Gordon in the morning: Star of the Brits 2013 says Brits was boring

This morning, Robbie Williams is expanding on how dull the Brits were:

He said: “It’s a lot of back-slapping."

Yes, Robbie. An industry-created awards ceremony handing out awards to people selected by the industry, mainly designed to increase sales would tend to consist of back-slapping. That's surely not news to you, is it? The Brits have been running like this since 1977.

Do you have a counterplan, Mr Williams?

I think people should be entertained.

Actually, for the Brits that does sound like a pretty out-there idea.

It's not clear if Williams has yet thought through the implications of his 'there's no Santa' moment - if he has yet to realise the constant booking and feting of Take That & himself is a major symptom of the problem.

“I was backstage and it was dead — it might as well have been a dentists’ convention."

Actually, a dentists' convention might have been a bit more interesting, as it wouldn't have been the same bloody dentists who turn up to every possible event of this sort. Watching root canal work might be preferable to watching Emeli Sande traipse through the album again.

Williams then goes on to list the same list of things that everyone lists when they say how great the Brits were:

I’m from 1996 and 1997 where there was CHUMBAWAMBA throwing a bucket of water in JOHN PRESCOTT’s face...

That was a thing that wasn't really "entertaining" for the audience as it wasn't shown as part of the ceremony.

or JARVIS COCKER getting up on stage and then being thrown off when MICHAEL JACKSON was on

Again, that didn't entertain people directly, as by the time the awards show was made to air, Jarvis' stage invasion had been edited out.

Or OASIS being nasty to MICHAEL HUTCHENCE

Wasn't that a bloke who was living in the 1960s objecting to getting a prize from a man famous in the 1980s? On a par with, say, a dental surgeon refusing to accept a prize handed out by a hygienist.

or me offering LIAM GALLAGHER out

Nobody other than you even remembers that happening, Robbie.

The trouble with this is that the incidents he mentions - mostly - happened during the height of the control-freakery period, when they didn't even show the programme live lest something happen. You can't force 'things' to occur, and if you try... well, you'll end up with James Corden presiding over a dental convention.