Showing posts with label liveblog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label liveblog. Show all posts

Saturday, May 22, 2021

Liveblog: Eurovision 2021

1.30pm

Someone asked me a few days back on Twitter if I was going to do this, this year; and I said I was quite prepared to interpret that as "overwhelming public demand". The exchange has since disappeared from my timeline, and I'm presuming that the person responsible has gone into hiding to avoid retribution from their friends and neighbours.

It's all too late, though, as here we all are. Back, again.

I'm not sure about the idea that Eurovision is rebooting live music after the pandemic - it's a bit like professional sports putting the Olympics and FA Cup on hold and giving the first outing to Jeux Sans Frontières instead. (And I know that the Brits organisers probably grind their teeth that, having done their best-show-albeit-with-a-low-bar-to-clear in about a decade, and having had a large crowd, the narrative is still that this is the kick-off point for The Comeback of Live Audiences. It's not enough to be first, darlings, you must be flamboyant enough for people to believe you're the first, and the hard work put in by Dua Lipa can be so easily erased by Lewis Capaldi having been left alone with a lager top before he takes to the stage.)

As usual, I've gone out of my way to try and avoid coming across any of the entries before tonight, so that I can look at them through fresh eyes. Not unjaundiced eyes; I've not looked at anything like that since about the time the BBC stopped Teddy Edward reruns. But fresh eyes.

So... back here, later, then to see if we can all remember how to watch music. 


7.30pm

BBC One is warming us up for an evening of shall-we-say magic with that odd 'can you tell who is a good singer by looking at them' show; the weirdest format of them all since the answer is obviously 'no, all you can do is guess'. There's a contestant saying that it's really easy if you're a good salsa dancer to add some lipsyncing to it. They're saying it with a degree of confidence that is impressive, but almost certainly misplaced.

Still, it's nice to see a programme where being a shit singer doesn't make you a target for ridicule.

7.45pm

Elsewhere, the Glastonbury livestream is providing a realistic experience as nobody seems to be able to get to see the bands they were hoping for, although it's invalid code messages rather than slow-moving crowds traipsing through mud that's blocking people from getting in front of Wolf Alice.

7.55pm

The only thing that makes no sense about I Can See Your Voice is that... even bad singers aren't bad as the bad singers here. I mean, the woman who has just done a Debbie Harry bit is so comically bad even Gareth Malone might just shake his head and say 'maybe stand at the back and open and close your mouth in time with the tune'.

8.00pm

And we're offffffffffffff!

It's a montage!

A Eurovision montage of people doing things outdoors. How we've missed you, Eurovision montages.

And now we're in the studio, which seems to be a tribute to Jailhouse Rock. In Space.

Oh, and it's the Olympic-style walk-on of all the artists...

8.05pm

Switzerland appear to have sent Michael McIntyre along. And didn't quite catch what nation that was, but the trio all in lemon make me fear we're in for a very long night indeed.


Oooh... is Graham Norton signalling the number of Instagram followers one contestant has as a subtle way of suggesting she's got international support that could swing the evening for her?

Shots of the audience in what I'm trying to not think of as a massive plague pit.

The bloke presenter has got a gravity-defying haircut. It is literally ALL the backcombing in honour of National Goth Day.

They've had 24 months to write the bit of business for the introduction. That time has not, I'm afraid, been put to good use.


8.10

Cyprus Elena Tsagrinou El Diablo

Nice dress, in a Littlewoods doing Anne Summers way. The song is a bit stop-start and has a dreadful rap bit in the middle that drags it down. The backing singers, though, have come as Britney from the Oops video. It's a strong start.

8.15

Albania Anxhela Peristeri Karma

From the devil to karma. We're in for that sort of a night are we.

She's wearing the same dress. Is that safe in the current climate?

Nice flash of red smoke in the background. It's a bit more California evacuating as trees burn than Tales of the Unexpected.

Unquestionably it sounds Albanian.

There's a bloke in the audience with an Albanian flag who, really, appeared to be clapping out of nationalism rather than enthisiasm.


Israel Eden Alene Set Me Free

Graham Norton promises the highest note ever sung at Eurovision.

She looks a bit FKA Twigs. She sounds a bit like early 2010s chart music. (Actually, this sounds precisely like the Eurovision song that was playing in Chiquito earlier which I couldn't remember the name of then, either.)

Obviously, even with the best will in the world Israel is going to struggle to get much support tonight.

The high note was just a squeal. And it didn't shatter any glasses here. Might have been better off with Memorex.


8.20

Belgium Hooverphonic The Wrong Place

Hooverphonic sounds like the sort of band who would be the last track on a free Melody Maker cover mount, included so that the record label would allow the Shed Seven track to appear.

The drummer has taken time off from teaching science in the local comp; the singer is possibly a reanimated Lulu. 

The song is better than it has any right to be based on the foregoing observations. But it's going to need to build to something. 

Those boots look like they might be gardening wellingtons. 

I don't think this is going to build to anything.

No. It just ended. Hooverphonic just sort-of sucked.


Russia Manizha Russian Woman

Song title or opening gambit in an unsolicited email pledging to be marriage minded and disease free?

Oh, that dress is going to open up, isn't it?

Yes, it does, to reveal a boiler suit.

Her backing singers are wrapped up like cheap supermarket chocolate biscuits.

It's more Russian than the Albanian one was Albanian. I suppose this is what happens when you stay at home for months on end.

"Don't be afraid" she keeps chanting, which is one of those phrases that sounds more ominous the more it gets repeated, isn't it?

The back wall appears to have turned into a Zoom conference. Might have been the Russians hacking the judging sessions and accidentally pressing the wrong button.


8.30

Malta Destiny Je Me Casse

Now, the BBC News were talking about her last night, in the gaps when they weren't beating themselves up about Diana, so I have heard bits of this before. Not sure about the lilac bodysuits for the backing dancers, and it's that dress from the first two again, but... this is ballsy. I like this.

Portugal The Black Mamba Love Is On My Side

Love may be on his side, but that hat is counting against him. A ten gallon hat on a two litre head.

I bet the restaurants reopening gave him a difficult choice about which job to go with this evening.

Over on Twitter, James has told me that it's Lituania who came on all in yellow, so that's something to watch out for.

Portugal ended with a promise that they'd be making love tonight. I suspect they won't.

8.40

Serbia Hurricane Loco Loco

This is Ruslana-by-numbers and I'm fine with that. Even the "don't forget the robot" loco-loco vocaliser bits


Eurovision is going for a break, so they're doing something that appears to be hacked together from stuff they found on Instagram.

8.45

Now, the bit we've all been waiting for, like the way we wait for a visit to the dentist, or the death of a beloved pet. It's the UK entry.

UK James Newman Embers

Graham Norton keeps saying he wrote his own song. In a way that makes it sound like we should be kind to him because of it.

James is being menaced by a pair of giant cartoon trumpets, which is a curious design choice.

Oh, he's like Rag And Bone Man auditioning for Take That.

Probably deserves more than the twelve points it's going to inevitably score.

The more it goes on, the more I like this, but I don't think we have the two hours it would need to go on for me to like it enough to ever want to hear it again.

Greece Stefania Last Dance

She's on a bare stage wearing a glittery purple outfit, but I fear that won't last.

Oh, lord, it's someone doing the sort of "I'm just dancing trousers" schtick ITV used to pop into Paperplay to enliven a dull episode or two.

There's also apparently a song here, but I'm not sure.

Switzerland Gjon's Tears Tout L'Univers

He looks a lot less than Michael McIntyre than I thought when I saw him earlier, and unfortunately that turns out to be all that he had going for him.

He also looks like he's about to burst into tears. Which might explain his stage name.

Mitteleurop Ken Doll Pop.

9.00pm

Iceland Daði og Gagnamagnið 10 Years

Graham Norton does appear to be tipping everyone for victory this year.

This is the second rehearsal rather than live tonight, because of covid. If they do win, what would happen, though? They can't come on to play the song, as they're holed up in their hotel isolating. I now want them to win just to find out the answer to that question.

