Liveblog: Eurovision 2021

1.30pm

Someone asked me a few days back on Twitter if I was going to do this, this year; and I said I was quite prepared to interpret that as "overwhelming public demand". The exchange has since disappeared from my timeline, and I'm presuming that the person responsible has gone into hiding to avoid retribution from their friends and neighbours.

It's all too late, though, as here we all are. Back, again.

I'm not sure about the idea that Eurovision is rebooting live music after the pandemic - it's a bit like professional sports putting the Olympics and FA Cup on hold and giving the first outing to Jeux Sans Frontières instead. (And I know that the Brits organisers probably grind their teeth that, having done their best-show-albeit-with-a-low-bar-to-clear in about a decade, and having had a large crowd, the narrative is still that this is the kick-off point for The Comeback of Live Audiences. It's not enough to be first, darlings, you must be flamboyant enough for people to believe you're the first, and the hard work put in by Dua Lipa can be so easily erased by Lewis Capaldi having been left alone with a lager top before he takes to the stage.)

As usual, I've gone out of my way to try and avoid coming across any of the entries before tonight, so that I can look at them through fresh eyes. Not unjaundiced eyes; I've not looked at anything like that since about the time the BBC stopped Teddy Edward reruns. But fresh eyes.

So... back here, later, then to see if we can all remember how to watch music. 

7.30pm

BBC One is warming us up for an evening of shall-we-say magic with that odd 'can you tell who is a good singer by looking at them' show; the weirdest format of them all since the answer is obviously 'no, all you can do is guess'. There's a contestant saying that it's really easy if you're a good salsa dancer to add some lipsyncing to it. They're saying it with a degree of confidence that is impressive, but almost certainly misplaced.

Still, it's nice to see a programme where being a shit singer doesn't make you a target for ridicule.

7.45pm

Elsewhere, the Glastonbury livestream is providing a realistic experience as nobody seems to be able to get to see the bands they were hoping for, although it's invalid code messages rather than slow-moving crowds traipsing through mud that's blocking people from getting in front of Wolf Alice.

7.55pm

The only thing that makes no sense about I Can See Your Voice is that... even bad singers aren't bad as the bad singers here. I mean, the woman who has just done a Debbie Harry bit is so comically bad even Gareth Malone might just shake his head and say 'maybe stand at the back and open and close your mouth in time with the tune'.

8.00pm

And we're offffffffffffff!

It's a montage!

A Eurovision montage of people doing things outdoors. How we've missed you, Eurovision montages.

And now we're in the studio, which seems to be a tribute to Jailhouse Rock. In Space.

Oh, and it's the Olympic-style walk-on of all the artists...

8.05pm

Switzerland appear to have sent Michael McIntyre along. And didn't quite catch what nation that was, but the trio all in lemon make me fear we're in for a very long night indeed.

Oooh... is Graham Norton signalling the number of Instagram followers one contestant has as a subtle way of suggesting she's got international support that could swing the evening for her?

Shots of the audience in what I'm trying to not think of as a massive plague pit.

The bloke presenter has got a gravity-defying haircut. It is literally ALL the backcombing in honour of National Goth Day.

They've had 24 months to write the bit of business for the introduction. That time has not, I'm afraid, been put to good use.

8.10

Cyprus Elena Tsagrinou El Diablo

Nice dress, in a Littlewoods doing Anne Summers way. The song is a bit stop-start and has a dreadful rap bit in the middle that drags it down. The backing singers, though, have come as Britney from the Oops video. It's a strong start.

8.15

Albania Anxhela Peristeri Karma

From the devil to karma. We're in for that sort of a night are we.

She's wearing the same dress. Is that safe in the current climate?

Nice flash of red smoke in the background. It's a bit more California evacuating as trees burn than Tales of the Unexpected.

Unquestionably it sounds Albanian.

There's a bloke in the audience with an Albanian flag who, really, appeared to be clapping out of nationalism rather than enthisiasm.

Israel Eden Alene Set Me Free

Graham Norton promises the highest note ever sung at Eurovision.

She looks a bit FKA Twigs. She sounds a bit like early 2010s chart music. (Actually, this sounds precisely like the Eurovision song that was playing in Chiquito earlier which I couldn't remember the name of then, either.)

