Liveblog: Eurovision 2023

 10.30am

It's a lot, this year, isn't it? Sure, the last time the UK hosted there was a bit of excitement, but I don't recall hotel room prices in Birmingham suddenly clacking into four figures, or half the DCMS decamping to Sparkbrook for a little exercise in soft power and a few meals on expenses.

It's lucky that The Monarch Formally Knows As Prince Charles is hard to warm to, otherwise you'd almost start to feel sorry for him. You wait decades for your big party, and then your actual Coronation serves no purpose other than to act as a disappointing warm-up to the Eurovision song contest. You know you're the downcard when Rita Ora chooses to go to the other party, and you're stuck with Lionel Ritchie doing some odd gurgling.

Meanwhile... there's just a lot. The early entries in this blog were all written in Liverpool and it's a city that I love; I'm not surprised that it's decided to go balls-deep into the party. And you can understand the BBC deciding to wring every drop of Eurovision juice out of the investment. But even so. There's so much. 

Even a Saturday outing for The One Show. Sitting at home, probably still wearing the purple crown ('the rules say that I can only wear it once, but not how long that one time has to be'), slowly realising the Union Jack flags were probably for Mae Muller and not HRH, the King flicks through the Radio Times, muttering that Alex Jones didn't do an extra shift for his big day. On the other hand, Nationwide did an extra curricular episode for his first marriage and that didn't end well for anyone, did it?

Anyway. There's a lot. Geometricians, in their wildest dreams, couldn't conceive of as many angles as the media have found for covering / shoehorning in references to Eurovision. The Rovers has got a beer pump wearing a red, white and blue bow tie. As I write, Saturday Kitchen is somehow cooking Eurovision. The Archers - in a storyline which makes the time Nelson Gabriel kept that elephant on the village green sound plausible - have got Rylan popping in to judge the Ambridge song contest en route to Liverpool. Leaving aside the scheduling question, what route is he taking to get to the North West? And would he really have chosen a stopping service that would be calling at Hollerton Junction?

As an aside - and an indication of how great Rylan is - it's hard to imagine any other 'as themselves' celeb who has popped into the Post Box studios letting the script team have so much fun with characters saying they've never heard of them.

And Radio 2 has been busy. Oh so busy

Sandie Shaw live on radio 2 talking about her new version of puppet on a string. Then play her old version and she goes ‘oh for fucks sake’ as they fade her out 😬

— Alex Hinge (@hinge832) May 12, 2023

Perhaps a little too busy.

Local news hasn't been left out. On Thursday, Look East dedicated a large chunk of airtime to a Sam Ryder lookalike. Realising he bore a resemblance, he decided (direct quote) "to use this for good", like he'd been bitten by a radioactive Eurovision competitor. Samryderman, Samryderman, does whatever Sam Ryder can. It is quite a sweet story, really; he does charity stuff and seems to share not just a face but an air of being warm and approachable with the real Sam. Sadly, the report didn't ask the vital question - did he have long hair and a big beard before he became Second Sam; and if he didn't, how the hell did he know he'd look like him when he grew them?

Sam - the real one - is having the time of his life. He's pretty much the Jeremy Corbyn of Eurovision, what with having a beard and a fanbase that seems to genuinely believe that a surprisingly strong second place is actually the same as winning. And he's got opinions, too.

I'm not sure someone singing Ferry Cross The Mersey on the literal ferry cross the Mersey is best placed to judge what counts as cheese, but we'll let him off on this one.

Having used their trump card on Thursday, last night Look East stretched a bit further to discover the Bloke out of Electro Velvet lives in the region. Yes you do. You do.

The reporter asked him if he could still remember the scatty-bit he did in the middle. Of course he can. I imagine every night in his dreams he's taunted by demons doing "beeebabaadooobiedoobie" before yelling "five points" and giggling.

The Look East report didn't mention that he - Alex Clarke - currently (where 'currently' is defined as the last time anyone updated the Wikipedia page) is Mick Jagger in a Rolling Stones tribute act, but perhaps they thought they'd be pushing their luck with two faux popstars in a row.

He got to show off the shoes he wore on stage, which actually felt a bit sad. I went to Vienna for my country and all I got was a slightly scuffed pair of spats.

Anyway, there's a lot. No President Zelenskyy, though, as Eurovision have ruled that having him pop up would be too political. Because doing a whole 'we're having to do this in Liverpool what with a fucking monster bombing the actual country it should be taking place in' themed event isn't a political statement in its own right. And the man isn't an idiot - surely we all know by now that he isn't an idiot, right? - and could have been asked to do a 'can't be in our country but we send love' bit without screaming 'and give us helicopters, you asshole'. Apart from anything, it would have spared us this sort of thing:

It would have been right to hear from President Zelenskyy at tomorrow night's #Eurovision. There is only one reason the contest is not in Ukraine and that is because of Putin’s illegal war.

— Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson) May 12, 2023

Sunak, too, gurgled out a statement saying that Zelenskyy should have been involved, which is the first time in six months he's said anything that doesn't end with "and number five stopping the boats." Had I been a senior Tory politician wanting Volodymyr to get a cameo, I might have reflected that a bit of gentle diplomacy behind the scenes would have been the best approach because now, there's no way he could be involved without it looking like the BBC and Eurovision are taking direction from the UK government and that really would look politics intruding.

Last year, I only saw the second half of the contest, with the sound mostly down and commentary in Dutch. We've got some hours to go and who is to say that won't happen again? But assuming it doesn't, you know the deal. I haven't seen any of the songs yet (apart from the odd snatch of that one about Poe, and bits and pieces of Muller) and through studious avoidance of the semi-finals, I'll be coming to the whole thing fresh. Back here around 8-ish?

