The VMAs happened, and we'd be better off if we try and pretend it didn't

The VMAs - the bit on the calendar when everyone remembers MTV still broadcast - happened yesterday, in a series of events in which pop music finally broke.

Miley Cyrus was on hosting duties, and couldn't decide what to wear. So in the end she wore everything:

Every single one of Miley's VMA stage looks. Which one is your favorite? #VMA #MileyVMAs pic.twitter.com/ThvbZxU3mT

— Miley Cyrus Fashion (@StylishCyrus) August 31, 2015

Seven outfits. Seven outfits, and not one of them worked. The one with the giant Smarties on, clearly, was sold to her by a designer trying to keep a straight face while insisting that he had GaGa on the other line putting in a bid for it. But that was just the worst of a very, very bad bunch.

Somewhere this morning Billy Ray Cyrus is saying "when I said there's no way you're going on stage dressed like that", I wasn't being an overprotective father; I was talking on behalf of Vogue."

It's not just Miley's dresses which had most of America thinking it was time for an intervention, though. She's now got dreads.

Of course, there's no reason why Miley Cyrus can't have dreads - even ones that are so obviously fake that they look like they've recently been used to stop trawlers drifting off to sea - but it came across as a somewhat insensitive thing to do after her recent dis on Nicki:

Miley Cyrus berated Nicki for speaking out on issues that affect black women in the music industry,& is also wearing dreads rn. The audacity

— hot ebony mom (@egbaprincess) August 31, 2015

It shows something of a deaf ear, or poor advice, to spend a chunk of the week telling a black woman she doesn't know how to campaign on behalf of under-represented black women, only to turn up with a head full of shoddy cultural appropriation. It's fair to say it didn't go down well.

And that wasn't the end of the racial insensitivity for the night:

MTV: racism is bad! MTV: allows miley cyrus onstage in dreads, allows rebel wilson to dress up as a cop introducing the hip hop category

— spock kirk (@mrtrohman) August 31, 2015

In case you're not sure that having someone introduce the hip hop awards dressed as a cop making jokes about "injustice" is that much of a dick move, even the Daily Mail noticed.

Kanye was also there. He made reference to that time he was on before and gatecrashed Taylor Swift picking up an award:

He spoke of the aftermath of interrupting Swift lo those many years ago. He bit the hand that was feeding him by saying, "You know how many times MTV ran that footage again, 'cause it got them more ratings?"

It must have been galling that when you tried to make a gallant gesture in order to put the focus firmly on yourself, only for the awards show you're at to make hay from it, eh.

West also used the occasion to announce his plans for the next decade:

"And yes, as you probably could have guessed by this moment, I have decided, in 2020, to run for president."

Cyrus's reaction to this - which came after a break, which means not only did she have time to think of a response, but other people could have, too, was:

“Trump, you had my vote. But now? Kanye West for president!”

Even in jest, to tell Donald Trump you were going to vote for him is deadly. Perhaps there was some metajoke being made about how, if you're going to vote for some guy off a reality TV show, it doesn't matter which one you go for, but somehow, I doubt it.

In happier news, Nicki and Taylor made up their beef. But Nicki wasn't done with Miley:

Minaj thanked her pastor while taking the award for Anaconda, then turned to Cyrus, who was on a nearby stage. “And now back to this bitch that had a lot to say about me the other day in the press – Miley, what’s good?” said Minaj.

Miley was forced to go off script for a moment. Like a pro, she blamed the press:

Cyrus responded to the confrontation, with a brief comment about interview responses being twisted from their intended message. “We’re all in the industry, we all do interviews, and we all know how they manipulate shit,” Cyrus said, before continuing with her script for the night.

Or maybe she didn't, as obviously that was on The Guardian website and you know how the press manipulate shit.

You do wonder, though, why she didn't contact Minaj directly and explain what she really meant when the interview came out, don't you?

