The rural dean lay inert in his John 3:16 shirt

Pope Francis - his chosen Papal name means 'one desperate to be liked' - is going to release an album of rock music.

Or rather, it sounds like some of his god-related-thinkings have been slapped on top of some "contemporary" music. It's Yet More Christian Rock, not Francis going "Holy child" to the tune of "Gangnam Style".

Stacy Lattishaw has gone from Jump To The Beat to praise to the heavens

Ever wondered what happened to Stacy Lattishaw?

Oh. Not even a little bit?

Go on, pretend you do.

Brilliant. Glad you asked, as she's resurfaced in Texas as a church minister:

Lattisaw, a minister in the Christian denomination known as “Spirit-Filled” spoke to a crowded convention hall in Humble Saturday morning. She was the guest speaker at the Unveiled Hope-Dream Again conference during the morning service at the Humble Civic Center on Oct. 18.

I know what you're thinking. Okay, I know what I'm pretending you're thinking - how did she go from this:

... to standing in Texas saying "praise is my weapon"?

Like most of the great Christian martyrs, she was called through the medium of an infected scalp:

A particularly bad scalp infection was one of the factors that made Lattisaw refocus her energy in a religious direction.

After she developed a fungal infection on the top of her scalp, she awoke every day and held mirrors up to “look at it.” Lattisaw became even more concerned after a visit to her doctor where he said he had not seen an infection quite that bad and urged her to get an AIDS test.

At the height of her anxiety, “God sent me a prophet who told me to begin praise and worship.”

Ringworm, then. It suggests that God might have spoken to Stacy by getting her to swap to a cheaper shampoo at some point.

I do wonder if at some point she had a conversation with a friend:
- You're giving up the entertainment industry to become a minister? You should have your head examined.
- I've just had my head examined, that's why I'm going to become a minister

Medical note: It's also possible to treat ringworm using medication and medicated shampoo.

How can you fund your pop career?

For artists unsupported by a label, the costs of starting up your pop music career can be prohibitive. Is there a different way you can cover those expenses?

If you're Sun Ho, you could just get your husband to fund it from church expenses. That might sound kinda embezzley, but it's fine, honest:

Embattled pastor Kong Hee of City Harvest Church in Singapore has insisted before court that the millions spent on his wife Sun Ho's pop star career were necessary for the growth and expansion of the megachurch, explaining that his role evolved from that of a "shepherd" to being a "rancher."

"If not for the Crossover, we would be just another neighborhood church. The Crossover Project doubled, tripled our congregation size," he told the court, according to Channel News Asia.

Prosecutors in Singapore take a contrary view; which is why Kong is in court explaining the transaction.

Shirley Manson wants the pigs to go free

Here's a headline you don't expect to see:

Shirley Manson Urges Wisconsin Church to Cancel Pig Wrestling Event

St. Patrick’s Parish in Stephensville is planning to have a pig "wrestling" competition.

They say it's wrestling. I think when we were kids, we all used the "hey, let's wrestle" line when we were interested in the grappling more than the sport, but the church do seem firm that they're interested in fighting, and not merely trying to find cover to allow themselves to get close contact with pigs in a socially acceptable way.

Joking aside, it's premium asshole behaviour:

“I am so disturbed to learn from my friends at The Humane Society of the United States that St. Patrick’s Parish is planning a contest in which pigs are punched in the face, kicked, body-slammed, jumped on, and thrown into a bucket. Pigs are exceptionally intelligent animals who deserve to be treated with love and care.

“Wisconsin has a special place in my heart since my band Garbage got its start there. We are better than this unnecessary and abusive activity. Please cancel the Roundup Pig Rassle immediately and permanently.”

And what does the church make of this request that perhaps they don't want to punch pigs in the face?

They've gone with the "it's not against the law and we've done it for years" defence:

St. Patrick Parish, located in Stephensville, Wis., will be hosting its 44th Annual Roundup Days this coming weekend. Event activities include Mass, dinner, parade, raffles and a live band. As part of these activities is an event called the Pig Rassle.

Pig wrestling, also known as a rassle or wrasslin', is an event that is held in various places throughout the United States. Individuals or teams are given the task to place a pig at a designated location. The challenge is typically set within a fenced area containing water and mud. The Pig Rassle is not unique to St. Patrick Parish and has taken place for many years at county fairs and other community events.

