Liam Gallagher: Will pay to fight

It's perhaps inevitable that Liam Gallagher has been involved in an empty spat - he and Nicole Appleton have burned through £800,000 on divorce lawyers to end up with a judge saying split everything 50/50.

I know this might make the phrase "Liam Gallagher is living off royalties for Never Ever" slightly a stretch, but... Liam Gallagher is living off royalties for Never Ever.

Moore/Adams - a house divided

The marriage between Ryan Adams and Mandy Moore, which upset a lot of indie purists back in 2008, has been ended.

The divorce is down to "irreconcilable differences". Kind of wish they'd gone with musical differences, but I suppose they weren't in the mood to go for for the punchline.

Martin, Paltrow go their separate ways

I'm guessing, like me, you didn't sleep well last night, as the words "Coldplay break-up album" kept churning through your mind like a horrified heartbeat every time you closed your eyes.

Obviously, the news of a couple separating, especially when they have a young family is always a sad thing, but...

Conscious Uncoupling

It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Love,
Gwyneth & Chris

How can they manage to make even their divorce into a vomit-inducing festival of tweeness?

How does Liam Gallagher do a divorce?

Like everything, he makes it sound like a disappointing attempt to copy something The Beatles have already done: He's hired the lawyer who did Paul McCartney's divorce.

Gordon in the morning: Decoding

Gordon Smart's on top of his game, isn't he? Today he's running an analysis of Katie Holmes' behaviour in May.

He reckons it suggests she could have been planning a split from Tom Cruise.

Tomorrow: Gordon Smart predicts last Friday's Euromillions result.

Seal: When life gives you lemons, you can sell those lemons

It's obviously a difficult time for Seal and Heidi Klum, having recently announced their divorce. Let's just give them some space.

Space for Klum to come to terms with her changed life. Space for the children to be left alone during this upsetting time.

And, apparently, space for Seal to run around yelling 'hey, if I knew that divorce would suddenly make me a hot ticket, I'd have done it years ago'.

In one of the many, many post-divorce appearances Seal has made, he stared into the eyes of PBS' Tavis Smiley and said:

What one has to do in this situation is remain civil and to retain one's dignity and to be professional.

Nothing says dignity like booking a car to drive you round the daytime chatshows, waving your decree absolute like a backstage pass.

... and to understand that we are not the only people on this planet that go through this.

Yes, you know what Seal? You're not the only people to go through this. So why do you think your divorce is worth giving the sort of publicity you would have once given to an album launch?

Gordon in the morning: Breaking the Seal

The news that Seal is to divorce from Heidi Klum is like journalistic viagra to Gordon this morning. Why? Because it allows him to wheel out the tabloid's favourite old trope:

[Other divorcing celebs] may have valid reasons but neither can compete with a national rivalry that's sparked two world wars and two semi-final defeats on penalties.

Seal said: "We certainly have differences of opinion. I mean, she's German and I'm English, so if I said we didn't have differences of opinion, no one would believe that."

I suppose the grinding out of world wars and football is relatively restrained; if Piers Morgan was still in charge of the Bizarre telephones, it'd doubtless be photoshopped pointy helmets and 'for you Fritz, ze marriage is over'.

Seal appears to have been trying to signal the end of the affair during an interview last year, which Gordon reprints for a spot of hindsight:

He said: "One of the things that we disagree over is Christmas, she opens presents on the December 24.

"I just don't see the logic in it, it's Christmas, ie, Jesus Christ? And last time I checked, Christ was born on 25 December. But you know what, pick your battles. That's one I don't bother with."

When Seal last checked Christ's date of birth - he did it online, because the opening hours at Bethlehem Registry Office are really poor - the certificate clearly stated "December 25th 0BC". Which proves that you have to open presents on that day.

It's reported Seal spent Christmas Eve last year refusing to let people in to Midnight Mass, on the grounds that it started the day before Jesus was born. "You're WRONG" he screamed. "Wrong, wrong, wrong." Before breaking into huge sobs.

Sharp observers might note that Seal "doesn't bother" with the Christmas thing, besides telling everyone else about it.