12.30

I regret to inform you all that Rishi Sunak has "joined in the fun"

JUST DROPPED 🎤

Get ready for Liverpool with @RishiSunak’s #Eurovision Rewind.

— UK Prime Minister (@10DowningStreet) May 13, 2023

12.45

If you're in Liverpool, and want something a bit closer to Eurovision than Sunak's stiff Spotify Spadlist, there's always this:

Important information for tonight - please read if you are coming. pic.twitter.com/jAq4Vs1ITL

— Sonic Yootha (@SonicYootha) May 13, 2023

6.15pm

Eurovision bosses are keeping a secret Grand Final performance hidden with rehearsals carried out under closed setshttps://t.co/ICmEiCnQWb

— Liverpool Echo (@LivEchonews) May 12, 2023

It's going to be Robot Abba, isn't it?.

Mind you, a lot of people speak highly of Robot Abba, although I can't really tell if that's because they really liked it, or if when giant angry pop robots tell you to speak highly of them, you just do that.

People who were milling around Liverpool at the time I was will probably be thinking the same thing as me - surprise band hidden behind a screen on a Saturday night? It's just like Temptation 2, the old uni club night. A night where, if you were well connected to the Liverpool Music scene, or (like me) happened to be friends with people who were well connected, you'd know the secret act in advance and adjust your weekend plans accordingly. This is how, in an anecdote I've told people so often I'm starting to think I made it up, I saw Suede for the first time.

It wasn't always that quality, though. One night was Fabulous.

(The Simon Duffield-led rabble, not the News of the World colour supplement).

The highlight, though, was the time the whole of the city had heard the rumour it was going to be James, and a massive queue snaked round the Guild of Students. It turned out that, actually, it was If?, the short-lived spin-off of the Jo Boxers.

I mean, it might turn out to be If? tonight, which would be a splendid punchline, but... it's going to be Robot Abba, surely?

6.40

I mean, when I lived on the Lane we didn't even have a Co-Op but knowing the place, it's possible they built the grocers rounds the decks rather than the other way round. (Legendary Liverpool DJ Bernie Connor used to work in the deli down there, so it's likelier than you'd think)

Eurovision has sent this city round the bend. Why is there a DJ at the Co-Op on Lark Lane lol pic.twitter.com/T7ltsrxiI0

— Hats fan account (@bluenilehatsfan) May 13, 2023

6.45

Meanwhile, BBC One is already three drinks in to its Eurovision party. They've currently got a Eurovision Special of the Hit List (Name That Tune in a push-up bra, basically). And already Eimear Quinn and Linda Martin have battled their way through a Eurovision Pointless and made it to the final round, which is more than Ireland have managed to do for a good few years.

The specialness of the Eurovision Special is that they've got a workaround that has meant the celebrity booker could have half the week off:

In a first for The Hit List, three celebrities will be teamed with Eurovision superfans. Returning to The Hit List are former champions Scott Mills and Clara Amfo, who will be joined by fellow DJ Adele Roberts along with their Eurovision-loving teammates Coinneach, Katie and Amy.

7.40

The One Show is coming from the side of the Mersey, adding itself to the list of illustrious magazines programmes coming from Liverpool's docklands, alongside This Morning and that kids show they did from the short-lived BBC Brunswick Dock studios.

Rylan is in wipe-clean trousers and sixteen inch heels; Alex Jones has slaughtered a peacock. They've been joined by Sandie Shaw, who is in a plum wedding dress; Cheryl Baker, dressed for David Van Day's funeral; and Sonia, who has nipped along to Monsoon.

7.45

A link-up with Mel out of Mel & Sue, and Scott Mills, out of General Mills, who are doing the coverage for Radio 2 this evening. Mel is wearing a 1970s bedspread in Ukranian colours.

Rylan has been sent over to get ready for the main show. A countdown clock has appeared on screen. The excitement is... well, being manufactured with all the might they can throw at it.

It's hard to imagine a Eurovision like this occurring in the Wogan era, isn't it? There was just a little too much ironic distance.

I guess this is some sort of a last-minute primer, for those of you who like to cram:

Say hello to all of our incredible Grand Finalists! 🙌 #Eurovision2023 pic.twitter.com/bMOSb2XO0n

— BBC Eurovision (@bbceurovision) May 13, 2023

One Show now doing a quick tour around the UK, as a prelude to the breathless tour around Europe we'll be getting in about three hours' time.

7.58

How many trailers are they cramming into this programme junction?

I mean, I can see why they'd be pushing Dannii Minogue's gay dating show here right now, but even so...

OOOOOOH Doctor Who

8.00

And we're off.

Is this the first sighting of Graham Norton this year? Bar his crammed-in-a-screen trailer cameo?

Last year's winning song being done on the top of the Liver Building, with additional Andrew Lloyd-Webber, fresh from closing down his awful Cinderella musical for a second time. Bit like having the bad fairy turn up at a Christening, surely?

Oh, they've got loads of special guests. And Joss Stone.

The Princess of Wales has turned up playing the piano, which I guess makes her sort-of Paddington to Eurovision's jubilee?

(I am now going to be thinking of the Spitting Image sketch of Alastair Burnett fawning over "the dee-ligthful piaaano playing princes' for the rest of the show instead of paying proper attention.)

8.05

Yeah, actually, this was a lot better than Sam Ryder's song, wasn't it?

I'd forgotten they now make all the acts march out at the start, like it's the parade ring at Aintree.

This is probably the highest profile the Marks & Spencer Bank has ever achieved, isn't it?

