That nice Gary Barlow has all our money

Ah, Gary Barlow. Isn't he lovely? Isn't he a lovely, lovely man? Isn't he just lovely, lovely, willing to help everyone?

Except when he, Howard Donald, Mark Owen and That manager Jonathan Wild are avoiding £20million worth of tax.

But he's lovely, isn't he?

In the past he has been praised for raising millions for charity in the UK.

Barlow’s fundraising efforts for BBC Children in Need included concerts with star names playing for free. In 2013 they raised over £1.7 million and were described by the BBC as “amazing”.

You see? He's lovely. Happy to help society by getting other people to give their money to try and patch up the holes created by people like him failing to fulfil their responsibilities. He's not a monster.

Lovely, lovely, Gary Barlow OBE.

Jason Orange hasn't avoided tax, although HMRC report that Gary Barlow's insistence that Orange is paid solely in mangelwurzels and turnips has always made it difficult to fix a rate at which he should be charged. Tax records show in 2012/13, Orange received a small tax refund in the form of three parsnips.

Gordon in the morning: Mark Owen gets the electricians in

Apparently, Mark Owen is taking a new direction for his solo career. Gordon insists it will "surprise" fans.

Really? It's not just that he's looked around, found out what sells and is going to try and pour himself into an uncomfortable modish mould, is it?

A source said: “Mark’s excited about his new sound, it has a modern edge. People might not even think it’s him."

Ah, yes, "a source" - but don't worry, we know Gordon will have diligently worked behind the scenes to make sure this secret source was correct and not just made up a quote to fit the story.

You might wonder what value there is in a man whose main selling point is who he is making a record that people won't know it's him (he's working with Starsmith, by the way).

But then it turns out his main selling point isn't who he is, says "the source":

“His label are keen to get the stuff out – especially as Gary being on X Factor will shift the focus back on Take That.”

Good god, that's grim: "Mark, one of the people you work with is going to be on television; we really need to rush out a song in which you sound like Ellie Goulding to take advantage of that."

Still, Gordon's excited, as he sniffs a hint of one of his beloved chart battles:

With Robbie Williams working on solo material, too, there could be a TT chart battle.

So, that's a chart battle being predicted although at the moment, there's no release dates, not even a hint of anything near ready for release.

Both singers are expecting nippers so might not strike up a cash wager.

Maybe the winner could take ownership of a game of Hungry Hippos.

What? Is that a barbed comment about the pair of them putting on weight? Or is it just as random as it sounds?

Gordon in the morning: Take That at the airport

It happens a lot in airports, and the more you travel, the more likely is that it'll happen to you, sooner or later. An immigration officer thinks there's something odd about your paperwork, and gives you a bit of a closer questioning.

That's all that seems to have happened to Howard Donald and Mark Owen when LA immigration sought confirmation that the pair were there for leisure and not work.

To The Sun, though, this is:

Take That stars in US customs shock

Apart from this not being a shock, how shoddy is reporting that doesn't know the difference between customs and immigration? Clearly, this piece must have been filed by some greenhorn reporters who aren't that worldly.

By PETE SAMSON, US Editor, and GORDON SMART, Showbiz Editor

Yes, it turns out that Pete and Gordon have collaborated on this. There's nothing in the story at all - just an everyday, but irritating, occurrence. It's like running a story about there not being any chocolate powder when someone tries to buy a cappuccino.

I wonder what Gordon actually contributed to this story to get a joint by-line? My guess is this bit:

Bandmates GARY BARLOW and JASON ORANGE, both 40, were not on the trip.

Also not on the plane: Lulu; any of Westlife; ex-King Constantine of Greece. The passenger manifest can confirm this.

Gordon in the morning: This isn't about Mark Owen

According to, erm, something Gordon read in Q, Mark Owen is worried that people might think one of the new Take That songs is about the time he cheated on his wife. But it isn't.

It was written before Owen went gardening on a neighbouring allotment square, and has a full band credit.

So it clearly isn't.

Things have got so bad, then, that The Sun is lifting other publications' not-actually-stories.

