Gordon in the morning: Decoding

Gordon Smart's on top of his game, isn't he? Today he's running an analysis of Katie Holmes' behaviour in May.

He reckons it suggests she could have been planning a split from Tom Cruise.

Tomorrow: Gordon Smart predicts last Friday's Euromillions result.

Gordon in the morning: Not the world cup

Why on earth does Gordon give so much coverage to a scratch team he played in having a kickabout? Complete with not just photos, but also video of the fun.

I'm using the words 'fun' in no recognisable sense, by the way.

Elsewhere, there's more football nonesense as - claiming an exclusive - Smart gives acres of space to Tom Cruise:

ODDBALL movie idol TOM CRUISE reckons his pal DAVID BECKHAM will land a starring role in the NEXT World Cup - when he will be pushing 40.

Really? Did he?

Tom, who became great mates with Becks after the midfielder signed for LA Galaxy, said: "I wish he was playing in the World Cup this year. But he will be back for the next one, you know."

So Cruise didn't roll his eyes into the back of his head and wail 'Beckham... in the squad for 2014'; he just shrugged and went 'maybe next time'. Given that Tom Cruise is probably even less interested in Girl's No Touch Kicky Ball (as the Americans call football) than I am, it's more than likely he thought the next one would be next year. Or possibly even at Christmas.

Gordon in the morning: Next door to Uri Gellar Doesn't Call Anymore House

Katie Holmes, according to Gordon, is a little bit broody:

ACTRESS KATIE HOLMES wants to star in a box-office smash before having another kid, she has reportedly told pals.

Or possibly not broody. Katie Holmes telling Tom Cruise "yes, we can have another baby, but I just want to have another multi-million dollar opening weekend first" is a bit like me saying that I'm not going to consider buying new curtains until, well, I've had a multi-million dollar opening weekend.

Elsewhere, Pete Samson's byline appears on the 'exclusive' on photos from what I see we're now supposed to be calling "Michael Jackson's death mansion".

You'd have thought when the realtor was showing him round, that might have set a few alarm bells ringing:
- Uh... this name plaque on the front door?
- Yes, Mr. Jackson?
- It says Michael Jackson Death Mansion
- It is a charming name, isn't it?

It's not entirely clear how this exclusive is different from the News Of The World world exclusive on Sunday. Oddly, the NOTW still hasn't run its photo online. It does seem to realise it no longer has any physical copy sales to protect, as it's removed the "buy the paper to see the picture" line at the bottom of the piece.

Mark Owen pulls a bloke's leg

Mark Owen made some sport when he bumped into a chap at a party and claimed he was Tom Cruise's stunt double. Victoria Newton enjoys the joke too - fancy someone being so dim as to fall for that. And where did this happen, Victoria?

Mark tried to dupe the dopey guest at a party on Tuesday celebrating 50 years of cinema. It was hosted by electronics firm Pioneer.

Fifty years of cinema, eh? Quite an achievement, that. But... what were people watching in those big rooms before 1957, Ms Newton?

Nazi times for Posh Spice

The ability of The Sun to take an amusing thought and beat any life out of it is demonstrated this morning, where a picture of Victoria Beckham in a tightly-belted grey jacket and stupid hat must have led someone in the newsroom to say "she looks like a Nazi".

Which should have been enough, but they have to drag it out, pulling in Tom Cruise, and his Nazi film, seemingly just so they can make a pun ("fuhrer enough") that would probably have been better off not being bothered with.

Beckham gets to grips with Scientology

Victoria Beckham has publicly defended cult members Tom Cruise and Tom Cruise's wife-unit with a measured explanation of the role of Scientology in their lives:

"There's been so much made of the Scientology, the this, the that.

"They are genuinely lovely people. Wonderful family. They do their thing. We do our thing. They are a wonderful family."

So, there you are, then - people just make too much of Tom's public support for a cult and the this. And way, way too much of the that. "The that" is presumably his attitude towards psychiatry.

Victoria Beckham worries about her cupcakes

We're sure that all British parents this morning - as they pack their kids off to school with body armour, a sack full of turkey twizzlers and the faint hope they'll learn something, anything - will sympathise with Victoria Beckham's struggles to get her kids even the basics of an American education:

“I’ve had to turn myself into Bree. It’s so bloody hard getting into a private school in Beverly Hills. As a parent you feel like you are on trial.

“I’ve been having to promise to do loads for the school and David has offered to give the pupils some football lessons.