I'm getting an early sense we're in for a distressing amount of flared trousers this evening.

Australia have already had a drink or two, then. The Romain guy has come on like he's about to do a so-so magic act on Britain's Got Talent.

They're interspersing the marching out with little snatches of former Eurovision acts - that one who was like Christopher Biggins with the glittery star on their head.

8.15

Going to be weird for Graham Norton to not be talking over the person doing presentation on the stage, because he IS the person doing presentation on the stage.

We're getting the explanation of the voting will work later on.

8.20

1. Austria | Teya & Salena - Who The Hell Is Edgar?

And we're off (properly) now with the Edgar Allen Poe one.

Teya (or is Salena) is dressed in a black plastic thing made out of the leftovers of Rylan's trousers. 

I like this. It has that bouncy Poe-Poe-Poe bassline, but also has the feel of a musical interlude from a 1980s US high-school sitcom. Mr Kotter explaining The Tell-Tale Heart to the Sweathogs via a daydream sequence.

8.23

2. Portugal | Mimicat - Ai Coração

Norton is back in the commentary box and has sent Mel out of Mel & Sue who was holding the fort back to Radio 2. 

Mimicat is being shown walking through a market and smiling coquestishly into camera. A manic pixie dream girl sequence, but this has given way to a sort of flamenco Marilyn Monroe performance.

8.26

Scratch Marilyn. More Goldie Hawn. Maybe post-Cheers Shelley Long.

The staging so far seems a lot less elaborate than we've got used to - no sign of magic cages or emerging walls or indoor waterfalls. The night is young, though.

3. Switzerland | Remo Forrer - Watergun

Remo, bless him, looks like he's on an exchange trip in the preview film shot at Lake Zurich.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HIS TROUSERS? Did he go into Millets and say "give me waders, but sexy"?

His dancers are doing some very light bondage, but the song is forgettable ballad.

The trousers actually turn out to be shiny in some lights. The trousers are great.

8.31

4. Poland | Blanka - Solo

Ah, starting with a none-more-80s recorded on video camera effect. You know, like it's Malcolm In The Middle.

I think she's got trapped in the video screen backdrop now. "Oh-oh-oh, that's how it goes" is, oh-oh-oh, how the song goes.

There's a little dance break, where the dancers use their thighs as additional percussion. Keeps it cheap.

Blanka pronouces Solo "solar", which might be a problem given the title of the song.

8.35

5. Serbia | Luke Black - Samo Mi Se Spava

Luke Black is showing off his fencing skills in the preview bit, which makes him sound even more like a villain in an Exorcist movie than his name does.

Starting his song lying down on the stage in massive boots. The camera pulls back. Surprise! It's not the stage, he's lying in what appears to be one of those baths they stick in posh hotels that you can never use because they're right in front of the window and you can't make the curtains work.

This song, apparently, it about playing video games at home. Makes you wonder why nobody's ever thought of that before. Lana Del Who?

I hope to god Hasbro aren't watching or there's gonna be a lawsuit over the Transformer-type robot on the screen.

8.40

6. France: La Zarra - Évidemment

La Zarra rides a very small black horse through her opening video.  Maybe she's going to do This Girl Is On Fire from the Lloyds Bank advert.

Her dress is large enough that she might have smuggled the horse on stage underneath it.

"My heart, my hand, my eyes, my lips - nothing is mine any more" she sings. Well, yes, the terms and conditions on Bluesky are quite strict, but that's the price you pay to avoid Elon Musk, isn't it?

We've had the first shower of on-stage sparks of the evening.

It was definitely French.

Aleesha Dixon has popped up, which can only mean that most of Europe are getting adverts. There's a giant Peppa Pig for us, for some reason.

8.45

If Gogglebox don't have the two guys who live in the building they've just shown in the run-up to Cyprus' bit, commenting that their house is on TV, I don't know what we're even doing here.

7. Cyprus | Andrew Lambrou - Break A Broken Heart

Andrew seems like a nice enough lad. He's got the air of someone from an ITV soap who used to be in a boyband. "Tear me up and move on to another" he sings, and, yes, I think we shall.

8.50

8. Spain: Blanca Paloma - Eaea

Blanca Paloma give off the air of what would have happened if you'd locked The Spice Girls in a box and returned twenty years later to set them free.

Nice bit of vocal work at the start of the song, though.

And the second act to have gone with ghostly hands - the first just had them on-screen, here they're real hands poking through the strings.

This sounds like traditional Spanish music having angry sex with EDM. It's all very evocative.

Might have forgotten the "song" bit - a problem with a song contest - but sounds amazing.

8.55

Uh-oh. The wolves from last year - which made even less sense with English commentary than they did with the Dutch one we had - are back. We're in the 'pretend Junior Eurovision is charming' ad break  filler right now.

The winner of JunioEuro is announcing Nice as the host for this year's event - the town, not the biscuits. I think not the biscuits.

9. Sweden | Loreen - Tattoo

I'd like to see Loreen try and unwrap a Dairylea cheese triangle with those nails.

This is apparently the favourite this year, but it's kind of Ruslana-lite. I do worry that her big box is going to slam shut on her before the end of the song, though.

It all looks a bit like an advert for one of the perfumes that sells well in Superdrug.

9.00

Hannah Waddingham is pushing the Eurovision app.

10. Albania | Albina & Familja Kelmendi - Duje

Sefton Park Palm House getting its big moment on Europe wide television.

Albania are looking towards the Urals with their song and its amazing.

(Although like a lot of Eurovision entries, it starts off full-throated Eastern European and then mushes in something a bit more package tour of the Med). 