For Gordon, this is a point where

Mark wrestles his conscience

It might have been a bit better if Mark Owen had thought before doing backflips for other people 'this might look bad', but I guess we should be thankful that his conscience has finally flipped on, albeit rather late.

In other news - or non-news - heartbreaking reports of trouble at the Brand-Perry wedding planners:

A source close to the pair said: "They had been trying to arrange a 3D tiger safari for guests as an extra-special treat, but it looks like this won't happen now."

I know, I know. It's hard to carry on knowing the extra-special 3D tiger treat won't happen, but we must somehow steel ourselves and try.

Owen meanies: Mark Owen asks if he's being sorry enough

This morning's reports about Mark Owen's human failings leave a nasty taste in the mouth, with the "confession" in the Sun having all the hallmarks of a vaguely famous person reluctantly washing their dirty laundry in public to head off the paper from parading the skidded knickers for all to see.

"I have been living with the guilt. It has always been there - you carry it around with you," he said.

"It held me back in my relationship with Emma. I wouldn't have done any of this if I had my time again.

"I am halfway through my life now and this, in a way, is a lesson. You've got to learn and that's what I am going to do."

It's not entirely clear what the lesson is - although 'if you want to sound heartfelt, don't let your press office draft your apologies' might be a good one - but at least the story seeped out in a controlled way. You know, the way BNFL used to control the radioactive water they'd pump into the Irish Sea.

Over at the Mirror, without the actual apology to run with, the 3AMies fall back on listing

Mark Owen, Tiger Woods, Vanessa Hudgens and the top 10 not so squeaky clean stars

Top of the list is Britney Spears for, erm, being mentally ill. Classy, 3AM Girls. Classy.

Gordon in the morning: Mercury rising

Yesterday, readers of Gordon's column were sent to the bookies almost certain of a Mercury win for Florence And The Machine, mainly - admittedly - on the strength of 'giving Gordon an excuse to print a sexy picture':

FLORENCE WELCH is the front-runner to scoop glory at tonight's Mercury Music Awards.

And if she does bag the 20 grand prize for 2009's best album, I suspect that by the end of the evening she could be pulling a similar pose to this - crawling around London's Grosvenor House Hotel.

So, this morning Sun readers must be... apparently not at all surprised at the outcome:

The Sun's Something For The Weekend section said last week that Speech was the "most deserving" nominee.

Still, regardless of Speech's win, Gordon knows where the moral victory is, and marks the occasion with a large, sexy photo of Florence Welch in a short leather skirt.

Elsewhere, Yoko Ono popped up at the GQ "man of the year" awards. You can calibrate how well-judged these prizes are by considering that they believe Guy Ritchie to be filmmaker of the year and George Osbourne to be politician of the year (a view which even David Cameron would double-take.) Yoko's appearance was yet another part of the grinding publicity for the Beatles Game ("was quite a coup for the magazine publishers"), but she ended up being asked to talk about Take That:

Beaming Yoko said: "I love Shine. I know most of their greatest hits. They're a great British band."

It might sound like faint praise to you, but she didn't have to write any of the names on her hand, and she didn't go "that one from the adverts with Alan Hansen in - that's one of theirs, isn't it?"

Gordon, though, senses high praise:

And the feeling's mutual.

Mark said: "It's amazing that Yoko thinks that about our music. It is an honour to accept an award from her."

"I quite like some of their greatest hits" and "it's nice that Yoko quite likes our greatest hits". Mutual love-in, isn't it?

By the time this has been processed for an article teaser, it comes out as this:

Yoko Ono: TT are new Fab 4

JOHN Lennon’s widow is a big fan of the man band – naming Shine as her favourite track

Or at least the one that somebody whispered in her ear before she went on stage.

Daily Mail reminded to think of the children

You'll recall the Daily Mail doesn't run paparazzi photos any more. Not since the death of Diana, when their team decided that it was beneath the title to pay people to poke long lens into people's affairs.

Mail leads the way in banning paparazzi pictures

That was the headline.

