Gordon in the morning: Does he read his own column?

There's been a lot of advice offered to Amy Winehouse over the past few months - none of which seems to have had much effect.

But Gordon has come up with an idea that he thinks is going to succeed where all else has failed: showing her a photo of Britney Spears:

HERE’S a picture I want AMY WINEHOUSE to take a long hard look at – BRITNEY SPEARS looking truly stunning.

It was less than six months ago that the American singer was put in hospital for her own good.

Just like Amy today, Britney was a drug-crazed wreck, dogged by controversy. But look at her now.

Yes, Amy: if you get your act back together, Gordon will move you back into his list of 'women who make me a bit squibbly'. What better reason could there be to kick the crack?

Almost aware that comparing a woman with a serious drug problem with a woman who has bipolar disorder could be considered facile, Gordon casts around for other similarities between Amy and Britney. Hey - they've both got Dads, don't they:

As well as Amy taking note, her dad MITCH might also want to read on — as a lot of credit for Britney’s dramatic recovery goes to her father JAMIE.

The chef — a former alcoholic — took charge of his daughter’s life and cut out her binges.

Mitch might want to tighten Amy’s reins after she stole a bunch of flowers from a Camden petrol station in the early hours of Sunday.

And... hang on, they're both heterosexual, aren't they?

Britney’s dad has also kept her troublesome pals at arm’s length.

Her “manager” SAM LUTFI has been served with a restraining order and Britney is only allowed supervised visits with on-off boyfriend, British photographer ADNAN GHALIB.

He is not allowed to stay the night with her.

Amy is claiming hubby BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL will be released from jail later today, under the terms of the sentencing at his trial for assault and perverting the course of justice.

If Mitch wants to get Amy back on track, instigating heavily marshalled visits with her no-good fella would be a good place to start.

Gordon doesn't seem to have noticed that - while Britney mucked about a bit with Adnan, Amy is actually married to Blake. Which is a bit different.

It's also interesting that his suggestions - tightening reins, marshaling visits - seem to be about controlling Winehouse rather than trying to make her better. If only she was like a ventriloquist's dummy, and could be kept in a suitcase between stage shows...

Gordon in the morning: Running on empty

It's a day of nothing stretched very, very thin for Gordon this morning - Emily Smith files news from the US of Britney dumping that paparazzi bloke she was supposedly seeing, although we didn't know that they were back "together", to be honest and, since she's clearly not accountable for her actions at the moment, it's hardly surprising, is it?

The Sun tries its hand at a little Sylvie Krin action:

IT was a heart-warming love story for our time.
Adnan fell for pop princess Britney the moment he set eyes on her through his long lens - then charmed his way into her life.
But The Sun says she is better off without him. Adnan was one low-life frog who was never going to turn into a prince.
TO READ A REAL MILLS AND BOON ROMANCE, CLICK HERE.

Of course, if you click on the link it brings up an empty page - we suspect they're busily arguing if a Mills and Boon romance would end with the person who sent the evil character to spy on the heroine advising her to drop the evil one. Or perhaps they just couldn't be arsed.

Still, the claim that Britney threw Adnan's phone into a pool does generate the wonderful picture caption:

Wet: iPhone

Jordan is, apparently, changing the money she's got for showing her tits to people into a private jet, which sets Gordon punning:

It has already been dubbed bmi Booby — after the British airline bmi Baby.

Clearly, the only person who has ever called it that is Smart himself, but even he knows that's a clunker so he's trying to suggest it's something he's overheard.

He also tries a gag based on the phrase "landing strip", what with Jordan being a stripper, more or less:

GLAMOUR girl JORDAN is heading for a landing strip — in her own private JET.

No, we're fairly sure that is supposed to be a pun. We'd have gone with something about how she might have been a glamour model, but she's now heading for the runway or something like that.

And, trying desperately to find a new angle to keep the Cheryl Cole story alive, Gordon decides that the song she's recording with Will.I.Am is probably some sort of message for Ashley:

CHERYL COLE has found the perfect way to get her message across to numbnuts husband Ashley — with a four-letter rant in a new song.

Really?

Part of her vocals go: “You’ve been a f****** jerk!”

That doesn't seem to be a rant. Or, erm, four letters.

Meanwhile, Gordon has uncovered a new rich stream of humour:

And if you thought she was angry when she chinned that nightclub toilet attendant a few years ago, this lyric lashes out with even more venom.