Obviously, even with the best will in the world Israel is going to struggle to get much support tonight.

The high note was just a squeal. And it didn't shatter any glasses here. Might have been better off with Memorex.

8.20

Belgium Hooverphonic The Wrong Place

Hooverphonic sounds like the sort of band who would be the last track on a free Melody Maker cover mount, included so that the record label would allow the Shed Seven track to appear.

The drummer has taken time off from teaching science in the local comp; the singer is possibly a reanimated Lulu. 

The song is better than it has any right to be based on the foregoing observations. But it's going to need to build to something. 

Those boots look like they might be gardening wellingtons. 

I don't think this is going to build to anything.

No. It just ended. Hooverphonic just sort-of sucked.

Russia Manizha Russian Woman

Song title or opening gambit in an unsolicited email pledging to be marriage minded and disease free?

Oh, that dress is going to open up, isn't it?

Yes, it does, to reveal a boiler suit.

Her backing singers are wrapped up like cheap supermarket chocolate biscuits.

It's more Russian than the Albanian one was Albanian. I suppose this is what happens when you stay at home for months on end.

"Don't be afraid" she keeps chanting, which is one of those phrases that sounds more ominous the more it gets repeated, isn't it?

The back wall appears to have turned into a Zoom conference. Might have been the Russians hacking the judging sessions and accidentally pressing the wrong button.

8.30

Malta Destiny Je Me Casse

Now, the BBC News were talking about her last night, in the gaps when they weren't beating themselves up about Diana, so I have heard bits of this before. Not sure about the lilac bodysuits for the backing dancers, and it's that dress from the first two again, but... this is ballsy. I like this.

Portugal The Black Mamba Love Is On My Side

Love may be on his side, but that hat is counting against him. A ten gallon hat on a two litre head.

I bet the restaurants reopening gave him a difficult choice about which job to go with this evening.

Over on Twitter, James has told me that it's Lituania who came on all in yellow, so that's something to watch out for.

Portugal ended with a promise that they'd be making love tonight. I suspect they won't.

8.40

Serbia Hurricane Loco Loco

This is Ruslana-by-numbers and I'm fine with that. Even the "don't forget the robot" loco-loco vocaliser bits

Eurovision is going for a break, so they're doing something that appears to be hacked together from stuff they found on Instagram.

8.45

Now, the bit we've all been waiting for, like the way we wait for a visit to the dentist, or the death of a beloved pet. It's the UK entry.

UK James Newman Embers

Graham Norton keeps saying he wrote his own song. In a way that makes it sound like we should be kind to him because of it.

James is being menaced by a pair of giant cartoon trumpets, which is a curious design choice.

Oh, he's like Rag And Bone Man auditioning for Take That.

Probably deserves more than the twelve points it's going to inevitably score.

The more it goes on, the more I like this, but I don't think we have the two hours it would need to go on for me to like it enough to ever want to hear it again.

Greece Stefania Last Dance

She's on a bare stage wearing a glittery purple outfit, but I fear that won't last.

Oh, lord, it's someone doing the sort of "I'm just dancing trousers" schtick ITV used to pop into Paperplay to enliven a dull episode or two.

There's also apparently a song here, but I'm not sure.

Switzerland Gjon's Tears Tout L'Univers

He looks a lot less than Michael McIntyre than I thought when I saw him earlier, and unfortunately that turns out to be all that he had going for him.

He also looks like he's about to burst into tears. Which might explain his stage name.

Mitteleurop Ken Doll Pop.

9.00pm

Iceland Daði og Gagnamagnið 10 Years

Graham Norton does appear to be tipping everyone for victory this year.

This is the second rehearsal rather than live tonight, because of covid. If they do win, what would happen, though? They can't come on to play the song, as they're holed up in their hotel isolating. I now want them to win just to find out the answer to that question.

I know everyone likes their quirky style, but the amusing Christmas Jumper meets mining schtick isn't doing it for me.

Hold on, though, the using the curved keyboards to create a prison for themselves is a nice move. Although a bit ironic given they're locked up in a hotel room tonight.

Spain Blas Cantó Voy A Quedarme

We're promised "the largest prop" ever tonight, although at first I thought Norton had said "largest cock", and when the guy came on I thought "yeah, sounds about right"

I'll bet his sweating like a fucker in that shirt (ten euros, from Primark)

The big prop is a large moon hanging from the sky.