I know everyone likes their quirky style, but the amusing Christmas Jumper meets mining schtick isn't doing it for me.

Hold on, though, the using the curved keyboards to create a prison for themselves is a nice move. Although a bit ironic given they're locked up in a hotel room tonight.

Spain Blas Cantó Voy A Quedarme

We're promised "the largest prop" ever tonight, although at first I thought Norton had said "largest cock", and when the guy came on I thought "yeah, sounds about right"

I'll bet his sweating like a fucker in that shirt (ten euros, from Primark)

The big prop is a large moon hanging from the sky.

Wait... that's not a moon...

Sadly, it's not a Death Star, either. So it just looks like Miley Cyrus fell off her Wrecking Ball on the way to the stage.

9.05

Moldova Natalia Gordienko SUGAR

It's that same dress again. And she's being backed up by four men from the Chippendales version of Men In Black.

The song is called Sugar, presumably, because it's a bit of a lump.

Ooh, we're being treated to the old Max Headroom backdrop. Someone at Moldovan TV has been going through their old VHS tapes.

Pretty certain the dancers are just there to stop her claiming political asylum.

Germany Jendrik I Don't Feel Hate

He's got a necklace that reads "annoying", which has at least saved about three seconds of processing time because... yeah, that's what this song is.

There's... a woman... wearing a giant hand costume which appears to be giving the whole of Europe the finger.

"I don't feel hate" says Jendrik. In a way that is rather challenging if he wants the rest of us to join him.

Oh god, he even does a little Thought For The Day at the end.

I don't feel hate, but I really don't feel love, either.

Finland Blind Channel Dark Side

Tonight's slice of hard rock.

But it's not Lorde hard rock. It's the guy from the deli down the road, right, well his girlfriend's son has got a band, and they've rehearsed a few times and they're alright.

A-grade eyeliner game, though. They should try Glow Up next year. Give the Eurovision a swerve.


Quick dip into Twitter as they taek a break:


9..20

Bulgaria Victoria Growing Up Is Getting Old

This is quite nice, but... it's very much The Sort Of Song That We Had A Lot Of Through Necessity  In The Last Twelve Months. An NPR Tiny Desk At Home Concert for Europe.

Lithuania The Roop Discoteque

Here's my lovely little lemons, just as the laptop I've dragged out for tonight starts to melt down. A song about discotheques! In 2021! Apparently written by someone who has never been to a discotheque. Or perhaps heard music.

The dancing is a little bit... emphatic. The sort of dance you'd expect someone in a yellow outfit to be doing. You can't ignore it, but you know in your heart you really ought to not be giving them the attention.

9.30

Ukraine Go_A Shum

They've bought a tiny part of an enchanted forest. And there's an element of throat singing going on. I don't know this is quite the noise they wanted to make when they set out, and it is getting a bit 'the room is spinning and I might throw up' but... there's something.

Hold on: is she salting herself up?

Extra marks for not using the massive bongos at the side of the stage.

France Barbara Pravi Volia

Graham Norton thinks this one could win, too. Graham, you can't introduce every song with a 'might win' just so you can go 'called it' at the end.

She's forgotten her blouse. She'll catch a chill, the way the wind whips in from the North Sea in Rotterdam.

This song is so French it could blockade a port all on its own.

Azerbaijan Efendi Mata Hari

The giant moon was one thing, but coming on with a massive chocolate orange hanging from the rafters is inspired.

They know Beyonce will find out they've ripped off Survivor, right?

Ooh, there's a big snake in the chocolate orange now. Have they confused Mata Hari with Cleopatra?

Norway TIX Angel

"He's gonna come on dressed as an angel, see, because the song is called Angel, right, geddit? But, no, wait, he's in chains, too, with four people tugging at them. And they're... no, wait, you're gonna love this, right, they're dressed as devils, see? "

The embracing and centring of his facial tics in front of a massive audience is to be applauded, but... the song... maybe not so much.

9.45 

Netherlands Jeangu Macrooy Birth of a New Age

Home town act. Instantly popular with the Plague Pit.

There's a crumbling wall behind him. Is this new age the fall of the Berlin Wall? The music seems to be from the same era.

His suit makes it look a bit like he's wet himself.

Hang on, the wall is now saying "You can't break me", which given it started off by developing a massive crack is a confusing message to be sending out.

9.50 

Italy Måneskin Zitti E Buoni

Zitti E Buoni always my go-to choice at Prezzo, of course.

It's heavy metal, if your only experience of metal is Cirque Du Soliel doing a tribute to Kiss.

The size of the heels, though. Is that style, or is just compensatory?

Rotterdam! Are you ready to rock? Again? Just a little bit?

The glances at the audience suggests Rotterdam is not ready.

Sweden Tusse Voices

We've not seen much of that bendy-over, wavy hand dancing on Eurovision. Judging by how we've only just got to songs about discos, it'll be about 2036 before that really starts to show up on the Eurovision stage.

I think Tusse has a lot more personality than this song is allowing him to express, which is a bit of a shame.

San Marino Senhit Adrenalina

We're nearly at the end of the first half.

I was about to say 'some national dress' and then realised I have no idea what the national dress of San Marino would even look like, and by the time I'd finished that thought she'd thrown it off and was rolling round the floor.

Norton said this was a fitting song to end on, and it does have "yes, this is probably enough songs now, thank you" vibe to it.

Florida has turned up now - the rapper, not the state - for no reason other than to provide pub quiz questions for the next decade.

10.00pm

All over bar the voting, then.

Oh, god. The voting.

Let's have another dip into Twitter:


That... clears that up, then.

The giant finger woman has won tonight - official.

10.15

While the votes have poured in, and my laptop crashed again, we've had some sort of classical-dj collaboration with a spot of augmented reality. It's so 2016 it's going to vote for Hillary Clinton.

The video featured a couple of kids running away from a parent. Only they caught a tram, which is going to have given him a pretty good idea of where they were going. He did catch up with them but, the magic DJ music made him turn from being a sort-of-grumpy probably-racist into a smiley dancing dad. Eternal story, isn't it?

10.20

Voting numbers recap again, so another quick dip into Twitter:


Read this thinking "what song are they parsing so closely? and then realised it was Gary Numan doing something else:


The comedy bit was mercifully short and unsurprisingly unfunny. 

10.40

So, over at Glastonbury they had to take down the paywall - which is a digital revival of the 1980s tradition of the fence being pushed over by punters without tickets.

10.45

Back in Rotterdam, we have to ask: is it really a Eurovision if Lordi haven't turned up?

Which reminds me:


We're getting the reprise of the last winner. I mean, they say it's the track that won last time round, but frankly it's so flat and it was so long ago now I couldn't honestly say, hand on my heart, if I have heard this before in my life. 

10.51

It's the countdown to the close of the vote, with a tune that owes a pretty hefty debt to Richard Whiteley's old stomping ground.

"Europe stop voting now". Yeah, I think we have that feeling quite often.

Apparently the supervisor of tonight's events has written two successful thrillers. I bet he's going to ponder what to lead with on Linked In in the morning.

Graham Norton's been a lot less arch tonight, hasn't he?

10.55

We're going to get the scores now. Apparently the jury votes were done last night, and we get those first.

Israel say "we all needed Eurovision". Hmm. Maybe some other things, too? 12 to Switzerland.

Poland - "dressed as Zebra". Okay, Norton's still got a raised eyebrow. 12 to San Marino.

It's early, but UK already running a zero score.

San Marino have written their score down on a piece of paper, in case they'd forget the word France.

Albania's judge appears to have broken off a date with a divorcee to bring 12 points for Switzerland

11.00

Over to Malta, who are showing their skill with languages. 12 to Albania.

It's a bit of a mixed bag of scores so far, apart from everyone hating us.

Estonia give 12 to Switzerland.

North Macedonia - their first scores under this name, but still not significant enough for them to buy a proper shirt. 12 to Serbia, to add to the single tick they'd had so far.

