Gordon in the morning: Leona Lewis hits 'desperate relaunch' button

Or, rather, Simon Cowell has.

With it starting to look like Leona Lewis was one single, Gordon Smart is reporting of a desperate bid to overhaul her offering:

I'm told: "Everyone at SyCo is determined to transform Leona into a global touring powerhouse.

She has proved she can sell millions of records, so the next logical step is for her to pack out arenas.

She's barely played any gigs at all at the moment. Oh - and "proving she can sell millions of records" is a bit of a stretch: she's shown she can sell a lot of one, heavily TV-promoted album, in Europe; in the US, Spirit did okay business but nothing stellar. It's like, I don't know, she was just parachuted in to the top of the showbusiness pecking order, and doesn't actually have any bedrock support underneath her.

Hence all the attempt to try and take a woman who has hardly ever done a live gig in her life and build a stadium event around her. It's clear that nobody in her organisation really believes her talent is enough:

[H]er record label have told her: "Money is no object."

Generally, if the label is pouring in cash to try and turn your show into a spectacle, it's an acknowledgment that you, on your own, aren't very spectacular at all.

So, Gordon: what's the big idea here:

She is teaming up with TRAVIS PAYNE, the dance guru behind MICHAEL JACKSON's ill-fated comeback gigs, for a spectacular 14-month world tour.

Aha. Who wouldn't want a man who helped dance Jackson into an early grave on board, eh? Nothing like working with somebody who has the words "ill-fated" on his CV.

Still, with all this money pouring in, there must be a clear, central proposition to the way Leona is going to be marketed, right?

The source added: "The Garden Of Eden theme will allow Leona to showcase two sides to her character: The angelic songbird, and the less well-behaved R&B vixen."

Ah. So, in other words: they haven't really got a clue, then, who she is, how to market her, or who might want to buy her music. No wonder the plan is to just throw money at the problem.

Meanwhile, Gordon clacks his teeth at the behaviour of her-from-Powder's daughter:

The daughter of BUSH frontman GAVIN ROSSDALE and singer-cum-designer PEARL LOWE stripped to her undies to shamelessly plug her new MTV documentary Daisy Lowe In 24 Hours.

Despite her shamelessness, Gordon did manage to find it in himself to run the pictures and plug the programme, though. So, that's alright then.

Gordon in the morning: Boosting brand Beckham

Ah, the decline of the brand, as Mr and Mrs Beckham are forced to do a crossover picture of themselves in their pants in the hope that the two of them will still have some novelty value.

Gordon Smart tries to make it seem exciting:

In one shot David - wearing just his Armani pants - lies under his wife as she seductively rests her hand on his bare chest.

But even Gordon knows that the photos are sexy only if you're turned on by the idea of two dead dollies lying on top of one another.

Even the link from the front of Bizarre tries to stifle a yawn:

Couple get their kit off AGAIN

Although, oddly, it's still Gordon's main story.

Gordon in the morning: Heavy pants

At last, something to distract Gordon from Amy Winehouse's holidays: Victoria Beckham doing a bloke's underwear shoot:

Posh in kecks

That's actually quite good, although it's a pun that only really works in Scotland; come down too far into England and kecks move from being underwear to outerwear and the pun breaks.

But can Gordon keep it up?

She peeled off to briefs and a, er, Posh-up bra for shots inspired by 1950s cinema.

Posh-up bra?

Bust what I was after ... Victoria in Armani ad

Okay, stop now.

Is there very much for Gordon to do other than try to stop getting it on the photos?

Becks, nicknamed Goldenballs, was at the shoot near their LA home.

Clearly not - "nicknamed Goldenballs"? Even if anyone had called him that since, ooh, 1973, why on earth would you mention that? And isn't "Becks" a nickname itself?

A year ago, Leona Lewis insisted she was going to concentrate on music and not muck about with fashion or perfume or autobiographies. Gordon reports this morning that she's just signed up for the perfume, with the clothing line and book already in preparation:

Well, a year is a long time in the life of a superstar.