Wait... that's not a moon...

Sadly, it's not a Death Star, either. So it just looks like Miley Cyrus fell off her Wrecking Ball on the way to the stage.

9.05

Moldova Natalia Gordienko SUGAR

It's that same dress again. And she's being backed up by four men from the Chippendales version of Men In Black.

The song is called Sugar, presumably, because it's a bit of a lump.

Ooh, we're being treated to the old Max Headroom backdrop. Someone at Moldovan TV has been going through their old VHS tapes.

Pretty certain the dancers are just there to stop her claiming political asylum.

Germany Jendrik I Don't Feel Hate

He's got a necklace that reads "annoying", which has at least saved about three seconds of processing time because... yeah, that's what this song is.

There's... a woman... wearing a giant hand costume which appears to be giving the whole of Europe the finger.

"I don't feel hate" says Jendrik. In a way that is rather challenging if he wants the rest of us to join him.

Oh god, he even does a little Thought For The Day at the end.

I don't feel hate, but I really don't feel love, either.

Finland Blind Channel Dark Side

Tonight's slice of hard rock.

But it's not Lorde hard rock. It's the guy from the deli down the road, right, well his girlfriend's son has got a band, and they've rehearsed a few times and they're alright.

A-grade eyeliner game, though. They should try Glow Up next year. Give the Eurovision a swerve.

Quick dip into Twitter as they taek a break:

Germany's entry is every white cis gay man who "has his" and thinks everyone should just stop being mad.

— AshleyNova is Querying Life (@DrAshleyNova) May 22, 2021

#fin what’s “Korn” in Finnish?

— Gareth (@gwinch) May 22, 2021

That's me. pic.twitter.com/wjTtLb6mIN

— The Tweets (@Needles_Toosay) May 22, 2021

9..20

Bulgaria Victoria Growing Up Is Getting Old

This is quite nice, but... it's very much The Sort Of Song That We Had A Lot Of Through Necessity  In The Last Twelve Months. An NPR Tiny Desk At Home Concert for Europe.

Lithuania The Roop Discoteque

Here's my lovely little lemons, just as the laptop I've dragged out for tonight starts to melt down. A song about discotheques! In 2021! Apparently written by someone who has never been to a discotheque. Or perhaps heard music.

The dancing is a little bit... emphatic. The sort of dance you'd expect someone in a yellow outfit to be doing. You can't ignore it, but you know in your heart you really ought to not be giving them the attention.

9.30

Ukraine Go_A Shum

They've bought a tiny part of an enchanted forest. And there's an element of throat singing going on. I don't know this is quite the noise they wanted to make when they set out, and it is getting a bit 'the room is spinning and I might throw up' but... there's something.

Hold on: is she salting herself up?

Extra marks for not using the massive bongos at the side of the stage.

France Barbara Pravi Volia

Graham Norton thinks this one could win, too. Graham, you can't introduce every song with a 'might win' just so you can go 'called it' at the end.

She's forgotten her blouse. She'll catch a chill, the way the wind whips in from the North Sea in Rotterdam.

This song is so French it could blockade a port all on its own.

Azerbaijan Efendi Mata Hari

The giant moon was one thing, but coming on with a massive chocolate orange hanging from the rafters is inspired.

They know Beyonce will find out they've ripped off Survivor, right?

Ooh, there's a big snake in the chocolate orange now. Have they confused Mata Hari with Cleopatra?

Norway TIX Angel

"He's gonna come on dressed as an angel, see, because the song is called Angel, right, geddit? But, no, wait, he's in chains, too, with four people tugging at them. And they're... no, wait, you're gonna love this, right, they're dressed as devils, see? "

The embracing and centring of his facial tics in front of a massive audience is to be applauded, but... the song... maybe not so much.

9.45 

Netherlands Jeangu Macrooy Birth of a New Age

Home town act. Instantly popular with the Plague Pit.

There's a crumbling wall behind him. Is this new age the fall of the Berlin Wall? The music seems to be from the same era.

His suit makes it look a bit like he's wet himself.