They're not lying when they say Familija, either. They do look like some sort of mom, dad and sisters outfit.

Didn't know how to finish it, though, so just hit a drum and stopped singing.

9.05

11. Italy: Marco Mengoni - Due Vite

Marco Mengoni dated your sister in the early 90s. Your Mum didn't approve, he didn't have a job but he had a motorbike and a reputation. In the end, it didn't work out.

Surprisingly, he's come on stage wearing a Swarovski vest. I think we now can see why it didn't work out.

The lyric repeats the word 'sleep' over and over again. The backdrop looks like a moon. It's too early in the evening to be trying to lull us into having a nap.

9.10

12. Estonia | Alika - Bridges

"She's bought a self-playing piano with her" says Graham. Pianola. They're called Pianolas.

She's sitting at the pianola which carries on happily playing itself, as she laments that all her lies have died. But she's going to build up some bridges to get things back on track. 

This is very LinkedIn. Focus on you. Change one thing every day.

13. Finland | Käärijä - Cha Cha Cha

Bring. On. The. Umlauts.

Oh, this is the guy who was wandering round wearing what looked like a non-compliant floatation device from a budget airline.

He's come on stage in a cage. And in a bit of a rage.

I know this is meant to make him seem like a bit of a bad boy, but the climbing out a packing case just makes me think of Issi NoHo.

This whole performance is what you'd get if Coronation Street needed to do a scene in an S&M club and had neither the budget to dress the set, not the time to research it.

I think I just spotted someone in the audience cosplaying Graham Norton.

9.20

14. Czechia | Vesna - My Sister’s Crown

There's always one song title that sounds like it's from a PornHub video, isn't there?

The look says 'sleepover at Barbie's place'. The music says 'revenge attack on Ken'. The lyrics have some complex ideas about how royalty functions in the 21st Century.

This isn't bad, and I'm not just saying that because they are all - clearly - trained assassins. 

9.23

Aleesha Dixon, PUT THAT AUSTRALIAN ACCENT DOWN NOW BEFORE SOMEONE GETS HURT.

15. Australia | Voyager - Promise

They've brought a car on stage. Fair enough, it can be hard to find a parking spot in central Liverpool at the weekends, although I'd have tried the multistorey round the back of Central Station before driving into the Arena.

"Have you ever shut the open door?" Yes. That's pretty much what you do with open doors.

It's a bit like someone's blown their workers comp payment on remaking Knight Rider with themselves in the lead role.

Hold on... was that a keytar? In 2023 you come to me with a keytar?

9.30

16. Belgium | Gustaph - Because Of You

Please let this just be the theme to Brush Strokes. 

Oh, the guy in the massive hat.

He's trying to be Boy George. But he's just the bloke who looks after Curious George.

I suppose, if you were looking a track to play as incidental music during a challenge on Glow Up, you could use some of this.

<Checking Twitter> I'm no fan of Mr O'Dowd, but I think he'd have every right to be pissing steam over the way the whole world are happy to see someone in a big hat and think "exactly the same as Boy George"

Aleesha has just reassured the rest of the world that Graham Norton hasn't gone home.

Meanwhile, on Twitter:

Truth climbing out of his crate to shame mankind #Eurovision pic.twitter.com/whOBOlZeEu

— Dr Kate Wiles (@katemond) May 13, 2023

17.  Armenia | Brunette - Future Lover

Brunettte is both lying down, like the lad from earlier, and wearing an outfit apparently made from human skin, like Lorreen. 

Hold on, that might just be the lighting. Turns out its a dress made from an old white leather sofa and some shoelaces.

The stage show is really quite good - stark black and white (now they've stopped the pink lighting anyway). 

There's some sort of song she's singing, apparently. It's so weak, though, it's vanished in the bit between my ears and my brain.

18. Moldova | Pasha Parfeni - Soarele şi Luna

Pasha has gone for a tramp in the woods. It's unclear what the tramp did to provoke him. (Joke (c) Bob Monkhouse 1965)

Ah, this is 2023's 'one with the massive drums', is it?

Pasha looks like Adam Barlow, down to the bun, and has got a woodland spirit playing some sort of flute with him. And his backing singers appear to be half Beyonce, half Unicorn. None of this should work but it's actually alright.

9.45

19. Ukraine: TVORCHI - Heart of Steel

Ah, Tvorchi. The Bvattery Bvoy.

Can Ukraine make it two in a row? And if they do, does the hosting for 2024 go to the second place or do we just accept Liverpool's really good at this and let them do it again?

I can see why people like this, and the sentiments are fine, but... it doesn't do it for me.

9.50

20. Norway | Alessandra - Queen of Kings

Queen of Kings. Someone's going to be bursting into ABC with a plan for a role-reversal reboot in the morning, aren't they?

Having said that, this is less sitcom than HBO prestige drama territory, from Alessandra's natty headpiece and flowing cape to the quasi-choral lines about the progress of a royal warrior.

Sadly, it's crying out for a 'skip titles' button.

21. Germany: Lord of the Lost - Blood & Glitter

Or, apparently, the Kerrang one.

"Very popular in Germany" says Graham, which I think we all know was meant as a content warning.

"We're so happy we could die" they sing, which would really put a wrinkle in the evening, guys.

The PVC catsuit is leaving nothing to the imagination, except perhaps thinking about the conversation where they were asking "do you not have this in the next size up?"

I'm not sure how the crotch can be both too tight but also slapping about like a carp on the towpath.

