Gordon in the morning: Simon in the night

You know the trouble with rich men? It's not just that they have bad ideas, it's that they have the money to put those bad ideas into practice. So, having ruined Saturday night television, now Simon Cowell wants to ruin Saturday Night Fever:

The millionaire music boss knows a great investment when he sees one.

And by the sound of his plans for the remake he's landed yet another licence to print money.

He has been in negotiations for weeks with legendary film producer ROBERT STIGWOOD, who owns the rights to the screenplay.

I'm confused, Gordon: has he "landed" it, or is he in "negotiations" for it?

Still, given that this is a bad and pointless idea, does Cowell have any way of making it worse?

I've been given a nod that High School Musical star ZAC EFRON is in line for the lead role.

And hip-hop uber producer TIMBALAND is in the frame to rework one of the most famous movie soundtracks of all time - an album that topped the US charts for a massive 24 weeks.

This, I suspect, is little more than Gordon pulling names out the air, or his arse, or his arse up in the air.

Smart is delicately sitting on the fence:

I'm in two minds about this film.

I have no doubt it would be huge if Cowell landed Efron.

But the BEE GEES soundtrack should never be tampered with.

So, using an actor made out of Philadelphia cheese to lead the movie is fine, but don't mess with the brothers Gibb.

Also, the film might not work for a young audience.

It is pretty bleak in some places, with some incredibly dark scenes.

What is this supposed to mean, Gordon? Do you think only people in their forties saw it in 1977? You know people who went to the movies thirty years ago were thirty years younger back then? And while the likes of you and Heat and Cowell might have done a good job of rendering people's ability to engage emotionally with characters in pain as little more than going "aaah", there are still a few young people who can cope with genuine drama.

Anyway, can you wind this up on a gratuitous insult, Gordo?

I have no doubt Simon - who was on this year's rich list with a £120million fortune - will want to involve artists signed to his Syco label.

LEONA LEWIS or ALEXANDRA BURKE might just about get away with Stayin' Alive.

Or he could always ask SUSAN BOYLE to do More Than A Woman.

Well done.

Elsewhere, Mel B is offering some sex tips:

"My hubby and I have a great time together - I'm not sure if it's because we're the same age, but we both have very high libidos."

"I often have a candle-lit bath first and listen to some soothing music. Next, put on some gorgeous lingerie - I've got a big collection that's just for the bedroom.

"Make sure there are no distractions, then go for it!"

... trying, all the time, to clear the image of Mel B and her "hubby" and their libidos from your mind. Trying, trying, trying.

The more astute amongst you might have spotted that Mel B's sex advice is actually "have a bath, put on some nice pants, and then have sex."

Glastonbury 2009: Slight overstatement

Even by the standards of meaningless lists, the Time magazine 100 Most Influential People list's inclusion of Michael Eavis seems a little extravagant.

Now, Eavis is a nice enough guy; his festival is successful and although he might sometimes neglect fact in favour of a sunny précis, his intentions are usually well-meant.

But one of the 100 most influential people on the planet? Really? How would you see his influence? Men proud to have their heads on upside-down? A few dozen me-too festivals around the globe? But if it was the latter, would you not expect to see a few more of the Glastonbury-clones being run on a not-for-profit basis at the very least.

Tell us, how did Time choose Eavis?

Coldplay singer Chris Martin paid tribute to Mr Eavis in an article for Time...

Oh, really? Could it be, do you think, that Time asked Chris to write about someone, and then slotted that someone into the run down?

Still, Chris: one of the most influential people on the planet. How does that stack up, then?

Coldplay singer Chris Martin paid tribute to Mr Eavis in an article for Time, writing that Glastonbury was "the biggest rock cathedral in the world".

"Michael is one of the people to whom I owe my life and career," he wrote, explaining how the offer of a headline slot in 2002 had "changed everything".

"We've headlined other festivals, but Glastonbury is the only one that feels like - and is - a family event. It's also the only one where we received some handmade cheese as a thank you," Martin added.

So: he gave you a cheese and helped make Coldplay famous - which you suggest is a good thing? And that's influential, is it? On Martin's life, perhaps, but on the world?

Come on, Time: this is meant to be a serious endeavour, isn't it? You're seriously suggesting Eavis belongs here? Isn't this for statespeople and scientists and...

He is one of 100 people listed, along with US President Barack Obama, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown...

You see?

... teen actor Zac Efron and TV host Oprah Winfrey.

Oh. That's the calibration, is it? As you were, then.

I know you should never look too closely at spam

But you have to wonder exactly what goes through their minds sometimes: What training does one do to become lesbian? And is there a possibility of it becoming an Olympic sport?

Aha. As I write this, I get another - "Zac Effron buys Britney Spears' farts".