Azerbaijan have two people doing the scores. And they're singing. And milking their time for all its worth.. 12 to Russia.

The UK is still on a flat zero.

Now to Norway, giving a 12 to Malta

Spain are up next; she's an old hand at this, so does the bluster quickly before getting to 12 to France bit.

Austria are wearing an EQUALITY shirt. So 12 to everyone? No. Iceland get special treatment making you a HYPOCRITE.

Switzerland are leading the pack; Malta's contestant looks a bit glum.

Here's Amanda Holden, fresh from the Singing Show. "I'm Amanda Holden" says Amanda Holden. 12 to France.

Just UK and Norway yet to score.

Oh, Italy given 2 to Norway, so... another good year then. Italy's 12 to Lithuania. Well done, little lemon gang.

Slovenia has a glittery jumpsuit and a massive belt. 12 for Italy.

Greece are up way after their bedtime - he's ten years old. Knows to give his 12 to Cyprus, though.

Latvia give 12 to Switzerland from their Goth jumpsuit.

Ireland give 12 to someone - France? - and Moldova come on and play a saxophone, apparently in a bid to become the Most Hated Country in Europe. 12 to Bulgaria. Bulgaria? Really?

Off to Serbia, who are dressed as Jessica Rabbit but remember to say good morning to Australia. The 12 for France nips them ahead of Switzerland.

11.10

Bulgaria have made an effort. Moldova get 12. Nobody is running away with it tonight.

Cyprus' budget Greg Proops brings 12 for Greece.

Belguim have come all in white. They've trotted out 12 for Switzerland.

The UK sit, forlornly, at the bottom on zilch.

Some of Europe are now enjoying adverts, and we're not. We're backstage. At least the French singer has been able to get a tracksuit top to give herself a bit of warmth.

11.15

Back to the votes.

Germany appear to be trying out new teeth as they come on screen. 12 for France.

Australia are up early, or are they late? He sounds like he's had more than one of the massive glasses of champers he's holding. Malta crack a smile at last as they get a 12.

Finland are wearing a massive spangly jacket, and endosing Switzerland.

portugal are doing a Lego minfig tribute with 12 to Bulgaria,

Switzerland are now two points ahead of France.

Ukraine are dressed like Mother Christmas and there's 12 points for Italy in their sack.

"We're now joined by Iceland" says the presenter, and she sounds tired.

Iceland's bit about the movie and Ya Ya Ding Dong is probably funny if you've seen it. Switzerland get 12.

Romania have sent an Olympic Gymnast - no, really. Malta get the big score this time.

Croatia have put a proper suit on.. Doesn't fit him, but it's expensive. Italy are their choice.

The Czech Republic are wonderfully overdressed. Portugal hit the 12.

The UK are on zero, still. Switzerland opening a lead.

Georgia are wearing a t-shirt with a map of Georgia on. probably. 12 to Italy.

Lithuania are the Collector from Guardians Of The Galaxy. Ukraine score 12.

Denmark couldn't be any more Denmark. Switzerland get 12 again.

Five more to go. Switzerland 249, France on 218. UK...0.

11.25

Russia: two mics and a crucifix. Moldova get a dozen.

France have a mouth full of teeth, and douse points for Greece

Sweden are having their raincoat adjusted as we join them. "I know how your contestants feel" she says. Yes, they're feeling like they'd like you to get on with it. Malta, eventually, take 12.

UK? Still on zero.

Switzerland are in leopard print - twelve to France, but hardly anyone noticed.

Finally, the local score from the Netherlands - and it's 12 across the border.

11.30

So, that's the juries.

Now, to the phone votes. Oh, after a break. So time for a quick look at the leaders:

Switzerland 267, France 238, Malta 208, Italy 206

NOW for the public votes.



Remember, too, they're going to dock us 50 for Amanda Holden.

The UK gets zero from the public.

Holy shit.

The crowd in the Plague Pit do give James a lot of love, though. And I think he's had a drink. 

Germany also get a zero. So does Spain.

Did nobody vote?

Nothing for The Netherlands.

More votes coming in, and countries are starting to get a dribble of votes. But it's all very low.

Lithuania have got 165, the first decent sized score. Go Team Lemon.

Then back down to earth as Belgium get just three.

Finland get 218, which pings them from bottom half to - for now -  being in the lead.

11.40

They're going to overrun, by the way.

Ukraine scoop up 267 points. That's enough for the producer to play some funky music and sticks them on top of the board with 364.

Russia's 100 gives them a total of 204, strong middle placing.

Portugal only get 27 public votes, for a total of 153. Bulgaria only get 30.

Iceland are gifted 180, and that takes them to the top.

Italy 318, gives them 524 and pushes them to number one.

11.45 

"It's not going to be long now" - tell that to whoever's waiting to do the news, mate.

Malta only get 47 - she's trying to look like she's okay with it. But she isn't.

So will it be Switzerland, or will it be France?

They're trying to drag out the tension.

France get, from the public, 251 points - which only takes them to second.

So, which side of the Alps has won - Switzerland or Italy?

Switzerland need 258...

Oh, god, we're getting a recap.

165.

Italy scoop it up.

Bloody hell.

That was actually quite exciting - although not quite as exciting as they were trying to make it.

At least it's a memorable winner, because I can't remember how the Switzerland one went.

11.50

So, what have we learned?

The Blogger HTML editing interface has become bloody awful over the last couple of years, mainly.

The UK are never going to win Eurovision again; we couldn't do any worse if we sent Keir Starmer in to do a song and dance routine. 

The European public, left to their own devices, can't be trusted with voting, except when they can.

And having a year off made Eurovision feel like a lot more fun.

11.55

Maneskin are doing the reprise as they roll the credits. It's an okay song. Sort of thing you might hear in the taxi as you head towards Turin airport, and might even Shazam, before promptly forgetting their name before you even get a luggage trolley from the rack.

Midnight

Victoria Derbyshire looks knackered and frankly could have done without the extra fifteen minute wait, thank you very much.

"Good morning" she says, tartly.

Just time for a quick final look at Twitter:


It's been fun. May very well be back next year, pandemics permitting. 


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By Simon Hayes Budgen 26 comments

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Saturday, May 23, 2015

Liveblog: Eurovision 2015

7.05pm
It's less than an hour to go until Eurovision starts, and that - on past form - means we're only about six hours of bilingual vaudeville until someone actually sings a song.

Tonight is Eurovision 60, which I find puzzling as it feels like this is at least the ninetieth Eurovision liveblog I've done - the first was when Napoleon won with Able Was I, Ere I Saw Elba which of course went on to be number one for around fifteen years.

The most recent was last year, which was won by Conchita Wurst who has enjoyed the full fruits of victory - a position as an answer on every light-hearted year-end quiz; a return for this year's performance; and the angry glowers of fellow countrypeople who are having to fund the 2015 competition from money they could be spending dubbing Family Guy into German.

It's perhaps just as well that Ireland were knocked out at the semi-final stage; given the sheer joy in the country at voting to tell the Pope to go screw himself ("in favour of same-gender marriage") if they also won Eurovision it's possible they'd never stop trilling with joy.

We'll be back as things get underway - in the meantime, there's this:



7.25pm
While everyone's getting excited about the appearance of Australia in this year's event - I KNOW THEY'RE NOT EVEN IN EUROPE IT'S CRAZY WHATEVER NEXT WILL IT BE LIKE MEXICO OR ATLANTIS OH MY SIDES OH MY DAYS AMIRITE? - let's instead spare a thought for the nation who'll be sat at home, flicking mournfully through the events muttering "could have been us" - Liechtenstein, who were going to debut this year but... couldn't afford it:
1 FL TV, the national broadcaster of the Principality of Liechtenstein has confirmed to Esctoday.com that Liechtenstein will not be participating at the forthcoming 2015 Eurovision Song Contest next May in Austria.

1 FL TV informed esctoday.com that it has no plans to join the EBU at the moment, thus excluding the possibility of participating at the Eurovision Song Contest next year. The broadcaster did state that they are interested in competing in the Eurovision Song Contest, thus we might seen the tiny state enter the competition in the near future.

