Justin Hawkins laughs in face of Sun reunion claims

The Sun was confidently predicting earlier that The Darkness are about to reunite. Justin Hawkins says it isn't so:

[The Sun] also suggested that the group had bonded following the birth of drummer Ed Graham's son.

However, writing on Twitter about the speculation, Hawkins joked: "I was startled to read that I've been spending time with a small child that I didn't know existed! Congrats Ed, I think...

"Neither Dan nor I were aware of a 'bitter feud' that has lasted half a decade. We've been at war for over 30 years."

He added: "Whoever paid this 'source' should really ask for their money back, because what they have bought is essentially horse s**t. If there was any truth in the Darkness reunion rumour then it wouldn't be a rumour.

"However, delighted to read that The Sun would be glad to have us back. Warmed my cockles no end!"

Surely someone at the Sun should have asked themselves if it would be possible for Mr Hawkins to keep a reunion under his hat.

Gordon in the morning: Soliing football

Surprisingly, The Sun doesn't appear to have found any space to share the news that - despite what Jess Rogers reported last week, Tulisa Contostavlos doesn't have swine flu at all.

There is room, though, for the latest Lily Allen attempts to parse the entire world. She's moved on to football, like some sort-of attention-seeking Adrian Chiles with lipstick:

Ashley [Cole] fares little better and is accused of “soiling” football.

The chart-topper seethes: “He is the worst, he disgusts me. He jumps on everything that moves.

“I am not criticising just to criticise, but I have met him several times. He is revolting.”

[...]

The entire British footballing establishment, it seems, isn’t up to the singer’s exacting standards.

She thunders: “It’s ridiculous, I hate it. Footballers aren’t there to show off in London, but to play football.

“Mind you, they are probably too stupid to understand that. Especially the English ones.”

Footballers, she concludes, “go out everywhere they can find alcohol for too much money and sex for nothing.”

You know, she has a point. It's about time footballers started to behave a little less like chart-topping female singers.

Elsewhere, Gordon raises an eyebrow at the friendship between Justin Hawkins and Rita Peachey. Because Rita is 72.

Ah, yes, Gordon. The very idea of someone younger spending time with somebody in their 70s is just inherently amusing, isn't it?

SXSW 2009: Another round-up

You know what? It sounds like it's become fun again for Justin Hawkins:

The frontman, formerly of The Darkness, got a fan to hoist him onto his shoulders towards the end of the band’s 11pm (CST) show at Emo's Annex, with the fan making a circular walk around the venue while Hawkins played guitar.

Mind you, you have to watch it with using the fans as personal transportation devices. Those things break down on the motorway, and it's really hard to get spare parts.

Polly Jean Harvey remebered her manners after doing some stuff off the new album with John Parish:

Harvey thanked the packed Austin crowd, noting that it was her and the band's first time in the city, saying that they had been "having a really nice time".

Actually, PJ never having been to an SXSW before is more surprising than the supposed-surprising appearance of Kanye West. The LA Times never quite got round to answering its own question:

Is Austin excited about Kanye West?

But does point out that West's appearance is like introducing myxomatosis into the rabbit population of SXSW:

Kanye will have the attention of nearly every journalist in Austin tonight. Here's hoping he makes the best of it, as the three-hour window in which he's scheduled to perform will be pulling attention away from the hundreds of artists aching for a piece of the spotlight.

And so it proved.

Mind you, West did no more damage to the ecosystem than the lumbering presence of Metallica. It's a strange musical world when Rachel Ray seems less out-of-place at a festival than Lars Ulrich. But then Ray seems to be there for the fun, while for Metallica it long since started to just be a day job.

Pinning all their hopes on their trip to Texas was White Lies, who told XFM they saw this as their big chance to break America:

"Obviously we already have a label over here and they're working really hard for us," he explains, "but this festival is a great springboard. Our album's just coming out, we have a month of touring here after that and if the right people come to your show at SXSW it propels you into a different place. But who knows? It's a good thing to be a part of."

Well, yes, a good thing to be a part of. But it's not really going to replace the need to do the big slog round small cities to build an audience, is it? Indeed, with so many bloody acts turning up to play, you're almost faced with the same struggle to get attention bands usually face, only played out in a much smaller physical place. If every act in the world is there, you have to wonder if there's much point in bothering to turn up.

Justin Hawkins: It should have been me

Naturally, enjoying Scooch's desperate result on Saturday night was Justin Hawkins:

"I think Scooch lost because they were rubbish.

"The BBC shouldn't have put it forward. It was supposed to be different this year. The clues in the title, Eurovision Song Contest. It should have been a song."

