out to be taken down the canal and put in a burlap sack. The impression of a man standing at a gig saying "hey, there's a shortage of vaginas in here; there must be something challenging these vaginas about coming in..." is an image nobody would want to share, surely?

Is this Dying Fetus crowd a new trend at hardcore and metal shows? And if so, why are so many hot ladies now showing up?

In other words, how has hardcore over come the vagina challenge? It's interesting, by the way, that Fixell only seems interested in the "hot ladies".

My opportunity to get to the bottom of this came when Brooklyn Vegan and Red Bull announced a surprise Pig Destroyer performance at Brooklyn’s Saint Vitus Bar. Once again, my experience-based assumptions were wrong, as neither chaos nor sausage were in excessive abundance at the door.

Sausage! He's an equal opportunities reductivist.

Within a minute of entering the club, I met Sarabeth and Noa, two cute women who were also quick to support my hypothesis: “Oh, I definitely think the [girl-to-guy] ratio is evening out,” said Noa.

You've only been in the club a minute, and already women are rushing to support your hypothesis. Except Noa hasn't, has she? Because first of all, she's talking about the entire gender balance, and isn't engaging with your hypothesis about "cute girls/hot ladies", and secondly, she says that balance is "evening out" - and even the very fact that she has enough experience to judge this pretty much proves there have always been women at these gigs, and they've not just started to appear.

The change isn’t lost on the bands, either. Pig Destroyer bassist John Jarvis told me that while working at the Summer Slaughter Tour (featuring The Dillinger Escape Plan and Cattle Decapitation), he “never saw so many beautiful women before,” also noting happily that “side boob seemed to be a popular theme.”

John Jarvis there, doing his best to try and make gigs hostile places for women. But it's not just the bands who are working on looking at the audience in a creepy way:

Even Jeff, a bouncer at Saint Vitus, has noticed a change in crowd composition in just the two years he’s worked there. “There are more and more women at these shows. Especially more single women in groups. In fact, I’m trying to get laid tonight.”

Reassuring to know that, while he's also there to ensure the crowd are safe, Jeff is also taking the time to try and get to have sex with some of the people he's supposed to be looking after.

Lila and Lyndsay, two attractive female metal vets who have been going to hardcore shows “since Marauder played CBGB” (whenever that was) also confirmed an increasing number of girls at these types of shows.

Ethan, do you not think your entire 'I am an expert in this area and girls are showing up now' article falls apart when you meet women at gigs who have clearly been doing it for longer, and have far more knowledge about the scene, than you?

I asked them why they thought this might be happening.

“Because they wanna meet dudes?” joked Lyndsay.

Perhaps this is all Lyndsay said. Or perhaps a jokey, throwaway reference that fits the tone of the article has been selected.

Joke or not, metal and hardcore music no longer solely appeals to angry misanthropic males with poor social skills.

Yeah, the band gurgling about sideboobs and the bouncers hoping to get laid and the writer banging on about hot ladies really demonstrates that.

Sorry, I'm being unfair. Ethan's doing research, isn't he? Lets see what his 'going to one gig and using that as evidence' sweep turns up.

The guys in the Pig Destroyer pit looked pretty mainstream to me.

Oh?

Ultimately, shows aren’t as scary as they were 20 or even 10 years ago, back when “mosh pit” was defined as “place to punch / get punched in the face.”

So actually, this article you've written about how there's a bunch of women at gigs is actually a piece about how metal gigs just have a wider appeal lost in a sexist puddle, is it?

By the way, Ethan Fixell is 31 years old. If he really was going to hardcore gigs twenty years ago, maybe the reason he found them frightening wasn't because of the lack of women, but because he was a preteen.

Bouncer Jeff has noticed that these days, “When someone falls, everybody picks ‘em up.”

Yeah, Jeff. You're there trying to get laid. We know you're trying to pick people up.

Punk rock seems to now tolerate a much more supportive vibe. In fact, I twice witnessed Pig Destroyer vocalist J. R. Hayes ask the crowd to give the front row some breathing room, a request which would have been mocked in most hardcore rooms of the ’80s and ’90s.