1 FL TV’s Head of Television Programmes Mr. Petr Kolben informed ESCToday:

We are interested in participating in the Eurovision Song Contest, but at the moment we have to evaluate the costs of the EBU membership. It is very unlikely we will participate in Austria next year.
Maybe they should do a gofundme for next time?

7.40pm
Also not taking part tonight is Pertti Kurikan Nimipäivät, who didn't gain enough support in the semis with this:

I suspect that if they'd made it to the wider vote tonight, they'd have done a lot better but the restricted franchise of semi-final voters are a lot less forgiving of noise rock.

7.45
Nick Knowles is doing a Who Dares Wins Eurovision special. Dana and Cheryl Baker are trying to remember as many Eurovision winners as they can - which should be easy for them as they only ever appear on TV programmes with other Eurovision winners.

7.50
There's a musical guest at the lottery draw - because one thing tonight is short of is bad music - in the shape of Rixton. Or Micky Pearce Does Pop Idol.

7.55
Gaby Roslin and Rixton very excited they "wrote for the album as well". One song. And I suspect it's a co-writing credit.

7.58
BBC trailing the FA Cup before Eurovision. Apparently the FA Cup is like Eurovision for dull people.

8.00
"With strobe lighting, this is London calling Vienna..."

Ooh, are they doing it outdoors? Or have they just shoved the classical musicians out in the tent?

"The longest contest to date" warns Graham Norton. Twenty seven acts. Looks like I picked the wrong day to give up glue sniffing.

A lot of circle-related prelude stuff right now. That's the theme of the evening. Looks a bit like a bunch of rejected ideas for BBC One idents.

8.05
"These bubbles are about to morph into a very large ball" announces Graham. We've all been there.

The ball turns out to be the giant thing that used to follow Patrick McGoohan around Portmerrion.

It's very red. Until Conchita appears from a hole in the ground wearing metallic lilac. Was this last year's winning song? Everyone remembers Conchita, but... her song? Hmm...

8.07
The Sugababes take the stage pretending to be the local hosts, while Conchita ascends to heaven. Do all Eurowinners perform an ascension on the day their year as winner ends?

And of course it's the Vienna Boy's Choir turning up now.

Someone else has popped up now. Imagine if Will I Am and Jamiroquoi had a kid. Yeah. That terrifying.

8.10
We're introducing all the countries. They do this in the Olympics, but the Olympics doesn't have to be finished in three and a half hours. DO SOME SONGS.

Not the song done by Jam.I.Am, though.

8.15
Forty countries going to vote, too. Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up heroi... hang on, I haven't given up heroin, have I? Where's my heroin?

In other news, next door are having a barbecue only it smells more like that they've accidentally set fire to their shed. Photos if the fire brigade show up.

They've done a thing on "our social media platforms" with people "building bridges". Cue two minutes of poorly-filmed, compressed to buggery Euro-optimism.

They're meant to be cute but actually look a bit violent - a Russian waterboarding a Turk; someone else throwing paper angrily across the continent at someone else. A lot of tossing of water in people's faces.

8.20
"A very good-humoured competition this year" says Graham. We'll see how good-humoured it is when Cyprus are giving twelve points to Greece.

This year the event is being shown live in China, although there it is called "Western Decadence In Its Most Extreme Ugly Form 2015".

There's an app for voting with. It's like living in the future, isn't it? If, say, you're looking from the perspective of 1998.

First song:
Slovenia Maraaya "Here for You"

She's wearing massive, ugly headphones. Dr Dre product placement.

What is with the headphones? Is she trying to drown out her own song? She does seem to be singing to a totally different tune, so maybe she's got some completely different backing track in there.

Things can only get better from here.

Nigel Kennedy on piano, also wearing massive headphones.

Good work by the wind machine people, I guess.

8.25
France: Lisa Angell "N'oubliez pas"
Don't Forget. A song named after a notepad you might stick on the fridge.

Lisa is stood in front of a backdrop of some sort of natural disaster.
The backdrop is behind some sort of musical disaster.

It's all a little grim. Like, in some alternate history, Vichy France had chosen to enter the contest.

This song actually smells of Gitanes.

A bunch of drummers have turned up wearing apparent flesh-coloured bodysuits.

8.30
Israel: Nadav Guedj "Golden Boy"
From the title is sounds like it could be a Miss Kittin cover, but we're not going to be that lucky, are we?

It's hard to tell with the lighting, but it could be Gary Barlow. Maybe his tax exile status has got out of hand?

Oh, the lights have got better and he looks less like Barlow, more like Mike and/or Bernie Winters. And if either of them did a rap, it'd probably sound like this.

8.35
Estonia: Elina Born & Stig Rästa "Goodbye to Yesterday"
Stig is apparently a big deal in Estonia; he's got a bit of a flop to his hair. Max Beasley with a dash of former Communist steel.

Elina stands behind him, singing like a divorce is about to happen in a 1970s Play For Today.

They're a nice couple, but the song is a bit weak.

United Kingdom: Electro Velvet "Still in Love with You"
On ITV, they're claiming Britain's Got Talent. BBC One is expensively disproving that.

Remember, at the moment they have no points. This may be true by the end of the night, too.

On BBC news earlier, the bloke from the band had a look on his face like someone had just sent him a link to Jive Bunny.

I suppose if each nation has a lot of Bugsy Malone fans, there might be a chance of making it to the top half of the table.

But the stuff to make the dress light up ruined the way the fabric hung.

8.40
Armenia: Genealogy "Face the Shadow"
Possibly the worst name for a band ever. Who do they think they are?

The concierge from a budget hotel and the world's least stagey dominatrix plod through a ballad in a forest.

Hang on, there's a bunch of the S&M D&D fans. Norton suggested Game Of Thrones; it's a bit closer to fanfic Merlin.

And an angry bloke with a beard. Where did he come from?

8.45
Lithuania Monika Linkytė & Vaidas Baumila "This Time"
Monika killed all the birds whose corpses she is currently wearing.

She'd have been great, but the bloke who has turned up with her is a bit of a buzzkill. It's like you thought you were going to be on a date, and she arrived and said "do you mind, I've bought my mate with me..."

Oh, god, they kissed. I suspect this whole event might have been a plot by Vaidas to get to snog Monika.

8.55
I fed the cats during Serbia. Sorry, Serbia:
Serbia - Bojana Stamenov "Beauty Never Lies"
Sounded alright as I went through the room looking for a missing kitten.

Norway: Mørland & Debrah Scarlett "A Monster Like Me"
What is with the girl-and-boy pairings this year? Mostly with the girl appearing over the shoulder of the boy at the end of the first chorus.

Neither of them appear to be monsters, despite the title of the song. They're probably just misunderstood.

The song itself sounds like something Lloyd-Webber knocked out quickly to bring the curtain down at the end of the first act.

9.00
An hour in. This means some people get commercials, and the rest of us get to see entertainment die. These sequences are probably the strongest argument for abolishing the licence fee.

Sweden: Måns Zelmerlöw "Heroes"
No. Not the Bowie one. Although I'd like to see if you could pull off that.

Norton says "electro-folk", but doesn't make it sound like the warning it should be. Like shrugging and saying "yeah, that's horribly radioactive, maybe shouldn't be holding that..."

Oh! He's the guy with the imaginary little friend. And some fake rain.

"We are the heroes of our time" he sings. Although that's setting the bar pretty low, isn't it?

Not that keen on the song, but have a strange urge to find out if Pepsi have just launched a new variant.

Also, the first contestant to pull off wet-look trousers tonight. Or maybe he's just wet himself.

Sidenote: Mans believes that being gay is a "deviation", so he can fuck right off. (He claims it was a 'miscommunication', as homphobes tend to when called on it.)

9.05
Cyprus: John Karayiannis "One Thing I Should Have Done"
The manager of your local building society is having a go at being a pop star. The song's not great but he does have the power to grant up to 97% loan-to-value, so be kind to him.