Hang on, the wall is now saying "You can't break me", which given it started off by developing a massive crack is a confusing message to be sending out.

9.50 

Italy Måneskin Zitti E Buoni

Zitti E Buoni always my go-to choice at Prezzo, of course.

It's heavy metal, if your only experience of metal is Cirque Du Soliel doing a tribute to Kiss.

The size of the heels, though. Is that style, or is just compensatory?

Rotterdam! Are you ready to rock? Again? Just a little bit?

The glances at the audience suggests Rotterdam is not ready.

Sweden Tusse Voices

We've not seen much of that bendy-over, wavy hand dancing on Eurovision. Judging by how we've only just got to songs about discos, it'll be about 2036 before that really starts to show up on the Eurovision stage.

I think Tusse has a lot more personality than this song is allowing him to express, which is a bit of a shame.

San Marino Senhit Adrenalina

We're nearly at the end of the first half.

I was about to say 'some national dress' and then realised I have no idea what the national dress of San Marino would even look like, and by the time I'd finished that thought she'd thrown it off and was rolling round the floor.

Norton said this was a fitting song to end on, and it does have "yes, this is probably enough songs now, thank you" vibe to it.

Florida has turned up now - the rapper, not the state - for no reason other than to provide pub quiz questions for the next decade.

10.00pm

All over bar the voting, then.

Oh, god. The voting.

Let's have another dip into Twitter:

According to Popbitch, Flo Rida's appearance with San Marino at #Eurovision is being paid for by Panini, the sticker company. It worked out quite well - If this was 1986 they'd have got Peter Beardsley.

— Drivelcast (@drivelcast) May 22, 2021

That... clears that up, then.

yet another unrealistic body standard for women #Eurovision pic.twitter.com/jaigmbV2cN

— three steaks pam (@alexandrakuri) May 22, 2021

The giant finger woman has won tonight - official.

“it’s a five foot cock and balls man” #Eurovision pic.twitter.com/M0dTLnGOa0

— three steaks pam (@alexandrakuri) May 22, 2021

Wearing all your clothes to the airport to avoid the extra baggage charges #Eurovision pic.twitter.com/zTs4TkM4yg

— Michael Fry (@BigDirtyFry) May 22, 2021

10.15

While the votes have poured in, and my laptop crashed again, we've had some sort of classical-dj collaboration with a spot of augmented reality. It's so 2016 it's going to vote for Hillary Clinton.

The video featured a couple of kids running away from a parent. Only they caught a tram, which is going to have given him a pretty good idea of where they were going. He did catch up with them but, the magic DJ music made him turn from being a sort-of-grumpy probably-racist into a smiley dancing dad. Eternal story, isn't it?

10.20

Voting numbers recap again, so another quick dip into Twitter:

Iceland met on series 2 of The Crystal Maze #Eurovision pic.twitter.com/bSpCq1Lp1B

— Neighbantz (@neighbantz) May 22, 2021

Still recovering from the whiplash I got after Finland followed Germany #Eurovision

— Beth (@0hMySt4rs) May 22, 2021

pic.twitter.com/sTbig3F3dl

— Hammer & Forensickle (@catherinebuca) May 22, 2021

Read this thinking "what song are they parsing so closely? and then realised it was Gary Numan doing something else:

There is a tiny percussion loop in the background that makes an enormous difference to the power of the groove. If it’s even remotely quiet the groove doesn’t work at all and the song drags badly, and yet you barely notice it when it’s there. #TimsListeningParty

— Gary Numan (@numanofficial) May 22, 2021

#Eurovision

Me in my head Me in real life pic.twitter.com/A8RaYgM573

— Solitaire Townsend (@GreenSolitaire) May 22, 2021

The comedy bit was mercifully short and unsurprisingly unfunny. 

10.40

So, over at Glastonbury they had to take down the paywall - which is a digital revival of the 1980s tradition of the fence being pushed over by punters without tickets.

10.45

Back in Rotterdam, we have to ask: is it really a Eurovision if Lordi haven't turned up?

Which reminds me:

I'm fairly sure @norock meant Lordi but suddenly I really want a Lorde rock album. pic.twitter.com/wpCIJXYx6B

— James (@jamesv_t) May 22, 2021

We're getting the reprise of the last winner. I mean, they say it's the track that won last time round, but frankly it's so flat and it was so long ago now I couldn't honestly say, hand on my heart, if I have heard this before in my life. 