Again, Fixell's knowledge of what happened at hardcore gigs in the 1980s is incredible for someone who didn't turn 10 until the 1992.

The internet has helped demystify extreme music, making it more accessible and less intimidating. A girl can watch clips from a Napalm Death concert and see that it’s not so scary after all, which makes her much more likely to attend.

Or she might read an article and discover that members of Pig Destroyer are trying to see her tits, and decide to go and see a different band entirely.

Even if he wasn't being so damn patronising, Fixell makes no sense - surely the point of extreme music is to be intimidating to everybody? Maybe these girls watching the clips aren't thinking 'why, providing I tie my bonnet tightly I might be able to attend this concert event and remain alive by the end of it' but just 'wooooah that is fucking wooooaaah I MUST GO AND EXPERIENCE THIS NOW'? Did it occur to Fixell that what the internet has done for hardcore is what it has done for all sorts of musical types - allowed it to find a larger audience by making it easier to discover things you might not have come across otherwise? And that might account for the increasing, less intense audience of all genders?

It sort of has, it turns out, but he only takes the though as far as 'perhaps this has something to do with Pinterest':

And plenty of studies have shown that women are more apt to share photos or videos online than men are, thus creating a quicker spread of the news amongst themselves.

At this point MTV helpfully pastes in a selfie it appears to have lifted from the Facebook page of latex model Dani Divine to illustrate, erm, something.

So far, then, so bad. But it's about to get worse, as Ethan makes the leap from wittering on about women being at gigs to thinking about how we might use this knowledge to hit on them.

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter why cute girls are there — they’re there. So get your ass to a metal, punk or hardcore show. It can be easy to pick up a woman at such a concert if you follow a few quick preparation tips:

Yeah, women at punk gigs are easy to pick up, providing you put in the work beforehand. I'm starting to think Ethan Fixell must assume the Barney episodes of How I Met Your Mother are documentaries.

Dress Slightly Better Than Everyone Else

If you own anything nicer than a Cannibal Corpse shirt and torn jeans, you already have an advantage over your competition. But for God’s sake, it’s still a metal show: Leave the chiffon sweater at home.

Or, on the other hand, the women might be at the gig because they want to listen to the band, and don't care what you're wearing.

Bring A Wingman (Or, Bonus Points, Wingwoman)

Single metal chicks often travel in packs, and it’s easier to approach such a crew with a pal in tow. Plus, it’ll help mask your ulterior motives, you head-bobbing lurker, you.

I think no matter how many wingmen you have, your attempts to clumsily hit on women are stalkery, creepy motives that you're not going to be able to easily mask. The tiny semi is always a give-away.

Get There Early

The show is going to be loud as hell, and you won’t be able to talk to anyone when the music starts playing. Early arrival will help you get a lay of the land, a feel for who’s there and the ability to talk to a woman without screaming at her like the vocalist for a powerviolence band.

I imagine for anyone who is actually following the article with anything other than a depressed horror the phrase "the ability to talk to a woman" is going to sound like a cruel jibe.

But remember, guys: make sure you get there before the music starts and spoils the whole point of going to a gig in the first place.

Bring Extra Pairs Of Earplugs

Offering them to a lady is a great icebreaker, and she’ll appreciate your thoughtfulness. Protecting your ears doesn’t make you less of a man — it demonstrates your caring, paternal instincts. (WARNING: May cause imminent pregnancy.)

Who knew that it was possible to take a sensible precaution, and make turn that into something creepy?

Know Your Sh*t

Noa even offered me a tip of her own: “Don’t assume that [any girl] is there because a guy dragged her there by the hair,” she said. “Assume that she’s into the music. Talk to her like you would talk to any other fan.” A dude into metal or hardcore can fare pretty well at any show.

I think what Noa was trying to say was 'talk to her like she's a person, not a vagina'. But that advice would have come too late.

I think, really, Laura Snapes probably summed this piece up best, and swiftest:

fuck OFF, MTV:::::: Why Are There So Many Cute Girls At Metal & Hardcore Concerts Now?