"I broke your heart/now mine's broken too." You've only got yourself to blame, chum.

Now... Australia
Australia: Guy Sebastian "Tonight Again"
Oh, Guy's dressed like a cricketer on an early morning pre-Test series photocall.

Apparently, if they win, we don't go to Australia next year, but the Australians get to choose which country will host. That's disappointing.

There's some fist-bumps on stage; the song might work if it was being done by an S Club 7.

9.10
Belguim: Loïc Nottet "Rhythm Inside"
The son of the chair of the Governors meets The Tomorrow People.

Oh, he's having a lie-down.

This is the best song so far tonight. But it's not a Eurovision winning song.

(It might actually be a Rhythm Nation-era Janet Jackson song.)

9.15
Austria: The Makemakes "I Am Yours"
The home team. Or possibly Kasabian pretending to be Austrian.

I suspect we're in for something a bit Live And Let Die-y here.

"Apologies for the loss in transmission there, we hope you enjoyed that extract from Top Of The Pops 1978. Now, back to Eurovision."

Ooh, fire on stage for the first time this evening. Because the piano is on fire.

9.20
A quick jaunt backstage while they put the burning piano out.

"Why do we even have a green room?" asks Conchita.

Because otherwise the artists would have to stand outside waiting to come on, presumably?

Greece: Maria Elena Kyriakou "One Last Breath"
That sounds like it's going to be a cheerful one, right?

She's come as Ray Of Light era Madonna.

Luckily, her accompanist has found a piano that isn't burned out. I say "luckily".

Jesus, she's got long fingers. I haven't seen a finger that long that wasn't made out of foam and on the hand of a sports fan.

This is a song that should be angry and booming, but appears to have been sent to anger management and so it just sitting in the corner counting to ten.

Elsewhere:


9.25
Montenegro: Knez "Adio"
We're running out of songs, and there's been nothing truly outstanding yet. Who knew that 27 might be not enough songs?

This is starting with some pleasant relaxy-local-colour-background doodling.

Knez is an evil magician who is attempting to hide his plans to kill us all with trained magic doves by singing ever-so-gently.

You've not fooled me, Knez.



9.30
Germany: Ann Sophie "Black Smoke"
Ann, of course, is the runner-up who won default when the other guy didn't want to do it after all.

Ann is stroking herself in a way that clearly is sexier in her head than it is on screen.

I can't decide if she had a dance routine she's forgotten; if she's forgotten she doesn't have a dance routine; or if they've paid a choreographer but been ripped off.

You have to wonder what the third place song in the German qualifier was like. Poor Germany.

Poland: Monika Kuszyńska "In the Name of Love"
Poland next to Germany. That's always a recipe for disaster, if history is a guide.

Lots of drapes. If this piano goes up as well, there's going to be tragedy.

Not sure about the footage of 'before she had an accident' being thrown on screen. What message is that meant to be giving?

The song is no less floaty and formless as the massive curtains at the back of the stage.

9.35
Latvia: Aminata "Love Injected"
Love Injected could be filthy from the title.

This is like something from Bjork's spare hard drive. A slight element of 'Kate Bush goes to the Hitman And Her'. I think I like this one.

9.40
Romania: Voltaj "De la capăt (All over Again)"
I think these are like the Romanian Wurzels or something like that.

They do good work for charity, though, helping kids and that. Which is lovely. But we must be tough. Good deeds butter no Eurovision parsnips.

Oh, Ming The Merciless has turned up trying to fit into his wedding suit.

And using pictures of the children you're trying to help with your charity is just squalid. Really squalid.

9.45
Spain: Edurne "Amanecer"
One day, it'd be great if a singer came on stage and said "shall we take the dramatic, low-key opening as read and just get to the bit where it all kicks in?"

Has she paid that bloke just to hold the end of her train?

Oh, no, he's a dress thief. Blimey.

(I wonder how many times that went wrong in rehearsal. I'd like to see film of that going wrong in rehearsal.)

Hungary: Boggie "Wars for Nothing"
Wars for nothing. Because, like, war - war is stupid. Right? Do you understand?

Ooh. Off-key. I mean, I know the sentiments are fine but... you should try and hit the notes every so often.

This clearly was written for a year ten assembly about history, but somehow got overpromoted.

Felt like the Hundred Years War. About as welcome as another Schleswig War.

9.55
Georgia: Nina Sublatti "Warrior"
Georgia have gone full-on Goth.

YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND, STRAIGHT PEOPLE.
*drinks half a bottle of Mad Dog in the park*

I'll level with you: I know this is a tribute to Ruslana, but done with half the gusto, but this year, a misfiring Ruslana tribute is the best we can hope for.

"I've been a danger for too long" goes the lyric, and clearly that's not true, but she's probably made a couple of people on the bus feel a bit jittery in case there's something living in those feathers on her shoulders.

Azerbaijan - Elnur Hüseynov "Hour of the Wolf"
Awkward moment when there was a camera pointing down a woman's shirt, which I hope to god was merely an accident.

Back on stage, there's a guy dry humping the stage. I hope to god it's dry humping, or at least someone can get a mop on before the next act.

The hour of the wolf feels more like a month and a half of a a dachshund.

10.00
Two hours down. How are we all doing, people?

Russia: Polina Gagarina "A Million Voices"
This isn't the song that Harry Hill used to say that he liked the best. Probably more 'a million voices calling out in pain'.

Russia have sent a woman off a box of hairdye. (Shade 23: Uncanny blonde, if you're wondering.)

The drummer is pulling a Steve Coogan face.

The odd thing - if they've got a million voices, couldn't they have found a better one to do the singing?

Went down well in the room. God help us all.

10.05
Albania: Elhaida Dani "I'm Alive"
Well, the good news for Albania is it looks like 1980s hairstyles have just arrived in Tirana.

Elsewhere: Philip Schofield has deployed the Irony Hashtag.


10.10
Italy: Il Volo "Grande amore"
Not only almost an anagram of Il Divo, they pretty much are Il Divo. But the good news is that they're closing off the first chunk of the evening.

Hang about. Timmy Mallett.

If you close your eyes, you could just about buy this selling liqueurs during a mid-December ad break on Channel 4.

10.15
Now, the people of Europe will spend the next few minutes voting for the songs they can just about remember through their drunken tears.

The Sugababes have changed from black dresses to white dresses. No expense spared.

"You can't vote for the United Kingdom, because you have self-respect."



I've just checked; there isn't an alternative version of this programme on Channel 4 being done by Jeremy Paxman and Louise Mensch. I think Channel 4 have missed a trick there.

10.25
Oh, fuck, it's Drum Theatre.

This is what a cry for help looks like, everybody:


So, Ed Balls thinks Serbia will win it. Mind you, he believed he'd be doing an emergency budget next week.

This just in:
Given that it doesn't take that long to make a phonecall, does this middle sequence really need to be any longer than the time it takes to dial ten digits plus, say, an extra three minutes for a wee?

10.30
They're still drumming. It's like a polite version of Stomp.

10.35
Another run through of the songs. If you've not voted yet, it's because you are refusing to vote until you can use a postcard or a sealed-down envelope.

10.40
There's only one minute left to vote.

"Europe... Australia... are you ready for the countdown?"
"What am I, chopped liver?" asks Israel.

There's a massive bang at the end of the countdown, which is either intended or that blasting through in Wookey Hole has gone awry.

Conchita Wurst on again, burning off the last goodwill like the brandy on top of a stale Christmas pudding.

10.45
"My whole album's my favourite track" reveals Conchita. Which also suggests they're all equally poor.

Here's a quick public service announcement:


I see Ugly Betty's nephew won Junior Eurovision, then.

10.50
They're counting votes in the background. Galloway demanding a recount.

And we're off to the Green Room.

More Conchita. Very much the 'hey, people like horseradish on their beef, so let's just make an entire bowl of horseradish that's how it works, right' of Eurovision.

10.55
Results at last!
Montenegro more overdressed than any of the contestants.

12 goes to Serbia.