In case you've forgotten, there were awards being given out as well, and here's the closest thing to winners in full:

Best Rock Video: Fall Out Boy, "Uma Thurman"

Best Pop Video: Taylor Swift, "Blank Space"

Best Male Video: Mark Ronson featuring Bruno Mars, "Uptown Funk"

Best Hip-Hop Video: Nicki Minaj, "Anaconda"

Best Female Video: Taylor Swift, "Blank Space"

Best Video With a Social Message: Big Sean featuring Kanye West & John Legend, "One Man Can Change the World"

Song of the Summer: 5 Seconds of Summer, "She's Kinda Hot"

Best Collaboration: Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar, "Bad Blood"

Best Direction: Kendrick Lamar, "Alright" (Colin Tilley & the Little Homies)

Best Choreography: OK Go, "I Won’t Let You Down" (OK Go, air:man and Mori Harano)

Best Cinematography: Flying Lotus feat. Kendrick Lamar, "Never Catch Me" (Larkin Sieple)

Best Art Direction: Snoop Dogg, "So Many Pros" (François Rousselet, Jason Fijal)

Best Editing: Beyoncé, "7/11" (Beyoncé, Ed Burke, Jonathan Wing)

Best Visual Effects: Skrillex and Diplo feat. Justin Bieber, "Where Are U Now" (Brewer, Gloria FX, and Max Chyzhevskyy)

Artist to Watch: Fetty Wap

Video of the Year: Taylor Swift featuring Kendrick Lamar, "Bad Blood"

The lights are going out all over the VMAs. We shall not see them lit again in our lifetime.

MTV are still doing the VMAs, which is in itself a weird thing - MTV's target demographic must be puzzled that every so often the 'I Live In An Area Where Republicans Defunded Sex Ed Lessons' marathons are put on hold to celebrate pop videos. I suppose it's no odder than those times ITV suddenly decide to show the Evening Standard Theatre Awards, though.

Anyway, they're doing it again, only this time it's turned into war. Presumably in a bid to get picked up by History Channel next year.

Entertainment Tonight have taped the words 'Press' on their windcheaters, and are reporting from the frontline:

In July, Minaj went on a Twitter rant about how "Anaconda" was snubbed for a Video of the Year nomination at the 2015 MTV Video Music Awards, as well as her and Beyonce's song "Feeling Myself."

"If your video celebrates women with very slim bodies, you will be nominated for vid of the year," she tweeted. "If I was a different 'kind' of artist, 'Anaconda' would be nominated for best choreo and vid of the year as well."

She also accused the VMAs of body shaming, posting that "black women influence pop culture so much but are rarely rewarded for it."

There's a lot to unpick there - MTV might point to the number of prizes Beyonce picked up last year, including the Michael Jackson lifetime achievement style award; detractors would nod and suggest that you have to be Beyonce to fight your way into events like that while Miley Cyrus just has to shed some clothes and kiss a powertool or two and gets escorted to the top table.

Miley Cyrus. Talking of whom, she's this year's MTV VMA host, and she's fired back:

Cyrus, who is hosting Sunday's VMAs, tells the New York Times that Minaj went about this all wrong.

"If you want to make it about race, there’s a way you could do that. But don’t make it just about yourself," the 22-year-old singer said. "Say: 'This is the reason why I think it’s important to be nominated. There’s girls everywhere with this body type.'"

Cyrus claims that Minaj lost focus of the issue at hand. "You made it about you. Not to sound like a b**ch, but that’s like, 'Eh, I didn’t get my VMA.'"

I don't think that's entirely fair, but you have to at least admit Cyrus has positioned herself well from a political perspective - in effect, she's totally agreed with Minaj that the people giving her large sums of cash to present an awards show have excluded women from a certain background, but also spun out from it a personal attack which will keep all the prepublicity flowing without risking her job at the podium.

I think that's either cold-hearted capitalism, or consummate professionalism.

Miley Cyrus reminds us she did that twerking thing

Miley Cyrus has noticed that people were starting to shut up about her VMA performance, and so has cleared her throat to try and keep people talking about it. This is "breaking her silence", apparently:

Miley Cyrus said: "I don't pay attention to the negative because I've seen this play out so many times."

The 20-year-old was speaking to a crew who are filming the singer for an MTV documentary.

MTV following Miley around, making a documentary about her going on MTV? Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we've got the very first circle twerk in history.

"Madonna's done it. Britney's done it," she said. "Every VMA performance, that's what you're looking for; you're wanting to make history."

Okay, I let the word "documentary" slide, but really: "making history"? At best, you're keeping topical panel games going for a couple of weeks.

