Doctor Boyle

I know that honorary degrees are one part 'rewarding the worthy' to one part 'let's remind the wider world that our university exists', but even by the second of those standards Queen Margaret University's honorary doctorate for Susan Boyle is puzzling.

The official press release says the honour is for her work:

She will receive her honorary doctorate in recognition of significant services to culture and the creative industries.

Really? Significant services?

The university tries to suggest what these might be:

Her first album, I Dreamed a Dream, was the fastest-selling debut album of all time. With the release of two further albums she has since sold over 18 million albums worldwide, and had over 120 platinum and gold albums across 38 countries. She was the first female artist to have two number one albums simultaneously in the UK and USA twice within 12 months in the history of the charts. Only the Beatles and The Monkees have achieved the same.

She has performed for Pope Benedict XVI and Queen Elizabeth II, and performed on TV in the UK, USA, Australia, Ireland, and Japan. She has also performed live on television in China to half a billion people on China’s Got Talent. A documentary has been made about her life and the stage musical, I Dreamed a Dream, has sold out across the country to enthusiastic and appreciative audiences.

Falling back on chart statistics suggests a surprising lack of academic rigour at QMU - these may or may not be achievements in their own right, but surely the changing nature of the recorded music market and the way the rules of chart qualification have been rewritten so regularly makes any historic comparison meaningless.

And, yes, she sold a surprising number of records - many of which, I think we'd guess, lay unplayed in the middle of piles of other well-intentioned gifts. But does that really qualify as "services to the creative industries"? It's just turning up and doing your job, isn't it?

It's nice to give prizes, but she was sharing the ceremony with Colin Trevarthen, who has a somewhat different CV:

[He] worked with Roger Sperry on the neuroscience of consciousness and how complementary motives of the two cerebral hemispheres serve intelligent acting and communicating. He was a post-doctoral researcher at the Center for Cognitive Studies at Harvard, where his influential research on infant communication or 'intersubjectivity' began with Jerome Bruner in 1966

Silly boy. He should have just learned the words to Oh What A Circus and gone on Bob Says Opportunity Knocks.

Gordon in the morning: Woman dances to popular song at party

Really, Gordon? Susan Boyle dancing to a well-worn Guns N Roses track at a party not only so surprising that you get your people to make this:

... but also led your column with the, uh, "story"?

Gordon in the morning: Close Boyle

I suppose, since Streep is doing Thatcher, it left the casting for the pointless Susan Boyle biopic (plot: an hour and a half of pottering round the shops buying cat food, followed by two minutes of Americans watching YouTube and going 'wow', and ten minutes of declining interest) wide open.

Glenn Close.

It's such a pointless idea and such a rotten piece of casting even Gordon scratches his head to try and come up with an explanation:

SuBo and Glenn have got something in common too, they are huge animal lovers.

That's practically method acting right there.

It turns out Cowell had started to work on a film about Paul Potts but dropped the idea when... yes, when he saw that look on your face, going "Paul Potts? Paul Potts? What's that?"

Something about the food being Boyle-d

Given the revelations at the weekend that Susan Boyle isn't seeing very much of the money she's made for Cowell et al, perhaps the surprise is that she's only taking a job as a dinnerlady for Glee, and not as an extra job to try and stretch her money to cover her bills.

I wonder what sort of money you make doing a cameo in Glee. I guess I'll never know. Nor will Susan, come to that.

Who's making money out of Susan Boyle?

You'd expect the News Of The World's big splash that Susan Boyle is living on £300 a week would contain within it a buried denial from Simon Cowell's management team.

It doesn't, though:

The Boyle management sources last night confirmed Susan's allowance is just £300 a week but said she could have more at any time if she wanted.

The News Of The World does at least offer some perspective:

GLOBAL star Susan's weekly allowance is LESS than NHS hospital staff earn.

When you put it like that, it doesn't sound so bad. We should probably be more worried about the low earnings of NHS staff than Susan Boyle - were it not for the massive gap between what Boyle has earned for everyone else, and what she's been given.

But do remember: the music industry does everything it does for the sake of the artists.

I dreamed a dream, and it turned into a nightmare

There are people who - should you just murmur that Susan Boyle is alright for a sideshow - will leap upon you and suggest your standards are somewhere between those of a man who would poke a leper with a stick, and a drunk who urinates on frightened kittens.