The Roundup Days have taken place for more than 40 years, and the Pig Rassle has been part of this event for several of those years. Consideration is taken to ensure that the pigs are safe and free from any abuse. After consultation with local authorities, it has been determined that there is no illegality associated with this event. St. Patrick Parish does not condone animal abuse.

Thanks to all who are helping the parish to address this situation. Greatly appreciated.

Yes, that's a Catholic Church who are shrugging and saying 'we're not going to worry about whether something is moral, so long as it's traditional and we won't go to prison.

I can't pretend to understand religion, but your statement on the pig punching party you're throwing does suggest all that's wrong with it.

Not a thought about what's ethical, not a thought about what's kind, not a thought about the right thing to do. Just a ass-covering justification.

And this abandonment of a chance of moral leadership is so they can be cruel to pigs. Hard to believe Catholicism is in decline, isn't it?

Justin Bieber: Some free PR advice

Hi, Justin.

You're in it up to your neck, right? Turns out that you've done some pretty nasty, pretty racist things, and videos of them have got out into the wider world.

I'm sure you'll spot the irony - the ease of creating and sharing digital video made you into a massive celebrity; now, that same ease of creation and sharing shows that you're a massive asshat.

And I know that there's a scrum of people running around, trying to work out how you can make this 'Justin Bieber is a massive racist' stain go away.

Here's a hint. If your PR team cook up a stunt that results in a headline like this:

... you're probably screwed.

(Sidenote: You - or the growns up around you - do know that 'reading the Bible' isn't always the opposite of 'being a massive racist', right?)

Elton John is a bad influence, says imam

Elton John's decision to play Russia not exactly going down well with everyone there. Seidzhagfar Lutfullin isn't a fan:

Denouncing the British superstar as "the devil's work in the shape of a pederast," the imam warned that God could rain destruction on cities in the style of the Old Testament's Sodom and Gomorrah as punishment for John's sexual delinquency.

"Sodomy...is what the world famous homosexual Elton John, (sic) who recently wed a man in public, is promoting," the imam said in remarks published on the Web site of Kazan's Thousandth Anniversary of Islam Mosque.

He then checked his notes, and said "oh... actually, he's promoting his extensive back catalogue of solo albums. But they're probably about sodomy."

Lutfullin hopes that everyone will respond to his concern by staying at home the night John plays Kazan. At their own homes. Alone. WITH THEIR PANTS ON.

It's interesting that the devil chose to shape John like a pederast. Isn't Lutfullin the same sort of basic shape - round head at the top; pair of arms; pair of legs; long, glistening cock; a pair of delicious, yearning, sweat-gleaned testicles swinging free underneath loose cloth?

Gordon in the morning: Jessie J votes for modesty

Gordon Smart has an interview this morning with Jessie J, where she attempts to bring the sort of 'let's keep things positive, everything's for the best' approach she used for judging on The Voice to the vexed question of Islamic dress.

"As an artist I try and be controversial and I have been a bit offensive at times. I have a view on the burka and I'm sure a few of the Muslim girls and their families would have a view of me on stage in next to nothing!"

Some of the families have a view of Jessie J writhing half-naked on the stage. The others bought cheaper seats and only had an obscured view.

Jessie, can you solve the problem of centuries of religious injunctions about the modesty of women, perhaps by pulling a statement that sounds like it's been lifted from a Disney song out of the air?

"I remember while I was at school some of my Muslim friends talked about a handful of people spoiling things in every culture. Hatred or hurt or pain isn't specific to a religion.

"I think it's a matter of acceptance. The one thing the world has to accept is everybody is different. What is normal to us is different and unusual to somebody else."

Expertly swerving the question at the heart of the issue - is it a choice, or is it enforced - Jessie J has just moved us straight to the hug at the end.

More interesting, surely, is the quote that kicks off the piece. Let's look at that again:

As an artist I try and be controversial

Wearing crop tops; making Top 40 pop; doing shows for charidee and tea-time telly. Yes, I can see the Vorticist influence there.

Face '83: The Clark Sisters

Ten years into their career, You Brought The Sunshine was the Clark Sister's biggest crossover hit; it came at a tough time as their decision to consort with mammon by playing the Grammy awards left the group detached from their church, and their mother.