— Laura Snapes (@laurasnapes) January 31, 2014

Miley Cyrus reminds us she did that twerking thing

Miley Cyrus has noticed that people were starting to shut up about her VMA performance, and so has cleared her throat to try and keep people talking about it. This is "breaking her silence", apparently:

Miley Cyrus said: "I don't pay attention to the negative because I've seen this play out so many times."

The 20-year-old was speaking to a crew who are filming the singer for an MTV documentary.

MTV following Miley around, making a documentary about her going on MTV? Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we've got the very first circle twerk in history.

"Madonna's done it. Britney's done it," she said. "Every VMA performance, that's what you're looking for; you're wanting to make history."

Okay, I let the word "documentary" slide, but really: "making history"? At best, you're keeping topical panel games going for a couple of weeks.

Still, nice that there's an admission - however unwittingly - that this was a grab for headlines and not to deliver a great performance. But on that measure alone, Miley fell quite a bit short.

Miley, I served with Britney Spears*. I knew Britney Spears**. Britney Spears was a friend of mine***. Cyrus, you're no Britney Spears****.


* - This isn't true
** - This isn't true, either
*** - This one isn't true, come to that
**** - Truth

VMAs 2013: The year Miley Cyrus waved her arse about a bit

Seriously, who cares about the VMAs any more? MTV doesn't even show music videos, unless they happen to be being shot by someone in their never ending poor/rich/Amish/drunk constructed reality shows. I mean, thinking that the VMAs in 2013 are somehow culturally relevant is to show you don't really understand the modern world at all, right?

Yes, that's the Daily Mail not only getting excited by the VMAs, but giving it the sort of "clear the homepage" treatment it normally takes a former PM dying or an election to swing.

The VMAs, though, provide MTV and the Mail with the same thing, though: a little bit of content with women wearing push-up bras. Or no bras at all.

MTV is thrilled by it:

Miley Cyrus is queen of the twerk

The Mail, of course, is shocked:

I say "shocked". I mean "even more thrilled", of course. Seriously, the Daily Mail is so shocklighted that it takes two news stories to cover 'Miley Cyrus continues to do the sort of lungey-sexy thing she's been trying to do ever since she stopped being Hannah Montana'.

To get an idea of how terrible the VMAs are, you don't even have to worry about the winners: the categories themselves scream "executives who think they're still young". For what it's worth, here's the winners:

Video Of The Year: Justin Timberlake, Mirrors
Best Female Video: Taylor Swift, I Knew You Were Trouble
Best Male Video: Bruno Mars, Locked Out of Heaven
Best Pop Video: Selena Gomez, Come & Get It
Best Hip-Hop Video: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis featuring Ray Dalton, Can't Hold Us
Best Rock Video: Thirty Seconds to Mars, Up In the Air
Best Collaboration: Pink and Nate Ruess of Fun., Just Give Me a Reason
Best Video With A Social Message: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis featuring Mary Lambert, Same Love
Best Song Of The Summer: One Direction, Best Song Ever
Artist To Watch: Austin Mahone, What About Love
Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award: Justin Timberlake
Best Direction: David Fincher for Justin Timberlake's Suit & Tie
Best Visual Effects: Capital Cities, Safe and Sound
Best Choreography: Bruno Mars, Treasure
Best Art Direction: Janelle Monae featuring Erykah Badu, Q.U.E.E.N.
Best Cinematography: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis featuring Ray Dalton, Can't Hold Us
Best Editing: Justin Timberlake, Mirrors
Best Latino Artist: Tr3s

Justin Timberlake? Bruno Mars? Sheesh.

You might have spotted that 2012's awkwardly-named "most share-worthy artist" category has been quietly dropped; the suspicion was that was a made-up category to give One Direction a prize.

At least that hasn't happened this year, with the Direction getting, erm, "best song of the summer". Yes, it's a category that hasn't happened before, and will never happen again, but it's in no way a made-up thing to reward the band for turning up to the show. In no way at all.

One last footnote: the Mail lists all the winners of the awards. Except for the best Latino artist, with Tr3s' category mysteriously not making it onto the paper's list.