9.57

22. Lithuania | Monika Linkytė - Stay

Monika is wearing boxing gloves and sparring in the little video, and - this might come back to haunt me when it turns out she's Lithuania's Olympic kickboxing champion but - I'd wager that she's never hit anything other than perhaps the 'donate' button on a website raising funds for injured kittens.

The song - and the circle of backing singers in sober black - has the air of a Christian rock troupe who are afraid to veer too closely towards gospel lest the audience start speaking in tongues.

10.01

23. Israel | Noa Kirel - Unicorn

One of Israel's biggest stars, apparently.

She's started apparently trapped inside some sort of Escher nightmare, and when the camera pulls back it looks like she's come onto the stage via a low-budget portal. If Megabus did Stargates.

The spine of this song is like synthy indigestion. 

Look, if we've learned one thing from the films of Tom Cruise, it's that you don't fucking touch unicorns. And this one, especially, you should steer clear of.

Not a good start for Israel, she's already got her foot stuck in the railings #Eurovision2023 pic.twitter.com/LtTucJ0Fay

— Drivelcast (@drivelcast) May 13, 2023

10.05

24. Slovenia | Joker Out - Carpe Diem

They're called Joker Out.

They're called Joker Out.

Is that as in 'we've prepared the cards for Canasta'? Is that as in 'I'm a bit like Heath Ledger and that's all I've got to say about it'? Is that as in 'Beadle's About and filming a skit dressed up as a policeman'?

No, it's as in Mark Owen's brief flirtation with an indie music career.

Another awkward handover between Graham and Mel in the booth, as Norton has man's work to do opening the votes.

25. Croatia | Let 3 - Mama ŠČ!

It's Monty Python's Miley Cyrus.

I suspect if you were Croatian, the satirical bite about tractors would be a bit sharper, but clearly there are going to be people in Croatia having meltdowns that this is the song representing them this year, and you've got to love them for that.

10.15

26. United Kingdom: Mae Muller - I Wrote A Song

Brave of the BBC to show so much of the UK's waterways tonight; a rivulet of poop colour running through the multicolour celebrations.

Here we are, then, with the local one. More spooky hands.

This probably sounds more like a Eurovision song than anything the UK has ever entered into Eurovision. Right down to the da-da-da-das. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.

I don't think Look East will be searching out a Mae Muller lookalike next year, but I also don't think she'll be mournfully showing her shoes to them in fifteen years time.

10.17

And that's it for the songs. Liverpool is going absolutely apeshit with delight.

The first lyric of this Eurovision:

"oh my god, you're such a good writer"

The final lyric of this Eurovision:

"instead I wrote a song"

Nicely done.

— Elaine Scattermoon (@scattermoon) May 13, 2023

I would love to know what the commentators from countries other than the UK said at this truly iconic moment #eurovision #Eurovision2023 pic.twitter.com/PZJ2s4NkH4

— helen 📚 (@HelenJSlater) May 13, 2023

And the voting is open.

10.28

Sam Ryder's here, doing a new song. Which at least stopping him making adverts for Vodaphone. Is this his first new song since last year? He did do a lot of things on the New Years Eve show on BBC One, but I was tired and couldn't tell you if they were covers or not. I'm not sure he needs lots of songs. 

Apparently he had Roger Taylor from Queen on the drums, but it looked like Dave from down the market.

Jan Leeming has been wheeled out to remember hosting Eurovision in Harrogate, while three dozen European networks have their hosts try and explain who she is. Very much the new Katie Boyle.

I would love to know what the commentators from countries other than the UK said at this truly iconic moment #eurovision #Eurovision2023 pic.twitter.com/PZJ2s4NkH4

— helen 📚 (@HelenJSlater) May 13, 2023

We're now getting a bit about the scoring sequence. Because it's not like that won't be going on long enough in its own right and really needs a few extra moments in the sun.

10.45

Onto the Mersey song cavalcade. 

A terrible reading of Imagine which only has the soothing balm that Lennon will be spinning in his grave.

On the other hand, Pete Burns would be loving this version of Spin Me Round by Netta.

Dadi Freyer has drawn the short straw and is having a crack at making Whole Again into an A-Ha number.

C'mon, lets have some Half Man Half Biscuit, people.

Cornelia Jacobs has made I Turn To You so languid that she's delivering it sitting down. Hold on, no, she's fallen into the bath. Producers going wild trying to stop her white singlet turning music's annual festival into a wet t-shirt contest.

When did we move from ironic love for Sonia into national-treasure love for Sonia? She's being treated here like it's Lady Di come back from the grave.

Got to be honest, this selection of Liverpool toons is going to scupper the chance of Paul DuNoyer's Wondorous Place getting a reprinting.

You'll Never Walk Alone being done by someone in a trenchcoat whose name I missed. For balance, they're going to have to do the Z Cars theme, aren't they?

No McCartney song, huh? I'm revising who I think the Big Secret Surprise act will be in light of this. Unless they're really snubbing him. Maybe Liverpool's not forgiven him for bringing James Corden to the Philharmonic.

23.00

We used to live next door to Atomic Kitten's offices. One night, a very drunk group of young girls stumbled up the street and sang Whole Again through the letter box, apparently convinced the band lived in their office and would welcome a 1am audition. Still did it better than the version we've just heard.

Voting is closed.

Russia attacked Ternopil, where @TvorchiOfficial are from, right before their performance at Eurovision.@TvorchiOfficial took this sign to show support for their hometown. We stand with Ternopil and all people in Ukraine who experienced the attack. pic.twitter.com/pswl2srymC

— UNITED24.media (@United24media) May 13, 2023

23.08 

And we're into the jury vote segment. (So no big surprise, then?)

Ukraine, subtly reminding Liverpool that they're only doing it on Ukraine's behalf.  12 to Sweden.