10.51

It's the countdown to the close of the vote, with a tune that owes a pretty hefty debt to Richard Whiteley's old stomping ground.

"Europe stop voting now". Yeah, I think we have that feeling quite often.

Apparently the supervisor of tonight's events has written two successful thrillers. I bet he's going to ponder what to lead with on Linked In in the morning.

Graham Norton's been a lot less arch tonight, hasn't he?

10.55

We're going to get the scores now. Apparently the jury votes were done last night, and we get those first.

Israel say "we all needed Eurovision". Hmm. Maybe some other things, too? 12 to Switzerland.

Poland - "dressed as Zebra". Okay, Norton's still got a raised eyebrow. 12 to San Marino.

It's early, but UK already running a zero score.

San Marino have written their score down on a piece of paper, in case they'd forget the word France.

Albania's judge appears to have broken off a date with a divorcee to bring 12 points for Switzerland

11.00

Over to Malta, who are showing their skill with languages. 12 to Albania.

It's a bit of a mixed bag of scores so far, apart from everyone hating us.

Estonia give 12 to Switzerland.

North Macedonia - their first scores under this name, but still not significant enough for them to buy a proper shirt. 12 to Serbia, to add to the single tick they'd had so far.

Azerbaijan have two people doing the scores. And they're singing. And milking their time for all its worth.. 12 to Russia.

The UK is still on a flat zero.

Now to Norway, giving a 12 to Malta

Spain are up next; she's an old hand at this, so does the bluster quickly before getting to 12 to France bit.

Austria are wearing an EQUALITY shirt. So 12 to everyone? No. Iceland get special treatment making you a HYPOCRITE.

Switzerland are leading the pack; Malta's contestant looks a bit glum.

Here's Amanda Holden, fresh from the Singing Show. "I'm Amanda Holden" says Amanda Holden. 12 to France.

Just UK and Norway yet to score.

Oh, Italy given 2 to Norway, so... another good year then. Italy's 12 to Lithuania. Well done, little lemon gang.

Slovenia has a glittery jumpsuit and a massive belt. 12 for Italy.

Greece are up way after their bedtime - he's ten years old. Knows to give his 12 to Cyprus, though.

Latvia give 12 to Switzerland from their Goth jumpsuit.

Ireland give 12 to someone - France? - and Moldova come on and play a saxophone, apparently in a bid to become the Most Hated Country in Europe. 12 to Bulgaria. Bulgaria? Really?

Off to Serbia, who are dressed as Jessica Rabbit but remember to say good morning to Australia. The 12 for France nips them ahead of Switzerland.

11.10

Bulgaria have made an effort. Moldova get 12. Nobody is running away with it tonight.

Cyprus' budget Greg Proops brings 12 for Greece.

Belguim have come all in white. They've trotted out 12 for Switzerland.

The UK sit, forlornly, at the bottom on zilch.

Some of Europe are now enjoying adverts, and we're not. We're backstage. At least the French singer has been able to get a tracksuit top to give herself a bit of warmth.

11.15

Back to the votes.

Germany appear to be trying out new teeth as they come on screen. 12 for France.

Australia are up early, or are they late? He sounds like he's had more than one of the massive glasses of champers he's holding. Malta crack a smile at last as they get a 12.

Finland are wearing a massive spangly jacket, and endosing Switzerland.

portugal are doing a Lego minfig tribute with 12 to Bulgaria,

Switzerland are now two points ahead of France.

Ukraine are dressed like Mother Christmas and there's 12 points for Italy in their sack.

"We're now joined by Iceland" says the presenter, and she sounds tired.

Iceland's bit about the movie and Ya Ya Ding Dong is probably funny if you've seen it. Switzerland get 12.

Romania have sent an Olympic Gymnast - no, really. Malta get the big score this time.

Croatia have put a proper suit on.. Doesn't fit him, but it's expensive. Italy are their choice.

The Czech Republic are wonderfully overdressed. Portugal hit the 12.

The UK are on zero, still. Switzerland opening a lead.

Georgia are wearing a t-shirt with a map of Georgia on. probably. 12 to Italy.

