Take That split, a bit

It's turned out that Jason Orange is leaving Take That, the tax-avoidance scheme created by Gary Barlow and some accountants.

Orange issued a statement earlier today revealing that he found out he didn't really exist, and that he was created by Barlow "in order to claim child benefit. In light of this discovery, I must leave the band."

Talking to the media, Barlow was effusive in his farewell to Orange, praising what he'd brought to the band - "without Jeremy... Jason, Jason, we'd have... uh... oh, yeah, when we did that advert for Marks And Spencers, we'd not have been able to show off quite so many suits at the same time. And... well, we'd not have been able to call our album The Eight Legged Groove Machine. Although that wasn't us. But if it had have been, that wouldn't have been possible without James. Jeremy. Jason." Barlow concluded the statement by getting all present to sign a form allowing him to recoup the cost of providing Luncheon Vouchers for all of them.

Here's the actual statements:

‘I want to start by saying how proud I am of what we have achieved together over the years. However, at a band meeting last week I confirmed to Mark, Gary and Howard that I do not wish to commit to recording and promoting a new album. I have spent some of the best years of my life with Take That and I’d like to thank everyone who has been a part of my journey, including my band mates, who I feel are like brothers to me. Most especially my gratitude goes to all of the good and kind, beautiful and ever-loyal fans of the band, without whom none of this could have been possible.Thank you.’

‘At the end of The Progress Tour I began to question whether it might be the right time for me to not continue on with Take That. At the start of this year and with my full knowledge and blessing the guys began writing new material. There have been no fallings out, only a decision on my part that I no longer wish to do this. I know how much Mark, Gary and Howard enjoy writing and making music, and they know that they have my full support and encouragement to continue on with what is to be another chapter for the band.’ - Jason Orange

‘This is a sad day for us. Jason leaving is a huge loss both professionally and even more so personally. We first became aware of Jason’s reservations a couple of years ago but had hoped that by giving him the desired time and space he may begin to feel differently. This has not been the case and we now have to accept and fully respect his decision which we know hasn’t been an easy one. Jason’s energy and belief in what this band could achieve has made it what it is today, and we’ll forever be grateful for his enthusiasm, dedication and inspiration over the years.’ - Mark, Gary and Howard

Before popping that in the fax machine, Gary rang Mark and asked "are we sure that we've got the right one who's going, and it's not meant to be Jason commenting on Howard's departure?"

Gordon in the morning: Echo or Narcissus?

Gordon finds room to bring Leigh Holmwood's piece on the Catherine Tate-Jason Orange romance:

JASON Orange fell for Catherine Tate the moment she made him laugh dressed up as him in a spoof Take That video

It's a lovely story, and I hope they're very happy. But... "you know what? When you dressed up like me, I realised you were everything I was looking for" is a bit disturbing, isn't it? It's only one step away from dry-humping a mirror.

Cooking with Orange and apples

Esther Walker, who is sort-of Sue Perkins but in real life, has got a recipe blog where she serves up some tasty cookery with a slice of yarn.

Her apple and raspberry crumble recipe comes with a story about dating Jason Orange. The full thing is worth your time, certainly, but the original meeting is quite special. She was working at The Week:

"Hello," I said, wondering if he was lost.
"Hi, are you The Week?" he said.
"Yes we are," I said.
"I was wondering... can I have a look at one of your magazines? Only... I've heard good things about it but can't find it in any of the shops."
"Oh yeah," I said. "It's mostly subscription only. Come in and wait for a sec and I'll get you some copies."

This was during what Esther calls the "toxic dodo" years for Take That. It's more than likely Jason was bumming the magazines to keep him warm on the park bench at night.

[Thanks to Michael M]

Gordon in the morning: A half-cooked takeaway

We're firmly back in the era when anything Take That does is treated like it's part of the run-up to the That/Gurner redocking. Even when they've not really done anything, like Jason Orange's 40th birthday party.

Guy Patrick is dispatched from Team Gordon to cover the celebrations, which were fitting for a man entering middle-age. Actually, they were fitting for a man about to enter sheltered accommodation, but Patrick does his best:

Bandmate HOWARD DONALD, 42, arrived at around 6pm carrying a spare set of clothes - and the rest of the lads were due to arrive later.

Man staying overnight in hotel turns up with suitcase. Possibility of the ones that people care about turning up later on.

Last night a source close to the star said: "Jason and Justin are up for a mad one.

"Everybody's wondering whether there will be 40 or 80 candles!"

Why would there be 80 candles? Am I missing something? Does Orange age twice as fast as ordinary people? Has he been lying about his age? Or is the idea of twice-as-many-candles just an indication of how KER-AZZZY things might get?

One odd thing, though - Patrick clearly is writing before much has happened - Barlow and Owen haven't turned up, the food is going to be this and that, people are up for it being 'mad'. And yet:

Even No Regrets by ROBBIE WILLIAMS was played - in a tribute to the singer who is rejoining the band for a tour and new album.

That's written in the past tense. Curious.

Gallagher: When you're in love with a beautiful woman, you gotta watch your friends

In what seems to be a dispatch either from the 1970s or a particularly unpleasant nightclub, Noel Gallagher has been defending his wife from blokes what are lookin' at his bird:

“Everyone fancies my missus. Russell Brand is always asking after her. I have no doubt he would have a go if he got half a chance. But he won’t.

“Jason Orange and all the rest of them haven’t got a sniff either — I’m the one with millions in the bank.”

There's some sliver of self-awareness there - what have I got that Brand hasn't? Publishing rights on the first Oasis album - but... oh, charming... chattel... prattle... clear the coffee table off, we're going...

Robbie Williams is not without his supporters

After they failed to even mumble a "get well soon, Robbie" at the Brit awards, some people suggested that maybe Take That were some sort of evil, uncaring bastards who spend their evenings laughing at the plight of poor Robbie.

The next day, Jason Orange stepped in to explain why they kept quiet onstage:

"We didn't thank Robbie because it is about his private situation. It's not for us to comment. He's going through a personal problem and we wish him the best - we love him."

It turns out, though, that a private situation means "one which can be freely discussed in the pages of Reveal magazine", as Mark and Howard have given an interview commenting on Robbie's medical treatment:

Mark Owen said: "I'm so worried about him. I'm gutted and devastated things have ended up like this. I think he should come back to the UK."

And fellow pop star Howard Donald said in the interview with Reveal magazine: "I've been calling him loads.

"I'm upset some people think it's our success that's made him depressed."

Mark's depressed; Howard's depressed. It's one long circle of misery, isn't it? Clearly, Take That's bounce into having to talk to the press about how they're, whatever, upset about thingy they used to work with being in some sort of hospital is a postmodern joke based on the film about The Queen, and how she was forced to pretend that she was really sad that her husband had killed her former daughter-in-law, or whatever conspiracy about Diana we're meant to be believing this week.

Owen's also upset at some of the jokes being made at Robbie's expense:

Owen also said comments about Williams at the Brits from host Russell Brand and Oasis star Noel Gallagher were uncalled for.

"I felt bad at the Brits because there were some jokes said about Robbie that made it look like he was being mocked," he told the magazine.

It didn't just look like it, Mark. Pretty much, yeah, he was being mocked.