Kym Marsh to return to music with the help of... hang on, is this a typo?

Is Kym Marsh really planning to relaunch her music career? (If you can call being in Hear'Say a music career in the first place?)

Given that her character in Coronation Street is being so awfully written at the moment, it's easy to see how music might seem a more tempting job. But it's quite a big task to go from the Rovers to the charts again. She'd need help.

What's that, Daily Mirror? She's got help?

Kym Marsh is looking to go from soap star back to pop star with news David Gest is pushing her to relaunch a career in music.

Gest is pairing her up with Candi Staton for a gig he's organising, and sees it leading onto bigger things:

He added: "I think this record will put Kym right back on top of the charts. Candi and Kym will perform a duet together on the closing date of my tour at Gilgamesh in Camden.

"They will be performing Candi's version of 'Suspicious Minds', which was a top 10 hit for her in the UK."

Suspicious Minds peaked at 31 in the UK.

It looks like a typical bit of Gest work - a Marsh/Staton live duet would be an interesting thing and worth mentioning, but as ever, he's overselling it as something that it isn't. I suspect Marsh better prepare herself for another few years of yomping through never-ending rows with Tracy Barlow yet.

David Gest against the People: It's what Michael would have wanted

You can understand David Gest being upset at the Sunday People saying he was banned from Michael Jackson's memorial:

In a writ filed at the High Court by London law firm Sheridans said the story alleged that despite his claims of a close friendship with Michael Jackson, and although Jackson was best man at his wedding to Liza Minelli in 2002, Gest parasitically clung to an association with the entertainer not based on genuine friendship.

Gest claimed the story was false as he was invited to the memorial service in Los Angeles and Jackson’s mother, Katherine Jackson, had not called him a hanger-on.

The People have already told its remaining readers that the story was wrong:

It said: "On July 5, 2009 we reported that David Gest had been banned from attending Michael Jackson's memorial service by Michael's mother as a "hanger-on" who had not spoken to her son for 10 years. Our article was incorrect.

"In fact Mr Gest had been friends with Michael Jackson for over 40 years, the two had remained close and he had been personally invited to the memorial service by Mrs Jackson.

"We apologise to Mr Gest for our error and any distress or embarrassment it may have caused."

And by "wrong" I mean "made-up". You've got to love that apology which suggests it was an "error", as if they'd spelled his name with a "u".

Still, David is not satisfied, and he's now taking The People to court.

Gordon in the morning: Yup, still dead

A sign that your Michael Jackson coverage is starting to wear a little thin: Gordon Smart is running a testimony about how normal MiJa was.

The testimony comes from David Gest, which makes the word "normal" somewhat relative.

He first got to know Michael Jackson when he called at the house to take the Thriller star’s sister, La Toya, on a date.

David said: “It was just puppy love, nothing serious. La Toya had the flu so Michael — who was nearly 12 at the time — asked me to drive him to a memorabilia sale. I had no clue what memorabilia even was at that time.”

Judging by Gest's subsequent story-arc, he was a quick study on that one.

The Sun has one of those moments today where it suddenly forgets its usual honking agenda. Because at the heart of The Sun's worldview is that freeloaders are bad, right? Like the posh squatters:

The freeloaders were chased out of the property in the exclusive Clarges Mews by bailiffs and sniffer dogs.

Yes! Well done the bailiffs, kicking out those freeloaders who don't pay their way. Boo! Freeloaders!

It turns out, though, that if you've pissed away a multi-million fortune on drugs and wigs, then not settling those debts is absolutely fine:

Clan strip digs and foil bailiffs

Hurrah! For the... um, freeloading... boo... the bailiffs now...?

Gest saves Katona

There's some good news for Kerry Katona, who has had her sins washed away and been baptised.

There is, of course, some bad news. She's been baptised by David Gest, so you can only imagine the sort of afterlife her immortal soul will be treated to.

MTV in trouble again

Given the huge fine levied against MTV for constant swearing and daytime rudery, you'd at least think they're being more careful now.

Unfortunately, not so. Indeed, in the same edition of the Ofcom report which details the fine, the very next item is, erm, a slap on the wrist for MTV's Freeview service TMF:

This programme contained several instances of graphic sexual discussion, for example David Gest asked if he could use the word ‘cunnilingus’ and then gave a description of how he had performed it. There was also a conversation about penis size and the age and way in which one interviewee started "wanking". Ofcom considers that this material was inappropriate for the time of broadcast when children were likely to be watching and that it was not justified editorially.

To be honest, David Gest acting out cunnilingus is probably inappropriate for anyone with eyes.

The complaints against the programme actually were considered as part of the decision to fine MTV, and to be fair that's the reason why it appears next to the sanction report in the Ofcom bulletin.

Also in this month's round-up of regulatory fun, Ofcom returns to GCap's Ocean FM station in Southampton. Back in November, the radio company was given a yellow card because it was ignoring its licence requirement to play mainly new, adult contemporary music. Then, it was barely managing one out of every twenty tracks from the last twelve months. How is it doing now?

