Gordon in the morning: A wing of ITV PR

There's not really much in the Bizarre pages today, which makes it all the more obvious just how badly Gordon relies on the ITV press office feeding him filler is - there's three non-stories about Dancing On Ice, and an awful bit on the launch of a post-show programme for Take Me Out. Yes, Take Me Out:

ESSEX lothario Mark Wright is on a self-imposed dating ban to keep him out of the grasp of girls on his new Take Me Out show.

This is listed as a "TV exclusive by Lucy Connolly" - I suppose it's exclusive on the basis that nobody else would touch it with a long pole:

He said: "Take Me Out girls may be looking for Mr Right — but it's not Mark Wright.

"I'm single but there is no way I am dating anyone from the show. I'm working and I am too professional. It's not happening."

Man who struggles to deliver a line in the trail for a programme on ITV2 spun off a programme on ITV which nobody watches says that he won't be dating people who haven't even shown any interest in him. That's quite an exclusive.

Ice ice baby

Vanilla Ice is, apparently, on the shortlist for Dancing On Ice. Although, sadly, he isn't the "Ice" upon which the dancing will happen.

Dancing On Ice: This is the "best ever" line-up apparently

To be fair to ITV, their fairly pointless Strictly-on-Ice has struggled so badly to attract stars over the last couple of years, when they say the 2010 cast is the best ever, they're not fibbing.

Danny Jones!

Even if we told you he was in Corrie, you might struggle a bit. He was Mike Baldwin's younger grandson, the one they had to write out fairly sharpish due to his frightening similarity to a ventriloquist's dummy. Only without the abilty to deliver lines.

Kieron Richardson!

It helps with these things, if you don't know, to guess Hollyoaks. Sooner or later, you'll be right.

Peter Shilton!

The England goalie (who wasn't blind in one eye) turned goalkeeping glove magnate turned... well, nothing much, apparently.

Ruth Langsford!

"This Morning host" it says here, although clearly not one of the main ones.

Sharron Davies!

Yes, she's actually still sort-of-quite famous, and nobody's going to mention The Big Breakfast.

Emily Atack!

Because even a role in an E4 sitcom makes you stand out amongst this crowd.

Gary Lucy!

There's always a Bill in this, like Strictly always has an EastEnder.

Bobby Davro!

Currently playing second-fiddle to Mickey Rooney in Milton Keyne's panto. He'll go out in week one, anyway.

Hilary Jones!

Doctor On Ice: The 'Doctor' film they somehow didn't bother to make.

And, finally, the two vaguely connected with music:

Sinitta!

(Although now the 'occupation' part of her passport reads 'Simon Cowell's ex')

and...

Heather Mills!

Let's hope the judging doesn't go against her, or it'll be a drenching for Philip Schofield.

To be fair, Heather Mills is still kind of famous. If anyone bothers to watch, we'd be interested to know how many mentions of her cafe on Brighton seafront turn up.

Well done, the British education system

Holy Moly reproduces an exchange from London Lite:

LONDON LITE: Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama?
SUZANNE SHAW: I'm going to be honest with you, I've never heard either of these names before.

You might have hoped that at least 'Clinton' might have rung a very, very faint bell somewhere in her mind.

It's not even the all-you-can-eat ignorance buffet of not recognising two of the most-talked about names of the year; it's the lack of the ability to be able to formulate a quick face-saving response along the lines of "really, is there any difference?" or "faced with that sort of choice, I'd rather eat my own shoes".

Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail office

- Look, we've just had these pictures of Suzanne Shaw in her knickers
- Brilliant! Let's run with them
- Hang on a minute, we're a newspaper. We're not The Sun. We can't just run a picture of a half-naked woman because she used to be in Hear'Say. There would have to be a proper news angle before we can put them all over the paper
- Is 'woman wears white knickers, matching bra' a news angle?
- No, not really
- Hey, look at this old picture of Suzanne Shaw...
- What?
- That bit there...
- Oh yes...
- Is that news?
- It's near enough... scan 'em in...
- I've got the headline: Woman has tattoo airbrushed out in advertising photos!
- How about:

Makeover magic for Dancing on Ice winner Suzanne Shaw as her tattoo is airbrushed out for sizzling lingerie shoot

- If we can find a way to blame this on the BBC, we might get the front page...

See you on the ice? Maybe not, Mumba

Samantha Mumba - whose Harvey Goldsmith arranged comeback was such a success she's reduced to appearing in ITV's Strictly Come Dancing On Ice - might actually not even manage that: She's collapsed before the first programme. The Mirror describes it as:

a mystery illness

and, also, as a slightly-less mysterious:

Doctors hooked up a drip to the singer, 24, who appeared to have severe flu symptoms and dehydration.

She's determined to go on, though. ITV have taken precautions:

Studio bosses have ordered extra medics and equipment to be on standby in case Samantha is taken ill at Sunday's show.

Extra medics? Really? In case one woman needs a drip?
It's bad news for ITV if she does drop out, of course:

Samantha is one of the favourites to win the show after Gareth Gates and Hollyoaks actor Chris Fountain.

- in other words, she's one of the few participants who people might have heard of.