Italy - presented by a budget Zendaya - 12 to Israel.

Latvia's presenter is a crazy guy, with sunglasses on his head and a wacky jacket. Crazy. 12 crazy points to Estonia.

Already looking a bit grim for the UK.

Netherlands wearing a sweater that hasn't rendered properly.  12 to Sweden.

Malta have got security in to give the numbers. "Thank you for hosting an amazing show, but here are the votes from the Maltese jury". 12 to Sweden.

Moldova offer a budget store Cate Blanchett. 12 to Sweden again.

Ireland have got "Sonia's nemesis"; although they have given UK 2 - so we're now on six. 12 to Sweden. It's a rout at both ends.

San Marino have dashed out of a banker's dinner to give 12 to Italy.

23.15

Azerbaijan are giving style, albeit in a thirty years old version. 12 to Israel.

UK still not picking anything up. That's harsh. Mae's no Bucks Fizz but she deserved a bit more love.

Austria are wearing a well-meaning slogan tshirt. 12 to Italy. Sweden still have double the votes.

France, once again in fromt of the fucking Eiffel Tower. Show a bit of imagination, France.  12 to Israel.

Germany and Croatia are still on zero.

Finland are fresh from the dungeon. UK get 4 and sneak onto 10; 12 to Sweden.

Graham looks a bit bored by it all. Been a big day.

Belgium are, inevitably, wearing a big hat because that's their thing. 12 to Austria. I'd forgotten them.

Germany's fun, gay uncle gives 12 to Sweden. We're gonna see those nails again.

11.20

Portugal have their scores, which is reassuring. 12 to Australia. (<whispers>I think Portugal are stoned.</whispers>)

Croatia give 12 to Italy.

Estonia are recently divorced. 12 to Sweden, but then they would.

Armenia are on their way to a fetish club but drop 12 off for Israel first.

11.25

Poland are dressed for heavy rain in a glittery anorak. 12 to Israel.

Romania have got some nice fountains. "Good evening beautiful world". 12 to Italy. This might just close the gap enough to make the viewers vote meaningful.

Germany still on a flat zero. Everyone's forgotten the UK even exists.

And we're now filling a commercial break gap by chatting to Sweden. Loreen doesn't know what to say.

11.30

They had been doing a top 3 summary, but now they've expanded it top 5 because 'who will come third' is suddenly more of a exciting question.

Iceland have sent some sort of killer robot from the future and he's doing a very slow striptease which is pushing the News back to 1am. Australia get their 12 points, and we're all going to have a word with Iceland after the programme is over. We're not angry, just disappointed.

Serbia have dressed as a cowgirl who also busses tables. 12 to Slovenia.

Cyprus has donned a floral print suit jacket which actually is working for him. 12 to Sweden.

Ben From A1 is in Oslo to do the Norway votes. He's got his wolf head with him. 12 to Finland, and Terry Wogan's ghost mutters 'told you so'.

Smiley Switzerland are represented by Fred from Angel. 12 to Czechia.

Australia have got Su Pollard's aunt. "Definitely worth waking up for" she says, although Graham looks like he disagrees. 12 to Belguim.

11.35

Denmark's scores come from someone so Danish she's practically made of butter. 12 to Finland.

Spain showing a bit of leg and some Dua Lipa action. Nobody's giving anything to Mae. 12 to Sweden. 134 points ahead now.

Israel have got their first ever entrant back, 50 years on, to give 12 to Sweden. Got to say she doesn't seem entirely thrilled.

Sweden have given 4 to the UK, but it's meaningless now. 12 to Finland.

The audience love it when Finland get a 12. Get a bit rowdy. Peter Kavanaghs at chucking out time rowdy.

Sweden are miles ahead.

Georgia have tried to out-wacky everyone. Mel is chuckling. Don't indulge them, Mel. 12 to Belgium. Bad hat boys stick together.

Czechia give their 12 to Ukraine, who had been languishing in the lower middle of the table so far.

Slovenia have splurged on those earrings. They really shouldn't, but they couldn't resist them. 12 to Italy.

Greece take Sweden over 300 but only gave them 6. They're wearing a polyester suit jacket. 12 to Belgium.

11.45

Albania think it would be a shame if anything happened to your lovely shop. 12 to Sweden.

Lithuania are so excited to be here. 12 to Sweden.

And finally, we're getting Catherine Tate with the UK votes, deservedly milking it for all its worth. 12 to Sweden.

So, jury votes counted - Sweden 340, followed by Israel on 177. UK fifth from bottom on 15. No nul points this year.

11.48

Time for the votes from the people at home. They've been checked. They've been verified. Georgia have deleted dozens of votes for Trump. We're POISED.

11.50

Germany get a dribble from the public - an extra 15

Croatia - 112

Poland - 81

(at this stage, countries need over 300 to be in with a chance)

Serbia 16

The UK... get a large cheer and an extra 9. Which is just enough to not become bottom. But the audience isn't happy.

Albania 59 

Moldavia 76

Slovenia 54

Portugal 16

Norway 216

a lot but won't make much difference

France 50

Ukraine 189

Switzerland 31

Cyprus 58

Armenia 53

These points are fairly equally distributed

Lithuania 46

Czechia 35

Looking very much in the bag for Sweden

Spain 5

Austria a surprising 16

Belgium 55

Australia 21 (Graham can't quite believe this)

Estonia 22

The audience are sounding a bit restless as we get to Finland

Finland 376 - spring into the lead

This has, for the first time all evening, started to feel like a contest.

Midnight

We're overruning now

Italy 174. So not their year.