Gospel experts insist that there's a distinct "Clark Sound", which might be the case if you listen to a lot of gospel music, but I'm not convinced.

Still, a song which caused a mini-Reformation style spasm in a church has to be treated with respect.

Face 6; History 5.



[Part of The Face's best recordings of 1983]

Westboro Baptist Church take on Radiohead

Having fought successive battles against gays, the Devil, gay devils, devilish gays, people who like gays, people who like devils, Devils' Food, the army, the dead, happiness and their own dignity, perpetually confused hate-geese Westboro Baptist Church have now added Radiohead to their busy schedule of trying to make everyone as miserable as they are.

The Church turned up to protest against the band playing Kansas, on the grounds that they are:

freak monkey’s with mediocre tunes

I like the idea of a church turning up to protest against mediocre tunes. If Noel Gallagher ever goes back to the US, boy, are they going to be busy.

Miley Cyrus has killed God

Miley Cyrus was taken with a photo of Lawrence Krauss, so much so, she shared it with her Twitter followers.

It had this quote from Krauss attached:

“You are all stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded, because the elements (carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, all the things that matter for evolution) weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in stars. So forget Jesus. Stars died so you can live.”

I know what you're thinking: how could he have left out mentioning how we have to get back to the garden, right?

That, though, isn't what has caused a storm of stupid to come raining down on Cyrus' head:

“You seriously believe that crap? It’s so ridiculously stupid. Go to hell,” one person tweeted at her, while another added, “So are you no longer a Christian? Forget Jesus??? Seriously? What has happened to you out there in the famous world? What????

Cyrus has politely rolled her eyes and, well, raised them to heaven:

It makes me sad to think the world is this way. Like Einstein says "Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."

— Miley Ray Cyrus (@MileyCyrus) March 6, 2012

I'm not entirely sure that trying to win round people who don't believe in scientific origins of the Universe with a quote from Einstein is going to be effective, but kudos for not taking the career-minded route of issuing a cringing apology.

It's surprising that Miley Cyrus turns out to be one of our bravest pop stars; it's depressing that we live in times where quoting Krauss is brave.

Gordon in the morning: Hello? Hello?

With News International (or "the publisher of The News Of The World" as the Times described its parent company on Saturday) admitting it had been involved in repeated criminal activity at the Sunday paper, presumably Gordon will have something interesting and contrite to say this morning about the claims that the Bizarre team also indulged in hacking their way into people's phones and listening to stuff they shouldn't.

Oddly, can't find anything this morning. Perhaps there's a delay as his Photoshop boffins try to create an image of a former member of the Bizarre desk indulging in nefarious activities.

I'm always delighted to help out, so here's a picture he can have for free:

Obviously, I should point out that Andy Coulson has denied any and all knowledge of phone hacking and it was nothing to do with him and how the hell can you expect someone to know what their staff are doing. After all, if he was lying there what would that say about David Cameron's judgement?

What Gordon does has space for is a story about the Catholic Church getting all upset over Lady GaGa's plans to play Mary Magdalene in a pop video.

The Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights have branded the forthcoming effort, due to be premiered on April 19, as a stunt.

The pressure group's president BILL DONAHUE stormed: "People have real talent, and then there is Lady Gaga. I find Gaga to be increasingly irrelevant.

"Is this the only way to jet up her performance? This isn't random, we are getting closer to Holy Week and Easter."

It's odd that Bill Donahue is running around giving interviews to major media outlets about how irrelevant Lady GaGa is. I suppose it's lucky that she isn't doing this as yet another hackneyed move filched from Madonna's descending years and would have been desperate for some bunch of swivel-eyed loons to take uber-offense and run around making a fuss, otherwise you'd have been playing straight into her hands, Bill. Imagine that.

Church o'bigots choose Ozzy as their saviour

Good to hear Ozzy Osbourne issuing a quick slapdown to the Westboro Baptist "Church" for them using his Crazy Train as part of their grinding campaign against basic decency.

The big question, though, is why the church was using the song in the first place. A screamingly right-wing high-holy church with The Prince Of Darkness in their record collection? Somebody's not going to heaven...