She obviously has loads of exciting new stories to share, and a more mature sense of style and smell.

That's the most sardonic thing I think I've ever seen in Bizarre. Well, written about someone they still need to be nice to.

Elsewhere, Holly Valance's career has stalled so badly she's now at the desperately begging Hugh Hefner for a Playboy spread stage:

I would definitely consider doing Playboy if it was tasteful. I’d consider topless too if it was perhaps in black and white.

Ah. So she's begging to go in the world's most famous skin magazine and... you know, providing it was slightly arty, she might even take her shirt off. What sort of magazine does she think Playboy is?

Gordon in the morning: Advent

I'm not sure why, but I'm getting the feeling Gordon might be a bit low on stuff to share with us today. Just a feeling, mind. Can't put my finger on why.

It's the most wonderful time of the year: that countdown to Christmas where Gordon Smart does his best to spoil Christmas surprises:

Secret for Victoria, David?

DAVID BECKHAM looks like he’s trying to Spice up his sex life — by buying undies for wife VICTORIA.

Becks, 33, and son Romeo, six, were seen holding bags from lingerie store Victoria’s Secrets in New York — also with Brooklyn, nine, and Cruz, three.

Not much of a secret now, is it?

Noel Gallagher has brought some of his trademark wit to respond to Status Quo's suggestion that Oasis are quite dull on stage and, since Smart seems to have confused Gallagher and Murdoch and lets him treat the Bizarre column as his personal fiefdom, he runs Noel's response in full:

“Normally I wouldn’t give a rat’s arsehole what Status Quo have got to say about anything.

“But tell those ****s from me that when I go on stage at Wembley next summer, I won’t be wondering about what the poster boys for Help The Aged think.”

Ha-ha. They're old, you see. There's nothing like 'you're older than me' as an amusing comeback from a rock star in his 40s.

You know what would be great, though? If there was some way we could conflate Noel's stance with everyday Bizarre stuff... a crossover... if only there was some way...

Gordon in the morning: Swearing in

It's possible it's built on intelligence as solid as that which led him to claim Joss Stone was recording Obama's campaign song, but Gordon reckons that Leona Lewis is going to sing at the inauguration:

LEONA LEWIS did well out of a public vote – triumphing in The X Factor in 2006.

Another fella who’s not come out of a recent popularity contest too badly is America’s President-elect BARACK OBAMA.

And it looks like the pair’s paths will cross in spectacular fashion.

See how thoughtful Gordon is, explaining who Barack Obama is in case any of his readers might have missed the election?

Gordon trills about how popular Leona is - although, yesterday, Lefsetz suggested she is "not a star in America". But even an inauguration needs an undercard.

The recharting of the album at number one catches Gordon's eye:

The repackaged version of the chart-topper’s hit album Spirit raced to the top of the album charts here again yesterday.

The double-disc now features the star’s much-loved cover of SNOW PATROL’s hit Run.

Oddly, this somewhat neutral report seems to have lost some of the anger over the padding out of the record in this way that Smart had last week:

Angry fans were yesterday claiming bosses made a U-turn on the download plan to force people to spend more cash on the physical album re-release.

My insider revealed: "If that’s the case, the Leona camp will be furious. Given the choice of a single or double No1, I know what they would have preferred."

Are the fans no longer angry? Was what was a nasty con last week somehow now alright as its finagled a number one?

Suzanne Shaw out of Hear'Say is rebuilding her career, advertising the scratchy take on sexy pants that awkward men will buy for their girlfriends from Asda on Christmas Eve. Gordon has got hold of some of the photos and, oddly, turns in to Lance Percival:

I SAY! Former HEAR'SAY star SUZANNE SHAW looks on song as she launches a Christmas lingerie range – by unwrapping HERSELF.

Meanwhile, Lily Allen has been on a waterslide. Can Gordon and his team come up with a witty headline?

It's a thrilly for Lily

No.

