Cerys opens her heart; NOTW opens chequebook

Do you suppose that - when the NOTW signed up Cerys for the bra and panties shoot and "Marc and I are in love" story - that they also insisted that they got first dibs on any "Our love is over" interviews?

If so, the small print has been invoked as, this morning, Cerys states the bleedin' obvious - or, as the paper has it:

Cerys reveals the real reason she split with celeb lover Marc Bannerman

We're not sure, but from the headline we're assuming Marc Bannerman now has "celeb lover" on his passport where it says "Occupation".

Apparently, they were totally incompatible:

HE loves his cool showbiz life in a trendy part of london, SHE'S a mum-of-two village girl in Wales.

HE'S a protective macho man who takes charge on dates and orders everything, SHE'S a fiercely independent spirit who insists on making her own decisions.

HE'S a real tidy-up fan with everything in its place, SHE'S at home in mess and chaos.

HE'S a great cook rustling up roast chicken and tasty treats, SHE'S hopeless and burned his soup.

HE takes a keen pride in his clothes, SHE'S happy in the same old outfits and hates shopping.

He was a cartoon cat, she was a choreographer turned pops... oh, hang about, that's a different relationship.

Hold on a minute... did you just say:

HE'S a great cook rustling up roast chicken and tasty treats, SHE'S hopeless and burned his soup.

Now, 'he's a slack-jawed club hanger, she's a creative artist' we can understand, but "I can't be with you, you're good at cooking and I've just let a pot catch" must be the lamest excuse we've ever heard for ending a relationship. Even one that only existed in Hello magazine's head. Wouldn't his ability to cook make him the perfect match for someone who can't boil water? Isn't there a degree to which compatibility has to be more than 'identical to' and about each bringing something unique to the relationship?

Not that it matters much, as this one:

HE'S a protective macho man who takes charge on dates and orders everything, SHE'S a fiercely independent spirit who insists on making her own decisions.

... that's more than enough to justify binning - having a partner who doesn't want you to think for yourself doesn't make you incompatible with him; it makes him incompatible with the 21st century.

Baby, it's cold outside

The Western Mail reports this morning that Catatonia is popular with foetuses:

Helen Rogers, head of the Royal College of Midwives, Wales, says the anecdotal evidence from pregnant women she has cared for over the years is overwhelming.

Time and again they have told her that the voice of the Welsh pop star works like a traditional nanny’s lullaby and that babies seem to turn towards avocado if it is offered to them in the months following birth.

She said, “Babies tend to like melodies, and lots of mums tell me that Cerys has a lovely mother-like female voice that seems to be soothing for babies developing in the womb, during labour and after they are born too."

So, there's an attraction in Cerys' voice for helpless, mewling types who lack the ability to communicate in anything other than screams and tantrums. That makes some sense, but it still doesn't explain what Matthews sees in Bannerman, though.

Cerys' family "worried sick"

After her rather-noticeable over-enjoyment of alcohol, Cerys Matthews sorted herself out and got sober.

Not any longer, as "worried family and friends" have erm, told Closer magazine:

"We're worried sick about Cerys. But we can only sit and watch as she drinks again. She drinks with Marc nearly every day.

"It's dangerous - she's not good with alcohol. At the moment she's happy because she's in love. But what happens when they have a big row or split up?

"She'll reach for the bottle or drugs in a big way, only this time she has kids - we love her too much to let it happen again."

And, naturally, the thing you do if you love someone that much is flog a story to one of the trashier magazines about it.

Interestingly, the implication seems to be that it's Marc Bannerman leading her astray, rather than the more plausible possibility that going on I'm A Celebrity in the first place, the Hellomance and, yes, drinking, might all be symptoms of the same problem.

Cerys isn't stupid though: let's hope she sobers up before she starts becoming a habitué of the middle pages of Closer and Pick Me Up.

Cerys life now little more than a punt

There might be a growing suspicion that her appearance on I'm A Celebrity hasn't exactly done much for Cerys Matthews' gravitas. Indeed, now her sideshow romance with comedy figure Marc Bannerman has turned into something akin to a game of Totopoly. Bookies are taking bets on the chances of her getting married.

Oh, and divorced:

Marc, who dumped his long-term girlfriend to hook up with Welsh singer Cerys Matthews, has odds that he will marry the Catatonia star next year are 9/1. And there are similar odds for a subsequent divorce - at 8/1.


"The jungle drums haven't stopped beating since Marc ditched his girlfriend and started looking for a house where he could set up a love nest with Cerys," said Dave Metcalf, from Betfred.

So, in effect, Betfred's odds are suggesting that Matthews and Bannerman are more likely to divorce than they are to get married. We're not sure that's entirely possible.

Cerys returns, but not to glory

If Cerys had been hoping that her I'm A Celeb spell would restore her to the nation's hearts, today's papers will make slightly grim reading for her. Admittedly, the attacks are coming from two newspaper groups who she didn't flog her 'my slightly grubby sort-of-romance to' at the weekend.

In the Mirror, Gavin Martin shakes his head more in sorrow than in anger:

"I've met Cerys many times and always found her extremely pleasant, so easy to talk to.

"She's also an exceptionally talented singer but her stint on reality TV is overshadowing all that ability. I don't blame her for doing the show, she's got bills to pay, but you can't help feeling she's better than that."

The Mail, meanwhile, is less with the sorrow, more with the anger, sniffing that the audience is being played:

Celebrity love sham: Cerys and Marc are too busy cashing in to rekindle their romance

She said it hit her like a thunderbolt. He said he hoped they could have children together.

But for a lovestruck pair, Cerys Matthews and Marc Bannerman seem strangely reluctant to rush back into each other's arms.

The singer and actor, who met while competing on I'm a Celebrity...Get me Out of Here! in Australia, have not managed to meet up after emerging from the jungle.

Goodness. Are they suggesting that it might be all made up?

Could someone get Cerys out of there now, please?

We spent the run of I'm A Celebrity looking the other way, to be honest - although we were very taken with Charlie Booker's description of the "relationship" between her and that bloke who used to be in EastEnders as being more like that between a nurse and a child; Brooker, too, described the news that Cerys had gone into the series as being "like when Kirsty McColl died".

This morning, though, Cerys is continuing to work her way along the weary reality TV show path by appearing in her knickers in the News of the World and giving an ooh I'm giddy interview:

"I can't wait to see him again. I'd love to go to him straight away but my children are the priority.

"I'm sure we will be on the phone as often as possible. Right now, we just want to talk and talk.

"I'm looking forward to a big Marc hug but mostly I want to chat to him, go for dinner, go to the cinema, show him the countryside. It's exciting. I can't wait to show him around Wales. He's only ever been to Abergavenny."

It's quite a turn around - last month, Cerys couldn't even bring herself to mention her divorce when being interviewed; now, here she is, in her knickers telling News of the World readers about heroin addiction and breaking up with Seth.

We're just hoping that it's not going to lead to Iceland break bumpers next winter.