Let's not use phrases like 'whoring themselves out'

After the terrible I Can't Believe It's Not Butter slot, and Sharon's bingo slot, you might have thought The Osbournes would have realised their value to advertisers wasn't as a high-end, blue chip spokespeople and withdrawn from the field with what little of their dignity they can still lay claim to.

However, even pitching margarine and gin-sodden gambling puts cash into pockets, and so perhaps its no surprise that the entire family have signed up with an agency to seek out more opportunities:

John Ferriter, executive vice-president and head of non-scripted television at William Morris, said: "The Osbournes are international stars and have become a part of today's entertainment culture. We look forward to exploring opportunities that will capitalise on the family's global appeal and will follow the production of their new show."

Global appeal, huh? Yeah, Kelly Osbourne is the toast of Mogadishu.

Can someone give Kelly Osbourne Hans Moretti's phone number?

For reasons we can't quite fathom - and we've tried, believe me - Fox is preparing a variety show hosted by The Osbournes.

Yes, the whole gang is on board:

Mr. Osbourne, wife Sharon and offspring Jack and Kelly all will participate in the show, which will resemble modern-day European variety shows that mix elements of competition, stunts and performances. One person familiar with the pitch compared it to a combination of the popular Spanish-language series "Sabado Gigante," "Saturday Night Takeaway" and the German game-show format "Wetten, dass?" (Wanna Bet?).

[Fox's Mike] Darnell said he had been trying to find a way to revive the variety format for several years. He even developed a U.S. version of "Saturday Night Takeaway."

"But I always veered away from it because it was missing something, which turned out to be the right front people," he said. "I realized that with the right hosts, you can make it work."

We're guessing that Darnell somehow missed Sharon's chat shows on both sides of the Atlantic and what happened when Team Osbourne attempted to present the Brits; either that, or his faith in Ozzy being the sort of "right host" that can "make it work" is so touching as to veer into the downright religious.

It all smacks a little of that segment on the Simpsons' pilot show where the family turn up in dungarees doing a song-and-dance show, with a replacement Lisa. Or a cruel parody of Hear'Say It's Saturday.

Osbourne v Love

If you draw a venn diagram of Sharon Osbourne's feuds, and one of Courtney Love's feuds, at the intersection point, you'd discover the long-running battle of 'who was responsible for Jack Osbourne's drugs problems'?

It might now be down to men in wigs to pick the bones out of that one:

[Osbourne says]: "It’s an ugly situation. It’s got to the point where it’s now in legal hands so we can’t talk about it."

Oh, for a day when all Osbourne and Love's affairs were in legal hands and they couldn't talk about anything in public.

[Thanks to James P for the link]

Who's Courtney fighting today?

We're opening the September 24th window on the Courtney Love 2007 fight calendar, and find TV's Antony Cotton. He's just there replacing Sharon Osbourne, of course.

For it is Sharon who has got Courtney's back up - Sharon claimed that Coutney introduced Jack Osbourne to OxyCotin:

“My dislike towards her (Love) is very personal.

“I’m not saying Jack wouldn’t have taken it if she hadn’t given it to him, but I’m appalled an adult mother would give that to a 15-year-old boy.”

Presumably it would have been okay for a child mother to give drugs to a teenager. We love the idea that Jack Osbourne had lived a life sheltered from drugs until Courtney turned up.

Of course, Love denies it all:

I never did that. I would never give drugs to a teenager. Fuck you Sharon – as if I would ever give drugs to a teenager.”

Osbourne and Love screeching at each other. It's like Macaws in a firestorm.

Newton meets the Osbournes

A room with Sharon Osbourne and Victoria Newton in it? Doesn't that thretaen to open a black hole in the universe or something?

Still, Newton believes she got a big exclusive out of it:

'Jack had sex with Paris Hilton'

You'll note the quote marks. But surely even Sharon isn't so desperate for the spotlight that she'd start waving her kid's used condoms above her head?

To be fair, no. In fact, nobody said that Jack Osbourne had had sex with anyone:

Ozzy said: “Paris was always hanging around our house. I’m not sure if she was a friend of KELLY or AMY — which one was it, Sharon?”

Sharon looked a bit sheepish and stumbled over her words as she replied: “She was Jack’s, erm, friend.” Ozzy’s jaw dropped and he exclaimed: “He didn’t shag her, did he? Well done, my son!”

Newton, of course, thinks this is good enough to stack up the headline, quotes and all, and also offers her on-the-spot analysis of this bombshell:

I take my hat off to Jack. He’s got a bit of personality but pulling Paris is punching above his weight.

Two not-especially-attractive people famous for being children of someone famous? Surely that's a perfect pairing?

Still, we love the idea that Sharon will discover that, having granted the Sun an exclusive interview, she and Ozzy were deemed so dull the story was hung on a throwaway suggestion that the presenter of a programme about bungee-jumping on ITV2 might have possibly had sex with a drunk driver.

She is dull, though:

Sharon is also looking for a house in London near to X Factor boss SIMON COWELL in leafy Holland Park.

She said: “It gets tiring travelling when we’re filming the show. Our house in the country isn’t that far away but with the traffic it can sometimes mean spending four hours a day in the car.”

Yes, but it's not like you're driving, is it? Besides, if being on the M1 is such a trauma, why not take the train instead, and do us all a favour?