Half a million quid buys you Alicia Keys

We hear from timemtomtime of Russian oligarchs and potentates of all stripes paying large sums of money to get singers to do a special gig; to the list we can now add, erm, Manchester City Council who MTV somehow managed to persuade to underwrite an Alicia Keys gig. Manchester Confidential has the story:

For one gig in Manchester Cathedral, the ‘City Council contributed £425,000’. 

Why would they do that?

Sara Tomkins, Assistant Chief Executive (Communications Customer and ICT) at Manchester City Council, said: "This event will showcase Manchester around the world. As well as showing the concert itself, MTV are also broadcasting a programme about Manchester's musical heritage and music scene. Taking part in such world-class events strengthens Manchester's position on the world stage as a premier destination for music, entertainment and culture, boosts the local economy and increases the global profile of Manchester as an exciting destination for young adults to visit, work, study and live.   

"Manchester's ability to attract such events is testament to the ambition of the city and we hope to realise further activities in partnership with MTV in the coming years. The show has generated massive coverage across national and international media, including the Washington Post, with an expected media value in excess of £6.6m.”

Let's work backwards, shall we?

The Washington Post website (not the paper) did carry a story about the event, albeit one it just took directly from the AP? Here it is, all four short paragraphs of it.
It does mention Manchester, albeit only twice: once in the byline and once in the name of the MTV programme.

You can't put a price on that sort of coverage.

Really, you can't. It's too slight to measure; it'd come in at the sort of money you get if one of your songs is played on Spotify.

It'd be a struggle to build that sort of coverage up into a package worth £6.6million. You'd be struggling to justify spending the half million for that.

But obviously, there's more. MTV making a show about "Manchester's musical heritage". A thirty minute clip show of Smiths, Joy Division and Oasis. You might wonder if you have such a rich musical heritage, why you need to bribe a music channel to make a programme about it.

But that's where we get to the big problem. I think Manchester might have paid for this gig thinking MTV is synonymous with musical cool. That having a live gig on MTV is a bit like playing football at Wembley, or golf at The Belfrey. It's the centre of the music universe, right?

Not really.

MTV audiences have been declining for years, and even the grand feather in its cap, the VMAs, saw almost a six million drop in audience between 2011 and 2012.

But even when people do find their way to MTV, they're not watching music - remember, a short while ago they officially dropped "music" from their brand to reflect that the channel is now about pregnant teenagers, Snooki, and spoiled children being spoiled further on their sixteenth birthdays.

You know the cartoon in the Guardian Guide this weekend where people turn up at a house converted from a pub asking if they could have a drink there for old time's sake? That's exactly the same as creating music programming for MTV.

Manchester paid for the gig from a ring-fenced cultural budget, so it's not quite turning social work positions into an unwatchable TV show, but you wonder if a city which has had to close the homework clubs at the libraries it hasn't shut couldn't think of a better use for the money.

And even if it did have to burn the cash on getting an event which got a brief mention on the AP newswires, why this gig for this network? The suspicion is that Manchester have bought a very expensive lemon.

[thanks to Morag]

They still do the MTV VMAs

It's less a surprise that they still do the VMAs, as that there's an MTV any more. Do they even show pop videos on the channel any more? Aren't the categories impossible to judge because you'd ask an MTV viewer what they think of a video, and they'll just go "who... is... video... is... it... Snooki's... baby?"

Here, in case you're wondering, is the "results":

Best Pop Video
One Direction, “What Makes You Beautiful” – WINNER!
Fun. feat. Janelle Monae, “We Are Young”
Rihanna, “We Found Love”
Justin Bieber, “Boyfriend”
Maroon 5 feat. Wiz Khalifa, “Payphone”

Best Male Video
Justin Bieber, “Boyfriend”
Frank Ocean, “Swim Good”
Drake feat. Rihanna, “Take Care”
Chris Brown, “Turn Up the Music” – WINNER!
Usher, “Climax”

Best Hip-Hop Video
Childish Gambino, “Heartbeat”
Drake feat. Lil Wayne, “HYFR” – WINNER!
Kanye West feat. Pusha T, Big Sean & 2 Chainz, “Mercy”
Watch the Throne, “Paris”
Nicki Minaj feat. 2 Chainz, “Beez in the Trap”