Even those, even the Ma Boyle Right Or Wrong types are going to have to admit this smacks of an ill-conceived idea:

"Her management know that she's a huge success around the globe and if she were to work with one of the big stars of the rap world they know they'd probably have an instant hit on their hands if it was done correctly," the insider continued.

That's Digital Spy quoting the Mirror.

SuBo and P Diddy. Like it's a good idea.

"Susan's open to anything right now and is looking forward to seeing what comes out of her more urban recording and writing sessions. They have songs lined up for Susan and they are a real departure from her first album."

Translates as: frankly, people only really wanted a souvenir, and we're stumped as to what to do with her now. So anything is being lobbed at the wall, and even if it doesn't stick, we're hoping the sticky, mucky mess that slides down to the skirting board will at least let us sell a million or two more before we dump her back in real life.

[Thanks to Michael M]

Susan Boyle: What you wish for

Woman at end of long journey gets upset and swears when told her flight is delayed. That's what today's Sunday Mirror leads with. If only there was an election or something on that could have provided them with a proper news story.

The report is, nevertheless, interesting, but not for the story over the headline; more or less by accident the Mirror has detailed just how the microindustry around Boyle is swirling about, treating her not unlike the way Britain was handling the space whale in last night's Doctor Who:

But behind the scenes, the five-day trip was marked by verbal warfare between Susan and Joanne, 38, daughter of Susan’s sister ­Bridie.

Joanne was appointed as Susan’s PA and Girl Friday last October in the hope that a familiar face by her side would help curb her volatile temper.

But relations between the two women – said by sources to have never been particularly close – have rapidly deteriorated. Fuelling the acrimony in Team SuBo is the fact that different parts of her management team are now in dispute with each other about the day-to-day running of her career and her future strategy.

The fear must be that one half of the management are keen to push her to do as much as she quickly can before she collapses entirely, while the other is hoping a bit of a rest will keep the goose laying eggs for a few more years.

The wisdom of the internet, you'll remember, is that people who suggested it might have been better for her to have steered well clear of Cowell were meant to be the cruel ones.

Gordon in the morning: The annual tradition of the Brit snub

Gordon has looked at the Brits shortlist, and - while he's happy with the presence of women - he finds reason to be outraged, too:

But how can SuBo - who had the biggest selling album in the UK and US last year - not be nominated for Best Female?

She must have been considered too uncool.

Oh, how I wish. How I wish that Susan Boyle had failed due to some sort of hitherto undisclosed quality threshold.

But, no, as Gordon should know: she didn't actually release anything in time to qualify for the 2010 Awards, and so when Gordon rails that:

[O]utrageously, SuBo, TAKE THAT and BEYONCE have all been snubbed

Nobody has actually been snubbed, have they? They just haven't qualified.

Every year we have this. Every bloody year.

Gennaro Castaldo Watch: Boyle point

How, or who, to explain the enormous numbers of Susan Boyle CDs sold in the last couple of weeks? Why, how about HMV's Fact Lieutenant Gennaro Castaldo?

Gennaro Castaldo, a spokesman for the HMV record-store chain in the U.K., attributed Boyle's numerous TV appearances in Britain following her second-place finish on Talent , to the sales results. Fans have followed her career from the start, he observed, "so when the album comes out, quite a few of them will go out and buy the album, too."

Ah. Thanks for that... um... insight, Gennaro. The quote presumably ended "look, sorry, I've just taken the turkey roll out the oven so I really need to get back into the kitchen. Call me in the new year, okay?"

Gordon in the morning: It's another chart battle. Again.

Gordon's column could almost be in ancient Greek this week, as the child overwhelms the parent:

CHERYL COLE is set to miss out on a No 1 this week - to the lad she steered to X Factor success, JOE McELDERRY.

There would be something ironic - after Cheryl's blubbing last week about how it's cruel to stop Joe having a number one - for Cole's own record to be held off at number two by Joe himself.

Trouble is, Cheryl's record isn't being beaten by Joe, it's being washed away by apathy:

Her second solo single, 3 Words, is absolutely tanking and she could struggle to get to No 8.

