Ozzy Osbourne apologises for pissing on the Alamo

Perhaps the most creative thing Ozzy has ever done in his career advertising butter substitutes and staggering around a house in perpetual confusion like some sort of highly-drugged performing bear is pissing on the Alamo.

Now, he's said sorry for doing that. Although he's not doing it through contrition, but to help promote a godawful history programme he's doing for The History Channel:

Osbourne told 'The Pulse of Radio' "Anything past World War II, I'm clueless. I'm kind of up on World War II 'cause I was born a couple of years after. So I know quite a lot about World War II and Hitler and the Nazis and all that."

"But anything from before or after I don't know anything about. So we're going to Mount Rushmore, we're going to the abandoned silos where you guys, America used to have their Minutemen missiles and all that. It's quite educational for me, actually."

This is bollocksy stuff - you don't really need to understand the history of a national monument to decide not to piss all over it. Museums and visitor attractions, it's fairly safe to assume, aren't really set up on a dual mission - there's no sign outside Mesa Verde saying "understand the Ancestral Puebloans a little better, or take a dump if you've never heard of them".

More to the point, given how wasted Osbourne was during those years, even if he'd been at an animatronic reconstruction of the Yalta Conference, it's likely he'd still have whizzed all over it, despite remembering when Nazis weren't quite history.

Osbourne has yet to apologise for I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

Black Sabbath say goodbye to farewell gig

Black Sabbath's supposed farewell gig at Ozzfest in Japan has been dropped amidst confusion about whether they were going to play their last gig there at all.

Instead of Sabbath, fans will now see Ozzy Osbourne and some different blokes. Which is pretty much the same thing.

Presumably there will be another farewell in a different place and time, but... nobody really seems to know what's going on. Probably as a tribute to Ozzy.

Black Sabbath have one last album left in them

There's going to be one last Black Sabbath album, according to Ozzy:

"So we're going to do one more album, and a final tour. Once the dust settled after the last tour we started discussing the idea, because we were getting asked about it all the time. I said to Sharon 'What's going on? Because if there's no more Sabbath I want to get on with my own thing again' and she came back and said 'Let me look into it'.

"Three weeks later I asked her about it again, and she said 'Oh, I still have to talk to so and so...' and I said 'Sharon, I ain't f**king 21 any more, if we're going to do it I want to do it before I'm 70!'

As you can tell, this will be a vital work of art which is going to happen because of the creative impetus and not, in any way, just happening because Sharon Osborne wants to see if she can get all the members in the same place at the same time, like some sort of metal equivalent of one of these:

Ozzy Osbourne isn't so daft

It's generally accepted that during the period of The Osbournes, Ozzy was further out than Stevie Smith on a boogie board. Perhaps not, though:

The Black Sabbath rocker claims he ''never watched one f****ing episode'' of his MTV reality show.

Not so stupid, then.

Church o'bigots choose Ozzy as their saviour

Good to hear Ozzy Osbourne issuing a quick slapdown to the Westboro Baptist "Church" for them using his Crazy Train as part of their grinding campaign against basic decency.

The big question, though, is why the church was using the song in the first place. A screamingly right-wing high-holy church with The Prince Of Darkness in their record collection? Somebody's not going to heaven...

Ozzy's Obourne's daughter not happy at being thought of as Ozzy Osbourne's daughter

Kelly Osbourne, the daughter of Ozzy Osbourne, really hates being thought of as 'Ozzy Osbourne's daughter':

She explained: "I think for me it's just about not being classified as a 'celeb daughter'. A lot of them make me sick - so many of them walk around with such a bratty sense of entitlement, and then people start thinking that all celebrity children are like that.

"So I hate being lumped in with that crowd of girls."

Kelly is much more than just the daughter of Ozzy. She's also the daughter of Sharon, of course. And sister of the son of Ozzy Osbourne too.

And she's done all that stuff in her own right, too, yes? You know, that record she recorded with her Dad. And that variety show she did with her dad and her mum. And... well, all the other things she's achieved.

"When you're in this position, it's easy to be lazy and live off your parents, but it makes it hard for me to do something with my life, because I'm judged whatever I do.

"Anytime I achieve anything on my own, people will automatically assume it's because of my parents."

That's not true, Kelly. Let us know when you achieve something on your own, and we'll be happy to share your joy.

Metal Hammer ratchet up price for Ozzy special

Metal Hammer is hoping to repeat the trick it managed with its Slash special back in April by lobbing out an Ozzy special for a healthy premium price.

The Slash one cost fifteen quid - in effect, it was an album that came with a free magazine - but the Ozzy issue is only going to be eight pounds; for that you get a "music download card".

What's interesting is the quote from Future's Chris Langham. Not that Chris Langham:

"I don't subscribe to the free music model, I don't think it sits very easily with hardcore rock fans," he said. "If people want to steal music online, they will. But there is a hard core group that want products they can touch and they are willing to pay for it."

