Newton meets the Osbournes

A room with Sharon Osbourne and Victoria Newton in it? Doesn't that thretaen to open a black hole in the universe or something?

Still, Newton believes she got a big exclusive out of it:

'Jack had sex with Paris Hilton'

You'll note the quote marks. But surely even Sharon isn't so desperate for the spotlight that she'd start waving her kid's used condoms above her head?

To be fair, no. In fact, nobody said that Jack Osbourne had had sex with anyone:

Ozzy said: “Paris was always hanging around our house. I’m not sure if she was a friend of KELLY or AMY — which one was it, Sharon?”

Sharon looked a bit sheepish and stumbled over her words as she replied: “She was Jack’s, erm, friend.” Ozzy’s jaw dropped and he exclaimed: “He didn’t shag her, did he? Well done, my son!”

Newton, of course, thinks this is good enough to stack up the headline, quotes and all, and also offers her on-the-spot analysis of this bombshell:

I take my hat off to Jack. He’s got a bit of personality but pulling Paris is punching above his weight.

Two not-especially-attractive people famous for being children of someone famous? Surely that's a perfect pairing?

Still, we love the idea that Sharon will discover that, having granted the Sun an exclusive interview, she and Ozzy were deemed so dull the story was hung on a throwaway suggestion that the presenter of a programme about bungee-jumping on ITV2 might have possibly had sex with a drunk driver.

She is dull, though:

Sharon is also looking for a house in London near to X Factor boss SIMON COWELL in leafy Holland Park.

She said: “It gets tiring travelling when we’re filming the show. Our house in the country isn’t that far away but with the traffic it can sometimes mean spending four hours a day in the car.”

Yes, but it's not like you're driving, is it? Besides, if being on the M1 is such a trauma, why not take the train instead, and do us all a favour?