Israel 185. Not their year.

Only Sweden can win now.

Sweden need 187 to win.

They get 243.

Loreen is now going to have perform again despite being very - uh - relaxed.

What have we learned?

So... the Liverpool Echo's big secret surprise act... doesn't seem to have been a thing at all. And, really, isn't that the biggest surprise of them all?

Normally the UK does poorly and, really, you just shrug and go 'yeah, probably deserved that' but Mae Muller should have been higher. Not top five, but a ought to have got a decent three figures.

Catherine Tate really enjoyed her evening.

Iceland either were trying to be funny and ended up being disturbing, or are just genuinely disturbing.

Loreen has won by having a song that has just enough of The Winner Takes It All in its DNA to trigger thoughts of Abba, but making her do her act in that crushing block thing after an evening of refreshing drinks is an industrial injury waiting to happen.

Liverpool know how to host a Eurovision and probably should do it every year. (Although I pray to God nobody's thinking 'hey, how can we do an annual UKvision song contest')

It's been fun. Maybe see you next year?

Gordon in the morning: Zach off

Pete Samson files from America, with news of a surprising intervention in UK politics:

HOLLYWOOD funnyman Zach Galifianakis has launched a campaign from the US: “Make Boris Johnson Prime Minister.”

Obviously, there's little surprise in Murodch hacks doing their master's bidding by running a story that bolsters his beloved pet toff and adds a bit of showbiz glitz to the anointed one. But Galifianakis actively running a campaign to pull off the difficult trick of getting a safe Tory MP to resign their seat, Boris into parliament, and replacing David Cameron? He must be deeply convinced in the Boris agenda to sign up to that - how much time has he spent studying British politics?

The actor was wowed by the Mayor of London after watching him on David Letterman’s late-night chat show before the Olympics.

That seems a fairly slight base upon which to start a campaign. You... you are sure he's running a campaign, aren't you, Pete?

[F]or the Hangover star there is one bright light shining in the dark world of politics – and that’s Boris and his dazzling blond barnet.

Zach said it would be “amazing” if Boris was made PM. He told The Sun: “He would change the face of what a national leader could be. He’s charming, very funny – and has that weird hair.”

So the "campaign" consists of muttering something about how funny it would be if we landed ourselves with a Prime Minister with unruly hair.

You wouldn't be slightly overselling the story, there, Pete, would you?

On the high wire, dressed in a leotard...

We all enjoyed the sight this week of the world's worst piñata, as Boris Johnson dangled from a zip wire in Victoria Park:

But why was Boris in the park in the first place?

His remarks, once he was on the ground, give a clue:

"I brilliantly decided to come to a juddering halt in the middle of the zip-wire in order to promote our wonderful live site at Victoria Park.

"Get on down to Victoria Park, folks. Free entertainment, hog roast, you name it. It turned out I was the Yuri Gagarin of the zip-wire. I was testing it."

Boris isn't the only one who was hanging in the wind of Victoria Park hoping people would turn up - so too are LiveNation, who had annexed the vast swathe of the park for the event.

They'd been expecting 1.2million visitors across the Olympic and Paralympic weeks, but
Trail By Jeory finally got LiveNation to admit they're a little off the pace:

I asked Live Nation. Spokeswoman number one said 20,000 on the opening night and an average of 8,000 a day thereafter. Again, I asked for the daily breakdown. “That’s the only number we have,” she said. So when I said that an average can only be worked out by having the daily breakdowns, her boss, a very senior dude within Live Nation, called me.
He eventually read them out:
July 27 – 18,814
July 28 – 14,759
July 29 – 8,039
July 30 – 8,169
July 31 – 7,031
Aug 1 – 8,235
Aug 2 – 10,462
Note, these are total daily attendance figures, not the peak crowds at any one time. As you can see, they are a little more than 10 per cent of what the council and Live Nation were expecting.

There was, you'll note, a small uptick in attendance the day after Boris hung against the clear blue sky, so maybe it was worth his effort.

But why are things so grim that Mayor McCheese is having to try and bark up a crowd?

Trial By Jeory thinks that the removal of packed lunches on the way in has killed word of mouth:

I then pressed the senior guy from Live Nation on the question of food confiscation: quite categorically he told me that that was beyond their control, that they had to adhere to Locog’s rules (Locog run the Olympic Games). That’s funny, I said, because I’ve been going into the Olympic Park every day with sandwiches and packets of crisps and not once have they been taken, even by the G4S guards. So he went away and came back a few minutes later and said their rules have now been relaxed, that families can now take in–wait for this–Mars bars, crisps and sweets!
What about sandwiches and other picnic items, I asked? No can do, he said, Locog rules…yeah, right.

It's true that LOCOG have frowned on picnic hampers going into the Olympic Venues, but the only general restriction for Olympic venues is "excessive amounts of food" and the general paranoia about liquids. LOCOG, categorically, do not forbid you from taking in a couple of picnic eggs and a round of egg mayonnaise sandwiches, and so if the security at the LiveNation site is stealing people's food on the way in, that's down to LiveNation.

Boris might enjoy his hog roast, but if you're a family struggling to make ends meet, having to pay closed-event prices for four hungry mouths isn't much of a great draw.

The other major problem with the event is the ticketing.

Now, supposedly, most of the events in the park are free. But the website suggests you buy tickets to get guaranteed entry.

So you've already got a confused message: you can either just walk up and get in, or else, to be sure to get in, you need a ticket. "Shall we go to the park on the off-chance that we might be able to queue for a bit?" is something of a passion killer.

The wise family will book in advance, to make sure their plans come off. Here's where the "free event" becomes a little less free, as there's a booking fee.

