Gordon in the morning: [Insert chat here]

It's one of those mornings where Gordon Smart has a straight-up great story that almost justifies the existence of the column. Tulisa has to be prompted when to be warm to her audience:

The former X Factor judge has to be prompted when to talk to punters at her gigs.

A copy of her set list orders her to “chat over music” before delivering an N-DUBZ medley.

And after a few more tracks the document tells her to “chat” – and plug her single during the natter.

Let's hope they've written "wave and leave stage" at the end, otherwise everyone's just going to be hanging around awkwardly wondering what to do next.

Gordon in the morning: Tulisa flops

For the second day running, Gordon is enjoying the slow sales generated by the Tulisa album:

LANDING a guest performer spot on The X Factor is usually a sure-fire way to a chart hit.

But singing on last Sunday’s results show and sitting on the judging panel clearly hasn’t helped TULISA.

Early chart figures yesterday showed the former N-DUBZ singer’s debut solo album, The Female Boss, limping along at an embarrassing No17.

(Actually, as No Doubt discovered awkwardly, performing on the X Factor isn't a guarantee of success at all.)

Still, cheer up, Tulisa: at least in the digital era, there are far fewer massive boxes of unsold CDs that somebody is going to have to deal with.

Gordon in the morning: Lady Boss demoted

Gordon is trying to not look too thrilled at early indications that Tulisa's album isn't selling well:

THE early signs aren’t good for TULISA’s debut solo album.

Despite a primetime promotional slot on The X Factor on Sunday, The Female Boss started yesterday at No27 on the iTunes chart.

It later crept up to No22 – behind KELLY CLARKSON, KE$HA and even JOOLS HOLLAND.

At the moment, it's 122nd in the Amazon chart (and 130th in the MP3 chart.)

Given that No Doubt's single crashed and burned after they appeared on X Factor, it's like this series is exhibiting an anti-Midas touch...

Gordon in the morning: Worried for Tulisa

Gordon Smart picks up the keyboard this morning to paint a worrying picture of Tulisa's finances:

TULISA will have to watch her pennies – she faces paying more than £100,000 in legal bills for suing over her leaked sex tape.

The X Factor star has to foot the bill because the people she accused of releasing the clip don’t have that kind of wedge.

Gordon's worried that Tulisa is spending a lot of cash on "top flight lawyers" but might only end up with "a moral victory".

Why, it's almost as if he's keen to try and put a halt to Tulisa's continued pursuit of the people who put the sex tape online, and then attempted to draw an audience to it. But, of course, if Tulisa stopped now we might not get to hear the interesting story of how the tape got noticed by newspapers. I'm sure Gordon wouldn't want us to miss out on that.

Mind you, if the idea is to shake Tulisa by laying out the costs of justice...

..you might want to be a bit more careful with the numbers. More than one hundred pounds, eh?

Gordon in the morning: Gag reflex

Given that much of the attention to the Tulisa sex tape was down to the massive coverage of it in Gordon's showbiz pages, now that MC Ultra has apologised in court, will the paper be feeling a little ashamed at its part in bullying the woman?

No.

Today there's a story - apparently written by three people - about her going on holiday. And the headline?

Tulisa’s blown the lot

Sex video star has wild time in Ibiza

Blown? Do you see? Because it was a video with a blow job.

(And isn't it adding insult to injury to describe her as a "sex video star"?)

Just in case you missed the subtle joke, they repeat it almost instantly:

BIRTHDAY girl Tulisa Contostavlos has been blowing her money, candles and a lilo in Ibiza as she gets over her sex tape hell.

Yeah, it's a jape, isn't it, guys?

Gordon in the morning: Tulisa flicks the Cs

Uh-oh. A video has got Tulisa into trouble. Not that video. This is one she filmed with Nines in London, during the course of which she made a C-symbol.

Gordon has one interpretation of what that might mean:

The sign is used by members of notorious north-west London gang Crime Scene Boys, also known as the Church Road Soldiers, who have been linked to gun violence and drug dealing.

Tulisa offers another view:

“I filmed a street video on Sunday night for a track on my album.

