But, you know, in a manly way

Yes, it really did look like Liam was nibbling Ricky Hatton's ear as the Gallagher brothers continued their mission to turn into the Mitchell brothers.

But, obviously, in a manly way. It doesn't mean anything, Gordon.

Gordon in the morning: Oh, Ricky, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind

It's hard to believe that Gordon Smart has found yet another story for his cutting edge gossipy story page involving Ricky Hatton - and this one involves a photo with Hatton's face covered in cold, dripping gunk and loving every minute of it.

Hatton is apparently being added to Louis Tussauds Hall of Fame in Blackpool, and was having his moulds made. Yes, yes, this is Gordon Smart running a story about a provincial waxworks adding a minor sports star to their uncannily wax-like models in 2008. Could Smart have found a non-story about an any more faded entertainment icon that would be of even less interest to his young audience?

PLAYBOY supremo HUGH HEFNER has lined up 19-year-old twin beauties to replace his “number one girlfriend”.

Oh, yes.

Gordon in the morning: The Boxer

Who knew that Gordon would try and drag a second day of coverage out of meeting Ricky Hatton at the Oasis Liverpool gig? Oh... you'd guessed, had you?

Even the people employed to make Gordon's stuff look seem less-than-inspired by some guff about how Ricky and Noel will share a small bus on a trip to Mexico (and how much would Gordo love a bunk on that charabanc, eh?). There's a half-arsed attempt to mock up how the brothers Gallagher and Hatton might look if they were in a Mariachi band, and then... they're reduced to sticking in a library photo of a bottle of beer. With the caption:

Wish you were beer? ... lads' road trip

Hatton, apparently, is going to be the new Michael Parkinson:

I met him afterwards as he left for an early-ish night as his gruelling training regime has kicked in.

He also has his own chat show, on a digital channel in the pipeline.

He said: “I want Noel on it. I’ve got great guests sorted already. It will be a laugh.”

I think that Gordon missed out a comma. Unless they're really going to just make Hatton present on a channel in an actual pipeline. And I'm sure that Hatton didn't mean that quote to read as 'I've already got great guests sorted, but I want Noel on as well'. Almost certain.

Noel, meanwhile, is going to put on his bikini and walk around the ring carrying a card reading 'ROUND ONE' or something:

Noel said: “I’m going to carry a belt into the ring for Ricky.

“He told me to hang it over my shoulder but I’ll be holding it up over my head, marching.

“We’re going to do a road trip to the Oasis gig in Mexico after. It’ll be a proper smash-up.”

It's like that bloke that Noel loves used to sing, isn't it? Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love is all you need... love... love...

Gordon in the morning: Gordon hearts Oasis

So, Noel Gallagher is back on his feet, Oasis are back in the country, and Gordon Smart is in his very heaven:

IN the words of LIAM GALLAGHER: “Fuck the credit crunch”.

You might think that it's slightly easier for a multimillionaire to take such a blasé attitude to global financial meltdown than, say, someone struggling to keep a roof over their head or looking at their job being wiped out, but to be fair: you're not going to look to Oasis to show any understanding of the world we live in. Or anything that's happened since 1973.

Hilariously, the band were introduced by Ricky Hatton, in what appears to be an attempt to try and make everyone forget that the band are more like Weebles than the lads they used to be. Hatton growled, much to Gordon's delight:

The boxer bowled up before the set and said: “It’s an honour for me to introduce these boys on stage.

“They are the best band in Britain, the biggest band in the world and I’m proud to call them friends.

“And you can forget trying to come on stage, like in Canada, or you’ll have me to fucking deal with.”

Biggest band in the world? Really? Bigger than Radiohead, Coldplay, The Jonas Brothers, The Pussycat Dolls or String Cheese Incident? Blimey, getting your head punched for a living has a clear effect on your judgment, doesn't it?

Gordon, though, is clearly thrilled at having a chat with a man whose professional life involves taking his shirt off and getting sweaty with another bloke.

Still, let's just let Gordon enjoy the gig, and not go looking for homoerotic overtones, shall we?

Noel broke his ribs when he was pushed off the stage by a nutter at a festival in Toronto last month.

And Liam, using a barrage of expletives, told how he’d love to get hold of the idiot, cut his manhood off and eat it.

"You have challenged and beaten my leader. I'm going to eat your cock. As, you know, a punishment."

So, how did Robbie William's former drummer fit in?

It was like watching THE WHO’s KEITH MOON.

Gordon, naturally, saw Keith Moon drum many times, until Moon's life was cut cruelly short two years before Smart was born.

Still, in the interests of balance, Smart isn't going to end to some sort of fanzinesque complete overstatement, is it?

Ten out of ten doesn’t do it justice.

Oh.

Spice Girls: the audience simply doesn't show up

Over in Las Vegas, trouble hits the Spice Girls reunion. The Mandalay Pavilion probably wasn't, as the Mail has it, half-empty; but it does seem to have been only three-quarters full.

Mind you, the audience had that boxer bloke who everyone liked last week when they thought he was going to be better at punching people, and Colleen McLoughlin in the audience, so perhaps they don't quite count.