Gordon in the morning: Playing chicken

John Travolta - in town for a Scientology gathering - tried to book a table at the East Grinstead KFC.

The KFC politely pointed out that it was a KFC and not the bleedin' Ritz-Carlton, and turned down the booking.

Somehow the story has wound up in Gordon's column:

A KFC spokesman said last night: "In hindsight, of course, we would have reserved a table for him."

Why?

It's unclear if the KFC spokesperson has got stars in their eyes, or merely had one of the grinding dressing downs that the Scientologists specialise in when they don't get their way.

Zoe says the Scientologists are coming for Amy

Showbiz Zoe is worrying over the struggle for Amy Wnehouse's mortal soul, claiming "a pal" has been telling everyone that Amy Winehouse has been getting calls from the cult.

Presumably they're thinking that Amy is so addled she might just fall for the whole 'give us your money, stop talking to your family and we'll tell you about the volcanos and h-bombs and all that gubbins that L Ron made up to win his bet' shtick.

If it is true, though, should Zoe have not followed it through by asking the "church" if it's acceptable to go round preying on the weak and vulnerable?

Gordon in the morning: The late Amy Winehouse

There's nothing much in the speculation-stuffed tale of Amy Winehouse turning up late at the prison where Blake is currently languishing Gordon brings us this morning. He notices - although, to be fair a man on the moon with a naked eye would notice - Amy wearing a giant badge with Blake's name on it. Or possibly the other Blake's name on it. Being late, she couldn't go in to see him.

In the paper and on the front of the Bizarre site, the headline is

Heart Blake Hotel

Which makes sense, apart from the hotel bit - which isn't really needed anyway, is it? But if you wanted to use Elvis headlines, given that Amy was refused entry, wouldn't Jailhouse Block have been better?

Lynsey Haywood contributes the surprising news that Pete Doherty has turned to Scientology. Well, not quite, she admits deeper into the story - he's hanging around with a scientologist, Nadine Ruddy and:

has bought a pile of books on the subject since meeting Scientologist DJ NADINE RUDDY.

And he has been leaving his Wiltshire mansion to stay at her home in Reading, Berks, at least once a week.

Which isn't quite the same thing as starting to work your way towards becoming a level three thetan or whatever it is. Still, let's keep a close eye to see if the next album is called Down In Xenu or something.

Eleswhere in The Sun, the paper calls for something to be done about heavy drinking:

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith promised last month to punish the parents of kids caught boozing.

Excellent. Let’s see a flood of prosecutions without delay. You could haul culprits from their beds every night in every town in Britain.

Or, like the heralded binge-drinking crackdown mysteriously overlooked in the Budget, is it all just talk?

Youngsters getting drunk, it turns out, is the fault of "liberal attitudes". And not, say, the attitude fostered by articles in a certain newspaper column we could mention which glorifies the idea of getting incapable and treats drunkeness as a big giggle, like, for example:

Pop babes are the No1 caners

last Friday, or when Gordon gives an award to the most-frequently drunk:

KATE MOSS and KELLY OSBOURNE have launched a commendable double-pronged attack to land my Caner Of The Year award.

Or when Gordon praises Adele for necking as much free booze as she can:

I think Adele is a cracker. And she’s bound to be up for a right tear-up at the UK’s biggest music awards.

At the bash on Tuesday loads of perfectly groomed fashion people strutted their funky stuff around the chocolate treat-laden table.

But Adele was more interested in finding somewhere to line up her free beverages. Good girl.

With a bit of chocolate stuck to her forehead, she cheerily added: “I’ve been loving all of the parties recently – so much free booze.”

Forget Chasing Pavements Adele, you could start chasing after my Caner Of The Year gong at this rate.

It's fine for the Sun to call for young people to be set a good example. They might want to start by putting their own house in order first.

This is why they want to keep children from computers

We suppose, at least, the current fascination with the 'Rickroll' (whereby one links something random to Never Gonna Give You Up on YouTube) isn't being driven by a marketing company trying to flog deodorant or training shoes.

What is rickrolling?

As far as we can tell. It's a bit like a slightly less infernal version of that 2inches.com stunt you used to see all the time on Popbitch, back when you used to read Popbitch all the time. A link promising one thing, but delivering something else.