In its January 2008 sampling, Ofcom noted that Ocean FM was now playing a considerably higher proportion of current tracks than during the previous sampling period in October 2007. However, while there had been an improvement in January 2008, the three days of monitored output revealed that tracks from the past twelve months still accounted for less than half of the station’s music output. We could not, therefore, take the view that Ocean FM was providing the listener with “predominately” current tracks, as the Format required.

We also noted that Ocean FM was continuing to play a significant number of rock tracks that could not be considered Adult Contemporary. Such rock tracks included
Muse/Starlight; Arctic Monkeys/Fluorescent Adolescent; Foo Fighters/Long Road To Ruin; Killers/Read My Mind; The Who/Squeezebox; The Jam/That’s Entertainment.

The overall effect was to continue to give the station an older-leaning, rock-oriented
feel which we consider remained at odds with Ocean FM’s core Format promise and so reduced the overall choice available to listeners in South Hampshire.

So, that's being caught breaching the promise twice. So what are Ofcom going to do?

Um... come back in three months and sample again - having spent some time pondering the meaning of "mainly" and listening to GCap's explanation that they're tagging the music in their library with "genres" (just like on iTunes) to make sure that South Hampshi'ites have somewhere to turn without being hit by too much rock music. And if they haven't sorted it out by autumn, why... Ofcom will be really cross then.

Some people find David Gest a bit creepy

Don't you wish that it was you and not Amy Winehouse was the object of his affections:

"I love that beehive she wears, I love her tattoos, I'd lick her toes.

"I'm in love with Amy, I'd like to lick the inside of her hair - I'd probably find KFC stuck in it. I'd even lick the gap in her teeth. Ever yone knows I've got a good tongue!"

You might have a good tongue, David, but it's a pity it keeps flapping about making noises like that which, clearly, hadn't been signed off by your brain.

Vacancies at the Gest-'House

Can we please do whatever it is that David Gest wants us to do to make him go away now, please? Watching Michael Grade launch ITV's broadband service, boasting about how they've got more great stuff in their archive than any other commercial broadcaster in the world, you wonder if that's the case, then why does he allow them to fill the airwaves with second-rate programming built around a man who could out-creep a conference full of struck-off clowns?

Now, Gest is being given a platform to be wrong anytime he chooses. For example, we're not fond of Amy Winehouse, but when we hear Gest oozing in her direction, we feel compelled to offer her sanctuary. Or a gun. Or something:

"I would kiss the mole on Amy Winehouse's face and every tattoo on her body, and I'd stick my tongue in the gap where her tooth is missing.

I love her."

Where's the News of the World and whipped-up crowd of the outraged when you really need them?

Someone save Matt Willis from David Gest

You'd have thought that Matt Willis, who we had to go and remind ourselves from our notes, was once in Busted, would be delighted with the chance to appear on television. After all, he was so desperate for people to like him he went on that programme where people put scorpions down their trousers and eat kangaroo testicles and chat to Ant and Dec.

However, it seems even fame-monkey Matt has his limits, and he's upset that ITV is using him as Benny The Ball to David Gest's Top Cat in This Is David Gest:

“I’m dreading seeing David’s show, because he’d ring me up and go, ‘Matt, I never see you, come over, I’m so lonely. Come and see me goddammit’.
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“I turn up at his hotel and there’s a camera crew on me! He just doesn’t want to be on his own on camera, so he has me as his little sidekick to bully.

“It annoyed me a few times, bless him.”

Don't worry, Matt. Nobody's watching the programme anyway. And, if it bothers you that much, you could just refuse permission for them to use the footage.

Now, I hear David yanking on your chain. Go, dance for the cameras, reality TV monkey.

But not before we've considered Matt's world view. He's thinking about a trip abroad, but:

"There’s no point [me] going to Amsterdam as I don’t smoke weed anymore!”

Yes. Because it's not like there's anything to Amsterdam than coffee shops selling dope, is there? There's not the place where Rembrandt worked, or the Anne Frank House, or a gallery offering a chance to see the astonishing The Milkmaid; or a place offering the largest collection of VanGoghs in one place. Or the Melkweg, or the canals, or...

X-Factor: How many judges does it take to replace Louis Walsh?

Quite a few, it seems. The People is confident that Dannii Minogue is going to take the role. While sister paper >the Daily Record says it'll be David Gest. Although he'll have to sit on Leona Lewis' lap, if the Daily Star is to believed. Unless you prefer to believe it'll be Jessica Simpson, tipped by, erm the Daily Star. Or it might be Zoe Ball or Cat Deeley, if you listen to the Daily Star. But at least we know it won't be Cheryl Tweedy, as she's turned down the offer - leaving the way open for EntertainmentWise's favoured candidate, Mel B. Assuming they can fit her and Chris Moyles on the table, as Metro says he'll be on the panel.

We're sure it'll wind up being Robson and Jerome, to be honest.

Kylie-thin skeleton news service

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