Malta wearing a sensible sweater. There's a grudging one point (the 'dont take away the George Cross) for UK; 12 to Italy.

The scores do an annoying ping like an email coming in which is already more than we need.

Finland does a joke that requires explanation from Graham (without that, just sounds like she's a bit desperate). 12 to Sweden.

11.00
Greece has clearly been drinking. Their 12 to Italy.

UK still has a single point thus far.

Portugal vanishes from the screen so they move on to Romania.

Romania just shows off. 12 to Italy.

At least so far it's not one running away with it.

Belarus are the first nation with a bloke doing the scores. He's in a salmon jacket he picked up from a charity shop this morning.

UK still on one; Belarus give their 12 to Russia. Putin puts the phone back in the cradle and strokes his cat.

(The famous anti-boo technology working poorly now, probably overwhelmed.)

Albania's host has had to break off from serving in a Chuck E Cheese to give his 12 to Italy.

Has nobody been to check on Portugal yet?

Moldova's scores come from an Am Dram version of Dynasty. 12 to Romania, surprisingly.

11.05
Azerbaijan thank Austria for the amazing show. So they're bullshitting even before the 12 goes to Russia.

Latvia's votes come from Nick Tilsley off Corrie with a birdnest on his head. 12 to Sweden.

We still have just one point.

Graham Norton has started to get a bit Wogan on the votes commentary.

Serbia - off the shoulder dress compensated for by hair over the same shoulder.

12 to Montenegro.

So far, Austria, France, Germany and Poland all on zero. Bad days for big Europe.

Estonia vanishes before they can give their scores. Maybe Putin thought they wouldn't give 12 to Russia, and pulled the line?

Denmark are wearing a market leather jacket. 12 to Sweden.

11.10
Switzerland are dressed for a space wedding.12 to Sweden.

Belguim are a David Walliams tribute act. 12 to Sweden.

All this love for Sweden isn't helping best Russia.

11.15
France are immaculately turned out. 12 to Belgium.

Clearly the dropped ones are being pushed to the end.

Armenia are dressed like it was dark when they got ready, and too far from laundry day. 12 to Russia.

Ireland give us a grudging point. That's two grudging points. Strong votes for Sweden & Russia, so the homophobes in Ireland pulled something back. Their 12 to Latvia.

Sweden give 12 to Australia. Perhaps for a joke.

Germany have clearly broken off a bitter divorce to be here tonight.

She just called Conchita half a lady, which was... let's say misjudged, shall we?

12 to Russia.

11.20
Ooh, Australia are about to vote. Sternly.

You'll note we don't even get a grudging one from them. 12 to Sweden.

We're half way through. Looks like Russia might win this. And ElectroVelvet are dead in the water.

They're still convinced the news will be on at 11.35. Good luck with that, BBC One.

11.25
Czech Republic. Ooh, that's the first dress I'd happily wear. But I bet it leaves a pile of shit behind when you sit down.

12 to Azerbaijan.

Spain pad their part somewhat. 12 to Italy.

Austria are dressed like a vice president of mermaids. 12 to Australia.

Macedonia look like they'd pretend to forget their wallet if you went on a date with them.

12 to Albania.

UK still on 2; Germany and Austria on zero.

Slovenia praise the event for making dreams come true. They play their part by giving 12 to Sweden.

The hall now chanting for Sweden - which is odd to see a homophobic singer being given support to avoid having to go a homophobic nation.

Hungary have their entire GDP round their neck. 12 to Belgium.

Now, it's Nigella. She won't pad her part. Although she does have Zoom-Zoom on her breast.
12 to Sweden.

Blimey, we've taken Sweden back to the top.

11.30
Georgia, coming straight off the set of Blakes Seven, and then vanishes.

Lithuania dressed like a cheap choc-ice. 12 to Latvia.

Netherlands better not move too much or there'll be an incident. 12 to Belgium.

Poland have, erm, flowers on their hair. 12 to Sweden.

10 more results to go. (Unclear if that includes the ones we've had to skip).

11.35
Israel are dressed like your Dad. 12 to Italy. Which is what your Dad would have done.

Russia's bloke is trying to not look evil. The joke about giving 12 to Russia goes down like a Soviet tank in an independent state. Actually goes to Italy.

San Marino give three to ElectroVelvet - more than the rest of Europe put together. Their 12 to Latvia.

Sweden are pulling clear ahead.

Italy have stolen your watch. 12 to Sweden.

We've been watching this so long the Sky Box started to go into sleep mode.

11.40
Iceland's 12 to Sweden makes them almost untouchable.

Cyprus have their scores being done by someone who did the news on NBC in the 1970s. Probably wearing the same jacket. 12 to Italy.

Sweden have won. They've called it.

Putin is hoping he can get his deposit back on the conference centre.

Norway have sent a Manic Pixie Dreamgirl to do the scores. 12 to Sweden but it doesn't matter now.

11.45
Second crack at Portugal. They had a chance when voting meant something, you might recall. 12 to Italy.

Estonia are there again, like a bad drawing of Willow from Buffy. 12 to Russia.

Georgia - Blakes 7 lady. 12 to Armenia. And that's it for the voting.

So, Sweden win.

The UK only score five, which is probably five more than we deserved. Austria didn't get a single point in their own living room, which is just rude.

They're dragging out the closing minutes. Which, frankly, they don't need to do.

Conchita hanging about on the edge of the screen, slowly moving off the sides.

God alone knows how damp those trousers will be on the inside after four hours of studio lights and voting.

Midnight
In case you were worried: the neighbours' shed didn't burn down, although there was a mysterious visit from a security firm roughly around when Cyprus was on.


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Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Brits 2015: the liveblog

Unquestionably today is the best day of the year for music on British TV.

That's because at 7.30, Sleater-Kinney's set from the 6music festival is going to be on the BBC Red Button.

Sadly, most of us are going to be watching the Brits instead.


Here's the thing - why not let us take the strain of watching the Brits while you go an enjoy Sleater-Kinney. That way, everybody will be happy.

I'll level with you - I'm still in Pizza Express right now. I'll get the check, and see you back at this page in a few minutes.

7.50
They're interviewing Sam Smith on BBC News. That's the sort of night we're in for.

7.55
So this is the first night of the post-Corden era. Ant And Dec return to hosting duties.

It might not seem a totally absurd choice - after all, they did once present a music chart show on ITV. But that was back when Mark Goodier was doing the charts for Radio One.

They're such an old-fashioned act, aren't they? The perfect faces of Morrisons, a store which seems to sell nothing but luncheon meat shaped like teddy bears, tripe and haslet.

8.00
Mastercard sponsoring again. They'd have been better off doing a product placement deal like Visa have done with Corrie.

And we're off. There's a comedy sequence of Ant and Dec preparing the food in the kitchen with all manner of pop people roped in for it. And the bloke off of the Knorr ads.

8.05
Oh, jesus. Dancing waiters. With Ant and Dec doing that thing where you lift a big silver lid off a platter, and they're underneath it. Told you they were old-fashioned.

Taylor Swift doing first performance, which isn't food-themed and makes the opening seem even odder. (Perhaps it was a reference to that time they tried to drop the tables from the hall to make it more of a spectacle for ITV and it died on its arse.)

Taylor Swift is ace, because it's Taylor Swift. Peaking too soon.

She does have dancers in bowler hats, though. Because it's England, guv, innit?

The long catwalk into the audience works really well for her. I suspect it's going to be a less useful feature when it's Sam Smith.

First glitter shower of the night. Yes, the Brits have peaked already.

8.10
The catwalk has now shown its weakness, as it took about six years for Ant and Dec to reach the place where they're supposed to do the talking.

Ant (or is it Dec) tells us this is the year British music has gone global. Wasn't that a couple of years back?

There's a joke about Kanye being in the building - haahahahahah he might take your award and give it to Beyonce, they say. You can tell they're hoping.

First short list: Video artist of the year. This is the one the oh-so-discerning viewers at home can vote for, with a hashtag. At least they've worked out that just using the act's name might not work entirely well as a voting mechanism.

