Chris Moyles quits

Chris Moyles - who older readers might remember was once Tony Blackburn - is quitting showbusiness, presumably to better concentrate on his used car business.

Speaking at Glastonbury, which he attended for fun rather than work, Moylesy con­­firmed: “I’m retired now. I haven’t got any plans and I’m just having a lot of fun.

"I honestly don’t know what I want to do. I’ve done a lot of time on radio and I’ve put myself out there. So, yes, I’m retired. I get to do things like this, come to Glastonbury and hang out.”

Moyles, if you're putting yourself out there and hanging out, it might be time to think about elasticated waistbands.

This is tragic news, as it suggests we might never hear those exciting other projects he claimed Radio One was lining up for him when they eased him off breakfasts.

Justin Bieber cruelly raises our hopes

Justin Bieber is teasing us:

No amount of holiday gifts could compensate for the fact that Justin Bieber told L.A. radio station Power 106 Tuesday that he’s calling it quits after his new album, “Journals,” is released on Dec. 23.

“Um, I’m actually, I’m retiring man, I’m retiring,” Bieber said with a straight face behind black shades.

He added that he’s “just going to take some time. I think I’m probably going to quit music.”

That's already backtracking right there, from retiring to taking some time, and 'probably ' quitting.

It's not entirely clear what job Bieber has had in music from which he's retiring; experts suggested he might be referring to the work he's done in the entertainment industry posing for CD sleeve photographs.

Iain Duncan Smith issued a statement: "While I'm keen for most people to work and work until their pathetic bodies crumble to dust, I'm happy to make an exception in Bieber's case, and wish him well in his new life of watching Homes Under The Hammer and nipping down the Co-Op to fight for a reduced to clear chicken pie."

Mozzer cancels rest of South American tour; possibly rest of career

I wonder if Morrissey ever expects to be playing the gigs he announces these days? He's just pulled the South American dates that hadn't already been hit by his most recent illness. He sounds kind of, well, retirey:

I am informed today that the projected tour of South America is snuffed out, thus euthanized - due, I'm reliably advised, to lack of funding. It's quite easy to sell tickets, yet impossible to transport band and crew from F to G.

In a year when far too many disappointments have been buried this really is the last of many final straws, and I am not alone in feeling this.

The future is suddenly absent, and my apologies are now so frequent as to be somewhat ridiculous, and it is I who apologize because no one else would bother. It is agonizing to be responsible for imparting such news - especially when it springs upon me unexpectedly and inexplicably.

But the collapse of South America rings the curtain down with a colossal thud, and the major problems remain as insoluble now as they were in 2009. The obvious conclusion stares back at me from the mirror, and the wheels are finally off the covered wagon.

Cancellations and illness have sucked the life out of all of us, and the only sensible solution seems to be the art of doing nothing.

As always I ask your pardon, and I offer pangs of overwhelming love and gratitude to the band and the crew, whose loyalty stretched above and beyond.

I'm sure it's all just overwrought and written in passion - it's always passion with him - but that statement does come across as bit "oh, what's the bloody point".

Phil Collins quits to spend more time with Phil Collins

Phil Collins is calling it a day and retiring:

Greetings to all, I've decided to write this in response to the articles that surfaced last weekend regarding my retirement. Why they were printed at all is a mystery, as I haven't spoken to anybody in the press for a few months.

However, many of the articles printed over the last few months have ended up painting a picture of me that is more than a little distorted. Therefore, I would like to add my comments and try to explain again my reasons for calling it a day.

1/ I'm not stopping because of dodgy reviews or bad treatment in the press.

2/ I'm not stopping because I don't feel loved, I know I still have a very large fanbase that loves what I do. Thank you.

3/ I'm not stopping because I don't fit in, this was proved with "Going Back" reaching No 1 in the UK, and doing incredibly well worldwide.

4/ I'm not stopping so I can dive full time into my interest for the Alamo.

I am stopping so I can be a full time father to my two young sons on a daily basis.

Some of the things mentioned above have been said by me in various interviews, but said as asides with a smile on my face and in passing. They were not meant to be "headlines", they were small parts of a conversation. This clearly doesn't come over in print and I should know better.

However, the result is that I have ended up sounding like a tormented weirdo who thinks he was at the Alamo in another life, who feels very sorry for himself, and is retiring hurt because of the bad press over the years.

None of this is true.

