Aston Merrygold's jape backfires

Aston Merrygold came up with a jolly jape for April Fools' Day: he made up some phone numbers and tweeted them, claiming they were the private lines of his former JLS bandmates.

I know, what larks.

Trouble is, he didn't think it through, and ended up sharing actual phone numbers of actual people:

The pop star played an April Fools prank by appearing to post the numbers of his former co-stars JB Gill, Oritse Williams and Marvin Humes. The numbers were fake.

But the star was mortified to discover he had accidentally tweeted a genuine number belonging to an innocent victim - who has since been inundated with calls.

It's impossible to imagine how that could get any worse.

Oh, hang on, it does:

[O]ne of the numbers – though apparently chosen at random – was in fact a real number belonging to a cancer patient.

That's pretty bad. Does it get any worse?

Bill Phillips received nearly 5,000 calls and texts, and that his phone was ringing every few seconds for hours. He therefore turned it off in order to get some respite from the relentless stream of calls and messages, however, as he’s self-employed, switching off his phone cost him “thousands.”

Bill told the paper, “I’ve had this number for 21 years and I use it for work. I know of one job it’s cost me.”

Worse than 5,000 calls; it's 5000 calls from JLS fans who haven't got over the split yet.

Aston is mortified and sorry; we know because his agent told the Mirror he was mortified and sorry. He could ring Bill to tell him, but Bill's got his phone switched off at the moment.

Gordon in the morning: How does one become an American star?

As you'll know, JLS have split into a million pieces. And now America is calling.

Gordon reports that Aston is getting ready:

FORMER JLS singer prepares to launch his new career in the United States by...

Learning all the State capitals? Converting pounds into dollars? Investigating taking citizenship?

No, silly. That isn't how you prepare to launch a career in America.

FORMER JLS singer prepares to launch his new career in the United States by eating a super-sized candyfloss

Yes, that's right. Perhaps Homeland Security have introduced a candy-floss eating element to getting a green card?

Or maybe his management are just expecting Merrygold's American career to peak at taking part in eating contests?

Gordon in the morning: Spies like JLS

Let's hope the plans for Aston Merrygold's stag do weren't supposed to be a secret, as Gordon Smart has published them today:

They [the rest of the band] have called in an ex-MI5 spook to help kidnap him and see he gets a more extreme fright than a few hours handcuffed to a lamppost.

To be fair, Ortise appears to have gurgled the details to the Sun.

Hmm. How wise is it to tell everybody - including the target - that there's going to be a hi-jinks style kidnapping of a high-profile bloke? If you were planning to kidnap a star for real, it would be useful to know there's one who would go "Ha! This is FUN! Oh, you guys..." for at least the first half-hour or so.

Still, famous people have the sort of watertight security that would mean something like that could never happen, right?

In totally unrelated news:

SIMON Cowell found a woman intruder in his bathroom — armed with a BRICK.

Are we absolutely sure this isn't some crazy prank stunt pulled by Ant and/or Dec?

Gordon in the morning: An apology

We might have given you to understand that Gordon Smart spends most of his time perving over women's breasts. I now would like to acknowledge that is unfair, and...

ASTON MERRYGOLD can't be short of a few bob - and with the band's new film out this week there will be even more cash rolling in.

So it's a mystery why he can only ever afford miniature T-shirts.

The JLS singer was out and about in London last night with another of his chest-baring tops.

Apparently any breasts will do.

Although it probably saves fans from ripping his clothes if he's already got there first...

Breathe, Gordon. Remember to breathe.

The deep thoughts of JLS: Aston

I won't have ketchup in a posh restaurant - it's disrespectful to the chef. Now, if my mum cooks a meal, I'll try not to put ketchup on it!

Aston Merrygold only uses the HP at The Ivy.

Gordon in the morning: Revolution on the head

In the continuing churning of non-stories about JLS, today Gordon reaches - well, yes, another new low:

ASTON MERRYGOLD has shocked fans by shaving off his carefully coiffered locks.

Man cuts hair.

There is something interesting about the story, though:

The JLS heart-throb gave a sneak peek of his new bonce

Bonce? Bonce? Surely this is a naked noggin, Gordon, not merely a new bonce?

I don't know what his female admirers make of it but I think it looks OK.

As long as Aston's taking his male admirers with him, that's half the battle.

In other "news", Amy Winehouse mucks about with a person taking a photo of her. We know she did this, because someone took a photo of her having her photo taken. If there's a photo of the paparazzo taking the photo of the photo, I think we'd be able to approach a gallery with a fibonaci sequence.

Gordon in the morning: He must be on points

Gordon Smart's continuing, bemusing role as patsy for the JLS PR department continues this morning as he dutifully types up an event featuring one of JLS and puts it on his pages.

Obviously, a story with Aston Merrygold isn't really a story at all - no matter how eager to please Simon Cowell the Bizarre team are, they have to have something to convince people that this isn't just an advertising feature reminding people that JLS exist.

How about if they throw in Jade Ewen? Yes you do... she didn't win Eurovision, and then managed a number 27 hit with the song. And - how fortunate! - she's just a couple of weeks away from releasing her debut album, just as JLS are preparing their debut album release, too. Why, you might have thought these two would have better things to do than go out on dates together - shouldn't they be busy arranging paper-thin stunts to get their names in the paper to try and promote their respective releases instead?

The trouble is, even the thought of Aspin Merrymeade and the other Jade going out to stand in front of cameras for an evening isn't going to convince observers that this is a story. Gordon, call on your powers: can you make this an exciting gossip story - perhaps by working in a glittery party with a genuine celebrity?

ASTON MERRYGOLD snubbed CALVIN HARRIS's album launch party to take JADE EWEN out for dinner.

Other famous people they weren't near at the time include Shirley Bassey, The Queen, and Kasabian.

Gordon in the morning: Civvy street

Lily Allen is seeing a decorator, according to this morning's Gordon Smart showbiz carousel. Or, as Gordon puts it:

Lil has found love again with an ordinary punter called Sam Cooper.

"Ordinary"? This dismissal of a bloke simply because he has a job that doesn't have a televised awards show connected to it isn't surprising, but, judging by the number of Suns propped on dashboards of vans, Smart is looking down on half of his paying audience for being a bit dull.

It's not like Allen's last reported boyfriend was that extraordinary, is it:

LILY ALLEN's last boyfriend was a middle-aged, multi-millionaire art dealer with a stash of pricey oil paintings.

So a bloke with some sort of picture shop, then. One with too much stock on his hand.

Still, it's always nice to see gossip columnists panic when their prey starts to date off-list. Gordon is reduced to patting Cooper on the head and running a "Lily Allen colour chart".

Oh, and the headline:

Lily’s all emulsional

Yes. The headline.

Having spent most of the last couple of weeks helping out the JLS promotional campaign, today Gordon runs a knocking piece about JLS getting cross in a nightclub:

Aston and bandmates JONATHAN "JB" GILL, MARVIN HUMES and ORITSE WILLIAMS got stroppy when mates including Britain's Got Talent pals FLAWLESS had to queue to get in.

Then Aston flew into a rage because he was too hot and JB moaned at being pestered by fans before fed-up staff finally gave them a warning.

Why the sudden change? Could it be because they've managed to make Smart's retyping of their press pack look a little silly?

JUST days ago I told you how the JLS boys had ditched their girlfriends to concentrate on stardom.

But these lads work fast.

ASTON MERRYGOLD has been bragging to pals about dating a mystery older lady.

Oops.

It's a pity they didn't get a photo of Gordon looking disappointed at the same time they did the "handing back CDs" and "celebrating with champagne" pictures.