Oddly, though, one or two such pictures do sometimes slip in. Like recent photos of Take That's kids.

Not only was this a breach of the Mail's pledge to the memory of the late Diana, but also contravened the rules of the Press Complaints Commission. Oh, and the Universal Declaration on Human Rights. Two breaches, strictly speaking, as they ran photos of Gary Barlow's kids and Mark Owen's as well.

The result has been a stiff legal letter emailed to Paul Dacre and his Sunday equivalent Peter Wright, asking the paper to perhaps think about obeying the law and not running photos of kids without any reason.

In a lovely bit of attention to detail, the Take That solicitors point out that for some reason the paper had elected to pixelate out the faces of Mark Owen's kids, but not those of Gary Barlow's.

Happily, the solicitor's intervention seems to have reminded the Daily Mail of its obligations under the law and as a member of the Press Complaints Commission, and the offending pages have been replaced with a 404 error.

All's well that ends well, eh? And certainly it's unlikely the Mail will make the mistake of publising pictures of kids just because their parents are well known, that's for sure.

Oh... hang on... what's this?:

Melanie Brown's daughter, 2, shows off some zig-a-zig-hair with new Mohican crop

By Chris Johnson
Last updated at 4:19 PM on 23rd July 2009

She may be only a tender two years old.

But that certainly does not bar Melanie Brown's younger daughter Angel Iris from making a style statement.

Quite what mothers of similar aged toddlers will make of the eye-catching Mohican - which clearly involved an early introduction to the razor - is another matter.

Well, I guess the photos from the Splash agency only show the back of the two year old child's head. And, presumably, the Mail believes that the question of how a child's hair cut is a matter of serious public debate. Because how dare someone who was in the Spice Girls decide on her kid's hairstyle? Doesn't she think how it will look when the Mail puts a long lens photo onto its website?

Gordon in the morning: Placing bets on Mark Owen's solo career

Gordon this morning reports - complete with a confusing graphic - on Mark Owen's plans for a fourth solo album. A seasoned celebrity watcher like Gordon, of course, will have no problem predicting what will happen next:

History isn’t on Mark’s side but I have a sneaky suspicion he might just do it.

To be fair, that's only a slightly hedged bet.

Gordon applauds Owen's taste in music:

Mark also has impeccable music taste. PRIMAL SCREAM, STONE ROSES, OASIS, THE VERVE and a lot of small indie and rock acts are what he listens to when he’s not making grown women scream.

Smart doesn't say what songs he plays during those secret basement experiment sessions... oh, hang on. I see what he means.

It's funny, isn't it, these moments when Gordon reveals that he doesn't think much of most of the people he writes about, hankering after what he believes to be "proper" music... oh, why can't Lindsay Lohan date one of Kasabian, at the very least?

Mark Owen pulls a bloke's leg

Mark Owen made some sport when he bumped into a chap at a party and claimed he was Tom Cruise's stunt double. Victoria Newton enjoys the joke too - fancy someone being so dim as to fall for that. And where did this happen, Victoria?

Mark tried to dupe the dopey guest at a party on Tuesday celebrating 50 years of cinema. It was hosted by electronics firm Pioneer.

Fifty years of cinema, eh? Quite an achievement, that. But... what were people watching in those big rooms before 1957, Ms Newton?

What is Victoria Newton looking for?

Victoria Newton is off on a search, oh yes. She's offering a chance to be Mark Owen for a week to a lucky fan who doesn't mind appearing in a Take That musical from which the band have withdrawn their support. So, obviously you wouldn't be that much of a fan.

And what a brilliant musical it's going to be if they're happy to have one the key members of the line-up chosen as part of a newspaper competition for a week. Say what you like about We Will Rock You, but at least they've never cast the Killer Queen by asking a winner of Daily Star Twingo Bingo to take the stage.

[Victoria Newton picture borrowed from MediaGuardian's coverage of The Sun's trip to a caravan park, the better to understand their readers]

Take That in cash for honours scandal

Take That have admitted they're buying their Brit awards from the music prize organisers.