Also going their separate ways: Jai McDowall and Simon Cowell.

Jai McDowall. Of course you remember.

Actually, no, I didn't, either. Apparently he won Britain's Got Talent last year. His first album as part of his prize came out last month. Cowell has already checked his watch, though:

Cowell admitted: "I was disappointed with Jai. He wasn't what I was looking for.

"You want a Diversity or Susan Boyle, someone who is a genuine star. He is talented but the show can do better. None of the finalists were up to scratch."

Cowell blamed 2011 judges David Hasselhoff, Michael McIntyre and Amanda Holden and "possibly" show producers too.

Obviously, the guy had the charisma and talent of one of those small bags of salt you used to get in a packet of crisps, albeit without the versatility. But fair's fair, Cowell: if you make people jump through your hoops, then you should at least give them a fair crack of the whip. You've created a monster; it's your poop to own.

Gordon in the morning: Scenes from the end of a marriage

Without much of a sense of shame, Richard White and Sean Hamilton (Gordon must be on holiday, then) claim an exclusive on, erm, a court list:

CHERYL COLE is due to divorce love rat hubby ASHLEY in the High Court today.

The couple's case - referred to only by their initials - tops a list of splits scheduled for this morning.

It appears the Coles asked to be listed by initials to "avoid publicity". That worked, then.

You might wonder that, given the marriage was all over the papers, and Mr Cole's errors of judgement were all over the papers, and the split was all over the papers, and the early stages of the divorce were all over the papers, and the decision of Mrs Cole to remain Mrs Cole was released to the papers, that now is perhaps a little too late to be trying to keep things quiet. Indeed, wouldn't you want the divorce bit to actually be public?

Still, it's nice that - as Gordon promised us - it's all being sorted out before the World Cup.

Gordon in the morning: Because I'm worth it

Trumpeting off the front of Bizarre this morning is news that Cheryl Cole might want to think about opening a new savings account soon:

CHERYL COLE will get around £4.5million from love-rat hubby ASHLEY when she is granted a quickie divorce, The Sun can reveal.

Oddly, this story is credited not to Gordon, but to Lia Nicholls, showbiz reporter. Perhaps Gordon decided that he'd had enough Cole exclusives, after last week's story which told Sun readers, definitively:

GENEROUS CHERYL COLE is not asking for one penny from cheating husband ASHLEY in the divorce action she launched yesterday.

It falls to Lia to try and straddle the gap between Gordon's exclusive and her own:

The bumper payout comes despite earlier claims the singer, 26, did not want a penny.

The earlier claims came solely from Gordon Smart and Virginia Wheeler. Wisely, Lia decides not to mention the only people who'd made such a claim.

There is another question - if Cheryl not having any sort of settlement would have made her "generous", what does the decision to take four million off Ashley make her?

It turns out that this story is just another piece of speculation:

Insiders say he expects a £4million bill after he signed papers agreeing to lawyers' demands before jetting off to South Africa.

A source said: "He can't believe she will walk away with nothing. She worked as hard as him for their possessions."

Of course Ashley can't believe Cheryl wants nothing. He read it in The Sun, and who believes a word they see there?

The story ends on a slightly ominous note:

An England insider said: "The team have internet in their rooms and there's no question he'll be keeping tabs on her from afar."

Also, he knows a guy who breaks legs for a tenner. Be warned.

Gordon in the morning: Raking over the cold Coles

Gordon calls in Virginia Wheeler to help him with this morning's big story - a world exclusive, no less: Cheryl Cole is divorcing Ashley.

Yes, a world exclusive. I'll bet the New York Times and Liberation are kicking themselves they've missed out on this one.

Cheryl is portrayed throughout like someone The Sun desperately needs to keep sweet ("like some sort of saint"):

GENEROUS CHERYL COLE is not asking for one penny from cheating husband ASHLEY in the divorce action she launched yesterday.

Multi-millionaire with several lucrative jobs not needing support from other multi-millionaire, then.