Roger Waters sighs, explains that he's not an anti-Semite

To be fair, Waters doesn't need to explain what he's trying to do, as even the ADL seemed to have understood his stage show before they then pretended not. But Sideline have reported his formal response:

"Contrary to Mr Foxman's assertion, there are no hidden meanings in the order or juxtaposition of these symbols. The point I am trying to make in the song is that the bombardment we are all subject to by conflicting religious, political, and economic ideologies only encourages us to turn against one another, and I mourn the concomitant loss of life. If 'The Wall' show did have a political message it was to seek to illuminate our condition, and find new ways to encourage peace and understanding, particularly in the Middle East."

The other charge - that Waters deals with global politics in such a broad-brushed way that it would make a sixth form common room cringe - remains on the record for now.

What can Black Sabbath teach the Church of England?

Both the CofE and Sabbath have stuff in common: venerable institutions back in the past, now well past their level of usefulness and run purely as cash-cows by dubious characters. So it's not so crazy that the Reverend Rachel Mann has suggested the church could take a lesson from the Sabbath. The Register has details:

“As both priest and metal musician and fan, it strikes me that the Church, especially at this agonized time, has a serious gospel lesson to learn from this darkest and heaviest music.”
[...]
“The music’s willingness to deal with nihilistic and, on occasion, extremely unpleasant subjects seems to offer its fans a space to accept others in a way that shames many Christians," she says.

She adds that parish councils across the land may want to emulate the ways of the headbanger, who she describes as generally “graceful, welcoming and gentle”.

Archbishop Ronan Williams was unavailable for comment, because he was still trying to bite the head of a bat in a bid to unify the African and North American wings of Anglicanism.

Katy Perry says 'hands off Jesus'

Given that Katy Perry is the daughter of a hyper-Christian, she should have an interesting perspective on the use of church imagery in pop.

She doesn't, though.

Shortly after Lady GaGa did her rosary-swallowing video, Perry tweeted:

"Using blasphemy as entertainment is as cheap as a comedian telling a fart joke."

Ha! Yes, it's like doing a fart joke. Or, you know, a young pop singer throwing faux-lesbianism into a song in a bid to try and make good the shortcomings in her talent. That sort of thing.

Anyway, the jibe was obviously aimed at GaGa. Wasn't it?

"What's funny is that everybody was assuming I was directing it completely towards her, and if I was directing something I would write their '@,' " she told a French radio station. "Lately, I've just been seeing some things that are kind of like, I don't know, in my own personal feelings, a little bit like not something I would do, I guess."

Experts tell us that it looks like Perry had opened the oven of her mouth before the souffle of thoughts had finished cooking.

"Actually" clarified the experts, "looking again, it's more as if she's just thrown some eggs straight into the oven and hoped that somehow it might end up as a souffle. Metaphorically speaking."

But, you might be wondering, how can a please-buy-sexual throw stones? Perry has an answer to that:

"Yes, I said I kissed a girl. But I didn't say I kissed a girl while f---ing a crucifix."

I'm not sure you actually can fuck a crucifix. I suppose if it was large enough you might be able to do some sort of frottage. Or maybe Perry meant something along the lines of crucifix masturbation along the lines of The Exorcist. But she didn't do it. Because in her own personal feelings it's a little bit like something she wouldn't do, we guess.

Akon upsets some more people

Accident-prone Akon - the Frank Spencer of mid-market sludge & B - has now managed to upset an entire religion. And a nation.

Sri Lanka is bloody angry with him:

Sri Lanka has refused to issue a visa to Akon, the Senegalese-American singer and rapper who is due to perform there next month, after Buddhist activists took offence at one of his music videos.

They said that the video for Akon’s song Sexy Bitch, which features bikini-clad women dancing in front of a statue of the Buddha in Ibiza, had offended members of the Sinhalese ethnic majority, which is mainly Buddhist.

On Monday, hundreds of protesters stormed the head offices of the Maharaja Broadcasting and Television Network, the concert’s media sponsor, injuring four employees, smashing windows and damaging parked cars.

There is, of course, an "I hate Akon" Facebook group - although given there's an "I hate" everything Facebook, that's not really significant.

