Lee Ryan: The man who pisses in the cells

Lee Ryan, trying to find some sort of reason for driving while drunk, refusing to give a sample, swearing at police and pissing in a cell, decided to use the defence that he was upset because he got a lot of online abuse after going on Celebrity Big Brother.

Because that sort of behaviour is the way to stop people on Twitter calling you a low-wattage cockgriddle.

Ryan explained pissing on the floor because he didn't know there was a toilet in the police station, although he appears to have been so drunk he might have had more credibility if he claimed he thought there was a toilet in the cell.

His Twitter feed has vanished overnight, but he still has some defenders on there:

"All rise" jokes about Lee Ryan being up in court will never not be funny <3

— sophie/soapy (@soapyhannah) May 3, 2014

Actually, I hadn't thought of that one. That's pretty funny, SoapyHannah.

Lee Ryan: I am not a monster

Have you ever smirked at Lee Ryan? You shouldn't, you know.

For all of you that take the Piss and don't care one day I promise you! You will regret it!!!! Have some empathy! Young souls.. Sad as it is

— Lee Ryan (@LeeRyanMusic) September 1, 2013

Consider yourself warned. Warned, I s... are you still smirking? Stop sniggering at the back.

Just so we're clear...

Lee Ryan is not a badger:

Yes I changed my picture to a badger. doesn't mean i am one I just feel like I need to show my support against the killing of them.

— Lee Ryan (@LeeRyanMusic) August 31, 2013

Gordon in the morning: Aah, aah, aah, aah

Let's leave Gordon's desk for a while, and look instead over at the Sun's health pages. They have news about a public education campaign:

THE Bee Gees hit Stayin' Alive is at the heart of a new campaign launched today — to save the lives of cardiac arrest victims.
[...]
It says that pumping the chest at between 110 and 120 beats per minute — the same rate as the 1978 hit — is more effective than a poor breath resuscitation attempt.

The charity is launching the TV campaign, backed by the UK Resuscitation Council, aiming to give people confidence to use the CPR technique.

Actor and former soccer ace Vinnie Jones will feature in the "Hard And Fast" ads showing people the proper way to do chest compressions in 40 seconds.

No word on what you should do when you reach the middle eight.

In other "news", Lee 'elpehants are dying' Ryan had been due to go into the Big Brother house but has apparently been dumped after asking for too much money.

It's a pity for Ryan - looking at the rest of the rumoured line-up (the other one from Pineapple Dance Studios; someone from The Only Way Is Essex; a couple of people who've actually appeared on terrestrial television some years back) it might have been the first time he'd have been the most famous person in a room.

He's going to be replaced by Romeo, who was one of the So Solid Crew but presumably has been selected on the strength of his more recent work, as a best man in Don't Tell The Bride.

Lee Ryan wants to be Robin Askwith

You might not want to read this if you have already had breakfast, as Lee Ryan wants to appear in porn:

"I'd love to do porn. I would! I think I'd be great. I'd be brilliant.

"I wouldn't stop though, that's the hard thing about being a porn star."

No, Lee, I think you'll find there's something else that's har... oh, never mind.

I can think of nothing more like to destroy the desired effect of a porn movie than having balloon-faced half-wit Lee Ryan suddenly loom into the scene.

Lee, though, seems to think he's some sort of hot dude:

: "There's lots to be jealous of in this industry - we're surrounded by beautiful women.

"I've been with people in the industry and not - and they both suck.

"It's just I haven't had one great relationship - every relationship I've had has been shit."

You've tried people in "the industry" - Lee, in case you don't know, has a job in the standing up and opening and closing his mouth in time to the backing track business - and you've tried people not in the industry, and yet every time it's shit. Have you thought what the one constant is in all your relationships, Lee?

Gordon in the morning: Lee Ryan is trying

At some sort of party to launch an games console, Lee Ryan apparently reminded us why he's known for miles around as the thinking person's vacuum of thought:

He tried pulling stunning MTV presenter LAURA WHITMORE at a Nintendo 3DS party with the opening line: "Are you f****** anyone at the moment?"