But it's not just that she's not seeking money from the divorce. Oh no, Saint Cheryl is also timing the divorce so as not to ruin the World Cup:

And she has told lawyers to rush through a quickie divorce because she is determined the key England defender must go into the World Cup without being distracted by "emotional turmoil". An insider told The Sun last night:

"Cheryl made a swift decision to put England's World Cup dreams ahead of herself. The divorce should be finalised before England's first touch of the ball in South Africa on June 12."

A cynic might wonder if the timing is more about maximising the publicity impact of the divorce by timing it when it becomes a World Cup story. This is the marriage break-up equivalent of those Edam flavour crisps - there's not any real reason for them; they don't really have any connection to the World Cup; they smell a little odd and taste even ranker.

If Cole really was putting the World Cup ahead of her emotional wellbeing, wouldn't the timing of the divorce have been at a totally different time, rather than slap-bang in the days before kick-off?

The marriage always had the air of a business deal; the ending of it as The Official England Team Divorce (TM) doesn't really do anything to dispel that notion.

In other Gordon-flavoured news, the gap at the top of the Glastonbury bill is worrying him:

Zeppelin guitarist JIMMY PAGE immediately put his band in the frame to replace the Irish rockers. He said: "I refuse to rule anything out."

That's not really putting yourself in the frame, is it?

The band haven't played together since 2007; they haven't been preparing for this. Parachuting into a headline slot in a month's time sounds a bit of a stretch. And that would be if Robert Plant was interested. Which he isn't.

Mind you, things could be worst:

Eavis is also talking to CHRIS MARTIN about COLDPLAY filling U2's boots, and I reckon they will accept. They are big fans of Glasto.

Well, yes, they'd be worthy replacements, allowing most people to switch the TV off and yell "that sodbag" at exactly the point they would have done if Bono had come on.

As I revealed earlier this week, DIZZEE RASCAL, already on this year's Pyramid Stage bill, has been asked to prepare for the job too.

Really? No disrespect to Mr Rascal, but that's really like parachuting John Craven in to present Newsnight, isn't it?

The Blake-up

Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have divorced:

In divorce papers before the court it was stated that Fielder-Civil "finds it intolerable to live with the respondent".

Is St Lucia really that bad, Blake?

In light of the news about the other celebrated divorcing woman, Jordan, this morning, you might be worried at the implication of this story, but don't be alarmed. It's hugely unlikely Winehouse will be going anywhere near a recording studio in the foreseeable future.

Gordon in the morning: Chris Martin won't go it alone, unless he goes it alone

In the paper version of Bizarre, Gordon gets excited at the prospect of a Chris Martin divorce-driven solo record:

CHRIS MARTIN and GWYNETH PALTROW have a happy home life behind closed doors and here’s hoping it stays that way.

But if things did go pear-shaped for COLDPLAY frontman Chris and movie star Gwyn it could prove very interesting musically.

The thought of the words "Chris Martin" and "very interesting musically" appearing together is intriguing in itself. But what can it all mean?

Asked if he would release a solo album, Chris said: “It would probably mean I’ve been dumped by my wife and I desperately need the money.

“Hell would not only have to freeze over but be skated over and completely closed up.

“The Pope would have to declare it didn’t even exist. I cannot think of anything worse.”

So, what Chris was actually saying was he couldn't imagine any situation where he'd want to go solo, not, as Smart's headline puts it:

I’ll only go solo if Gwyn bins me

It's like, say, Noel Gallagher saying he'd only let Liam play polka music "over my dead body" and running that as "Liam will kill Noel to play polka".

Still, even if there's no prospect of Chris on his own, there's still the threat of more Coldplay stuff:

Chris has become hooked on hit American TV drama The Wire, which is even inspiring him to write Coldplay’s next album.

He said: “The main thing I do on tour is write, then go watch The Wire.”

How, Gordon, does this suggest that The Wire is "inspiring [Martin] to write Coldplay's next album"? If anything, isn't it stopping him? (And if it was, what a shame they're not making more and more series.)

It turns out this is little more than a slim set-up for Gordon to mention how he and Coldplay are big showbiz pals:

When I was on tour with the band last year, on board their private jet they were plugged into a laptop and gripped by the Baltimore-based cop show’s great fifth series.

