Gordon in the morning: Rock sensation

It's not an exclusive - oh, no: it's a Rock Sensation, as Gordon breathlessly reports a story that I'm betting has very little basis to it at all:

LED ZEPPELIN frontman ROBERT PLANT is to be given an ultimatum by his bandmates – join us on tour or we’ll replace you.

Zep guitarist JIMMY PAGE, bassist JOHN PAUL JONES and drummer JASON BONHAM have been busy recently rehearsing in West London’s Ritz Studio and using stand-in vocalists.

And one American singer has been so impressive the other band members are confident they could hit the road next year WITHOUT their iconic frontman.

Did Gordon read that back before publishing it, do you think? The idea that a band could tour without the iconic frontman and somehow it would be worth doing?

Smart spends some time blustering through the idea that Page and not-actually-the-drummer-but-his-son are hurling ultimatums at Plant, before suddenly conceding that:

If he does not take part it remains unclear whether the group will be allowed to use the name Led Zeppelin.

So, they're threatening Plant that if he doesn't join a Led Zep reunion, they'll, erm, do something else.

Gordon in the morning

Well, now we know why Gordon wasn't at Led Zep: it sounds like he's plodding about behind the Spice Girls, spending RupertJames' money on an American jolly. It's fair to say he's a little starstruck, as - like politicians - the Spices can't help sucking up to The Sun:

During a gap between songs, EMMA BUNTON said to her bandmates: “Have you seen that guy in row B?” (where I was sitting).

GERI HALLIWELL replied: “What, the Scottish guy with the nice eyes?” (Aaah, bless. It’s all pretty good so far).

Then MEL B: “The bloke who edits the Bizarre column of The Sun?” (Ooops, I’m not known as their No1 fan).

POSH added: “That’s him” and SCARY, obviously, had to have the final word. She said brazenly, as I cringed, wondering exactly what was coming: “He’s got a massive, huge, gigantic . . . personality!”

Most of the Vegas crowd didn’t notice my massive, huge, gigantic grin as I savoured the message.

Your massive, huge, gigantic grin? Good lord, man. If you feel this is something to brag about, at least try and write it up in a way that doesn't make it sound like 'what I did done do on my holidays'. (We do love, though, that "most" - as if there were a knowing few cognoscenti would have been nudging each other saying 'that's that Smart, that is...' - whereas, of course, the audience would actually have been wondering why the Spice Girls were making so much fuss over a supermarket tabloid.)

Funny, though, that Gordon managed to miss the story that was in all the other papers - how few people turned up for the gig. No wonder they were able to single Gordon out for special treatment. He probably was all of Row B.

Still, if he's pulling together his column in a hotel room in Nevada, it explains how an actual story might have accidentally sneaked into his page: Noel Gallagher apparently being too drunk to remember what he said to Jimmy Page after the Led Zep gig. But elsewhere, it's business as usual: that naked Paris Hilton champagne advert being treated like it's worth an article, and a clunking piece of text to go with a photo of Kylie Minogue:

KYLIE MINOGUE is getting into this biker-influenced look.

We don't know what the bikers wear round Smart's way, but we've never seen anyone on a Harley in a couture mini-dress and fishnets.

I wonder who had the top job of zipping her up before the Nobel Peace Prize Concert in Oslo on Tuesday?

She must break more than just 2 Hearts a week.

Eh? Because she has a tight dress, she ends relationships with at least three people every seven days? Oh... is it just a crowbarred in pun based on a songtitle?

Led Zep eBay mixed messages

Jimmy Page has helped organise a charity auction through eBay designed to raise money for Brazilian street kids. It's a good cause, and a lovely gesture.

Hang on, though... isn't eBay evil? Wasn't it just last month that charming Harvey Goldsmith railed at them:

"I wish eBay would drop dead and die... I have begged them to take [the tickets] off and they have basically told us to fuck off. So I will do everything I possibly can to ruin their lives."

(We're not entirely sure, inter alia, how one ruins the 'lives' of a corporation and makes it drop dead.)

Do you suppose Harvey was aware the key draw of the night would be using eBay for a legit auction?

Led on? Page hints at Zep tour

The Led Zep reunion - and, ready yourself to look surprised, okay? - might be more than that strictly one-off, no-more, that's it show. Jimmy Page slipped the word to Guitar World magazine:

"It's a bit silly not to because there is such massive demand.

"It's a bit selfish to do just one show. If that's it, we probably shouldn't have taken the genie out of the bottle."

Aha. Public demand. At least unlike the "public demand" which has resurrected Boyzone, this probably does have some routes in the actual public.

Led Zep give gig the finger

The long-awaited Led Zeppelin reunion gig is going to be slightly longer-awaited: Jimmy Page has broken a finger.

It's all a bit strange, though:

A spokesman said the band had not revealed which finger was affected or how the fracture occurred.

They're not even revealing if Page has broken one of his own fingers, or one on someone else's hands.

Re-inflating the Zeppelin?

You never should believe stuff you read in blogs, just as a default position, but Danny Eccleston's Mojo Blog claims that Led Zeppelin could be about to reform have a ring of truth about them. Apparently Page, Jones and Plant have lined up Jason Bonham to take his Dad's place; the original idea is to do a get-together as a tribute to Ahmet Ertegun - and if that date, before the end of the year, goes well, there could be a tour.

Quick! We must help out Jimmy Page financially

It's heartbreaking to hear from Connect News that Jimmy Page is making a "poor" profit on the sale of his house in West Sussex. He's only managed a £800,000 profit in three years on the place. We're selling a kidney to try and help him out of this terrible, terrible predicament, and we suggest you do the same. Heartbreaking.