Still, Gordon's got more important things to write about. How lucky we all are that Murdoch has yet to erect a paywall around Smart telling us who he got Christmas cards from.

It's actually quite tragic, as the collection he's proudly displaying on his virtual mantelpiece reads like a wish list for a series of Celebrity Farm:

Among a selection here is one from THE CHEEKY GIRLS and another from DANNY DYER.

PAOLO NUTINI's said he hoped my footie team, Hibs, end up third in Scotland.

The Bizarre team have dressed up as Susan Boyle for their card. Any excuse, eh?

If Copenhagen fails...

You know:

PIERS MORGAN, JUDGE ON “AMERICA’S GOT TALENT” AND “BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT,” TO HOST ONE HOUR TELEVISION SPECIAL ON SUSAN BOYLE EXCLUSIVELY ON TV GUIDE NETWORK

... maybe our extinction could come as a welcome relief.

Gordon in the morning: Being nice to Susan Boyle

This, I suspect, is what Gordon feels is being generous to Susan Boyle:

X FACTOR'S JEDWARD should be seen and not heard.

The opposite could be said of SUSAN BOYLE.

The Highland lassie with the big hits and the hairy chassis deserves to be heard - and by millions.

Gordon's had an "exclusive" first listen to the new record, and runs a big, excited piece all over, which is in no way trying to keep the Simon Cowell camp sweet while needing stuff to write about the X Factor.

Given that Bizarre usually writes about children's bands, or women famous for wearing short skirts, Gordon seems to realise a big, splashy push for an easy-listening Christmas confection is a little odd. But hang about, he has a plausible explanation:

SuBo comes from the same neck of the woods as me... and that's good enough to earn her a place on Bizarre.

Blimey - simply being from Scotland will get you a lead story in The Sun?

It's incredibly classy stuff throughout. A star is born.

Okay, Mr. Cowell, I've done that. Can I have an exclusive about Jedward now, please?

Susan Boyle launches the perfect gift for an elderly female relative you can't be arsed to put any thought into shopping for

Susan Boyle - yes, you do, she was the one who wasn't quite as good as those people who did the tribute to Street Dance II: Electric Boogaloo - has been busy preparing her album, ready to launch it into the all-important 'thoughtless Christmas gift lobbed into the trolley while doing a Tesco shop' market.

Sony Music are pretty bloody excited about it, as they're hoping to sell a lot of albums and it's not like they're an arthouse, is it?

Even so, the Columbia Records release is quite brief:

Susan Boyle will make her highly anticipated album debut with 'I Dreamed A Dream' out on Columbia November 24 and once again, defy preconceptions.

Really? She's not really defied any preconceptions yet - unless you believed that Simon Cowell hadn't really heard her sing and somehow still believed that the quality of your singing voice is related to how sexually attractive you look; and that seems unlikely, what with him having worked with Robson And Jerome.

This time, the "preconception" she's going after is, it appears, the one that says that not even her management would be hackneyed enough to chuck in a couple of pop covers to try and broaden her appeal a little wider:

Produced by Steve Mac, 'I Dreamed A Dream' features her signature songs, "I Dreamed A Dream" and "Cry Me A River." The album also includes a haunting rendition of Rolling Stones' “Wild Horses,” Madonna's "You’ll See," The Monkees' ‘Daydream Believer,’ and “Who I Was Born To Be,” an original recording written specially for Susan.

Is there anything uplifting for all of us to take away?

Susan enthused: "It was my greatest ambition to release an album and I have finally achieved it. There is happiness out there for everyone who dares to dream."

... and large piles of Susan Boyle albums for £7-99 for everyone who doesn't.

Ant And Dec blame other people for Susan Boyle

Ant And Dec have popped up at the Edinburgh TV Festival to defend the way Britain's Got Talent gave Susan Boyle a breakdown:

"What would you then do, start censoring people because they won't be able to handle the fame and attention as well as you think they should?" McPartlin told the MediaGuardian Edinburgh International Television Festival today.

"You can't stop people coming on the show … just because they don't handle it in the way we expect them to. It doesn't mean it's wrong.

"Susan Boyle performed three times on the show. The show didn't camp paparazzi outside her house, the show didn't put it in the newspapers. I personally believe that every care was taken with Susan Boyle and they looked after her very well indeed."