“The video was a collaboration with the rapper Nines. When we were filming on the street loads of other people turned up and joined in the shoot.

“When I was holding my hands in the C sign, this was as a tribute to Camden, my home town and where N-Dubz began.

“I am not aware that this sign has anything to with any street gang and I 100 per cent do not endorse any gang violence in any form.”

The truth, you'd suspect, starts in the last line - I don't think anyone is going to think that for some reason Tulisa would have been stood in Harlesden suddenly showing love for Camden; apparently Nines throws the C sign into his videos as a matter of course - I suspect Tulisa was just trying to fit in.

I do love the idea of her strained management team desperately trying to come up with another meaning for the C:
"How about Cowell? No?"
"Chocolate?"
"Could we get the Shamen's Mr C in to do a cameo, and say that she was filming that bit to introduce him?"
"Perhaps we should just say it was a Static_assert?"

Gordon hasn't actually called for Tulisa's head on a plate:

It is also the kind of thing her bosses at ITV, X Factor producers Syco and record label Universal will take seriously.

... but has offered to get the crockery out.

Tulisa wins a prize

Tulisa has won the annual title of Most Famous Woman Prepared To Do An FHM Photoshoot ("FHM sexiest woman in the world") and has been telling the Daily Mail all about it:

Speaking of her win, Tulisa told the MailOnline it was 'the most self-indulgent award she's ever won.'

What does that actually mean? That she voted for herself? That there was some way in which she had to allow the prize to be given to her?

Or does she simply mean that the award was voted for by an electorate most well-known for their love of self-indulgence?

[Thanks to Michael M]

Gordon in the morning: I'm sorry, we don't take faces

I'm not sure Gordon's story about Tulisa in a shop makes any sense.

Tulisa is, supposedly, buying some wine. But - because she looks so young - she is challenged for proof of age.

She said: “I didn’t have my ID so he wouldn’t give it to me.

"There were all these mags with me on the front cover so I pulled out one, slapped it on the desk and said ‘Look, there’s my ID.

"Can I have the wine?’ He gave it to me.”

There's a problem here, though. You're not asked for ID to prove who you are, it's to prove how old you are. And even if Tulisa happened to find a magazine which happened to quote her age, I'm pretty certain a gossip column in Closer doesn't have the same legal status as an official proof of age issued by the Home Office. Or The Economist.

Still, there is something refreshing in this story, as it's not often you'll hear a person off the television telling a story which revolves around people not knowing who they are. Tulisa, and - in yesterday's Countdown - Margaret Mountford, and that's about it.

Gordon in the morning: Keep quiet, friends of Tulisa

Gordon reports that Tulisa has learned the hard way:

Tulisa gags her new friends

I think this is meant to be a blowjob joke. It doesn't work, does it?

We're asked to believe that Tulisa is going to make any new friend sign a legal document to stop them sharing:

She has decided to gag any newcomers to her inner circle – friends and colleagues as well as boyfriends – to stop anything like the sex tape leaking out again.

This sounds somewhere between unlikely and unworkable - at what point would you judge someone has moved from acquaintance to intimate? If she gets on with the man who comes to fix her boiler, would the lawyer get a call at the point where she decides to break out the good biscuits?

Or would the signing happen before a social arrangement - a lunch or a quick drink? A pre-sup rather than a prenup?

Gordon doesn't seem to realise, if the story is true, it merely reinforces how he and his trade have so undermined people's privacy that a young woman no longer feels able to trust anyone, not even her own judgement.

And how does he know of this supposed attempt to block leaks coming from camp Contostavlos?

A source said...

Unclear if the source had signed a document forbidding them from revealing details of Tulisa's life.

Gordon in the morning: More bullying from Bizarre

Having played a major part in helping develop awareness of the sex video sold by Tulisa's ex, Gordon continues to bully the young woman this morning.

His 'story' is that she went to a party but left after people going on about the video made her feel awkward. Is there any way that Smart thinks detailing that in a paper is kind? Or worth publishing?

Remember, this is something horrible that happened to her, without her agreement or knowledge.

If Cowell really wants to support his protege, how about cutting off the supply of stories he feeds The Sun until they stop this constant harrying of her?