Akon - who is skilled at issuing apologies - flicked through the file past papers headed 'I had no idea she was underage', 'Who knew there were those vouchers there' and 'God, are you telling me it was actually loaded?' to come up with the one marked 'Religion (general enragement of)':

“I was not aware that the statue was even on the set of the video until now. I would never set out to offend or desecrate anyone’s religion or religious beliefs,” Akon said in a statement. “I myself am a spiritual man, so I can understand why they are offended, but violence is never the answer and I am disheartened."

Yes, Akon, trying to placate the Buddhists by claiming that you never spotted there was a massive Buddha in the background while simultaneously claiming yourself to be spiritual. Why wouldn't that work?

To be fair to Akon, The Times' Jeremy Page suggests that this story might be more about an accident-prone children's entertainer:

The decision to bar Akon also raises concerns about the independence of the media in Sri Lanka. Maharaja [the network who played the video which caused the trouble] is one of the few large media organisations backing the Opposition before parliamentary elections on April 8.

Akon might just be an pawn in a greater game that he has no understanding of. Again.

Lady GaGa performs useful public service

The more time the poisonous Fred Phelps and his uncharitable church are protesting outside Lady GaGa gigs, the less time they'll be spending disrupting people's funerals.

What's Phelps' beef with GaGa?

Phelps describes Gaga as immoral and disagrees with her personal politics.

Let's hope it's pissing down with rain the night of the gig, eh?

Anathema anathema to Tunisians

Why you should be very carefully choosing your band name, part thirty-teen: Liverpudlian act Anathema were booked to play a big gig in front of (it says here) one thouand Tunisian fans. But they turned up to find the gig canceled.

And then they tried to arrange it again. Only for it be canceled.

It turns out the authorities believed they were Satanists:

Guitar technician Darryl Anthony wrote in his blog: “Our promoter informed us that somebody has informed the Tunisian interior ministry that Anathema are Satan worshippers who eat black cats and drink their blood.

“The ministry have requested song lyrics to peruse over the weekend in order to put their minds at rest.”

It's far from clear if it was the eating cats, or the drinking of cat's blood, which gave the Tunisian Interior Ministry most concerns. Perhaps they were especially afraid of the development of an espeically satanic cat-based black pudding which combined the most evil of two worlds.

The Liverpool Echo finds compelling evidence that they can't be Satanic:

Their lyrics, often focusing on love and loss, have never been a matter of controversy and they often play special gigs with accompaniment from friends in the Royal Liverpool Philharmonic Orchestra.

Stringed instruments. How could they be evil?

DMX hates on dogs, finds god

Let's be absolutely clear about this: DMX's plans to become a pastor once he's through with jail has nothing whatsoever to do with pretending to be pious to earn parole:

His plan after his release is to move forward with his transition to becoming a pastor. X has long talked about becoming a prominent member of a church. The rapper believes he's been put in his situation to help someone.

"I came here to meet somebody," he said. "I don't know who it is, but I came to tell them that Jesus loves them. To tell them about the glory of God."

Well, not quite, DMX. You came to the prison because you treated animals like chattels and pinched stuff. Unless God's really upped the moving in mysterious ways, of course.

Vatican forgives Lennon

Catholicism has decided it's time to forgive John Lennon for saying that The Beatles were bigger than Jesus:

Semi-official Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano has run an article forgiving the late Beatle John Lennon for a controversial statement he made in 1966, when he claimed that his band were "more popular than Jesus".
[...]
The article said that Lennon's comments had been, "Showing off, bragging by a young English working-class musician who had grown up in the age of Elvis Presley and rock and roll and had enjoyed unexpected success."

I can't claim to be a theologian, but isn't the point of Christianity meant to be that forgiveness is unquestioning and more-or-less built-in to the whole concept? Shouldn't the Pope have forgiven Lennon as soon as he uttered the words anyway? The whole turning-the-other cheek thing?

It's also a bit odd that the Vatican is trying to pass Lennon's remarks off as the hotheadeness of a working-class youth. Let's leave aside the whole 'coming from a nice middle-class part of Liverpool and going to art college' as disqualification from claims to being working class, and instead return to Lennon's words in the Evening Standard back in 1966. Whatever you might want to think he said, Lennon wasn't having a pop at Jesus, but at the established church, and his words weren't braggadocio from a young guy with eyes full of Elvis but actually quite considered. Presumably this is why it's taken over four decades for the Vatican to come up with a response: had it engaged with Lennon at the time, it would have had a hard time making a case.