Perhaps he was speaking in, I don't know, Greek and something got lost in translation? There's the suggestion that somehow liking Black Sabbath means you wouldn't support the idea of music being delivered without having to pay for it is confusing - presumably Kerrang Radio listeners send a cheque off whenever they hear a track?

Then the sudden leap that 'stealing music' is the opposite of having a physical product - what does that mean? That people who buy downloads online are somehow still stealing because they don't have a plastic box? He surely can't mean that? Does he not understand that online music sales are a large market, and there are people who don't want plastic records who also think that artists should get paid?

And, if there is a hardcore of an audience who want something physical, erm, why are you giving away a download card with the Ozzy pack?

The special issue is interesting in its own right, but why try and launch it by suggesting it has something to do with unlicensed filesharing? If anything, isn't this more about people not being as interested in having a physical magazine and finding ways to engage them?

Ozzy hated The Osbournes. He is just like us after all.

Who would have guessed? Ozzy never really wanted to be cast as a clown in a reality show, and it was all Sharon's idea:

"You know what? That TV celebrity that I became, I f**king didn't like it," he said. "Sharon loves flying around the world and being a TV star. I don't. I can't stand it, because my heart is in music.

"I hated every second of it. She kept pushing me into this f**king stuff. I said, 'I tell you what, Sharon, don't even f**ing ask me, don't even go there with me in future, because I don't want to know'."

This will come as something as a surprise to anyone who saw the programme, as it didn't appear that Ozzy even knew people were making a TV show in his house, much less that he was experiencing any emotion as a result.

The interview, with Metal Hammer, doesn't quite explain why he did the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter adverts.

Some things are best kept behind a paywall

Or, perhaps, behind a wall with no way of making it through at all. Ozzy Osbourne is offering medical advice to paying readers of The Sunday Times.

Ozzy: Former dark rock lords do the funniest things

If you're wondering what happened to Jeremy Beadle's soul, it appears that it jumped into Ozzy Osbourne:



Well, it's more amusing than those adverts he did with John Culshaw, I suppose.

Having seen the real Ozzy in the wax museum, tourists still complained that he didn't really look that lifelike.

[Thanks to Michael M]

Ozzy Osbourne: prepare yourself for a shock

This may prove a little hard to believe, but it seems Ozzy Osbourne might not have been totally in the room when they made The Osbournes:

Rock legend Ozzy Osbourne has confessed he refuses to watch his family's hit reality TV show, The Osbournes - because he was stoned or drunk every day of filming.

The Black Sabbath frontman, 60, said: "Every shot, I can tell you what time of day it was by the way my body language was.

At the end of the day I'd go in my bunker and smoke."

I know, I know... it's hard to believe, isn't it? And yet he hid it so well.

Even Ozzy has his doubts about the new Osbourne Variety Show

If Ozzy is able to spot through the fug that the Osbournes Reloaded is uncomfortable to watch, what hope for America as a whole?

Ozzy mumbles:

The show will include a variety of skits and pranks, including one sketch where Ozzy serves customers at the drive-through window of a fast food restaurant. But Ozzy confessed he was less than enamored with the segment, saying, "Not to my liking, to be honest with you. I didn't get involved in the entertainment business to do fast food restaurants. These people really work . . . I come from a working class background. I've never forgotten that. I've done my share of destroying hotel rooms and all of that stuff. It makes me realize they're still out there and they're still doing them jobs."

Okay, it's not especially coherent, but it's like a dim light shining somewhere that Sharon would be in trouble if the little people decided they weren't going to be butts of half-assed gags any more.

Seriously, though, Ozzy: when did you ever think you were getting into "the entertainment business"?

2009 festival cull: Ozzfest

Ozzfest? Cancelled? Why, yes, but not because of the financial situation, oh no. Ozzy's busy working on his new album.

He's lost the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter gig, too. Times must be hard.

The Sun pays out to Sharon Osbourne

Although it's easy to forget, Sharon Osbourne is just flesh and blood and as capable of being mortified or embarrassed as the rest of us. As, indeed, she was when the Sun ran a story claiming she was working Ozzy to death:

Osbourne's solicitor, John Kelly, told Justice David Eady that the article alleged that former X Factor judge, who has been married to Ozzy for 26 years, was putting her husband's life at risk by forcing him to perform a series of live shows when he was not well enough, and that her motivation for doing so was to fund her "exorbitant spending".

"The article wrongly alleged that the claimant was 'driving her frail husband Ozzy Osbourne to destruction', was working him 'so hard she will kill him' and that 'Sharon will keep Ozzy on the road until, like Tommy Cooper, he dies on stage'," Kelly told the high court.

"These allegations are entirely without foundation and were obviously extremely distressing, hurtful and damaging for the claimant. The claimant's distress was increased as a result of the claims in the article being made by the claimant's estranged brother David Arden, and tagged with the words 'Chilling warning from brother of X Factor Sharon'.

The article was originally credited to Grant Rollings. News International are to pay "substantial" damages.