Thanks for all your messages on the Forum regarding this stuff, it means a lot that you care.
But there's no need for the straitjacket !

Why, Phil? Why would you not have ended that "there's no straitjacket required"? Surely that was the obvious joke to leave us on?

He does have a point - he managed a number one album last year, albeit only for a week before being unseated by The Script. Oh, lord, what have we done where The Script and Phil Collins are battling each other for number one?

Still, we'll miss Phil. Not as much as the nation missed his taxes while he was living in exile, but we'll miss him a bit. I don't know what I'll do now I no longer have his records passing me by without my noticing.

Elton John retires from pop

Given that he's only managed a top ten hit once in the last five years, and his best chart position he's managed with the last five singles was 138, Elton John's 'retirement' from pop is a bit like a three-legged horse ruling itself out for the National. If you don't count Candle In The Wind Diana Remix, he's not managed to make the US Top Ten since 1994.

Still, it's time, says Elt:

He told GQ: "Look, I'm 63. I don't want to be on VH1 or MTV. I'm not going to compete with JLS or Lady GaGa. I'm at that stage where I don't think I can write pop music anymore. I can't sit down and do a proper rock song. It was okay when I was 25 or 26, but not anymore.

"I like to do my little side projects like Scissor Sisters and have fun, but I don't think Elton John will be putting any pop singles out."

Amusingly, given that Paul McCartney is in today's Sun saying how brilliant modern music is, Elton disagrees:

John recently claimed that modern-day songwriters are "pretty awful" and that current pop music "isn't very inspiring".

I wonder how Elton John and Paul McCartney can have such differing views of the state of modern music? (Clue: sales of The Captain And The Kid v Memory Almost Full).

The Rolling Stones call it day... in the future... perhaps

MTV trumpets the end of the uberdinosaurs:

Rolling Stones To Retire
Band set to announce last ever world tour...

And not a moment too soon, you might agree. Although it turns out this last ever tour is going to roll through the various tax regimes until 2012, so it's not like there's going to be anyone in to accept deliveries of frozen meals at home any time soon.

Still, 2012 is the 50th anniversary of the band forming - remember when fifty year-old rock stars were unusual, much less fifty year-old bands? - so there's something pleasing about choosing that date to retire.

Only it turns out that they're not actually saying they're going to retire at all:

"They're likely to perform in stadiums,” the insider said of the group. “It's almost certainly the last full-scale world tour. The band realise that age is creeping up on them. They want to bow out on top of their game, and not short-change their fans."

That "almost certainly" suggests its less about this being the planned farewell tour, more a 'chances are this'll be it as those hips won't last forever' tour.

Still, charming to think the band still believe they're at the top of their game. I'm not entirely sure they've actually recorded anything since Undercover that was worth the bother of magnetising the tape.

The Donnas: Torry retires

Torry Castellano, drummer with The Donnas, is retiring, hurt. In her own words:

Hey All,

This is a very difficult message for me to write. As many of you already know, I've been dealing with a painful shoulder injury for the last 2 years and I have had to take time off from playing the drums. I have tried numerous different therapies, including physical therapy, sometimes up to 3 times a week, trigger point shots, exercises, and rest, but none of them have gotten me to a place where I can play again. Unfortunately, unlike when I had my wrist problems, there is no specific surgery that can help with my shoulder.

As I am still in pain, my doctors have come to the conclusion that I cannot play the drums anymore because if I continue I will be in pain for the rest of my life. After much thought and many conversations with the other girls I have decided I have to retire. My retirement has brought me a lot of sadness because I love playing the drums and being a part of the Donnas family, which of course includes all of you. I've loved all the experiences that we've had together and I really want to thank all of you for your support and the fun times. Even though I can't play anymore, I would never want the other girls to have to give up something that they love and I know that they will continue to make and play great rock 'n roll.

I've had to think about what I'm going to do now. While I have been resting my shoulder, I've been taking some classes and doing this has really helped me to have something to put my energies into. I've decided to continue with this, and I will be starting Stanford University in the fall. I know that I'll miss living near the other girls, but I'll be seeing them and the rest of you at their future Bay Area shows.

No matter what, I will always be a Donna and be a part of the Donna's family. I know you guys will continue to support the band and I'll be there too, as the #1 Donnaholic.

See you, Sia

Sia is preparing to sort of retire from music - or at least the music industry:

"I'm going to promote the shit out of this record. I'm seeing it as an investment.