It's all very well for Justin to condemn Scooch as rubbish, but it is worth remembering that, when given the chance to vote on potential entries, the British public decided that Hawkins was worse. Even Malta might have found it hard to hold its collective nose and swallow that one...

Eurovision: Was the public conned?

Justin Hawkins has dropped his outlandish claims that he was a victim of a racist British public when his rubbish song didn't win Making Your Mind Up, and instead thrown his weight behind the complaints that Scooch somehow 'cheated' by having backing singers offstage.

We're a little lost as to the point of these allegations. Apart from anything, you know what else, Justin? They weren't making the instrument noises with their mouths. The music was coming from somewhere else, too.

What's more: did Justin read what he was signing up for? It's a song contest, and you're meant to be judged on the best song, not the greatest performance. You can argue - and, oh, we would - that the great British Public wouldn't know a rubbish song if it moved in next door and stole their car, but if anyone can explain why you'd need to have all the singers on stage to be able to judge the quality of a song, we'll buy you a ticket to Helsinki.

(Actually, we won't, but we'd like to hear that, nevertheless.)

Hawkins: I'm a victim of racism

Apparently it hasn't occurred to Justin Hawkins that his failure to win the UK's Eurovision heat might be down to people not liking him or his song. Sure, it must be hard to go in two years from being the toast of the Brits to being rejected by te Making Your Mind Up audience, but even so, to then try and suggest he's been the victim of racism because he was working with Beverli Brown is really shabby:

“The United Kingdom must be either racist or stupid not to have voted for Big Brovaz or Beverlei Brown.

“It’s like when multi-award-winning, multimillion-selling LEMAR lost to DAVID ‘Three stars at Burger King’ SNEDDON in Fame Academy all those years ago. Nothing ever changes.

“The whole thing whiffed of a stitch-up.”

Victoria Newton is in pieces, so she is:

I really hoped Justin would win Saturday’s sing-off. Representing us at the contest in Helsinki this May would have been a nice way to mark his return to music after getting out of rehab.

Without wanting to be harsh, why should the UK public have its votes motivated by wanting to "do something nice" for someone coming out of rehab? Was there something in the rules we missed?

And having seen what a terribly bad loser Hawkins is - this shabby attempt to wrap himself in the cloak of the underdog and his childish storm-off when he found out his antics hadn't swung the vote - it's probably just as well that he was voted out at this stage, showing himself up, rather than embarrassing us at as a nation during Eurovision.

Meanwhile, the BBC has tried to delicately blame Terry Wogan for announcing the wrong winner on Saturday without actually upsetting him:

A BBC spokesman said: "Terry was given the right name down his earpiece. There was no technical problem."

They admitted the studio was noisy and emphasised Sir Terry was not being blamed for the mix-up.

Terry has been quite upbeat about it all:

Speaking on his BBC Radio 2 show, Sir Terry said: "Nobody died, it's a TV programme. It wasn't the general election. People got a bit confused."

"People" got confused, did they, Terry?

You start with Morrissey... and work your way down to this

Although Morrissey has ruled himself out of the Eurovision race, that doesn't mean Britain won't be represented in Helsinki by some top-flight entertainers.

Oh, actually: yes, it does. Justin Hawkins is going to be competing.

As is Natasha Hamilton - yes, Atomic Kitten's Natasha Hamilton.

And so are Big Brovaz. Yes, the poor man's Fugees (all phew, no gee) who are planning a comeback in early Spring.

Oh, and Brian Harvey, fresh from the newly rebroken East 17 and hoping that no rogue potato might frustrate him again.

And Scooch. Yes, Mike Stock and Matt Aitken's proof that Pete Waterman was the magic ingredient. They're embarking on a second comeback - you'll remember, of course, they reunited in 2004.

The only fresh face - the Chantelle in a room full of Prestons, if you will - is Cyndi. Such is the reek of old men at the youth club with the other contestants, we did make sure it was a new popstar and not Cyndi Lauper.

God help us all. We're backing France.

Darkness reforms

Earlier in the week, we had the prospect of a reunion falling apart before first rehearsal when Lee Roth and Van Halen called the whole thing off. Now, we've got a prospect of a band reuniting without actually having split, as The Darkness issue a flurry of press releases announcing they've reformed.

Reformed, although this is the same 'rest of the Darkness' left behind when Justin Hawkins quit, and who said back then they were keeping going. So we're not quite sure it counts as reforming - otherwise Oasis could say they've reformed when Liam Gallagher gets back from the cafe to spend ten minutes doing his vocals for an album.

It's hard to imagine the excitement a third Darkness album, only without the flamboyant one, will generate. We imagine HMV will already be wondering how to promote the release - can one do a cardboard cutout of someone nobody would recognise?