Jackson attempts to get into the closet

You'd have thought that, if you were most famous for having a "wardrobe malfunction", you might not be the best person to head up a clothing brand. Janet Jackson is going to give it a try, though, flogging sexy undies.

She's calling her pants and bras line The Pleasure Principle, after one of her hits. There are currently no plans in place for a range of chastity belts called Let's Wait A While.

Gordon in the morning: Doctor Gordon is in

Gordon Smart had decided that it's been too long that Amy Winehouse has been in the hospital, and that we should have a diagnosis. So, he's given us one. Coughing up blood, weight loss, lack of appetite? It's TB, claims Gordon. Sorry, a pal.

Carol Cooper, the Sun doctor, is wheeled in to point out that addicts get TB, while Gordon gets cofused over if he's talking to a "pal" or a "source":

The source said:[...]"The word tuberculosis might frighten her into getting herself well. It certainly should do.

"She needs to realise she will die if she she doesn’t clean up her act."

Gordon's "source" perhaps not quite understanding the whole "being addicted to something" deal here, then.

Elsewhere, in what might be the most pointless thing Smart's ever run, there's a picture of newly-pregnant Charlotte Church in a petrol station, which seems to have been published purely for this line:

Now she has a new pump, er, bump.

He wrote that. With pens.

Although Gordon was fascinated by Will Smith's penis yesterday, he's handed David Beckham's cock over to "US editor" Emily Smith to deal with. Emily reports "there is a poster advertising pants with David Beckham in" under the bemusing headline:

Becks BIGGER than the Beatles

We know it's meant to be a reference to the supposed size of his knob, but why on earth would you need to mention the Beatles? It's not like the story underneath has any mention of the group; or that the advert is hanging near a picture of Lennon; or that it distracted people from a Ringo Starr book signing. It's like the paper was so keen to mention that David Beckham's cock looks big when he stuffs god-knows-what into his bathhouse knickers, they had no blood left in their head to write a headline that makes sense.

Miley Cyrus bra peep-holes

Funny, isn't it? Nobody is actually running photos of a fifteen year-old girl showing a bit of underwear; they merely feel the need to run the pictures of Miley Cyrus showing her bra to illustrate stories about how the pictures are all over the internet.

Of course, there's nothing pornographic about the pictures, it's just the pictures have no business being in the public domain and it's hard to see how anyone over the age of 16 could be seeking them out without feeling a little seedy.

And it's not entirely surprising that she wears a bra, is it? Indeed, she's been happy to offer advice to Montana fans on that all-important first bra purchase.

Gordon in the morning: One for the ladies

Do you remember Gordon launching a "league for overpaid footie stars who wear crap clobber"? No, us neither, and it's funny that such a snappy title for such a fascinating idea would have somehow failed to fix itself into our consciousness.

We're going to find it hard to forget Gordon picking the subject up today, though, as the lead story in Bizarre is given over to a long discussion of Andriy Shevchenko's underwear. It's fair to say Gordon spends a lot of time thinking about what Andriy has in his shorts:

Chafe-chenko wears a thong
[...]
wearing a pair of PETER STRINGFELLOW-style undercrackers
[...]
the Ukrainian striker was spotted on a posh golf course bending over to reveal a little black thong
[...]
a group of golfers on a nearby tee spotted the suspicious G-string
[...]
A thong on a golf course is a rare sight
[...]
wear women’s underwear
[...]
gentlemen’s thongs
[...]
the same trick on his panties
[...]
like a thong

Clearly, Gordon has thought about this a lot. Almost as if he's somehow unable to get the thong out of his head:

my computer wizards have mocked up how Andriy might look sporting one while in action for the Blues.

And there's nothing wrong with asking an artist to draw a picture of a sportsman wearing a thong if you've got a strong story like, erm, golfing rivals claiming they think they might have just spotted the top of a g-string peeking out of his trousers. Hey, Gordon, did you ever wonder what Sid from Skins would look like in a bikini brief?