"After this record I'll make records and I'll put them out but I will not promote or tour them. I'll just write pop songs for other people."

And the main reason she's quitting? Partly the demands of the major labels - in her case, Sony:

"I've never been a 'priority' before," she told The Age.

"This buzz doesn't just come because of a good song. It's marketing. Which is sick. This is a sick business. It's so sad. Knowing now what goes into making a successful artist, it's disheartening."

But she's also had enough because of the behaviour of Perez Hilton:

"When I was outed by Perez Hilton as bisexual, I suddenly started being asked a lot of personal questions, which was really difficult. I'd had a relationship with a woman when I was 20, but nobody cared then.

"As it came at the same time as my fame, it made me withdraw, and I started to have panic attacks. It was then that I was prescribed antidepressants - fame made me develop a panic disorder."

Well done, Perez. Thanks - once again - for your contribution to making culture just a little less glittery.

Don't tell me The Dream is over, I live in a dream

Ah, yes - one of our favourite headlines pressed into action again, this time as The Dream quits music:

“Nope, there’s not another album, this is it,” Dream said. “Nobody appreciates music so I’m out. I’m out. I’m good, so take that. Like Jay said, maybe y’all will remember me when I fade to black. So it’s out.”

Actually, Mr. Dream, there's a good chance people will remember Jay-Z. If your retirement was going to have a similar effect, I suspect you wouldn't be retiring in the first place.

Nobody appreciates music? I think you missed out a 'my' there, didn't you?

Having stretched his Isthmian Premier rap by comparing it to Jay-Z, he then decides he needs a comparison point from a higher level yet:

“It’s the last album, period,” he said. “I really would like it to be the last one if I could — in a perfect world…In the back of my mind, I’m thinking a fighter fights. You don’t retire on top. [Michael] Jordan didn’t retire on top.”

Even Dream realised that this was going a bit far, and before anyone could shoot milk out their nose and say 'in your dreams, Dream', he rowed back:

“I’m not saying I’m the best [like him], but I’m the best at what I can do. And I can stop now and say, ‘This album is pretty good.’”

It almost sounds as if, having pictured himself playing rap against Jordan's basketball, he suddenly realised how short he'd fallen, and realised there weren't going to be a public 'don't die' campaign, and realised that, far from being a clever stunt, his retirement is probably going to be a retirement.

Lily Allen has other stuff to do, you know

Lily Allen is taking a career break, and won't be releasing any new music until 2011, or maybe - if we're lucky - 2012:

Speaking to Radio 1's Sara Cox she said: "My last gig is my Dizzee Rascal concert at the O2 (London) in March. That's the last thing I've got planned.

"I'm just going to concentrate on doing some behind the scenes sort of stuff."

Given that it was nearly three years between Alright, Still and It's Not Me, It's Me Me Me, saying that you shouldn't expect an album until 2012 isn't really worthy of an announcement.

Hope I retire before I get C-old-play

Oh, if only Chris Martin's musings on retirement formed some sort of legally binding contract:

"I'm 31 now and I don't think that bands should keep going past 33.
"I don't believe in time off. We've still got most of our hair, we can still fit into our musical trousers and we've got to make the most of that."

Given that Martin's dirges sound like they've been written for men of 50 by older, wiser heads, it's not immediately clear why he'd feel the need to disband as soon as he hit Jesus' age, but let's not discourage him.

Nor is it entirely clear what, if Martin doesn't believe in "time off", explains the paucity of achievement of the band - four albums in twelve years hardly speaks of too tight an embrace of the Protestant Work Ethic, does it?

Still, could someone put something in their diaries for 2010 to remind Martin of his pledge to give up? Thanks.

Santana: 'it's time to throw over the music business and become a church'

Presumably inspired by the slavish and unquestioning devotion he receives from his fans, Carlos Santana is thinking of giving it up to go and establish a church in Hawaii.

It's not clear if he thinks that Hawaii is especially godless, or if it's just that you might as well pick a warm place to semi-retire; the church bit, though, is clear:

"I'm not sick of what I do, but I find that God gave me the gift of communication even without my guitar and with the ability to get people unstuck with certain sections of the Bible having to do with guilt, shame, judgment and fear," he said.

It's great that god gave him the gift of communicating how unstuck he can become out people from Bible fear sections, isn't it?

As the BBC points out, preaching would only be an extra pie on Santana's wide shelf:

He has his own line of women's shoes, another of sparkling white wine and he is also a partner in a chain of Mexican restaurants.

