Perhaps it's too early to scoff at Brian Harvey

The news that Brian Harvey has been "carrying out his own investigation into child abuse" has, predictably and understandably, generated a lot of hilarity online. You can see why - a man who once pointed a finger of suspicion at a potato for attempted murder, and who has been behaving somewhat erratically since his career stalled in the early days of the Blair administration. It's full of yuck-yuck potential.

But it's worth remembering that both Stella Creasy and Simon Danczuk think that he's worth listening to - and neither are dupes:

Danczuk has led calls for an inquiry into allegations of abuse, and was put in touch with Harvey by his constituency E17 MP, Stella Creasy.

Danczuk told BuzzFeed News: “It’s the first time I’ve met him. He came across to me as a really thoughtful person. The reason we were meeting up is to discuss some work he’s done around child sex abuse. He was sharing the information that he had gathered.

“He feels quite passionately about protecting children and really wants to make a contribution. We know that showbusiness is an industry that’s had a number of abusers within it.

“He’s providing a number of leads that I’m keen to follow up and that’s exactly what I’ll do. I’m pleased he’s done the work he’s done. We had a good chat. I’d be happy and keen to meet him again.”

By the nature of the their role, MPs are often besieged by - shall we say - overenthusiastic, overimaginative amateurs. If Danczuk is happy to encourage further contact from Harvey, he must think there's something there to be taken seriously.

Gordon in the morning: Picking up the bill

This morning, Gordon is fuming at a booking for N-Dubz:

N-DUBZ will share a stage with some of music's biggest names - from 1992.

DAPPY, FAZER and TULISA are joined by EAST 17, ASWAD and The One And Only CHESNEY HAWKES on the bill for the Willow Music Festival, near Faversham, Kent, on May 29 and 30.

Surely this isn't the first time that Gordon has noticed festivals tend to have a mix of acts drawn from different points in their careers?

Still, he's not happy:

It's not a booking you would expect from a band on the verge of cracking America.

Well, no. It's the sort of booking you'd expect from a festival looking for an act to keep the kiddies happy, though.

Dappy and Fazer could get tips on maintaining a healthy image from East 17 geezer BRIAN HARVEY.

And Tulisa could talk career longevity with Chesney.

Hahahahahahahaha. That's funny. Although, as Gordon has just pointed out, Hawkes is playing a gig in 2010, so clearly does have some insight into how you keep a career spinning.

Gordon has more about N-Dubz, though:

Meanwhile, Twitter technical bods are monitoring Tulisa's repeated swearing on the social networking site.

If she doesn't watch her tongue, her account could be disabled.

Another rap on the knuckles for the naughtiest band in the charts.

That's just - if you'll forgive the word - bollocks, isn't it, Gordon? Why would "technical bods" be monitoring swearing?

Perhaps Gordon is getting confused messages - you could imagine that the management who are guiding N-Dubz might ask their children's entertainers to watch the effing and jeffing, but Twitter? Cursebird.com shows that there's a fair bit of rude daubings on Twitter.

Darkness at 3AM: Reunion of one

The only plausible explanation for this piece on 3AM today is that they think having joke items is a tradition for every day in April, not just the 1st:

There's been Take That, the Spices and Boyzone. Now, it's East 17's turn! Well, a quarter of them, anyway. Tony Mortimer's doing a one-off show next month at the Monto@229 in London.

Where do you start? Where? That a solo gig is not, by any stretch of the definition, a reunion of a band? That East 17 have already reformed and split up again, apparently bypassing the Mirror's crack entertainment team? Or is it best to just sit, head in hands?

Brian Harvey: He's like Neil McCormick, in essence

For a cold, clear eye on the current music scene, we need look no further than Brian Harvey. Yes, that Brian Harvey. He shared overmuch with the audience at Liverpool Empire:

"Simon Cowell is solely responsible for fucking up music. I feel sorry for that Leona girl - she's a mug."

I suppose he has a point. East 17 playing the Liverpool Empire in 2007? Music really, really is in a bad way.

Hope, and the absence of hope

Alone in a universe of people, Brian Harvey still holds out hope for another East 17 reunion:

"I hoped we could put all the old stuff behind us. Me, Terry and John are fine, but I just don't think Tony likes me! I honestly don't know what I've done, whether I've stolen the limelight or something. I'd still be up for doing the reunion, though."

Brian, chickadee, there's precious little limelight to be stolen from East 17 these days - you'd be hard put to read a large print novel in the glow of fame left for you lot.

Meanwhile, Westlife have firmly ruled out any chance of Brian McFadden returning, tail between legs or no:

NICKY BYRNE, 28, adds, "Let's put the record straight - there's no room for Brian in Westlife now. I haven't had this conversation with Brian, but there's no reason for him to want to be in Westlife now anyway."

Good lord, Nicky. There's no reason for anyone to want to be in Westlife - unless, perhaps, they've got explosives strapped under their jackets.

You start with Morrissey... and work your way down to this

Although Morrissey has ruled himself out of the Eurovision race, that doesn't mean Britain won't be represented in Helsinki by some top-flight entertainers.

Oh, actually: yes, it does. Justin Hawkins is going to be competing.

As is Natasha Hamilton - yes, Atomic Kitten's Natasha Hamilton.

And so are Big Brovaz. Yes, the poor man's Fugees (all phew, no gee) who are planning a comeback in early Spring.

Oh, and Brian Harvey, fresh from the newly rebroken East 17 and hoping that no rogue potato might frustrate him again.

And Scooch. Yes, Mike Stock and Matt Aitken's proof that Pete Waterman was the magic ingredient. They're embarking on a second comeback - you'll remember, of course, they reunited in 2004.

The only fresh face - the Chantelle in a room full of Prestons, if you will - is Cyndi. Such is the reek of old men at the youth club with the other contestants, we did make sure it was a new popstar and not Cyndi Lauper.

God help us all. We're backing France.