Best Female Video
Rihanna, “We Found Love”
Katy Perry, “Part of Me”
Beyoncé, “Love on Top”
Nicki Minaj, “Starships” – WINNER!
Selena Gomez & The Scene, “Love You Like a Love Song”

Best Rock Video
Coldplay, “Paradise” – WINNER!
The Black Keys, “Lonely Boy”
Linkin Park, “BURN IT DOWN”
Jack White, “Sixteen Saltines”
Imagine Dragons, “It’s Time”

Best New Artist
Fun. feat. Janelle Monae, “We Are Young”
Carly Rae Jepsen, “Call Me Maybe”
Frank Ocean, “Swim Good”
One Direction, “What Makes You Beautiful” – WINNER!
The Wanted, “Glad You Came”

Video of the Year
Katy Perry, “Wide Awake”
Gotye, “Somebody That I Used To Know”
Rihanna, “We Found Love” – WINNER!
Drake feat. Rihanna, “Take Care”
M.I.A., “Bad Girls”

Best Electronic Dance Music Video
Duck Sauce, “Big Bad Wolf”
Calvin Harris, “Feel So Close” – WINNER!
Skrillex, “First of the Year (Equinox)”
Martin Solveig, “The Night Out”
Avicii, “Le7els”

Best Video With a Message
Demi Lovato, “Skyscraper” – WINNER!
Rise Against, “Ballad of Hollis Brown”
Kelly Clarkson, “Dark Side”
Gym Class Heroes, “The Fighter”
K’Naan feat. Nelly Furtado, “Is Anybody Out There?”
Lil Wayne, “How to Love”piness,” Kid Cudi (Steve Aoki remix) (“Project X”)

You might not be familiar with Skyscraper, the song with the messageiest message of the year. Here's the chorus:

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

In case you're having trouble working out the message for which this song won, it was an email sent from a record label going "that Katy Perry piss-weak firework song is being eaten up like a cinnamon bagel; does anyone else have any vaguely uplifting songs that would be laughed out the Redemption Hymnal?"

You'll notice One Direction picked up prizes, even beating off Carly Rae Jespen - that's kind of the equivalent of lead beating oxygen in the best gas awards.

What was the highlight of the Video Music Awards? Apparently someone showing a trailer for a movie. The whole thing is now so ill-judged attendees got a goodybag. It was just the bag, with two eyeholes, so they could slip out of the venue without being identified.

MTV ate my economy

He's saying it as an example of how weak some causation arguments can be - in other words, he doesn't really mean it - but I did enjoy Barry Ritholtz's blog suggesting that MTV's Cribs was responsible for the housing crisis and, thereby, the financial hole we're all in:

The series showcased the huge, luxurious homes of the rich and famous in music, film, and sports. It was watched by young, easily influenced kids who would soon be out on their own, buying Cribs that they themselves could not afford.

That's to say nothing, of course, the channel's long-standing demonstration of an unsustainable lifestyle where you could get not just your money for nothing, but also your chicks for free. Surely that undermined the entire work ethic of the Western world?

MTV EMAs: Eminem? EMINEM?

Trying to find a list of winners at last night's MTV EMAs in Belfast, I had trouble working out if I was reading results from last night or about five years ago. Eminem and Linkin Park? But there's Bieber and GaGa and Bruno Mars, so it must be for 2011. Or p... hang about: Bruno Mars? Two prizes for Bruno Mars?

Bruno Mars, a man so pointless you can't actually make an origami model of him because when you start with a flat sheet of paper it's already too complex a shape?

Bruno Mars, a man who milliners are offering money to stop wearing hats?

Bruno Mars, a man who would struggle to be picked out of a criminal line-up even if his victim had been his own mother?

Bruno Mars, a man who is so friction-free they rub his music onto slipways when they have trouble persuading liners to launch?

In a prize giving where 30 Seconds To Mars are judged to be the "best" alternative act (alternative to what?) and Bieber the best male artist, it's some going to pick a winner even more insulting to Euterpe, but giving a prize to Bruno Mars manages it.