Well, replacement statues, anyway; the band are having to pay to get new ones made after they lost the original ones. Mark Owen explains:

"What we have had to do for all of us to have one is to get one each made which we've ordered from The Brits.

"We'll have to pay for it. We've won four in the past and I don't know where they went. The lads say they haven't got one so perhaps Robbie has four of ours sat in his house."

This award means a lot, says Mark, as he won it with dignity:

"Patience winning a Brit was fantastic and a proudmoment. People seem to like the songs this time around. I'm not sure in the old days if it was just about five guys with their clothes off in a magazine.

"The response to the songs has been really positive. I'm proud of that. We haven't had to get our bums out yet but there's always that old chestnut if we need it."

Actually, Mark, you know, if you wanted to, for old time's sake, I'm sur enobody would mind. (You keep your pants on, though, Barlow. There's a line, for god's sake.)

Owen then explains how they agonised over if they should have performed at the Brits or not - contradicting Gary Barlow's more eye-rolling dismissal of Williams' rehab as a publicity stunt:

"It was a hard one because when I first heard he'd gone into rehab I thought we maybe shouldn't go to the Brits.

"But then I felt that Robbie would have been more upset if we didn't go. He's pleased for us. He has said 'well done' on numerous occasions. Cancelling wouldn't have been the right thing because it feels like Rob's involved in the band. It's just a shame he couldn't be there with us.

"Before the last tour we talked to Robbie about whether we should do it and he told us to go for it.

"He has been kept informed of everything we've done along the way so it feels like he is here with us really."

"It's far more serious what Rob is going through," Mark said. "Emotions and feelings aren't something you can play around with. You can't say it's my birthday and they are going to win a Brit so I'll go into rehab.

"I don't think he'd do that. Robbie felt it was something he needed to do. We wish him the best. I haven't spoken to him since he went in but we are there for him."

It's true that you can't time a breakdown to fit in with the awards. But you can plan a holiday.

Take That and a massive party: Owen to wed

Congratulations to Mark Owen, who besides shuffling a portfolio as one of the nicest men in pop and building the Take That reunion into something akin to the glorious second revolution is now going to add husband to his duties: he's going to marry Emma Ferguson.

Robbie Williams is not without his supporters

After they failed to even mumble a "get well soon, Robbie" at the Brit awards, some people suggested that maybe Take That were some sort of evil, uncaring bastards who spend their evenings laughing at the plight of poor Robbie.

The next day, Jason Orange stepped in to explain why they kept quiet onstage:

"We didn't thank Robbie because it is about his private situation. It's not for us to comment. He's going through a personal problem and we wish him the best - we love him."

It turns out, though, that a private situation means "one which can be freely discussed in the pages of Reveal magazine", as Mark and Howard have given an interview commenting on Robbie's medical treatment:

Mark Owen said: "I'm so worried about him. I'm gutted and devastated things have ended up like this. I think he should come back to the UK."

And fellow pop star Howard Donald said in the interview with Reveal magazine: "I've been calling him loads.

"I'm upset some people think it's our success that's made him depressed."

Mark's depressed; Howard's depressed. It's one long circle of misery, isn't it? Clearly, Take That's bounce into having to talk to the press about how they're, whatever, upset about thingy they used to work with being in some sort of hospital is a postmodern joke based on the film about The Queen, and how she was forced to pretend that she was really sad that her husband had killed her former daughter-in-law, or whatever conspiracy about Diana we're meant to be believing this week.

Owen's also upset at some of the jokes being made at Robbie's expense:

Owen also said comments about Williams at the Brits from host Russell Brand and Oasis star Noel Gallagher were uncalled for.

"I felt bad at the Brits because there were some jokes said about Robbie that made it look like he was being mocked," he told the magazine.

It didn't just look like it, Mark. Pretty much, yeah, he was being mocked.

Your franchise is bust

Is it right that the ten days of poke the semi-famous with a stick that was Celebrity Big Brother (not that we're not complaining about anything that brings us huge slabs of the anti-Williams Mark Owen, mind) raised less for charity than the four episodes of celeb Bargain Hunt?