The main character is drug dealer Stringer Bell and the British actor who plays him, IDRIS ELBA, is an aspiring musician so will love to know that he’s inspiring such a huge band.

Mos’ def.

Yes. Let's just look at that again:

Mos’ def.

Oh, dear.

Even Gordon realises that this story is too slight to lead the online version of Bizarre with, and so digitally, the big story is man trips on stage.

Peaches and, erm, whatever his name was: The dream is over

Surprisingly, considering that ranty defence of the union she undertook not so long back, Peaches Geldof and thatblokefromtheband have announced they intend to divorce. Let's not rush to be too cynical - the marriage did last several months, which is more than most experts are giving Peaches' magazine.

Blake Fielder-Civil seeks divorce settlement

Presumably Amy telling the News Of The World that he was rubbish in bed proved the final straw, but Blake Fielder-Civil has filed civil papers to start a divorce from Amy Winehouse. The grounds are adultery, apparently.

Gordon in the morning: Kings Of Leon on the brink?

If you wade through what is a bloody awful Bizarre this morning (Jodie Marsh, Britney Spears is pretty) you do get to quite an eye-catching story: The Kings Of Leon tour at risk as the band, supposedly, fall out:

The FOLLOWILL lads have had a major bust-up over frontman CALEB’s boozing.

The band told me earlier this year that they had turned their backs on their hell-raising rock ’n’ roll lifestyle.

But Caleb has been hitting the bottle big time, causing tension between him and his brothers NATHAN and JARED, and their cousin MATTHEW.

Gordon reckons the band haven't spoken for a "couple of weeks" and that management are getting nervous with the arena tour about to start. There's even quite a clever headline: KOL? with the "KO" in red.

But Gordon doesn't seem confident in the story - it's so hedged, it's buried down today's business, and it ends like this:

I hope they make up in time because this tour — which sold out in minutes — promises to cement their status as one of the best rock acts today.

So either we're going to get a "you heard it here first" or Gordon can just go "phew, it never came to that, just like I hoped".

Meanwhile, Pete Samson is again in charge of the splash, about "junkie diva" Amy Winehouse "planning a split" from Blake. This is tagged as an exclusive, but given that the Bizarre column has been predicting this since about 1934, it's not really so very exclusive.

Madonna is keeping herself busy

Divorce can be so difficult, can't it? Thank God that Madonna has some experience and some work to keep her busy:

"I'm sad about my personal life, but I feel very blessed and very lucky that I have the opportunity to do what I do in my professional life," she told AP.

She added: "It would be horrible if I was just thinking about getting a divorce and had nothing to do."

Yes, thank god for the challenge of a worldwide tour to keep her mind off things. Otherwise, you know, she might have to throw herself into looking after the kids or something.

Gordon in the morning: Splitting

Regular readers of Gordon's column will have been investing in pith helmets and fall-out shelters, as the Bizarre team have been predicting acrimony in the air as Madonna and that Guy bloke divorce.

They know it's going to be nasty.

Just 11 days ago, Richard White was worried:

MADONNA shows the strain of her divorce — looking gaunt and tired and collapsing into a coughing fit.
[...]
“You would never know [Guy] was going through what seems to be a very bitter divorce.

On October 28th, Alex West warned that innocent bystanders were being dragged in:

MADONNA and GUY RITCHIE are demanding their staff snitch on each other as part of their bitter divorce battle.

Emily Smith predicted on October 23rd that the pair were going to dredge up rumours of affairs to add to the pain:

Both Guy and Madonna strongly deny having had affairs as they head into an increasingly bitter divorce.

A source close to Guy said: “He dismisses any rumours of an affair with anybody out of hand.”

Madonna and Guy’s spokesmen refused to comment on further reports that the pair shared furious rows.

On October 29th, Virginia Wheeler took space amongst Gordon's column to warn readers it was bad, and getting worst:

The divorce battle has become increasingly bitter since The Sun revealed the split two weeks ago.

The pop queen’s pals have nicknamed him “Material Guy” — claiming he wants a huge slice of her fortune.