Bruno Mars. A man so inert they pump him into mines during rescues to ensure there are no explosions.

Here's the winners in full:

Best Female: Lady GaGa
Best Male: Justin Bieber
Best Pop: Justin Bieber
Best Song: Lady GaGa - "Born This Way"
Best Rock: Linkin Park
Best Video: Lady GaGa - "Born This Way"
Biggest Fans: Lady GaGa
Best Alternative: 30 Seconds to Mars
Best Hip Hop Eminem
Best World Stage: 30 Seconds to Mars
Best Push: Bruno Mars
Best New: Bruno Mars

Bruno Mars. A man so devoid of charisma he makes Bruno Brookes ashamed of his given name.

Global Icon: Queen
Best North American Act: Britney Spears
Best Worldwide: Big Bang

It's been a shame that MTV has more-or-less given up on music programming in the last few years. Perhaps that explains why its prize-giving is so timid.

Pixie Lott is real, and cannot stress that often enough

Injection-moulded popstar Pixie Lott has been given some lines about how she's the real deal:

"The biggest misconception about me is that I'm a manufactured pop puppet," she told The Mail On Sunday. "I'm my own creation and I march to my own beat.

"I've been writing my own songs since I was 13 and I've accumulated hundreds of them. I've been working obsessively in the studio since my mid-teens."

In fact, to prove her point, she then repeated herself while her manager drank from a glass of milk. Enough to convince anybody.

The key point, obviously, isn't whether she is or isn't a construct - nearly all pop music is constructed - but if what results is worthwhile.

Let's not be cruel by carrying that point through, eh?

Pixie has more to say:

"One by one, my childhood dreams are coming true," she gushed. "As a kid I'd watch MTV and think how great it would be to have my own music videos on those shows. Now I turn on MTV and, along the bottom of the screen, it often reads, 'Coming next… Pixie Lott.' That's so strange that I can't even begin to make sense of it."

Yes, it is strange if they're trailing you as coming next on MTV. I had no idea that you were Sixteen And Pregnant.

MTV VMAs 2011: They've done them

The sudden takeover of MTV by an evening of awards themed around music videos must be something of a puzzle to the network's demographic.

First, the idea that "music videos" are a thing apart from just "music", like having an awards show for typography on a band website.

Secondly, that this arcane-themed prize giving is on MTV, a channel which mostly exists to divide the world into rich people with ugly houses and cars, and poor people with babies born to children. It must be like The History Channel suddenly deciding to host an evening presenting prizes to manufacturers of in-car audio systems.

Still, they've done one. You probably don't need a list of the winners, because you could guess, but just in case:

Best video - Katy Perry - Firework
Best female video: Lady GaGa - Little Monsters
Best male video: Justin Bieber - U Smile
Best new artist: Tyler The Creator
Best collaboration: Katy Perry & Kanye West - ET
Best hip-hop video: Nicky Minaj- Super Bass
Best rock video: Foo Fighters - Walk
Best pop video: Britney Spears - Til The World Ends
Best video with a message: Lady GaGa - Born This Way

Yes, that last category was "best video with a message". Thereby adding "misplaced worthiness" to the award's "thundering dullness".

MTV gets cold feet over womb police adverts

MTV has been quick to quick to rubbish claims from Heroic Media that they were going to have ads running on the network.

Heroic Media are the group who ran the billboard claiming that the "most dangerous place for an African-American", trying to turn the already tinder-dry abortion debate in the US into a race issue as well.

It's good to see MTV taking a stand against the assault on women's health - "Heroic" are mainly dedicated to destroying Planned Parenthood, a group whose main work is around providing health care for uninsured American women.

The only trouble is that they're only dropping the ads now. MTV were happily running spots for Heroic throughout much of last year, and only the stink about the race billboards have caused them to change their mind.

The network doesn't seem to have a problem with what Heroic are trying to do, it just doesn't want them to create a fuss while they do it.

The MTV message? If you're going to try and prevent poor women having access to ob-gyn services, please do it stealthily.

Pop stars plot presents

It's funny, MTV News is being online and thus hasn't a concept of a fixed space that needs filling, it still runs stuff that could only be classed as filler. Like asking some random people what they'd give to the happy couple. (Kate and William in this case.)