Still, nice that there's an admission - however unwittingly - that this was a grab for headlines and not to deliver a great performance. But on that measure alone, Miley fell quite a bit short.

Miley, I served with Britney Spears*. I knew Britney Spears**. Britney Spears was a friend of mine***. Cyrus, you're no Britney Spears****.


* - This isn't true
** - This isn't true, either
*** - This one isn't true, come to that
**** - Truth

Turns out there's still more coverage to be squeezed out of Miley Cyrus

The beauty of The Onion piece about CNN leading its website on Miley Cyrus's VMA appearance is in the link at the very end, which managed to twerk the news network not just publicly, but privately, in its web stats, as well.

But there's still more depth to dig with this overbaked 'woman goes to event known for desperate attempts to grab headlines; desperately tries to grab headlines; wins' story. Because up until now, nobody had thought to ask what a woman who once pretended to be Cyrus' mother thought.

Until now:

Miley Cyrus' former TV mum Brooke Shields has taken aim at the pop star for her provocative performance at the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday night, insisting the grown-up Hannah Montana star looked "desperate" onstage.

I'm not sure if that's any more or less desperate than the desperation to get some press coverage out of having once been in a TV show with the original desperado.

She joked, "I don't approve. What did I do wrong?" Shields then got serious, adding, "I just want to know who is advising her and why it's necessary (to do that). My six-year-old and my 10-year-old, they can't watch that.

"She can sing beautifully, and I feel like if she lets that lead, rather than let her bottom lead … I feel it's a bit desperate - you're trying to be (Lady) Gaga ... but it's different ... She's trying so, so hard."

Brooke, if your six year-old was watching the MTV VMAs at all - not just the moment when Cyrus ground her ass - you've got a problem.

What makes this outrage all the stranger is that this is Brooke Shields. Brooke Shields, who was in The Blue Lagoon. You think she'd have a slightly more informed view of the mediashitstorm than just crying "won't someone please think of the children"?

VMAs 2013: The year Miley Cyrus waved her arse about a bit

Seriously, who cares about the VMAs any more? MTV doesn't even show music videos, unless they happen to be being shot by someone in their never ending poor/rich/Amish/drunk constructed reality shows. I mean, thinking that the VMAs in 2013 are somehow culturally relevant is to show you don't really understand the modern world at all, right?

Yes, that's the Daily Mail not only getting excited by the VMAs, but giving it the sort of "clear the homepage" treatment it normally takes a former PM dying or an election to swing.

The VMAs, though, provide MTV and the Mail with the same thing, though: a little bit of content with women wearing push-up bras. Or no bras at all.

MTV is thrilled by it:

Miley Cyrus is queen of the twerk

The Mail, of course, is shocked:

I say "shocked". I mean "even more thrilled", of course. Seriously, the Daily Mail is so shocklighted that it takes two news stories to cover 'Miley Cyrus continues to do the sort of lungey-sexy thing she's been trying to do ever since she stopped being Hannah Montana'.

To get an idea of how terrible the VMAs are, you don't even have to worry about the winners: the categories themselves scream "executives who think they're still young". For what it's worth, here's the winners:

Video Of The Year: Justin Timberlake, Mirrors
Best Female Video: Taylor Swift, I Knew You Were Trouble
Best Male Video: Bruno Mars, Locked Out of Heaven
Best Pop Video: Selena Gomez, Come & Get It
Best Hip-Hop Video: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis featuring Ray Dalton, Can't Hold Us
Best Rock Video: Thirty Seconds to Mars, Up In the Air
Best Collaboration: Pink and Nate Ruess of Fun., Just Give Me a Reason
Best Video With A Social Message: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis featuring Mary Lambert, Same Love
Best Song Of The Summer: One Direction, Best Song Ever
Artist To Watch: Austin Mahone, What About Love
Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award: Justin Timberlake
Best Direction: David Fincher for Justin Timberlake's Suit & Tie
Best Visual Effects: Capital Cities, Safe and Sound
Best Choreography: Bruno Mars, Treasure
Best Art Direction: Janelle Monae featuring Erykah Badu, Q.U.E.E.N.
Best Cinematography: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis featuring Ray Dalton, Can't Hold Us
Best Editing: Justin Timberlake, Mirrors
Best Latino Artist: Tr3s

Justin Timberlake? Bruno Mars? Sheesh.