Let's not use phrases like 'whoring themselves out'

After the terrible I Can't Believe It's Not Butter slot, and Sharon's bingo slot, you might have thought The Osbournes would have realised their value to advertisers wasn't as a high-end, blue chip spokespeople and withdrawn from the field with what little of their dignity they can still lay claim to.

However, even pitching margarine and gin-sodden gambling puts cash into pockets, and so perhaps its no surprise that the entire family have signed up with an agency to seek out more opportunities:

John Ferriter, executive vice-president and head of non-scripted television at William Morris, said: "The Osbournes are international stars and have become a part of today's entertainment culture. We look forward to exploring opportunities that will capitalise on the family's global appeal and will follow the production of their new show."

Global appeal, huh? Yeah, Kelly Osbourne is the toast of Mogadishu.

Osbourne's variety show already unravelling

The cat-giving-birth-to-snakes event that is the planned Osbournes US TV variety show is starting to suffer from spasms as bad as those induced in observers by the very idea.

The Writers Guild Of America has instructed members to not deliver any scripts for the programme, claiming that the producers Freemantle are trying to underpay.

Mind you, why would you bother paying a decent writer a decent wage to write words that are just going to end up being mangled by Ozzy or Kelly anyway? Freemantle might as well just buy a box of flashcards, shuffle them up and use those as prompts.

Ozzy plans two more albums

Ozzy Osbourne - who played the husband in The Ker-azzy World of Sharon Osbourne - has announced plans to record two more albums in his home studio:

“I am recording another album soon. I've got a Pro Tools machine downstairs in my house now, which I record from home now. I can't turn the fucking thing on.. It's like the brain of the house,” he said.

I'm not sure how the sessions are going, but am given to understand that visitors to his house reported him singing into a Wii Remote balanced on top of a compact Dyson.

Can someone give Kelly Osbourne Hans Moretti's phone number?

For reasons we can't quite fathom - and we've tried, believe me - Fox is preparing a variety show hosted by The Osbournes.

Yes, the whole gang is on board:

Mr. Osbourne, wife Sharon and offspring Jack and Kelly all will participate in the show, which will resemble modern-day European variety shows that mix elements of competition, stunts and performances. One person familiar with the pitch compared it to a combination of the popular Spanish-language series "Sabado Gigante," "Saturday Night Takeaway" and the German game-show format "Wetten, dass?" (Wanna Bet?).

[Fox's Mike] Darnell said he had been trying to find a way to revive the variety format for several years. He even developed a U.S. version of "Saturday Night Takeaway."

"But I always veered away from it because it was missing something, which turned out to be the right front people," he said. "I realized that with the right hosts, you can make it work."

We're guessing that Darnell somehow missed Sharon's chat shows on both sides of the Atlantic and what happened when Team Osbourne attempted to present the Brits; either that, or his faith in Ozzy being the sort of "right host" that can "make it work" is so touching as to veer into the downright religious.

It all smacks a little of that segment on the Simpsons' pilot show where the family turn up in dungarees doing a song-and-dance show, with a replacement Lisa. Or a cruel parody of Hear'Say It's Saturday.

Why would you need to make things up?

Given that the Osbourne's performance on this year's Brit awards was one of the most cheek-squishingly awful TV hosting exercises since Harold Wilson tried his hand at chartshows, it's incredible that the Daily Star felt the need to publish made-up stories about it. Their inventiveness has landed them in libel courts, and writing cheques out to Ozzy. They're giving the money to charity.

Mind you:

[Osbourne's solicitor, John] Kelly told the court the allegations were serious given that Osbourne had just completed a concert tour and he had "suffered considerable embarrassment and distress as a result of it".

Perhaps it was embarrassing, but given the level of embarrassment the programme itself generated ("PAUL MCCARTNEY... oh, no yet") it's hard to see how it could have been made any more distressing.

Even more darkness at 3AM: Which awards did they go to?

We're surprised to read on the 3AM website how well the Osbourne's performance went off last night:

We were expecting four-letter outbursts and presenting skills worthy of Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood's Brits nightmare.

But Ozzie and Sharon Osbourne's performance was worthy of a Brit in itself.

Drafting in Kelly and Jack to help them with the proceedings, it was a blunder-free and faultless display.

Helped by slick scripts and even slicker autocue, there wasn't a fluffed line in sight. The highlights included Sharon leaving daughter Kelly speechless by introducing fat DJ Chris Moyles as "my future son-in-law".

She then drew an equally pained expression from hubby Ozzie when introducing Jonathan Rhys-Meyers as "a man who is so gorgeous he needs a good licking, and I think I'm the woman to do it."

Be scared, Jonathan, very scared...

Yes, not only do they keep mis-spelling Ozzy's name throughout the piece, but they somehow have managed to miss all the fluffed lines, Ozzy introducing Paul McCartney about five minutes too early, that odd bit where Sharon screwed up and Kelly filled with a panicky 'ho-ho, we're all having fun' laugh... it's almost as if they filed the story just after the event had begun, isn't it?