So, somehow, there's no reason for Simon Cowell and his chums to feel in any way responsible for putting the woman into a position where she had the paparazzi outside her house and was in every newspaper?

Do Ant (left) and Dec (right) really think that we're so ignorant that we'll believe that, left to them, and Cowell, and ITV, there'd be nothing in the papers about BGT; that when the TV programme gets in the news they feel that it's a violation of their performers rather than massive acres of free publicity for their show? That the network and the production doesn't rely on it being in all the papers? That there's a team of PR people whose job is to get the show into all the papers?

That's probably the greatest insult to our nation's collective intelligence since, ooh, ITV tried to tell us we shouldn't blame Ant And Dec for the fleecing of phonevoters as their "producer" credits didn't really mean they'd know what was going on.

Simon Cowell's got compassion

Simon Cowell's claims that he would have ripped up Susan Boyle's contract had he believed she was too stressed to cope are, naturally, an expression of concern for a fellow human being.

Any similarity with a an attempt to keep a story going by exploiting someone's clear discomfort to raise interest in the tour he is promoting and the records he will make is just an unfortunate coincidence.

Gordon in the morning: Simon in the night

You know the trouble with rich men? It's not just that they have bad ideas, it's that they have the money to put those bad ideas into practice. So, having ruined Saturday night television, now Simon Cowell wants to ruin Saturday Night Fever:

The millionaire music boss knows a great investment when he sees one.

And by the sound of his plans for the remake he's landed yet another licence to print money.

He has been in negotiations for weeks with legendary film producer ROBERT STIGWOOD, who owns the rights to the screenplay.

I'm confused, Gordon: has he "landed" it, or is he in "negotiations" for it?

Still, given that this is a bad and pointless idea, does Cowell have any way of making it worse?

I've been given a nod that High School Musical star ZAC EFRON is in line for the lead role.

And hip-hop uber producer TIMBALAND is in the frame to rework one of the most famous movie soundtracks of all time - an album that topped the US charts for a massive 24 weeks.

This, I suspect, is little more than Gordon pulling names out the air, or his arse, or his arse up in the air.

Smart is delicately sitting on the fence:

I'm in two minds about this film.

I have no doubt it would be huge if Cowell landed Efron.

But the BEE GEES soundtrack should never be tampered with.

So, using an actor made out of Philadelphia cheese to lead the movie is fine, but don't mess with the brothers Gibb.

Also, the film might not work for a young audience.

It is pretty bleak in some places, with some incredibly dark scenes.

What is this supposed to mean, Gordon? Do you think only people in their forties saw it in 1977? You know people who went to the movies thirty years ago were thirty years younger back then? And while the likes of you and Heat and Cowell might have done a good job of rendering people's ability to engage emotionally with characters in pain as little more than going "aaah", there are still a few young people who can cope with genuine drama.

Anyway, can you wind this up on a gratuitous insult, Gordo?

I have no doubt Simon - who was on this year's rich list with a £120million fortune - will want to involve artists signed to his Syco label.

LEONA LEWIS or ALEXANDRA BURKE might just about get away with Stayin' Alive.

Or he could always ask SUSAN BOYLE to do More Than A Woman.

Well done.

Elsewhere, Mel B is offering some sex tips:

"My hubby and I have a great time together - I'm not sure if it's because we're the same age, but we both have very high libidos."

"I often have a candle-lit bath first and listen to some soothing music. Next, put on some gorgeous lingerie - I've got a big collection that's just for the bedroom.

"Make sure there are no distractions, then go for it!"

... trying, all the time, to clear the image of Mel B and her "hubby" and their libidos from your mind. Trying, trying, trying.

The more astute amongst you might have spotted that Mel B's sex advice is actually "have a bath, put on some nice pants, and then have sex."

Boyle focuses on the money

Who has Susan Boyle put in charge of what's left of her career?

Britain’s Got Talent runner-up Susan and her family have appointed legendary showbiz accountant Ossie Kilkenny to mastermind her career and capitalise on her massive fame.

Yes, Ossie - described by the Sunday Mirror as "the financial wizard who turned U2 into multi-millionaires" - is going to manage Boyle.