Gordon in the morning: Cowell edits himself into sex tape

It's right, of course, that Tulisa shouldn't be dropped from The X Factor because someone else is selling a video of her having sex. In fact, it's so obvious, that it's not entirely clear why Simon Cowell felt the need to issue a long statement about it.

Well, obviously, it's entirely clear why he did it; because he's happy to use is employee's embarrassment as another front to promote his programme on.

He took the opportunity to slag off the guy who sold the tape...

He should literally find a hole and hide in it for the next week.

Possibly not the best choice of words.

Gordon in the morning: Taped

There's an unfortunate juxtaposition on Gordon's pages this morning:

That's the only amusing moment in something of a grim morning, as Tulisa has been bullied into admitting that she is in the sex tape after all:

X FACTOR judge Tulisa Contostavlos last night apologised to fans as she admitted it was her in a sex tape touted online.

So, if I've got this story straight, she was filmed by someone she thought she could trust in the bedroom; that person then flogged the tape; the tape was touted around porn firms; aided by The Sun's promotion, the footage was put online and charged for; she tried to pretend it wasn't her but the Sun, and former friends, rushed forward to insist it was and now she's been bullied into putting out a video effectively confirming the provenance of the tape.

What is it, exactly, that she's "apologising to fans" for?

Given that she's the one who has had her privacy so brutally invaded, and been gleefully pursued by Gordon and his team, shouldn't the apologies be flowing in the opposite direction?

I suppose you could try and condemn her for having tried to pretend that it wasn't her in the film, as if there's some sort of law insisting that if you're violated and exposed on the internet you're obliged to identify yourself.

But you'd have to be a bit a bit of an asshat to believe that. Not quite as much of an asshat as someone who'd flog off the sex videos on their phone; and obviously nowhere as near an asshat as a person who would use the pages of a national newspaper to bully you over it. But an asshat nevertheless.

The Telegraph reported this week that Murdoch is apparently trying to offload his UK newspapers. Behaviour like this would make a skip the most obvious place to do that.

Gordon in the morning: Fake

Oh, simply everybody who, in a low light might look a little like someone famous has a sex tape, darling:

The quotes around 'fake' might suggest that there's some doubt over if the film really is Tulisa or not. The story makes it clear that there is no Tulisa sex tape, online or off.

In fact, the quotes would seem to belong to the word 'row' - as there doesn't seem to be one, just a swift legally-enforced takedown.

In effect, what Gordon and his typing chums -

By GARY O'SHEA and COLIN ROBERTSON, TV Editor

- have done is give over a large chunk of a "family" newspaper to describing a porn video with anonymous participants in it:

The film, from a high quality camera phone, shows a blonde performing a sex act for over six minutes.

A high quality camera phone, you say? Why, that sounds like the sort of equipment you'd only have access to if you were rich, or famous, or capable of having walked into a Carphone Warehouse at some point in the last few years.

Since Gary and Colin clearly aren't stupid, they know the video is just somebody else, but they're desperate to...well, fake it up:

Tulisa Contostavlos at centre of sex video storm

She isn't. She's on the edge of it.

The more interesting question is, if Gordon would be leading on the film, providing what sounds like a QVC sales pitch...:

An internet firm put the footage online, charging £3.90 to download it. The site was suspended yesterday afternoon.

... if it really was a film of Tulisa having sex. Would encouraging readers to seek out film of a named person fucking be the sort of invasion of that person's privacy that The Sun is pretending it doesn't do while Leveson is sitting?

Gordon in the morning: Not with a bang, but with a Twitter

Oddly, Gordon has detailed Ian Garland for today's plum job, cutting a pasting tweets between former members of N-Dubz to pad out the 'they've split, then" piece:

Accusing Dappy of misleading his followers, [Tulisa] wrote: "@TheDappy u know my number mate..I dont know urs cus u aint gave it 2 me since u changed it... so dont gass the fans, u wana talk Im here."

I suppose at least they're still following each other on Twitter. Tulisa could DM him, couldn't she? Although perhaps Dappy can't work out how to access them in the new Twitter interface.

Still: N-Dubz officially dead. Scientists now working on a cure for JLS.

