Lily Allen: Becoming zero

Psst, Lily Allen: if you really want to fade into oblivion and not be the focus of public attention, you could start by not doing an interview with Closer telling them about how you wish to vanish.

Gordon in the morning: Eating kidneys with relish

All those people hoping for an Atomic Kitten reunion (or "Kerry Katona and her dependents" as they're known) will find Gordon Smart's pages grim reading this morning:

The former ATOMIC KITTEN star [Jenny Frost] reckons she would rather "eat her own kidney" than reform the girl group with original member KERRY KATONA.

Nadia Mendoza knows this because, erm, she read it in Closer.

Quite why a reunion would feature both Frost and Katona, though, who weren't in the band at the same time, isn't explained.

Also, it would be handy to know if Frost meant she'd rip out her own kidney, with her bare hands, before eating it; or if she'd have it removed painlessly and professionally before being served to her. Perhaps the confusion on that point is why Gordon hasn't had his "boffins" create a photoshop image of this event.

In other news: Gordon's obsession with Bruno reminds me of the way three year-olds get fixated on Ice Age.

Showbiz Zoe Dean

Showbiz Zoe, who is now merely Pursuing Other Exciting Opportunities Zoe, has had her vacant former position filled. Stepping in, it seems, will be a chap called Dean Piper.

Dean "is currently Entertainment Editor at Closer magazine, and begins his new position in May."

It must be rewarding for Zoe to know that she's going to be so missed by the Mirror that they're rushing to get someone to pick up her work with such almost unseemly haste. Presumably Closer just can't bear to part with him.

[Thanks to Sarah D]

A difference of opinion from the Winehouse house

While Gordon is playing fantasy divorce courts and claiming that the Winehouse family don't believe that Blake would get a penny because Amy was drug-addled when she hooked up with him, Mitch Winehouse has given an interview to Closer which is a lot more understanding of Blake's position, and - crucially - claims that she hated hard drugs before she met Blake. That would seem to offer a suggestion that Winehouse entered the relationship clear-eyed.

It's also clear that Mitch, at least, isn't pushing for a divorce at any cost. Not at the moment, anyway:

Mitch said: "He had a problematic upbringing, he moved out of home at 16 and was homeless in London at 18. That's why I do have sympathy for him.

"Blake's got the chance now to prove how much he really loves Amy by staying drug-free. Their marriage can't survive if they're together on drugs.

"One or both will die, that's all there is to it."

Not quite the hard-faced viewpoint Gordon was suggesting. Perhaps he hasn't had his Closer delivered yet.

Cerys' family "worried sick"

After her rather-noticeable over-enjoyment of alcohol, Cerys Matthews sorted herself out and got sober.

Not any longer, as "worried family and friends" have erm, told Closer magazine:

"We're worried sick about Cerys. But we can only sit and watch as she drinks again. She drinks with Marc nearly every day.

"It's dangerous - she's not good with alcohol. At the moment she's happy because she's in love. But what happens when they have a big row or split up?

"She'll reach for the bottle or drugs in a big way, only this time she has kids - we love her too much to let it happen again."

And, naturally, the thing you do if you love someone that much is flog a story to one of the trashier magazines about it.

Interestingly, the implication seems to be that it's Marc Bannerman leading her astray, rather than the more plausible possibility that going on I'm A Celebrity in the first place, the Hellomance and, yes, drinking, might all be symptoms of the same problem.

Cerys isn't stupid though: let's hope she sobers up before she starts becoming a habitué of the middle pages of Closer and Pick Me Up.