“I’m just worried that my cupcakes won’t be up to standard!”

Goodness, you're not telling me that the school expects you to be involved with your kid's education? You'll be telling me next they insist on you actually attending parents evening, rather than filming an "I'm sorry I can't be there" insert and sending Dane Bowers to pick up the report in your absence.

We should point out that when Beckham says she's "turned herself into Bree", she doesn't mean the smart talking horse from the Narnia books. Which is a pity, as she'd have less work to do then, although the "smart" and "talking" bits might prove challenging. No, she means Bree from Desperate Housewives.

Helpfully, Victoria Newton's team helps Sun readers understand what this might mean:

My design wizards have mocked up how Posh would look if she really did turn herself into MARCIA CROSS’s uptight character in the hit Channel 4 show.

Actually, they've just photoshopped Beckham's face onto Cross's body, confusing "turning herself into" with "disguising herself as".

But it is better than the first try they had, which we've reproduced here.

Beckham has also had a tough time trying to settle in LA:

“David has to be in Madrid to play football so I’ve been sorting out the house myself. It was a nightmare finding a place, I’ve lost count of the number of houses I saw."

So, more than two, then.

The problem is that some people in LA don't have Victoria's quiet good taste:

“A lot of the houses I looked at were really garish — lots of gold, all very Versace.

Believe it or not David and I do have good taste. I like everything to be simple and plain.”

Which we believe is known as "sticking with your own".

Some of you might remember Vix and Bex's wedding, where they were so simple and plain in their tastes they drew the line at dying the swans purple to match the crushed velvet theme.

Topically, Victoria also touches on Scientology:

“Everyone says Tom Cruise is trying to convert us. That’s not the case. When we spend time with them it’s just not discussed.”

Wasn't last night's Panorama on the subject wonderful? It's interesting because people are, generally, well disposed to even the most outlandish of beliefs, but it's like the Scientologists don't want people to like them - so much effort expended on trying to stop John Sweeney even mentioning the word "cult" anywhere near them. And the celebrity interviews, where they all pulled double-takes when asked about the aliens-and-nuclear-bombs bit, as if they'd never, ever heard of that before. If you accept their claim they're just a good-old fashioned religion what does no harm to anyone, you'd not help but notice their efforts to ensure nobody thinks they're a sinister, controlling organisation do make them look somewhat like a sinister, controlling organisation.

But, it turns out, one with no interest in Victoria Beckham. We can sleep more soundly in our beds tonight.

We don't believe this one

The Sun's report on Victoria Beckham being lined up for Dancing With The Stars is so stinking of fish, even the paper's sister website Sky Showbiz is holding its nose as it repeats the story:

A source told The Sun: "We are halfway through the series and it has been massive. A lot is down to Heather.

"We really want Victoria. She's not very popular right now, like Heather wasn't. That's why she'd be perfect.

"Also, she might get pals like Tom Cruise and Jennifer Lopez to watch her."

In an eight paragraph story, Sky Showbiz mentions that it's only saying what the Sun said three times - it might as well have included an animated gif of Jimmy Hill rubbing his chin and going "RECK-onnnn".

Leaving aside why they'd be casting for dancers to join half-way through, and the pain of the phrase 'she's not very popular right now, like Heather wasn't', and wonder about someone working in TV in America suggesting that Victoria Beckham is "unpopular" (on the scale of the hated Heather Mills or not) rather than "nothing."

Still - Tom Cruise and J-Lo in the audience. That's less Dancing With The Stars than Staring Up Desperately Believing That Some Sort Of Uber-god Is Coming From The Stars.

I'm still Jenny from the Galactic Confederacy

Jennifer Lopez is mates with Tom Cruise and that woman, and her Dad is happy writing his cheques to the Scientologists, so it's perhaps unsurprising she doesn't see anything odd with people choosing a well-run business-cum-cult in place of a religion:

"I'm not a Scientologist, I was raised Catholic.

"But it's funny the way people come at it. To me it's so strange. These are some of the best people I've ever met in my life.

"You know, they're just lovely, genuine people.

"My dad has been a Scientologist for 20 years.

"He's the best man that I know in my life and so, it's weird to me that people want to paint it in a negative way."

Yes... fancy that, people wanting to paint negatively a cult which tries to break off contact between members and their families, which threatens search engines who deliver unflattering results, which was set up as a bet and which churns out second rate Blakes 7 plots in place of actual teachings. I wonder why.