Meanwhile, Gordon has decided that "Kylie's latest bid to crack the US" (crack, again?) has failed, although we're not sure a couple of songs on Dancing With The Stars quite constitutes the full push for American hearts and minds; I'm guessing Kylie might have expected it to be a little more work than that.

And can anyone spot what's unusual about Gordon's story about Winehouse this morning?

Meanwhile, it emerged Amy could appear at this year’s Glastonbury festival – controversial headline choice JAY-Z wants the Rehab singer to perform with him.

Yes, of course: that would be the Jay-Z who, in two lead stories last week, Gordon swore was pulling out of Glastonbury because he'd got the hump with being blamed for poor ticket sales. So he's lining up Amy to play with him in a set which isn't going to happen, is he, Smart?

Gordon in the morning: The new sudoku

It's interesting to note that the Sun's Heather Mills coverage over the last couple of days, which has historically been co-posted under the Bizarre heading online, hasn't been shared with Gordon's column. Which is odd, you'd have thought he'd have liked having something about a person with a porn past on his part of the website.

In the paper, the lead is claims that Lily Allen got asked to not sing Fulham songs in the West Ham director's box, after having had a bit too much pre-match hospitality. Gordon's source tuts:

She was singing Fulham chants really loudly and her language was not suitable for a football match these days.

These days. As in 'since football became too expensive for the riff-raff', presumably.

Gordon also has a probably-baseless story about Blake begging Amy for money for drucks via some sort of third-party bank account - although, unusually for the Bizarre column, there's actually a sourced comment to back this one up:

Pentonville’s security chief Andy Watts has written to Blake’s solicitors warning: “There is strong and supported intelligence he is involved in attempting to smuggle drugs into the prison.”

Goodness. We bet they had to send someone off to the reporter's desk to ask how you phrase it when you're not making up keeping the source of quote anonymous.

No word of how Gordon has become privy to a letter from Pentonville to a solicitor, you'll note. Perhaps the security of the prison isn't all it should be.

For the Bank Holiday weekend, though, there's a special online feature:

Match star to the push-up bra

No, really.

We're pretty certain number five is Gordon himself, but we didn't want to look too closely.

Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail office

- Look, we've just had these pictures of Suzanne Shaw in her knickers
- Brilliant! Let's run with them
- Hang on a minute, we're a newspaper. We're not The Sun. We can't just run a picture of a half-naked woman because she used to be in Hear'Say. There would have to be a proper news angle before we can put them all over the paper
- Is 'woman wears white knickers, matching bra' a news angle?
- No, not really
- Hey, look at this old picture of Suzanne Shaw...
- What?
- That bit there...
- Oh yes...
- Is that news?
- It's near enough... scan 'em in...
- I've got the headline: Woman has tattoo airbrushed out in advertising photos!
- How about:

Makeover magic for Dancing on Ice winner Suzanne Shaw as her tattoo is airbrushed out for sizzling lingerie shoot

- If we can find a way to blame this on the BBC, we might get the front page...

Gordon in the morning: Girls Aloud v Atomic Kitten as McFly say goodbye

The ongoing ructions from the claims about what Ashley Cole may or may not have done are dominating the pop gossip agenda this morning, but that's in the hands of another writer.

Luckily, Gordon can keep himself busy with some pictures of Atomic Kitten in their knickers. We'd think there was a stench of desperation about a band who feel people are only going to notice their reunion if they dance about in push-up bras. (Actually, fair dos to Jenny Frost, who has chosen to dress a little more demurely.)

And while we're being fair, Gordon does have a cracking story this morning, with the news that McFly are trying to grow up:

The lads - TOM FLETCHER, DANNY JONES, DOUGIE POYNTER and HARRY JUDD - have decided the time has come to grow up and shake off the shackles of being a boy band.

Yes, they're planning to leave Island and get serious. Indeed:

They have instructed management to hunt out a new deal similar to the one PAUL McCARTNEY signed with coffee giants Starbucks.

We really hope that they're not expecting Starbucks to treat their demo tape like it came from one of the most famous musicians from the biggest group of all time. Indeed, they might want to lower their sights from Starbucks to something more akin to, perhaps, those Let's Eat people who have the trollies on trains.