8.12
Tracy Emin grimaces when they show her award.

Rita Ora off The Voice and Orlando Bloom off the Pirates Of The Caribbean come on for a prize. Orlando Bloom calls Rita "darlin'" and comes off like a bit of a perv.

This is best male artist - Damon Albarn v Paoloa Nutini v George Ezra v Sam Smith v Ed Sheeran.

God, is that really the best men can do?

"This is a hell of a line-up" says Rita. Yes, it does feel like hell.

Ed Sheeran wins.

8.15
Apparently Ed is one of the nicest people in pop. He's doing a reminiscence about the first time he ever came to the Brits, way back in 2011.

And they're already going to a break. Blimey.

It seems they've officially dropped the "The" from the awards - like Kanye or Beyonce, just relying on the one name now.

As they were going to the break, Dec (or was it Ant?) said "one down, ten to go", but it seemed almost heartfelt.

Still, they have managed to do something astonishing - the prize going to Sheeran actually manages to create the sense that Sam Smith has been unfairly robbed.

8.20
This has nothing to do with Brits, but there's an hour-long Thrush Puppies live video on YouTube, you know.

The ITV livestream doesn't appear to have sold all the ad slots in this break, which is a bit ominous.

Ant & Dec are now amongst the "celebrities", threatening to chat to them.

Second award - Jimmy Page is introduced with a joke about throwing TVs out of windows. Page's job is to give out Best British Group.

Royal Blood v Coldplay v Alt-J v Clean Bandit off the Windows Phone ads v One Direction.

Royal Blood have won. You can hear a million preteen girls screaming abuse at their televisions. I fear there will be much blood on the streets tonight.

8.23
Lovely self-effacing speech from the band. (Worth noting they're playing the show, and One Direction aren't; not that that's the criteria at all.)

Sam Smith is doing his live bit now. He's keeping the theme of the kitchen staff dance from the start of the show going, because he's come dressed like a lad dropping off a delivery from the grocers.

Oh, hang on, that's how he always dresses is it?

He obviously hasn't attempted to fill the whole of the O2 on his own; he's turned up with a full string orchestral backing. Because he is a Serious Artist Who Sings From The Heart.

He's now bellowing, presumably because he can't hear himself above all those fucking violins.

8.27
He's got a lot of head at the back of his face, hasn't he, the Sam Smith?

8.28
We're down amongst the tables now. Ant and Dec chatting away with Ed Sheeran.

This would be disappointing television even if you were Ant and Dec's mum.

Unlike Corden, Ant and Dec are asking 'proper' 'serious' music questions. How did the record come to happen, Ed?
("I just filled in a music-by-numbers chart, and there was the album.)

We're getting another reminder of the video vote hashtags now. I implore you to use #reopennominationsbrits

8.30
The Clean Bandit Windows phone ad is on. "We are stiff because we are posh; we are also stiff because we are not actors. Isn't that right, Cortana?"
"Yes, there's no place I'd rather be."

Quick look at the twitter:





8.35
ITV drop a Keith Lemon trailer into the proceedings, to remind us that things could have been a lot worse.

The boys are doing jokes about mismatched presenting teams. It flops. They're doing a bit of business with a bingo ball machine.

It doesn't help the punchline is Lewis Hamilton and Ellie Goulding. Although from here is looks like it's Eva from Corrie.

Lewis is proud to be here tonight. He makes a joke about Ellie's dress, which she clearly doesn't like. "That's a good one" she grits out.

Beyonce v Lana Del Ray v Sia v St Vincent v Taylor 'in the room' Swift for international solo artist.

Taylor Swift wins. Which would be right and proper. Even if she hadn't already done a turn for it.

She lets herself down a little by starting by thanking the record labels.

8.39
She also thanks Ed, and some models, and British fans. And, just as she's about leave, she slips one for Ellie. Lewis doesn't get a thanks.

Ant and Dec do the Kanye stealing awards joke again.

Royal Blood live. I doubt if any One Direction fans will be going 'yeah, actually, this is better, fair play' but it's amusing to think that this is probably only going to be the second time a large chunk of the audience have come across the band; and the first time would have been back at 8.23.

8.45
Royal Blood are accomplished, but they could have done that at any Brit awards since the 70s and fitted right in.

Time for a chatty chat chat with Rita and Ellie. Ellie Goulding looks like she's got scratches on her face, but on closer inspection it's just a lipstick kiss.

Another reminder of the video nominees; another bunch of commercials.



One of the complicated Mastercard break bumpers features Paloma Faith ordering an unsuspecting couple of head for a bank vault. It's a bit sinister. The best that couple can hope for is they're going to discover the corpse of a favourite pet; chances are it's going to be Faith doing a song in their faces.



A quick reminder there between the difference between 'doing a song at the' and 'being nominated for an' Oscar.

Ant and Dec have found Simon Cowell, who loves the Brits. It's like a bloodthirsty warlord marching through a field strewn with corpses.

'Who you listening to at the moment, Simon?"
'Sam Smith, Ed Sheeran, One Direction...'

He's so cutting edge.

He's also wearing Max Clifford's glasses.

8.50
"Collaboration is his middle name" say Ant and Dec. "Here's Mark Collaboration Ronson". Ho-ho

Paloma Faith v FKA Twigs v Lily Really Allen v Jessie Ware v Ella Henderson for British female. Lily Allen?

Paloma Faith has done a lot of work for the spons... sorry, has won the award.

She is delighted, though: "it's been a long time coming". It's hardly Jean Rhys' "it has come too late" though, is it? Faith warns us that she's going to do a long speech, but everyone else has done short speeches.

She's talking about flyposting, though, which is a reminder that not every musician starts out with Syco backing them.

8.55
Yeah, you're going on a bit now. Lucky they'd already shifted the news back to 10.10.

8.56
Trying to work up an Una Paloma Blanca joke. Failed.

Ed Sheeran's playing live now. Time for a toilet break, then.

9.00
He's gurning like he's on a toilet break, too.

For a song so devoid of any emotion, he's certainly emoting like crazy. With the sound down, you might think this was an impassioned performance.

Ant and Dec are now asking Sam Smith about how he enjoyed the Ed Sheeran song. There are rental properties on Homes Under The Hammer which are less bland than that moment.

Oh, another ad break.

Perhaps if they'd done a few less ad breaks, they might have filled all the slots on the online stream of the show.

From Twitter:


There's now a trail for Ant And Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, reminding you how bad things really are.

Ant is staring into the middle distance, now. Not sure if he's wishing it was over, or desperately hoping to see an autocue with some new material.

Kim Kardashian is here for the global success award, and probably as part of the contract negotiations to get Kanye to play live. She introduces a small reel of why Sam Smith is so brilliant. You know the sort of thing - "he has made some records! Inoffensive in 12 languages! Comes with his own toothbrush!"

They remind us he won Critics Choice award last year, so this is a Brits first - bullshit non-prizes two years running. Well done, Sam.


9.10
Ant and Dec are kissing Kim and saying they're "thrilled to have you here". She's getting more screen time than Smith did.

And they're doing a taking a selfie routine. Can the MySpace jokes be far away?

Kim introduces Kanye, which does nothing to dispel the impression her appearance was negotiated.

West is having so much of his performance muted it's like he's doing it on RealAudio over a dial-up line.

The 'riot and fire and cops' staging might have been edgy, had it not been done in 2011. By Plan B. And also by Take That.

Nice shot of Lionel Richie looking impressed as someone uses a flamethrower indoors.

(They do know the fire brigade are on strike today, right?)

9.15
Hang on, maybe there's no cops in the melee - it was hard to tell as ITV kept pulling back.

Sam Smith reaction shot - he was ashen faced.

And a third Kanye interrupting awards joke.

International Male solo artist:
Jack White v Hozier v Beck v John Legend v Pharrell Williams

Who will it be? And what the hell Hozier?

Pharrell Williams wins, but he can't be here tonight. Luckily for him, neither could any of the others. Williams does a little speech via the magic of video. He couldn't be arsed to do a second take, though, clearly.