Oh yes: if there's one thing Bizarre readers know, it's that this divorce is going to be bitter. Cities, it's quite possible, will be destroyed.

So they might be a little surprised this morning to open their papers to a piece by Gordon and Virginia which reveals that, erm, that the divorce is going to quick and painless. Gordon is delighted:

But one thing they will both be grateful for is the quickie divorce.

They have avoided a bitter Mills-McCartney battle.

That is a blessing for the kids who must have suffered the most in the circus of this separation.

It's hard to see how the Bizarre column could have been labouring under the impression for the last month that things were bitter, and increasingly bitter at that. Where on earth did so many of the team get the idea that the divorce was going to be a messy battle, do you think?

Perhaps it was October 16th's "insider's view" from, erm, Gordon Smart:

a game of emotional chess is beginning to unravel — and there are worrying signs this one is shaping up to get dirty.

Both sides have good intentions at this stage for the divorce to pass through smoothly — mainly for the sake of their children.

But today’s revelations in another big Sun exclusive prove the battle lines are being drawn.

The last thing they need is for this situation to degenerate into an undignified mud-slinging scrap like the divorce between Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills.

And if Guy and Madonna were child-free there’s no question this one would be nasty.

So, having set up the expectation that "battle lines" were being drawn, Gordon is now delighted that there's no battle. Because of the kiddies, naturally. No word yet on why his insider's view seems to have been so out of touch with reality, nor how he's been running reports for five weeks that have been calling the divorce incorrectly. Perhaps he's saving that for tomorrow.

Peaches: It's on again

BBC News Online is reporting denials of today's News of the World story that Peaches Geldof is divorcing her husband, Thingy McThing of the Chester Cheetos.

Mind you, BBC News Online also describes Geldof as a "dj and television presenter", so I'm not sure I'd accept their word on this one.

Peaches bruised

I'm not sure the News Of The World can quite claim an exclusive that Peaches Geldof is divorcing - isn't that like claiming an exclusive on 'water runs downhill' or something?

So, then, who got 96 days in the sweepstake?

The Screws turns at this difficult time to "a pal" to provide some comfort and support:

A pal of Peaches, 19, told us: "She realised it was all a mistake - and her dad Sir Bob is delighted."

That's exactly what a friend would say - "her dad Sir Bob" - for don't we all not only explain who relatives might be, but also give them (erroneously) their title? Still, we're betting her Dad, Sir Bob, must be thrilled at the costs and horrors of a very public ill-conceived marriage and a tatty old divorce. Thrilled beyond belief.

Gordon in the morning: Has Madonna kidnapped Gordon?

Today - oh, there's going to be a lot of this, isn't there? - the desperate bid to try and make 'couple fall out of love, split' into a never-ending story sees Wheeler and Cox file another story knocking Ritchie, making him sound like a paranoid obsessive:

ANGRY GUY RITCHIE believes MADONNA is SPYING on him during their break-up.

Guy, 40, was furious that details of a private divorce “war summit” were leaked to his wife, The Sun can reveal.

He believes the pop queen is using her huge staff to report his every move.

Or, maybe, she's just buying The Sun every day. That could be it.

A close family friend said yesterday: “Any hopes Guy had of their divorce being private and dignified are out the window."

How lucky there was a close friend willing to tell a newspaper how sad it is the divorce is not being kept private any more.

Meanwhile, Alex Peake (Gordon must be having a lie-down somewhere with a Hollyoaks calendar) talks to Peaches Geldof - or rather, reads a quote by Peaches Geldof about her marriage in Heat:

“I didn’t go into it with Max thinking, ‘This is going to last forever’.

“But I did go into it thinking, ‘I love him right now and I know that I will continue to love him for a long while’.”

Heartwarming, huh? Peaches will remain married at least until she's able to divorce without the Madonna split taking the shine off it.

The piece ends with a credit, and a plea:

See the interview in Heat on sale now.

GOT a story on a celeb? CALL The Sun on 020 7782 4104, EMAIL exclusive@the-sun.co.uk or TEXT 63000.

Presumably they'd be delighted if you just read this week's Hello! down the phone to them.