Did Ossie make U2 multi-millionaires, though? There was some suggestion that he cost the band money during the spat between U2 manager Paul McGuinness, the man who manages U2 and Kilkenny which saw him eased out of his role. Mind you, that's not surprising - who would mix Guinness and Kilkenny?

Still, it's an interesting indication of what really matters to Boyle that she's chosen someone whose expertise is in money rather than music to guide her through the coming months.

We're all the winners, aren't we?

Interestingly, the US CNN ticker is still reporting "Susan Boyle loses Britain's Got Talent" - a talent show in another country. Is it any wonder that the circus has screwed her up badly?

It's even more depressing that the Prime Minister - who, you would have thought, might have better things to spend his time on - is driving forward the circus, even when it's clear it's time to leave her be:

Prime Minister Gordon Brown wished the star well. "I hope Susan Boyle is okay because she is a really, really nice person," he told GMTV.

He had added that he had spoken to Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan to check on Boyle's progress.

Downing Street said Mr Brown had been concerned about her welfare - although he did not vote for her after watching Saturday's final.

Given that Morgan and Cowell turned her into a global sideshow (a global freakshow, if we're being honest), is asking them if Boyle is okay a bit like asking Bernard Matthews how comfortable the turkeys are?

Let us shed tears for Simon Cowell

It's not easy being pantomime dame to a congregation of the musically lost, you know. Simon Cowell suffers for his artlessness:

Cowell admits he hates having such a full diary because it makes his life so dull.

He says, "The last time I felt that way was when I looked at my diary and realised I had the next 18 months planned. I could tell you where I was going to be every day - which city, what time and almost what I was going to eat. That really depressed me. I thought, 'You can't escape from this.'

"You can't think, 'I want to take the next two months off to clear my head.'"

Actually, you know, you could. Oh, sure, there might be a series of You've Got A Small Talent or two missing from the schedules, but we'd manage somehow.

Can you imagine how Cowell's life must feel, though? I bet he's even got what over-emotional facial expressions he'll be pulling for the next two years: June 23rd, 2010 - three disgusted shakes of the head, one surprised jaw-drop, two hmms.

Talking of, while not denying Boyle has got a good voice, her style was all wrong for Memory and her reading of it left a lot to be desired. Breakfast TV in the States has been applauding her all morning (if you can call reading out pre-scripted gush as applause.) She seems a bit like Whitney Houston, in that people who don't really listen to much music confuse her range with virtuosity.

This is just made up, isn't it, News Of The World?

Today's News Of The World reports that Susan Boyle isn't going to have dinner with Barack Obama.

In order to justify this being in the paper, it then has to pretend that she's been invited, and has said no. That the writer, Douglas Wight, and the rest of the team can't seem to decide if this is a snub, or she'd rather just stay at home, or she's too nervous, makes it seem even more cod.

Still, it gives the crazies a chance to come out in the comment box:

Obviously a talented and SMART woman who knows a huge pile of BS when she sees it unlike the morons in this country who voted for Communism and Socialism implemented by a Community Organizer!

By James . Posted May 10 2009 at 10:19 AM.

Bravo Susan!! Good to see there is still someone out there with a mind of their own and willing to control her own life instead of jumping on the band wagon of "Obamamainia". It still remains to be seen what kind of President he will be. So far, a lot of people in the US are trying to come to terms with adjusting to the "changes" in their lives, most of which are very financially painful. The new moto seems to be "trust your government to run your country into the biggest financial hole in history". Bravo Mr. President- my $250.00 stimulus check bought one weeks groceries and filled my tank up with gas. Wonder what I will do next week??

By sally. Posted May 10 2009 at 10:12 AM.

Ah, all this applause from the Unabomber massive is delightful, given that it just demonstrates their weak ability to understand words, so their failure to quite grasp that Obama didn't exactly take over a working economy is perhaps understandable. Both "sally" and "james" seem to have completely overlooked the final paragraph of the NOTW piece:

"She knows she would have been incredibly nervous if she'd gone," said the source. "But her dream is to sing for President Obama one day.

"She loves him and thinks he is already a terrific president."

Yeah, well done Susan for not jumping on that Obama bandwagon that you, erm, are apparently already on.