Woot-ton: Actually, that's how Facebook works

FrankMusic has split up with Holly Valance, and Dan Wootton reveals its serious:

"I've deleted her off Facebook, I'm not making her album - I'm done with her now. One day she'll realise she was really flaky."

Wow. Deleted her off Facebook. That'll show her. Although given that she dumped you, she probably won't even notice. Unless she really needs 12 people to send the results of 'what kind of tree are you' to before she can get her own results.

Gordon in the morning: Heavy pants

At last, something to distract Gordon from Amy Winehouse's holidays: Victoria Beckham doing a bloke's underwear shoot:

Posh in kecks

That's actually quite good, although it's a pun that only really works in Scotland; come down too far into England and kecks move from being underwear to outerwear and the pun breaks.

But can Gordon keep it up?

She peeled off to briefs and a, er, Posh-up bra for shots inspired by 1950s cinema.

Posh-up bra?

Bust what I was after ... Victoria in Armani ad

Okay, stop now.

Is there very much for Gordon to do other than try to stop getting it on the photos?

Becks, nicknamed Goldenballs, was at the shoot near their LA home.

Clearly not - "nicknamed Goldenballs"? Even if anyone had called him that since, ooh, 1973, why on earth would you mention that? And isn't "Becks" a nickname itself?

A year ago, Leona Lewis insisted she was going to concentrate on music and not muck about with fashion or perfume or autobiographies. Gordon reports this morning that she's just signed up for the perfume, with the clothing line and book already in preparation:

Well, a year is a long time in the life of a superstar.

She obviously has loads of exciting new stories to share, and a more mature sense of style and smell.

That's the most sardonic thing I think I've ever seen in Bizarre. Well, written about someone they still need to be nice to.

Elsewhere, Holly Valance's career has stalled so badly she's now at the desperately begging Hugh Hefner for a Playboy spread stage:

I would definitely consider doing Playboy if it was tasteful. I’d consider topless too if it was perhaps in black and white.

Ah. So she's begging to go in the world's most famous skin magazine and... you know, providing it was slightly arty, she might even take her shirt off. What sort of magazine does she think Playboy is?

Gordon in the morning: He's been to the newsagent

Gordon, as a general rule of thumb, people who really do have a brilliant career in the US you'll know about; if someone - like, say, Holly Valance (remember her?) turns up and tells you that they're doing really well in America, it generally means that "doing well" is "the landlord has agreed to wait until next month for the rent".

Not that Holly Valance has told Gordon anything; his big online splash is actually lifted from FHM. Yes, Holly Valance and FHM are both still going. Who knew?

In the paper, though, Bizarre leads on the on-the-spot reports from another person whose portmanteau career has turned out to be all port and no manetau - Vinnie Jones. He was "caught up in" the Los Angeles earthquake earlier in the week. And, although "caught up in" means "was there when it happened", Gordon is happy to run Vinnie's report:

“It was my first earthquake. I was 14 floors up and doing an interview when I could feel the building start to sway. I looked out over LA and the whole place was shaking.

“It was a strange feeling when it kicked off. I felt a bit sea-sick and it made my legs go weird.

“I didn’t know if I should run for the door or just keep staring out the window. Looking back, if the tower block had come down that would have been it for me. I don’t want to be a part of that again in a hurry.”

Well, yes: if a tower block which you were in fell down, it would be tragic for you. But it didn't, mainly because buildings in LA are meant to be able to cope with eartquakes. Given where they are.

In effect, Jones experienced something interesting but his inability to verbalise it makes it less informative even than the USGS page.

Google-eh?

Whoever was looking for "pictures of Holly Valance and Britney Spears having lesbian sex" - what other sort of sex could they have been having? And... did you really expect to find it?

"She does look a bit slaggy"

The TV watchdogs the ITC have harrumphed loudly over an edition of CD:UK which featured Christina and Valance.

Not together, you understand. God, no. Separately. It was too much for thirteen viewers, who complained it was inappropriate for kids' TV. The ITC didn't actually agree, but decided to issue a warning to be careful in the future.

Looks like the planned Christmas premiere of Britney's cover of Fuck Like A Beast may be scrapped.

Engaging

Holly Valance keeping her engagement hush-hush by only allowing her record company top confirm it to one huge-selling British tabloid.

Neighbours from hell

We've had Kylie II in Holly Valance. Now, prepare yourself for Delta Goodrem - the not-quite-as-good Natalie Imbruglia.

The Holly and the why me?

We lift our hat to the good people at The [Australian] Age for the headline on their Ms Valance piece - Holly's semi-nude baptism of fire (would a flaming baptism be worsened by semi-nudity? would full nudity be better?), and since we've got our hat off, we'll bang our head a little bit, too. Holly wonders why - when there are a lot of female singers out there - she always gets compared to Kylie. The Age does its best to fill her in: "They both cut their teeth in Neighbours, and since Kiss Kiss, Valance is close behind (if you will) in the race for the most celebrated posterior in pop. Both are also Melbourne girls.

But the two Ramsay Street alumni also owe a debt of gratitude to the same songwriter: Rob Davis, who has penned Valance's sumptuous new single Down Boy, was also responsible for Can't Get You Out Of My Head, the number-one hit that reignited Kylie's career last year. (Davis also co-wrote Groovejet (If This Ain't Love), which propelled Sophie Ellis Bextor into pops upper echelons.) And if truth be told, Can't Get You Out Of My Head and Down Boy (the video which has Valance getting comfortable on a large bed with a variety of male and female chums) do share a certain robotic sensuality. Shall we go on? Apparently, that isn't similarity enough for Vallance. "You can't compare what we do" she fires back, getting tetchy. Okay, maybe

Dannii might be a more apt yardstick, but even so...
Interestingly, Holly would rather be comapred to Natalie Imbruglia, and yet at the same time, she claims she's "only" going to have an eight year career in pop (so, that's about sixteen times as long as Natalie, then).

"The previous day, [Valance tells the Age] she was cornered in a London restaurant by a gang of children screaming, "Show us your bum!" The singer says she found the experience "pretty upsetting, to tell the truth".

When the Sunday People asked pretty much the same thing, though, she was happy to oblige and readers of the Sunday Tabloid were treated to a glossy poster of the results over their breakfasts yesterday. You may now wonder idly why a bunch of kids could presume to think that Holly would want to flash them.