You might have spotted that 2012's awkwardly-named "most share-worthy artist" category has been quietly dropped; the suspicion was that was a made-up category to give One Direction a prize.

At least that hasn't happened this year, with the Direction getting, erm, "best song of the summer". Yes, it's a category that hasn't happened before, and will never happen again, but it's in no way a made-up thing to reward the band for turning up to the show. In no way at all.

One last footnote: the Mail lists all the winners of the awards. Except for the best Latino artist, with Tr3s' category mysteriously not making it onto the paper's list.

They still do the MTV VMAs

It's less a surprise that they still do the VMAs, as that there's an MTV any more. Do they even show pop videos on the channel any more? Aren't the categories impossible to judge because you'd ask an MTV viewer what they think of a video, and they'll just go "who... is... video... is... it... Snooki's... baby?"

Here, in case you're wondering, is the "results":

Best Pop Video
One Direction, “What Makes You Beautiful” – WINNER!
Fun. feat. Janelle Monae, “We Are Young”
Rihanna, “We Found Love”
Justin Bieber, “Boyfriend”
Maroon 5 feat. Wiz Khalifa, “Payphone”

Best Male Video
Justin Bieber, “Boyfriend”
Frank Ocean, “Swim Good”
Drake feat. Rihanna, “Take Care”
Chris Brown, “Turn Up the Music” – WINNER!
Usher, “Climax”

Best Hip-Hop Video
Childish Gambino, “Heartbeat”
Drake feat. Lil Wayne, “HYFR” – WINNER!
Kanye West feat. Pusha T, Big Sean & 2 Chainz, “Mercy”
Watch the Throne, “Paris”
Nicki Minaj feat. 2 Chainz, “Beez in the Trap”

Best Female Video
Rihanna, “We Found Love”
Katy Perry, “Part of Me”
Beyoncé, “Love on Top”
Nicki Minaj, “Starships” – WINNER!
Selena Gomez & The Scene, “Love You Like a Love Song”

Best Rock Video
Coldplay, “Paradise” – WINNER!
The Black Keys, “Lonely Boy”
Linkin Park, “BURN IT DOWN”
Jack White, “Sixteen Saltines”
Imagine Dragons, “It’s Time”

Best New Artist
Fun. feat. Janelle Monae, “We Are Young”
Carly Rae Jepsen, “Call Me Maybe”
Frank Ocean, “Swim Good”
One Direction, “What Makes You Beautiful” – WINNER!
The Wanted, “Glad You Came”

Video of the Year
Katy Perry, “Wide Awake”
Gotye, “Somebody That I Used To Know”
Rihanna, “We Found Love” – WINNER!
Drake feat. Rihanna, “Take Care”
M.I.A., “Bad Girls”

Best Electronic Dance Music Video
Duck Sauce, “Big Bad Wolf”
Calvin Harris, “Feel So Close” – WINNER!
Skrillex, “First of the Year (Equinox)”
Martin Solveig, “The Night Out”
Avicii, “Le7els”

Best Video With a Message
Demi Lovato, “Skyscraper” – WINNER!
Rise Against, “Ballad of Hollis Brown”
Kelly Clarkson, “Dark Side”
Gym Class Heroes, “The Fighter”
K’Naan feat. Nelly Furtado, “Is Anybody Out There?”
Lil Wayne, “How to Love”piness,” Kid Cudi (Steve Aoki remix) (“Project X”)

You might not be familiar with Skyscraper, the song with the messageiest message of the year. Here's the chorus:

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

In case you're having trouble working out the message for which this song won, it was an email sent from a record label going "that Katy Perry piss-weak firework song is being eaten up like a cinnamon bagel; does anyone else have any vaguely uplifting songs that would be laughed out the Redemption Hymnal?"

You'll notice One Direction picked up prizes, even beating off Carly Rae Jespen - that's kind of the equivalent of lead beating oxygen in the best gas awards.

What was the highlight of the Video Music Awards? Apparently someone showing a trailer for a movie. The whole thing is now so ill-judged attendees got a goodybag. It was just the bag, with two eyeholes, so they could slip out of the venue without being identified.