We're looking forward to getting communion from Carlos; the first church where you get a choice of wheat or corn host's body and the wine has some effervescence.

Daltrey: Against forced retirement

Roger Daltrey has called for an end to mandatory retirement at the age of 65. He is, you'll note, 64:

"It's criminal that people are being retired before they are ready to go.

"Many have so much to give but they never get the chance."

It's a good point. People who've been around for a long time are often belittled and treated as if they're in the way. It's almost like people have built their careers on singing about how they'd rather die than get old, isn't it?

Musician's retirement home faces closure

The Musician's Benevolent Fund has announced plans to close Ivor Newton House, the only residential care home for musicians in the UK. It means that residents, some nearing 100, are going to be forced to move out of their current home.

The Musicians Union is organising a petition calling on the MBF to overturn the plans to shutter the building; the MBF claim it isn't "viable" to not turf out octogenarians and nonagenarians and sell the lucrative property in Bromley.

But here's a thought: if the MBF can't see a way of making it viable, why don't all those richer, older celebrities like Cliff Richard dig into their pockets and keep the place afloat? After all, Cliff and his chums are always stressing that they've been seeking to get mechanical copyright extended not to line their own pockets, but to help out less-well-off musicians. Why, here's a chance for them to demonstrate that in action. They could even pledge to sign over any earnings from copyright being extended past fifty years straight to the MBF, on the proviso that services like Ivor Norman House remain being offered. Wouldn't that make everyone happy?

Eminem: Time hangs heavy

Given that Eminem has got so bored he's making spoof phonecalls to his own radio station and telling LL Cool J how much he loves him - not the way Ladies Love Cool James, of course - it's probably a good thing he's unretiring himself and making a new album.

Even if it's been created out of boredom rather than any pressing thing that needs to be said.

George Michael needs a rest

As befits a man who often pulls his car over to one side of the road - or possibly not even that - when he feels the need for a nap coming on, George Michael has announced plans to take things more easily.

He's going to retire from touring after playing a couple of London dates later this year.

This follows on from the announcement several years ago by nearly everybody that they were retiring from going to watch George Michael playing live.

Anyone want to put in a fiver for Phil Collins' retirement card?

Although we're surprised that the Times has concluded that Phil Collins is "hip" because his music appeared on an advert selling largely inedible chocolate, you have to at least credit them with the breaking the news of his retirement.

Yes, you'd been wondering why there had been all those beacons burning and every church bell in the kingdom was clanging, hadn't you?

Lupe has had enough

Frankly, when I heard the news, I wasn't that surprised:

"Have you heard? Lupe's getting out of the business."

"Well", I said, "he's had a fair try at it, but he's never really made it through to one of the all-time-greats. He's always been more a Captain Ric than a Captain Crunch."

"What are you talking about?"

"Loopy, the Kellogg's Honey Nut Loops Bee. Kelloggs Honey Nut Loops, let's loop together..."

"No, you idiot. Not Loopy, Lupe. L-U-P-E. Lupe Fiasco. He's had enough of the music industry and plans to quit next year."

"Oh. So there's no need for Crackle out of Snap, Crackle and Pop to put in a CV?"

"Not unless they're wanting to become a rapper, no."

"Pity. Crackle's been keen to launch a solo career ever since Coco The Monkey started dating both of the Bisto kids."

"No, this has nothing to do with cereal mascots. This is huge - Lupe Fiasco. Quitting music."

"Is he really quitting, though? Or is this like Jay-Z or Eminem, where they run out of things to say in interviews because, frankly, their lives get a little too comfy, and a little too dull, and threatening retirement is the only thing they can think of it liven matters up?"

"Hang about... yes, he does seem to have rather a full list of planned collaborations down for a man about to hang up his earphones. So he's probably not serious about it, no."

"Oh."

"So, then... has Crackle thought of sounding out PopTarts?"

Johnny's had his day

Johnny Hallyday has decided the time has come to retire from live performance, telling TF1:

"I've decided to stop. I made this decision, not an easy one, because there comes a day when you have to stop."

And, of course, if you never retire, how can you have the lucrative comebacks?

Ding dong, ding dong, the wicked witch is dead

Of course, they'll replace her with an equally soulless company drone, but for a moment, let's spend a moment enjoying the news that Rosen is going to quit the RIAA. Our sympathy goes to her children, with whom she intends to spend more time.