Lithuania are the Collector from Guardians Of The Galaxy. Ukraine score 12.

Denmark couldn't be any more Denmark. Switzerland get 12 again.

Five more to go. Switzerland 249, France on 218. UK...0.

11.25

Russia: two mics and a crucifix. Moldova get a dozen.

France have a mouth full of teeth, and douse points for Greece

Sweden are having their raincoat adjusted as we join them. "I know how your contestants feel" she says. Yes, they're feeling like they'd like you to get on with it. Malta, eventually, take 12.

UK? Still on zero.

Switzerland are in leopard print - twelve to France, but hardly anyone noticed.

Finally, the local score from the Netherlands - and it's 12 across the border.

11.30

So, that's the juries.

Now, to the phone votes. Oh, after a break. So time for a quick look at the leaders:

Switzerland 267, France 238, Malta 208, Italy 206

NOW for the public votes.

The UK going home with the coverted pointless trophy #EUROVISION pic.twitter.com/dNIOEAENbE

— ashleigh 🌻 (@ashhleigh16) May 22, 2021

Remember, too, they're going to dock us 50 for Amanda Holden.

The UK gets zero from the public.

Holy shit.

The crowd in the Plague Pit do give James a lot of love, though. And I think he's had a drink. 

Germany also get a zero. So does Spain.

Did nobody vote?

Nothing for The Netherlands.

More votes coming in, and countries are starting to get a dribble of votes. But it's all very low.

Lithuania have got 165, the first decent sized score. Go Team Lemon.

Then back down to earth as Belgium get just three.

Finland get 218, which pings them from bottom half to - for now -  being in the lead.

11.40

They're going to overrun, by the way.

Ukraine scoop up 267 points. That's enough for the producer to play some funky music and sticks them on top of the board with 364.

Russia's 100 gives them a total of 204, strong middle placing.

Portugal only get 27 public votes, for a total of 153. Bulgaria only get 30.

Iceland are gifted 180, and that takes them to the top.

Italy 318, gives them 524 and pushes them to number one.

11.45 

"It's not going to be long now" - tell that to whoever's waiting to do the news, mate.

Malta only get 47 - she's trying to look like she's okay with it. But she isn't.

So will it be Switzerland, or will it be France?

They're trying to drag out the tension.

France get, from the public, 251 points - which only takes them to second.

So, which side of the Alps has won - Switzerland or Italy?

Switzerland need 258...

Oh, god, we're getting a recap.

165.

Italy scoop it up.

Bloody hell.

That was actually quite exciting - although not quite as exciting as they were trying to make it.

At least it's a memorable winner, because I can't remember how the Switzerland one went.

Squeezing into these trousers deserves 1st place tbh #Eurovision pic.twitter.com/r1X04UHwq7

— BuzzFeed UK (@BuzzFeedUK) May 22, 2021

11.50

So, what have we learned?

The Blogger HTML editing interface has become bloody awful over the last couple of years, mainly.

The UK are never going to win Eurovision again; we couldn't do any worse if we sent Keir Starmer in to do a song and dance routine. 

The European public, left to their own devices, can't be trusted with voting, except when they can.

And having a year off made Eurovision feel like a lot more fun.

11.55

Maneskin are doing the reprise as they roll the credits. It's an okay song. Sort of thing you might hear in the taxi as you head towards Turin airport, and might even Shazam, before promptly forgetting their name before you even get a luggage trolley from the rack.

Midnight

Victoria Derbyshire looks knackered and frankly could have done without the extra fifteen minute wait, thank you very much.

"Good morning" she says, tartly.

Just time for a quick final look at Twitter:

Winner: Placebo Domingo #Eurovision

— Phil Norman (@MrPhilNorman) May 22, 2021

Looks like we can’t even take music to Europe any more #Eurovision

— Tim Burgess (@Tim_Burgess) May 22, 2021

It's ok, dude, 3 points you're a no-one, 0 points you're a pub quiz answer. #Eurovision

— Sam Whyte (@SamWhyte) May 22, 2021

Noticed he was rubbing his nose on the way onto the stage too. https://t.co/VPeoaHgoMX

— GigerPunk (@GigerPunk) May 22, 2021

It's been fun. May very well be back next year, pandemics permitting.