Adam Lambert suggested eyeliner for William:

"He could do that, he could rock that look. I think."

Have you even ever seen a photo of William, Adam? Really?

Ne-yo is a bit more practical:

"Three years' supply of sunglasses. Yeah, put them on. A bunch of baseball caps, throw those on, and try to move around like regular people," the singer said. "I can't imagine what it would be like having to live under that big of a magnifying glass your whole life ... and fake mustaches, that's what I'd give them."

Ne-Yo's idea of the gift of faux-facial hair isn't entirely unprecedented. Royal experts confirm that on his wedding day, Prince Edward was gifted with the most astonishing beard.

The O Awards: Like the MTV awards. Almost exactly.

There's no debating what the big event of the week is. That's right, the inaugural O Music Awards.

Yes, yes you do - The O Awards.

MTV did them.

O as in open, ongoing, online. And oh, god, why?

There was one tiny surprise in there - Darryl Hall winning an award, any sort of award, from MTV has to be unexpected - but otherwise, it was just MTV giving slightly different shaped prizes to the same people MTV always give prizes to.

The winners and cringe-making categories in full:

Fan Army FTW: Tokio Hotel
Best performance series: Live from Darryl's House
Best fan forum: Michael Jackson
Most viral dance: Willow Smith - Whip My Hair
Must follow artist on Twitter: Lady GaGa
NSFW music video: 30 Seconds To Mars - Hurricane
Best fan cover: Alex Goot - Hold It Against Me
Funniest music short: Lonely Island - I Just Had Sex
Innovative artist: Lady GaGa
Favourite animated gif: Nicky Minaj
Favourite fuck yeah Tumblr: Adam Lambert
Most innovative music video: Andy Grammar
Best independent music blog: Aquarium Drunkard
Best music discovery service: Pandora
Best animal performance: Parrot dancing to Whip My Hair
Best Tweet: Kanye responsible for a music bottle
Best music hack: Invisible instruments

Yes, there was a prize for the best animated gif. I'm sure they just forgot to publish the winner for 'Coolest Geocities page'.

Seriously, though: if the idea was to try and suggest that MTV is best-placed guide to find your way through the billions of music-related websites and services, does spending time and money going "wow - have you thought of Googling Lady GaGa" really do that?

120 Minutes later

Obviously, being in the UK our flavour of 120 Minutes was Paul King presenting Chapterhouse videos until someone made it stop - two hours of sitting on a sofa in a shared house saying "do you reckon he ever got the paint off those shoes?" (Actually, nobody had MTV in those days, and the programmes circulated on fuzzy VHS tapes, sourced from richer friends' parents' homes.)

In America, where the alternative music pickings in the mainstream were a bit thinner, 120 Minutes was treated with a bit more respect. But surely it was of its time? Bringing it back now feels a bit like that horrible mid-70s revival of Ready Steady Go.

Bob Mould - while happily acknowledging that the original was pivotal - isn't exactly welcoming it back with open arms:

“The show really invested in careers,” notes Mould. “The 1990s may have been the last time you see that investment. 120 Minutes elevated new artists and framed them as career musicians. But even now, my attention span is shorter. It’s a whole different game.”

The original 120 Minutes could coast quite a bit - with very few places you could see, say, Husker Du, it was simply enough to stick them on the telly. That won't work any more, because Mould and Hart dance to my demand if I type in that little box up there to the right of the screen. MTV2 going to need something unique, and surprising. For all those 120 Minutes. And hope the kids want their grandad's alternative.

Oma, granmama

Thanks to @amoammo who - on hearing of the MTV Oma Awards tweets us with this:

hahaha saw your blogpost on those new MTV awards. You know Oma means "nana" in German, right?

I didn't know that, but am delighted to know it now - I love the idea that MTV might have been inspired by those "You're not alone" adverts trying to get older people online and will theme their digital prize giving after those Shreddies adverts...

Madder Rose weekend: Hung Up In You

Apparently, but understandably, a short-lived MTV show called Oddville:



[Part of Madder Rose weekend]