Dappy arrested

The law will churn through the allegations that Dappy assaulted his girlfriend, possibly getting to the truth.

For the time being, though, let's just look at the opening to the Daily Mail story:

N Dubz singer Dappy was yesterday arrested on suspicion of assaulting his girlfriend.

The cousin of X Factor judge Tulisa Contostlavos was reportedly held for questioning after police were called out to the home of his girlfriend's mother.

He had a solo number one a couple of weeks ago, but he's really famous for being related to a judge on the X Factor. That might tell you something about the state of the music industry.

Fazer misguided

The Daily Mail has a big, splashy, flashy piece today about Tulisa out of N-Dubz and her relationship with Fazer out of N-Dubz:

Notoriously private about her personal life, new X Factor judge Tulisa Constavlos rarely opens up about any love interests.

And that dedication to privacy was stepped up yet further when she started dating N-Dubz band mate, Fazer (real name Richard Rawson).

But in an in-depth new interview, Tulisa has finally revealed her true feelings.

Wow. That's a pretty big scoop, Holly Thomas. They are very secretive, aren't they?

The pair have barely been apart since they formed N-Dubz with Tulisa's cousin (and Fazer's best friend) Dappy 12 years ago.

Yet their very secretive romance only began relatively recently.

How did Holly Thomas get this big scoop for the Mail?

Talking to The Sunday Mirror, Tulisa confessed: 'I'm really happy and have the best boyfriend- he's really supportive in what I'm doing with the show [X Factor]'

Oh. So you, erm, read it in the Sunday Mirror.

Still, never mind - this is clearly something your readers would want to know about. And you're sure what you read in the Mirror was right, yes?

Only... Tulisa spent a chunk of yesterday on Twitter pointing out that she'd never said who her boyfriend was:

What r all these tweets about fazer, I've spoke about my relationship, I neva said it was with him? Hmmm

Just as I suspected, I have never said I was in relationship with fazer, only said what my boyfriend meant 2 me, did not say who he was

So, it's a pity Holly Thomas read the Sunday Mirror, but didn't bother to read Tulisa's Twitterstream (or, even, make a phone call or two), because she could not only have saved herself from looking a bit stupid, but also actually had a bit of a story.

[Thanks to Michael M for the tip]

Gordon in the morning: Picking up the bill

This morning, Gordon is fuming at a booking for N-Dubz:

N-DUBZ will share a stage with some of music's biggest names - from 1992.

DAPPY, FAZER and TULISA are joined by EAST 17, ASWAD and The One And Only CHESNEY HAWKES on the bill for the Willow Music Festival, near Faversham, Kent, on May 29 and 30.

Surely this isn't the first time that Gordon has noticed festivals tend to have a mix of acts drawn from different points in their careers?

Still, he's not happy:

It's not a booking you would expect from a band on the verge of cracking America.

Well, no. It's the sort of booking you'd expect from a festival looking for an act to keep the kiddies happy, though.

Dappy and Fazer could get tips on maintaining a healthy image from East 17 geezer BRIAN HARVEY.

And Tulisa could talk career longevity with Chesney.

Hahahahahahahaha. That's funny. Although, as Gordon has just pointed out, Hawkes is playing a gig in 2010, so clearly does have some insight into how you keep a career spinning.

Gordon has more about N-Dubz, though:

Meanwhile, Twitter technical bods are monitoring Tulisa's repeated swearing on the social networking site.

If she doesn't watch her tongue, her account could be disabled.

Another rap on the knuckles for the naughtiest band in the charts.

That's just - if you'll forgive the word - bollocks, isn't it, Gordon? Why would "technical bods" be monitoring swearing?

Perhaps Gordon is getting confused messages - you could imagine that the management who are guiding N-Dubz might ask their children's entertainers to watch the effing and jeffing, but Twitter? Cursebird.com shows that there's a fair bit of rude daubings on Twitter.

Gordon in the morning: Perhaps you should have taken the day off

Always difficult to fill a newspaper on a Bank Holiday - even if you usually just make stuff up and copy out press releases - but Gordon's really scraping around today, splashing with a N-Dubz story that combines Frazer having some of his stupid jewelery robbed:

A source said: "He's gutted it was robbed in the scuffle. It cost him a lot of money and he wants it back.