Ha, ha, ha. A violent assault on a poorly paid woman. Let's all have a laugh at the rich woman beating the shit out of a toilet attendant, shall we, Gordon? Hilarious.

Gordon in the morning: Blakes and fake blakes

The News International web presence was having a bit of trouble earlier, and so it's only over lunch that we're able to catch up with what Gordon has for us today. His main focus of interest is that Amy Winehouse has been spending time with a man. Gordon, of course, nudges his audience like a washerwoman and tuts 'her with a husband inside, too, carrying on like that'.

Maybe they could get Roy Barraclough in to play Gordon, come to think of it.

Anyway, this 'man' is also called Blake. Yes, unlike in soap operas where they avoid having characters with the same name, real life isn't so simple. And it's doing Gordon's head in:

Yesterday, Blake II went with Amy to visit Blake I in prison. It's complicated, I know.

In what way is that complicated? If there were three Blakes, it might get a little difficult to keep track, but one Blake inside, one outside. It's quite simple.

In other news, Gordon gets someone to wring a quote out from a Victoria Beckham spokesperson about a photo which showed, um, nothing at all. "It's rather an unflattering crease" said the spokesperson, which wasn't enough to calm down Gordo:

Mum-of-three Posh, 33, sparked fears there was tum-thing wrong as she strolled around New York

They can't have been actual fears, could they? Because if someone was worried that some horrific fate had befallen Posh, you wouldn't really do a weak "tum" gag, would you?

And Michelle Heaton and Andy Scott-Lee tried to catch Gordon's eye by dressing as Britney and Adnan Ghalib. Yes, Adnan Ghalib. Although this seemed to involve nothing more complex than putting on sunglasses, to be honest. If they turned up at a fancy dress party dressed like that, you'd assume they'd just not had someone read the invitation to them properly.

Still, Gordon is annoyed by the whole thing:

Worst publicity stunt ever

SOME people say that BRITNEY SPEARS will do anything for a bit of publicity and that applies double to her snapper boyfriend ADNAN GHALIB.

So what does that make this latest stunt from MICHELLE HEATON and hubby ANDY SCOTT-LEE?

For me, it’s the most desperate attempt to stay in the public eye of all time.

In all my years following celebs I don’t think I’ve seen anything as cringeworthy as this pair dressed up as Britney and Adnan.

Oddly, though, if this is such a bad publicity stunt, why has Gordon decided to run a story about it, three pictures from the shoot and a large image of the cover of the magazine they're promoting in the UK's best-selling newspaper? I'd say that was quite a successful publicity stunt, wouldn't you?

Britney cuts off 'heir' without a penny

It's nice to see the great tradition of The Sun rubbishing its Sunday sister's big scoops is continuing into 2008. Yesterday, Rav Singh reported that Britney was going to make Adnan Ghalib her sole heir when she rewrote her will this week.

Twenty-four hours later, Alex Peake in The Sun claims that, if anything, Britney is going to see her solicitor to get a restraining order against him.

Meanwhile, Peake also reports that Spears has been listening to Amy Winehouse on her CD player. This being Bizarre, that leads to an enormous extrapolation:

A pal said: “If they teamed up it could be a disaster.”

Because, of course, 'listening to someone's CD' is only a short step from 'going on a drink and drugs fueled frenzy together'. It's not clear if this "pal" is a friend of Britney's, a friend of Amy's, or, most likely, a friend of Alex's.

Rav claims Brit makes pap sole heir

In a story which, clearly, everyone at the News of the World is slightly embarrassed about and has thus been buried in Rav Singh's showbiz blog, Rav announces that Brit is going to find time this week to change her will:

BURNT-OUT star BRITNEY SPEARS is set to add new snapper boyfriend ADNAN GHALIB to her will, I can reveal.

It means that if the car-crash singer dies, Adnan could pocket her estimated $130M (£65m) fortune.

So - let's just assume that there's any truth at all in the heart of this story, if you can strain your credibility far enough to believe that Britney is thinking about popping down to the solicitors and changing her last will and testament - Rav is just assuming that the whole lot will go to Adnan; and, further, that nobody in her family would object to the terms of the arrangement. Perhaps by suggesting, you know, that the "being of sound mind" bit at the top of the document couldn't be substantiated?

Even Rav seems to, obliquely, understand this:

If proof were needed that Britney is losing the plot in her increasingly bizarre life story, then I think this is it.

Yes, an unsourced, half-baked rumour about something which Spears hasn't even done. That's certainly more convincing that many of the things which have already happened, Rav.