Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Gordon in the morning: Amy not at the Brits

So, that was the big upset of the night, then: the no-show of Amy Winehouse at the Brits... hang on, it hasn't happened yet, has it? Turns out it was a rehearsal she didn't show up for.

Gordon happily takes credit for the disaster:

The singer missed a crucial awards show rehearsal on Monday after learning her jailbird hubby BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL was trading her signed pictures for hits of heroin.

Distraught Amy thought he was swapping the snaps for cigarettes from other lags in London’s Pentonville Prison.

Her friends believe his sordid deals, which I revealed on Monday, has pushed her “closer than ever” to ditching the junkie loser.

We imagine the detail about "swapping signed photos for tobacco" is meant to try and - belatedly - plug some of the gaps in the original story back on Monday. It doesn't, of course (wouldn't it have been simpler to give him some cigarettes instead of signed photos to barter with?), but it's nice to see Gordon getting excited by the prospect of another divorce for the second day running:
Amy’s family are already prepared for what will happen if she and Blake divorce. Despite fears Blake will try to get his grubby mitts on a big chunk of her music fortune, they reckon he hasn’t got a hope.

They are convinced he will not be entitled to anything, arguing Amy was addled by drugs when they married last May.

So, not only has Gordon got the divorce going, but he's decided that Blake will want large sums of cash, and created the line that the Winehouse family will use to fight claims for money. Oh, and:
“He will be offered a one-off payment and told if he goes to court to get more he will end up with nothing, as Amy was not in a fit mental state to marry him.”

... also come up with outcome of the hearing that would happen. Quite an impressive extrapolation from 'woman fails to show up for a run-through of a song'.

What about the other divorce? Cheryl Cole, Gordon reported yesterday, was flying back to go eyeball to eyeball to Ashley Cole. Despite him being in Greece. Amusingly, not only is there not a word about the Coles in Bizarre this morning, for the first time in days, but links to yesterday's big story have vanished - and Gordon (or a nominated adult) has done some subtle, unacknowledged editing of yesterday's story, which now reads:
LOVE rat ASHLEY COLE will come face to face with wife CHERYL for showdown talks on their crumbling marriage this week.

Of course, this time yesterday that opening read:
The cheating Chelsea star will come face to face with wife CHERYL tonight for showdown talks on their crumbling marriage.'

It means that Gordon has had to abandon his "C-Day" conceit - as "C-sometime-this-week" made even less sense, which means that he's also had to lose his bit of business about D-day ("Divorce day", you'll recall.)

Trouble is, whoever tried to tidy up the story to remove the obvious howlers missed one, as the story as republished yesterday still makes the claim that the big showdown was coming "tonight", the 19th:
She stopped eating after The Sun revealed the England footballer cheated on her with hairdresser Aimee Walton.

Cheryl has told Ashley she will go back to their Surrey mansion and hear him out tonight.

Presumably whoever did the corrections couldn't bring themselves to wade all the way through the piece, and hoped nobody else would bother, either.

It's good that Gordon has admitted his original story was rubbish, and there's nothing wrong with correcting webpages when you've printed something that couldn't possibly have been true. What's shady, though, is to try and do it without anyone noticing. Everyone makes mistakes, Gordon. But big ones like this you should at least make some mention of when you're tidying them up.

Or perhaps just keep to the safer 'writing about what you can see in a photograph'. Today, Gordon has a photo of Kate Moss which shows her knees. In the cold, you can make out her kneecap. This sends Gordon a little odd:
Model's knees are Jaffa Kates

IT might be chilly in London but that didn’t stop KATE MOSS getting her orange knobbly knees out.

She’s just back from a holiday in the Maldives with boyfriend JAMIE HINCE and Kate’s pins reminded me of one of my favourite snacks – the Jaffa Cake.

I told you last month how EVA LONGORIA’s knees look like Tunnock’s Tea Cakes – the finest biscuit/cake combo.

I’d choose Tea Cake with Eva over a Jaffa Kate any day...

Whoever produces the index page for Bizarre seemed to have trouble understanding what the hell Smart was on about when producing the one-line teaser, plumping for:
Moss has snack attack as she gets her knobbly knees out in chilly London

Because 'actual newspaper columnist decides whose legs he'd rather eat' might just look a little strange.