Rick himself is being good natured about this blast of kind of fame:

“I think it’s just one of those odd things where something gets picked up and people run with it,” Astley said. “But that’s what brilliant about the Internet.”

Rickrolling is being co-opted into direct action, too, reports the New York Times:

Former Scientologists protesting against the church, for example, have been playing and singing the song this year outside Scientology offices in London, Washington, Seattle and other cities.

Although singing 'Never gonna give you up' outside a cult office is surely the wrong message, isn't it?

It will all help ticket sales for this summer's Here And Now tour, where he shares billing with Bananarama, ABC, Paul Young, Curiosity Killed The Cat, Johnny Hates Jazz and the Cutting Crew. (Since H&N promises 'only the hits', surely those last two won't be on stage very long?) It'll help with sales, that is, providing that someone links to the actual ticketshop and doesn't just rickroll the curious.

Gordon in the morning: Not such a breast expert

Given that he spends so much time talking about breasts, you'd expect Gordon to know something about them. Apparently not, as he responds to a picture of Cheryl Cole wearing a Fashion Targets Breast Cancer shirt without apparently realising what it is:

THINGS look brighter for CHERYL COLE as she steps out in a garish yellow top.

It might be considered a little tacky to describe something worn to promote a charitable end as "garish" without at least acknowledging that there's more to the garment than just being a tshirt. Let's hope one of the journalists at the Sun can brief him properly before poppy day.

Gordon is delighted that Cheryl looks happy in the shot:

I reckon Cheryl is looking much happier now that she’s sorted out her marriage.

That'd be the one you've spent the last month telling her she can only be happy if she walks out on, wouldn't it, Gordon? The one where the trouble started not only because her husband behaved like an arse, but because you made the humiliation very public indeed?

Gordon also carries news of Robbie Williams' claims that he's seen three UFOs and that

He says he also believes cult Scientology “exists”

Uh... Gordon, the cult Scientology does exist. You want to get yourself up Tottenham Court Road, you'll get yourself a scoop. Perhaps what you mean is that Williams believes the fairy-story at the heart of the money-making cult, which would confirm that he's got no judgement worth considering.

Poison in the Beck?

Murky claims surface in Vanity Fair that Beck pulled out a film project, leaving the aspiring producer so bereft they took their own life.

Beck can hardly be held responsible for that - after all, you can't do business on the basis of worrying about how upset people will be if you didn't. What's murky, though, is the distance Beck seems to be putting between himself and the late Theresa Duncan.

The film, Alice Underground, was to be about a rock star kidnapped by schoolgirls who try to help him leave the Church of Scientology. Duncan told friends that Beck was keen on the movie - and on emulating the protagonist by also leaving the cult; and, when the Church started to get worried about the project, that he pulled out.

Rubbish, cries Beck:

"That's ridiculous. Totally false," Beck told the mag about his alleged agreement to work on "Alice."

"Had we been closer and discussed anything as personal as religion, I would have only had positive things to say about Scientology."

[...]

"We never met to discuss the film," Beck said. "I did explain to her I wasn't looking to act right then, and with the album, tour schedule, and a baby on the way, it wouldn't be feasible."

You have to wonder how one person can be sure they met and talked about working together when the other is equally sure they didn't. You'd have thought Beck would be comfortable, never having discussed the film, to talk about it:

A spokesman for the rocker told The Post last night that Vanity Fair's quotes from Beck were accurate.

But the mouthpiece said Beck didn't want to add any additional comments: "That's about as on-the-record as you're going to get from him."

But he isn't.

Beckham gets to grips with Scientology

Victoria Beckham has publicly defended cult members Tom Cruise and Tom Cruise's wife-unit with a measured explanation of the role of Scientology in their lives:

"There's been so much made of the Scientology, the this, the that.

"They are genuinely lovely people. Wonderful family. They do their thing. We do our thing. They are a wonderful family."

So, there you are, then - people just make too much of Tom's public support for a cult and the this. And way, way too much of the that. "The that" is presumably his attitude towards psychiatry.