Kanye West believes sorry is a dish best served ice cold

After nearly a year, Kanye West has sort-of apologised to Taylor Swift for behaving like a cock at the 2009 VMAs:

"I'm sorry, Taylor," he wrote. "We're both artists, and the media and managers are trying to get between us. She deserves the apology more than anyone. Thank you [Twitter co-founders] Biz Stone and Evan Williams for creating a platform where we can communicate directly."

Yes, that'd be why it had taken him the year to get round to saying sorry. Apparently, apart from Twitter, there's no way of having communicating directly with someone. If only the telephone, or email, or carrier pigeons had taken off, eh?

But this isn't really about Kanye feeling sorry - except, perhaps, for himself:

Kanye went on to say that the media vilified him. He alluded to his claim during a 2005 NBC telethon for Hurricane Katrina that "George Bush doesn't care about black people," as a point for which the media was looking to pay him back. He noted that in the VMA aftermath, the media played the race card and turned it into an angry black man versus innocent white girl issue.

"Even though the NBC telethon was widely praised y'all didn't think they was just gone let me get away with that did y'all???!!!" he questioned, rhetorically. "The media has successfully diminished the 'receptive' audience of... KANYE WEST. ...taking a 15 second blip the media have successfully painted the image of the 'ANGRY BLACK MAN.' The King Kong theory. With the help of strong will, a lack of empathy, a lil alcohol and extremely distasteful & bad timing ... I became George Bush over night."

With all due respect, Kanye, this is total pantwash. During the Katrina telethon, you said something needed to be said. It might have made others uncomfortable, but it doesn't make you wrong.

At the VMAs, on the other hand, you behaved like a boorish jock. It's not about race, although it is about gender. Whatever caused your little trot onto stage doesn't excuse it, and people call you out on it because you were wrong, not because you were black.

Yes, it can be argued you've played into a cultural stereotype by, erm, playing into a cultural stereotype. Do you think people should have looked away because of that? Are you saying you should be allowed to clamber onto the stage and honk away because to call you on it makes the complainant racist?

Frankly, trying to get a free pass on your drunken behaviour by waving the 'racism' card around makes you look an even bigger jerk than the original stage invasion did.

Perhaps there's a reason that your management try to stop you talking directly to people these days, Kanye.

MTV Video nominations, for some reason

The announcement of the nominations for this year's MTV video awards prompts not just a yawn from Time, but we're pretty sure we can hear it scratching its crotch as it scoffs at the idea of a TV station which has stopped showing videos determining the "best" videos at a ceremony which has long since forgotten it was meant to be a send-up of this sort of thing.

Amongst the nominations, then:

Best band: Fall Out Boy / Gym Class Heroes / Linkin Park / Maroon 5 / White Stripes

Best new artist: Lily Allen / Gym Class Heroes / Peter Bjorn & John / Carrie Underwood / Amy Winehouse

Female artist of the year: Beyonce / Fergie / Nelly Furtado/ Rhianna / Amy Winehouse

Male artist of the year: Akon / Robin Thicke / TI / Justin Timberlake / Kanye West

Monster single of the year: Daughtry "Home" / Fall Out Boy "Thnks Fr Th Mmrs" / Avril Lavigne "Girlfriend" / Lil Mama "Lip Gloss" / Mims "This Is Why I'm Hot" / Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah" / Rihanna f/ Jay-Z "Umbrella" / Shop Boyz "Party Like A Rock Star" / T-Pain f/ Yung Joc "Buy U A Drank (Shawty Snappin')" / Timbaland f/ Keri Hilson, D.O.E. & Sebastian "The Way I Are"

Most Earth-Shattering Collaboration: Akon f/ Eminem "Smack That" / Beyoncé f/ Shakira "Beautiful Liar" / Gwen Stefani f/ Akon "The Sweet Escape" / Justin Timberlake f/ Timbaland "SexyBack" / U2 f/ Green Day "The Saints Are Coming"

Quadruple Threat Of The Year (No, us neither): Beyonce / Bono / Gwen Stefani / Justin Timberlake / Jay-z / Kanye West

Video of the Year: Beyoncé "Irreplaceable" / Justice "D.A.N.C.E." / Rihanna f/ Jay-Z "Umbrella" / Justin Timberlake "What Goes Around...Comes Around" / Kanye West "Stronger" / Amy Winehouse "Rehab"

It's perhaps, on balance, better that MTV has stopped showing videos these days.