"He's too embarrassed to go to the police. It's not the way he does things."

and this side-splitting story:

Although Fazer's dispossessing episode is no laughing matter, DAPPY being "nicked" yesterday is.

As the band were about to begin a book signing for Against All Odds at Lakeside in Essex, two officers led him away saying they needed to quiz him.

Once they'd got a horrified and confused Dappy into a private room, they announced: "April Fool!"

Dispossessing episode? Had Gordon briefly forgotten which paper he was typing for?

The idea of the joke is alright - clearly a 'you had to be there' moment rather than something you'd want to tell people about. Gordon, though, can barely contain his mirth:

Brilliant. That's something I would have loved to have seen. Can the comical bobbies reveal themselves please?

Oh, yes, please do. Maybe we could stage some sort of reconstruction.

The only thing that could improve on this is a long description of an even less funny joke.

TULISA was also stitched up yesterday.

Oh. Go on, then.

On the way to the signing their tour manager rang ahead to see how many fans were there. When he relayed "only about three," Tulisa wanted to cancel the event and go home.

She didn't realise it was a prank until they saw the 500-strong crowd waiting.

Oh, how they must have laughed.

Elsewhere in The Sun today - seemingly ignoring the idea that my enemy's enemy is my friend - the paper has a go at the nanny currently suing Heather Mills for constructive dismissal. The Sun perked up when the court case mentioned some photos the woman did as part of a modeling portfolio:

Mucca Nanny in mucky pics

Mucky pics, you say, The Sun? What would they be?

Sara Trumble, 26 - seen proudly posing in undies but who also had TOPLESS snaps taken for a portfolio.

Ah, so pictures of models with their breasts out are "mucky", are they? I don't really need to finish this thought, do I?

Gordon in the morning: About the footballs

You know what's more dull than the sports pages of The Sun? Kasabian turning the showbiz page into the sports pages:

[Tom Meighan says] "Capello has come in and, without going into too much detail, he's disciplined them and sorted things out.

He then goes into too much detail. For no apparent reason.

Let's hope we get JLS on the curling tomorrow.

In other news, Dappy from N-Dubz has been "hit in the face". By his girlfriend:

DAPPY fears his voice has been affected after he was allegedly hit in the face by girlfriend KAYE VASSELL.

Don't worry, Dappy. There's every chance that nobody will notice if your voice has been "affected".

His bandmates are there for him, though:

TULISA has jumped to her bandmate's defence after the incident.

She said: "It takes a lot not to hit a girl back - I wouldn't have been able to control myself."

Well, it probably takes a lot of Dappy not to, what with his record of attacking women and sending threatening texts to people he's never met.

Gordon in the morning: You don't listen to N-Dubz for the sense of musical history

Sweet joy for Gordon Smart today, as he finds someone with even less of a steady grip on popular culture than he has:

N-DUBZ star TULISA CONTOSTAVLOS proves she's got soul but she's no fan of THE KILLERS.

The singer confessed she had no idea the sample for the brilliant new War Child track which she features on was from All These Things That I've Done by the US outfit.

She confessed that. And asked for three other charges of not being able to tell U2 from Radiohead to be taken into consideration.

Tulisa and the rest of the Young Soul Rebelswill perform the song, I Got Soul, for the first time at Wednesday's MOBOs in Glasgow.

Ah, yes, Music of Black Origin - N-Dubz singing a song based around a Brandon Flowers piece. There's a celebration.

Still, it must be exciting for Glasgow, this week preparing to hold an event that it's pumped cash into to help shift the idea of Glasgow from being a crumbling, old-fashioned, bypassed city into something new and modern and a little multicultural. Isn't that right, Gordon?

I'll be there tapping my foot, drinking Irn-Bru and eating Tunnock's Tea Cakes.

Oh.

I suppose the good people of Glasgow can take comfort that he didn't mention hot battered confectionery. Although there's still time.

Elsewhere, Gordon manages to spin a lead article from the somewhat humdrum news that Kate Moss is now a member of the PRS.