Victoria Beckham worries about her cupcakes

We're sure that all British parents this morning - as they pack their kids off to school with body armour, a sack full of turkey twizzlers and the faint hope they'll learn something, anything - will sympathise with Victoria Beckham's struggles to get her kids even the basics of an American education:

“I’ve had to turn myself into Bree. It’s so bloody hard getting into a private school in Beverly Hills. As a parent you feel like you are on trial.

“I’ve been having to promise to do loads for the school and David has offered to give the pupils some football lessons.

“I’m just worried that my cupcakes won’t be up to standard!”

Goodness, you're not telling me that the school expects you to be involved with your kid's education? You'll be telling me next they insist on you actually attending parents evening, rather than filming an "I'm sorry I can't be there" insert and sending Dane Bowers to pick up the report in your absence.

We should point out that when Beckham says she's "turned herself into Bree", she doesn't mean the smart talking horse from the Narnia books. Which is a pity, as she'd have less work to do then, although the "smart" and "talking" bits might prove challenging. No, she means Bree from Desperate Housewives.

Helpfully, Victoria Newton's team helps Sun readers understand what this might mean:

My design wizards have mocked up how Posh would look if she really did turn herself into MARCIA CROSS’s uptight character in the hit Channel 4 show.

Actually, they've just photoshopped Beckham's face onto Cross's body, confusing "turning herself into" with "disguising herself as".

But it is better than the first try they had, which we've reproduced here.

Beckham has also had a tough time trying to settle in LA:

“David has to be in Madrid to play football so I’ve been sorting out the house myself. It was a nightmare finding a place, I’ve lost count of the number of houses I saw."

So, more than two, then.

The problem is that some people in LA don't have Victoria's quiet good taste:

“A lot of the houses I looked at were really garish — lots of gold, all very Versace.

Believe it or not David and I do have good taste. I like everything to be simple and plain.”

Which we believe is known as "sticking with your own".

Some of you might remember Vix and Bex's wedding, where they were so simple and plain in their tastes they drew the line at dying the swans purple to match the crushed velvet theme.

Topically, Victoria also touches on Scientology:

“Everyone says Tom Cruise is trying to convert us. That’s not the case. When we spend time with them it’s just not discussed.”

Wasn't last night's Panorama on the subject wonderful? It's interesting because people are, generally, well disposed to even the most outlandish of beliefs, but it's like the Scientologists don't want people to like them - so much effort expended on trying to stop John Sweeney even mentioning the word "cult" anywhere near them. And the celebrity interviews, where they all pulled double-takes when asked about the aliens-and-nuclear-bombs bit, as if they'd never, ever heard of that before. If you accept their claim they're just a good-old fashioned religion what does no harm to anyone, you'd not help but notice their efforts to ensure nobody thinks they're a sinister, controlling organisation do make them look somewhat like a sinister, controlling organisation.

But, it turns out, one with no interest in Victoria Beckham. We can sleep more soundly in our beds tonight.

J-Lo and her "rightness" wrongness

Jennifer Lopez's appearance on American Idol may have proven rumours she's signed up for Scientology, the religion-a-like scam invented for a bet.

During her interviews to push the show, she slipped the word "rightness" into the conversation:

When asked about her comments on the judges' critiques of the contestants, Lopez said that in contrast to the harsh statements of Simon Cowell, she believed that "concentrating on the rightness brings more rightness."

"Rightness" is the sort of phrase that L Ron Hubbard used to use all the time. Oddly, the Metro thinks this is a quip of some sort. Yeah, that's so amusing.

I'm still Jenny from the Galactic Confederacy

Jennifer Lopez is mates with Tom Cruise and that woman, and her Dad is happy writing his cheques to the Scientologists, so it's perhaps unsurprising she doesn't see anything odd with people choosing a well-run business-cum-cult in place of a religion:

"I'm not a Scientologist, I was raised Catholic.

"But it's funny the way people come at it. To me it's so strange. These are some of the best people I've ever met in my life.

"You know, they're just lovely, genuine people.

"My dad has been a Scientologist for 20 years.

"He's the best man that I know in my life and so, it's weird to me that people want to paint it in a negative way."

Yes... fancy that, people wanting to paint negatively a cult which tries to break off contact between members and their families, which threatens search engines who deliver unflattering results, which was set up as a bet and which churns out second rate Blakes 7 plots in place of actual teachings. I wonder why.