Of course, being Gordon, he has to ruin a good story by shoehorning in a lousy pun:

I can just see the McFly boys sitting in their three-quarter-length trousers in Oz planning to “do a RADIOHEAD” and release an album on t’internet.

Boys, if you want to keep flogging millions of CDs, stick to what you do best.

The only way is down (load) from here.

The use of 't'internet'; the suggestion that what Radiohead did that was noteworthy was "releasing an album on" it - as if there aren't thousands of albums released on the web every week - and all just leading up to a weak pun. The warning itself is a good one, though.

Sophie puzzled by Spice Girls strip

Sophie Ellis-Bextor has a problem with the Spice Girls' new video:

"I don't like the video.

"I don't understand why they're singing in their underwear when they're talking about friendship.

"They are supposed to be singing about being friends - why do they have to be in their bra and pants to do that?"

Normally, we'd suggest that it was something to do with trying to flog singles, but... Geri Halliwell in her pants isn't going to sell very much of anything, is it?

Still, we're surprised at Sophie's confusion... perhaps she might need to search her memory to find the link between 'promoting records' and 'being in your skimpies'?

Kill Rock Stars crush private bits

The good people at Kill Rock Stars are trying to offload too-small pants:

So, I know you've been waiting for it. Here's the Tiny Underwear Part of the Sale. We actually didn't mean to make the underwear be this tiny, but since they are, we thought we'd draw attention to it since there are no returns on underwear, for obvious reasons.

Kill Rock Stars - Star Logo Girl Hot Pants $13
t White Kill Rock Stars Star Logo on Black Hot Pants/Underwear. Sizes are tiny and there are no returns on underwear, so don't say I didn't warn you. For a size chart, go to (size chart) And click on N73, women's hotpants. I'm generally a women's medium or large (size 8 or 9 in women's pants) and I would probably wear a 2XL in these sizes. They are similar to the American Apparel sizing, which is to say, they are for small/slender adults or children. We are sorry about this and hope to get some bigger underwear soon. Please send us suggestions for sweatshop free ethical companies to order them from! In the meantime we hope you can find ways to enjoy these tiny underwear. If they fit you, great, we just want to make it clear that we know not all adults are this tiny! Body image freak out=it's not you, these are too small for most adult women.

Now we know where all Janice Battersby's dodgy work ends up...

Sarah Harding: It's just pants

Sarah Harding has stripped down to her underwear to help flog bras and pants for Ultimo, reports the Daily Mail, barely able to contain itself:

Girls Aloud star Sarah Harding showed off her curves today in a new campaign for Ultimo lingerie.

The blonde singer posed in black and white underwear from the brand's spring-summer collection.

The Mail is clearly happy to see a singer in a band with a large following amongst kids dancing about in her scanties - even printing the pictures in a family newspaper.

Oddly, though, the Mail is outraged that Angellica Bell has appeared in her scanties for FHM, and that the BBC hasn't "disciplined" her. (It's not clear what the paper has in mind - we're assuming they're thinking of a scarlet letter.)

So, apparently, it's okay for a young girl's role model to be photgraphed in her underwear, providing that they aren't employed by the BBC. Hope that's clear, then.

More Knickers From Kylie

According to Hello (which, we guess, just copies these things straight from press release), the new Kylie pant range has, indeed, been designed and "overseen" by Ms Minogue. Kylie is rather proud of her new clothes:

"LK Legs are for all women, whether it's the sexy secretary or screen icon look you're adopting," observed the singer.

Sexy secretary and screen icons. Yes, we've thought for several minutes and can't think of any other look a woman might want to adopt. Some designers might try and straitjacket people into one type of role, but Kylie gives a choice. Viva Kylie.

Just pants

As if the BPI didn't have enough to worry about with the threat to every single musician ever caused by the internet, now they're having to worry about musical knickers, too. Apparently the tune-filled underwear threatens to leave popstars unable to eat this Christmas.