Knocked back by Laura - who is dating THE CORONAS singer DANNY O'REILLY - Lee added: "Usually I just say I'm in BLUE and that works."

Really? Saying "I'm in Blue" "works"? Does Lee Ryan understand that being looked at with a mixture of pity and concern and being told "never mind" isn't actually what adults think of as "being on a date"?

He can't be telling the truth, can he? Because that would mean that people would be more likely to have sex with him if they knew who he was.

Woot-ton: An exclusive Lee Ryan exclusive

However does Dan Wootton do it? He's only gone and managed to land an exclusive interview with Lee Ryan. I'll bet old Larry King is tearing strips off his researchers for having missed that one:

He's a top guy because, unlike many stars, he says exactly what he thinks - even if it means hitting out at a legend like GEORGE MICHAEL (most singers wouldn't dare). Lee said: "I actually had a song from George Michael called Medicine Man. He took it off me at the last minute. Thanks George, you wanker!"

It's not really being brave if you're not really capable of understanding the consequences of your actions, is it?

And, frankly, "George Michael thought that giving me one of his weaker songs would be a waste" isn't that great a claim, if you stop to think about it.

It's like a newsagents putting up a poster bragging "Cadburys wouldn't even let us sell their mis-shapes."

Still, there is some good news:

Lee also revealed the Blue reunion is on hold. "There were some issues with the label," he said.

Yes, there must have been. What with the world slapping a label on the plans that read "desperate, pointless and unwanted".

Gordon in the morning: Lee Ryan caught by the rozzers

As if the very idea of being hassled by the cops for smoking dope isn't amusing enough, Lee Ryan managed to get himself searched - outside the Mayfair Hotel, of all places - by accident:

A spokesman for Ryan said: "The police searched everyone who was around. Lee was in the wrong place at the wrong time."

This isn't the first time Ryan has been in the wrong place at the wrong time. He keeps wandering onto stages at times when people want to be entertained.

Gordon Smart keeps popping up on television during the commercials, mumbling about how brilliant The Sun's headlines are.

Yes, Gordon. No doubt people will be talking about this one down the pub:

Leona’s chic, JT’s a geek

People will speak of little else.

Simon Webbe saves the day

Somehow, it doesn't surprise us that Lee Ryan is the sort of person who needs to be saved from being hit by a bus.

But what on earth is Simon Webbe thinking of? Spending his time saving Lee Ryan when there are ELEPHANTS DYING? God, Ryan is going to be so angry.

Lee Ryan playing possum

Some surprising news from this morning's Sunday People. No, not that the Sunday People is still going - although, yes, that is pretty surprising in itself.

No, it's this:

Blue hunk LEE RYAN is busy learning the language of lurve after landing a role in the Italian version of hit movie, Ice Age 3.

Hottie Lee, who turned on 26 on Wednesday, flew out to record the voice of the character Eddie the possum for two days this week.

I know what you're thinking - "how bloody cheap must the people doing the dubbing into Italian be?"

The People's Katie Hind tries to explain this curious casting:

Lee won the role because Blue were one of the biggest bands Italy has ever seen.

One of the biggest bands Italy has ever seen, were they, Katie? And yet, surprisingly, for "one of the biggest bands" the country has ever seen, they only managed a single number one.

Blue anew

Sky's Showbiz website is suggesting that news of Blue reforming is like Marmite, in that some people will love it, and others will hate it. They don't actually suggest anyone who's going to like the news, though - perhaps members of 2wo Third3 might be a little cheered at the prospect that seemingly anyone can get the comeback call these days.

It's not known how Lee Ryan, Duncan James, was there one called Timmy or Tony?, and the other bloke or maybe two other blokes will find time in their busy solo careers to play dates together.

"Hey, it's not a hand carwash I'm working at here", said Anthony Costas, "any guy can take the money and press the button. Providing I make the time back up later, of course."