9.20
Another break. Another reminder to vote in the video prizes.

Spotify's social media team are busy:

So... if you're watching a programme on TV, why not look at an unconnected organisation's twitter stream to find out the latest about what you will have already just seen?

9.22
Just seen that Sex Criminals - the freeze-when-you-fuck comic - is going to be adapted for TV. That's made me more excited than anything so far at the O2.

Realised that when I thought Ant had said Kate Nash was going to be playing live next, he actually just said Take That, didn't he? That's disappointing.

Now a bit of business about which end of the runway they're meant to be at. Clearly the Chuckle Brothers have shared their writing team for the evening.

It's all in the cause of introducing Take That. Look, George Osborne had no way of knowing what they were up to, right?

Mark Owen now looks like that guy who used to play the cardboard guitar outside What Everyone Wants in Liverpool.

9.28
It must be depressing for Gary Barlow, knowing that everywhere he goes, and everything he does, will be met with a barrage of 'pay your taxes'. Did he ever release the results of his investigation in how he came to be avoiding taxes?

Looks like Josh Widdecombe is in the background on guitar there.

"Let in The Sun" they sing, aware that News International also had an interesting approach to paying their taxes, too.

British singles awards. Oh, they're doing the bingo machine thing again. Flogging a horse that was already dead.

Lisa Snowdon and Lionel Ritchie. Edward Snowdon and Lionel Blair would have been a more interesting choice.

Rather Be v Thinking Out Loud v My Love v Ghost v Nobody To Love v Stay With Me v I Got U v Budapest v Uptown Funk

That's a lot of very posh people. Mark Ronson wins for having pretty much shagging the corpse of James Brown for the enterainment of people who don't really like James Brown.

Ronson thanks the Commodores, which I bet he wouldn't even have done if Lionel hadn't been standing right there.

9.35
John Bishop has come on to do a prize. Really? I mean, I like him well enough but he played a dad on Skins... who is this aimed at now?

Best International Group: Foo Fighters v Black Keys v First Aid Kit v The War On Drugs v 5 Seconds Of Summer

Of course Foo Fighters win; the other names were just padding out the list to try and get a few more NME readers to tune in.

Dave et al pick up their prize via video. They're proud. They sound bored as paint.

James Bay is at the table with Ant and Dec, wearing his hat and exhibiting all the personality we've come to expect from these empty chairs. Sam Smith gives him some advice, which i didn't catch but assume was 'sit down and don't make any unexpected moves'.

George Ezra is now playing his guitar. He's got his name up in lights, like Elvis doing the comeback special.

Just think of that.

Ezra is trying to make us think of him in the same way as Elvis Presley.

Let's hope he starts on that high fat diet quickly, then.

9.42
Clearly, Ezra is incapable of growing a hipster beard, and so has hired a backing musician to do that bit for him. He's probably going to leave the stage riding a penny farthing.

We're going to have another break? Jesus, how many more times do Lidl want to berate us this evening?

Some poor sod has been made to play maracas with Kaiser Chiefs in the break bumpers. I'm going to go and cut up my Mastercard just in case this sort of thing could happen to me next year.

9.46
Kevin Bacon still making ads for EE, then. Now with people from Gogglebox. I'm not sure why EE are making adverts just to alert us that Gogglebox has become too knowing to be of any interest now, but they are.

9.48
The British Breakthrough act. Ant and Dec are reminding us they were beaten in this category by Oasis many years ago.

Fearne Cotton and Charli XCX are doing the presenting. Charli has come dressed as Santa.

George Ezra v Chrvches v Royal Blood v FKA Twigs v Sam Smith

Sam Smith wins it. Did they know he was going to win this before they gave him the bullshit made-up award they only invented for One Direction last year?

Smith makes the sort of dull acceptance speech you'd expect him to. I do like the colour of his jacket, though.

Ant and Dec now pretending they hide under tables during live music bits. If only they'd hidden during the links as well.

Paloma Faith is now playing live. THIS IS UNCONNECTED WITH HER AWARD IN EVERY WAY. Her stage act includes a mime dancing in the rain.

9.55
There are now a lot of people dancing in the rain. I wish they'd switched this rain effect on when Kanye was doing his riot bit. That would have been worth turning up for.

I hope Paloma didn't get nervous waiting, although if she'd not done a three hour acceptance speech earlier, she'd be in a cab on the Westway by now.



Oh, Lord, she starts doing more thank yous at the end of the song.

Now, let's see if One Direction fans can still rig a vote - we're at the video award point.

Jimmy Carr - has anyone here paid any tax at all ever? - and Karlie Kloss. Carr does a CD:Uk joke - one for the teenagers there, then.

Carr does a joke about separate toilets for men and women which goes down like a Royal Blood tshirt at a One Direction party.

#whathashtaghaswon #icannotwaittofindout #whyaretheydoingtheshortlistagaintheyhavedoneit10timestonight

One Direction win. Surprise, everyone! Surprise!

Cowell goes up to pick up the award because One Direction can't be arsed with shit like this these days.

Cowell makes a speech, apparently thinking we'd appreciate that.

10.00
"I'd like to thank the boys for being amazing". Britain's got talent, although not any of those talents able to write a script, it seems.

There's an interview with Royal Blood and Alt-J. There seems to be a table that clearly the BPI thinks is the circle of credibility. George Ezra has been sat at it, which suggests some sort of terrible mistake.

They're going to have another break. Of course they are.

10.05


Adverts:
"Okay Google, show me pictures of beef stew... oh, god, no Google, I don't mean that as a euphemism... jesus, my girlfriend's here... stop playing that video, Google. I didn't even know that was a thing..."

Boots has now got the women in the Number 7 video to lip synch to Jessie J, which is actually quite a clever pun for its service matching lipstick to skintone, but might be a bit too clever for its own good.

10.06
Apparently ITV Be is still going.

Last award - British album. Russell Crowe is giving it out, so there's a bit of Wolf from Gladiator themed jokage. Seriously, what year are we in now? (I'd have applauded if they'd done a Romper Stomper joke...)

Crowe now less Gladiator, more 'it looks like he ate her'. We can all do it, ITV. We can all do it.

sheeran v ezra v alt-j v royal blood v smith

Who will it be?

Oh, it's Sheeran. WHAT A PLEASANT POLITE PLACE BRITISH MUSIC IS.

That's the message of this year's Brits. It's more middle-class than Escape To The Country.

Oh, what's that rattling? It's the sound of Madonna approaching. But first they have to try and bark up interest in the backstage party on ITV2. Given how ker-azzzy the main event has been, who know what hijinks there will be on ITV2? People using cheese knives in the butter dish, no doubt.

Madonna is now rolling on to close things off.

10.12
Still doing the matador thing, then. Go on, do Borderline.

Wow... something actually happened - she got tugged on her cape, and fell backwards down the stairs. She looked so pissed off as she climbed back up the stairs...

10.14
To be fair, those long housecoats can be a nightmare on the stairs. Something similar happened to my nan once, but it wasn't on live TV.

It's ironic she's singing "I'm gonna carry on" when if this had been recorded they'd have gone for take two. Still, shows she's still a trouper.

Presumably the twerking was meant to be a little more energetic than this.

I suppose its possible it was an intentional move to distract attention from how weak the song is. You wouldn;t have to do a pregnant Diana down the stairs if you'd done Borderline.

And she only did one song? They've been building to Madonna's big performance all night, and all they let her do was a single, flat track? Barely worth her getting back up off the floor for that.

10.18
ITV News do their bit for this magic evening for British Music by leading on the latest 'Cliff Richard is a nonce' allegations. Thanks, ITV News. You know how to make a party special.

Watching Madge on the steps, it's clear that she was starting to panic that she hadn't got the clasp of her cloak undone before the guys downstage were going to tug it off.

So, that's the summary of the great job the BPI have done this year: the only thing we'll remember is when a woman in her mid 50s was pulled over as she tried to climb the stairs.

British music. Best in the world, isn't it?

Thanks for sharing the evening with me.


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