Duncan James - who, literally, ceased to exist in this dimension the moment Blue split - said he's looking forward to being corporeal again, if only for a couple of weeks. "I just hope I can remember the tricks... were we conjurers? We were, right?"

Simon Webbe - who spent time since the band split appearing as a comedy character in the 3AM Girls column before being moved downwards to a recurring role in the Andy Capp cartoon - is also keen to get out on the road again. "I've heard Bridlington is brilliant in the summer, and I'm sure a smaller town nearby in the middle of autumn will be just as good when we play there."

Lee Ryan was unavailable for comment, but we'll try and grab a word when he pops in to fill his bucket and ring out his chamois.

Lee Ryan: I didn't do it

Lee Ryan was in court today to enter a plea on charges relating to an assault on a taxi driver on New Year's Eve; he went with not guilty. He's back in court on the 7th May.

Ryan charged with assault

Lee Ryan, the intellectual powerhouse from Blue and notable solo success, has been charged with assaulting a taxi driver in Oxted, Surrey, on New Year's Eve.

He's due in court on February 29th. Yes, Lee, sometimes there are twenty-nine days in February.

Lee Ryan flees Liverpool

Lee Ryan had a "gig" (or, rather, he was going to sing a single song) in Liverpool, but after he'd hit on the wrong woman, a fight broke out and Ryan decided to head straight back to Lime Street.

This, of course, was at the Newz Bar.

Lee Ryan offers to butter loaves

You could almost love Lee Ryan, couldn't you? He's keen to open a restaurant, even although you'd hardly leave him in charge of opening a tin of beans:

"I'd love to open a restaurant in L A. I have had talks with a few London restaurant owners who might want to expand their brand and need help."

Yes. You're running a restaurant, you need help with branding - so you choose the 'who cares about 9/11 when elephants are dying' man. It's a natural choice.

Unwanted returns: Blue

Having discovered that, individually, nobody is that interested in them, Blue are hoping that getting Blue back together might allow them to make some ready cash in time for Christmas.

No word on what they're planning to do, but we'd suggest they look at trying the hand carwash business.

B list squared

Professional half-wit Lee Ryan has, apparently, managed to have half a date with Chanelle who walked out during Big Brother. Most humiliatingly for Lee, the Sunday Mirror reports this as if 'failed game show contestant' was pulling out of his league.

Security... SECURITY

Lee Ryan is so desperate to try and find some sort of limelight, he's now taken to hiding in the crowd at Simon Webbe gigs and jumping on stage for a singalong.

Simon Webbe is looking at doubling stagefront security.

Abs and sulky

More from Zoe. Last week, she broke exclusive news on Lee Ryan's unwanted comeback. This week, as if she's become the go-to-girl for washed up boyband pecs symbols, she brings news of Abs from 5ive. He's making a solo album; apparently Mutya has got involved in, too. Zoe thinks this a marriage made in the very heaven:

ABS Breen was always the edgy one in the boyband 5ive and Mutya Buena tried to liven up the Sugababes when she was in the girlband.

Well, yes, Abs may well have had more edge than the rest of 5ive, but that's like choosing the most menacing out of the cast of Dad's Army. And who knew that Mutya's permanent anti-cyclone crossing the Atlantic wasn't merely a decade-long sulk, but was her way of attempting to pep up the Sugababes. Fancy that, eh?

What a pity nobody will ever hear it

Lee Ryan seems to be so desperate to keep some sort of profile since he went to California that he's taken to ringing up the Sunday Mirror's Zoe column to give updates on his new life.

We'd assumed that, like most unskilled immigrants in Los Angeles, he'd be working in cleansing or perhaps harvesting fruit, but apparently he's making some sort of record:

"It's Steve Tyler from Aerosmith meets R&B crooner Michael McDonald - live instruments but no artifical beats."

Zoe reckons this is his second solo album; presumably the first one didn't sound so godawful as he's making number two sound, otherwise he'd never be allowed near a studio again.

Sadly, Ryan was called back to mop up a mess in aisle four before he was able to fill us in on where he stood on the Virginia Tech shootings compared with elephants dying.