Yep, just when you think you've heard every argument against ticket fees, here's a new one - LiveNation's ticketing arm, Ticketmaster (of course) will charge you £3.50 for "ticket fees". For this, you get, erm, an email which you print out. I cannot for the life of me fathom how Ticketmaster feel they do £3.50 worth of work here.

In fact, all it can do is add an extra disincentive to go. Who wouldn't feel ripped off being told they can go to a free event in their park, only to discover that they're being shaken down for cash in order to get access.

Sure, three quid fifty isn't much, and given that it's a totally made-up sum of more-or-less pure profit, I suppose you could raise a festive Union Jack hat to Ticketmaster for not charging £40, or £3.50 per ticket rather than per order. But if you're on a tight budget, it's a hurdle. I suspect it's also a fairly clear signal that the "free" fun is going to be rather less free than advertised - a bad taste in the mouth that no Boris-endorsed hog roast will wash away.

(You could see the Ticketmaster shake-down effect at the BT River Of Music event before the games - brilliant line-ups, great weather, nice venues, but - certainly in Battersea - quite poorly attended because, again, the free event in the park required a payment to Ticketmaster.)

So there we have it: an event that has taken over a large swathe of a public park, pinched sandwiches from the audience and looks to be costing more money than it'll make. Was Boris Johnson being dropped from the sky to try and salvage the event from a terrible hangover?

[I heartily recommend the Trial By Jeory post for the full, murky backstory of the LiveNation event]

Mick Jagger loves Boris Johnson

Given the way Mick Jagger got cross when people found out he was planning to meet David Cameron a few weeks back, he probably won't be thrilled at his fawning over the mayoral punchline, revealed in the Telegraph:

Sir Mick, whose hits include (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction, retains his affection for Boris Johnson, though. “I got an email message from Sir Mick Jagger congratulating me on winning the mayoral race,” says Johnson. “It is not impossible that I could pay him back and offer to dance with him on stage.”

Hang about, though - the Stones famously arrange their tours to avoid having to pay too much tax in the UK. Isn't that the sort of aggressive tax "avoidance" that the Tories are supposed to be decrying?

Jagger slaps Cameron & struts out of Davos

Ah, this morning's lavish coverage of Mick Jagger turning up at Dave and/or Boris' expensive Davos tea party must have thrilled the Number 10 press office.

The grins have probably faded somewhat, as Jagger has pulled out, fuming at being described, for example, as a Tory by Gordon Smart this morning:

The Rolling Stones frontman said: "During my career I have always eschewed party politics and came to Davos as a guest, as I thought it would be stimulating.

"I have always been interested in economics and world events.

"I now find myself being used as a political football and there has been a lot of comment about my political allegiances which are inaccurate.

"I think it's best I decline the invitation to the key event and curtail my visit."

That's pretty much a disendorsement of Cameron, then. Or possibly of Boris. Or probably both.

Gordon in the morning: Jagger swagger

Not often the scribbling of Tom Newton Dunn, The Sun's political editor, makes it onto Gordon's pages, but his story today that Mick Jagger is going to help Cameron promote Britain.

Of course, this is at an event overseas; Jagger and The Rolling Stones being famously averse to spending too long in Britain lest they actually pay their fair share of tax.

It's at Davos, which will give Mick a chance to visit his money at the same time.

This, apparently, is a "publicity coup":

The Rolling Stones legend will be star attraction at an event in Switzerland organised by Downing Street to boost investment to the UK in the Olympics year.

No10 is "tickled pink" with the publicity coup, a senior Government source told The Sun.

Hang about, though... what's this further down the story?

The tea party — officially hosted by London mayor Boris Johnson

So it's not actually organised by Downing Street, then?

In case you don't already feel queasy enough at this, somebody has come up with a "No 10's Top 10" of hilariously retitled Rolling Stones songs. It includes Paint It Blue and Little Blue Rooster. No, really.

BoJo on Jacko: He's a bit like Diana, kind of

Who better to catch the national mood at a time like this than, erm, The Mayor Of London. Although, in his musings on Michael Jackson's death in the Telegraph, Boris is writing in the capacity of his second well-paid job, not the first. Or is writing oped pieces his main job and mayoring a hobby? It's hard to tell.

Anyway, Boris remembers where he was when he heard the news. He was listening to the news:

I happened to be driving late into the night, listening to the radio, on the day Michael Jackson died...

I'm having trouble picturing this - Boris was recreating Two Lane Black Top? Rare, surely, to find him not on his trademark pushbike or taking a taxi, but driving he was. When the news broke:

...and it was obvious that the disc jockey was completely out of touch with his audience.

Given that his audience included Boris, that might be a good thing.

The station repeatedly carried the news that the 50-year- old star was dead, and then the presenter would add that they did not usually play his records because – we gathered – they were much too hip to do so.

It's frustrating that Boris doesn't share the name of the station with us, as then we could at least conclude if that was fair. After all, if it was Radio One, then, yes, Jackson's stuff would fall out of its usual orbit. If it was Radio Two, it would seem unlikely that a presenter would say any such thing.

But I have a feeling Boris might have been listening to a commercial station, as had he been tuned to a BBC network, the Telegraph would gleefully have fallen upon it. And given how tightly focus-grouped all commercial stations tend to be in the UK, if the network doesn't usually play Mickey J, that would be because it was too in touch with its audience.

But what happened next, Boris?

The most he would offer, as a special favour to Michael Jackson fans, and in recognition of his "iconic" status, was to play one of his hits every hour. But as the night wore on it was clear that the position was untenable. The presenter plaintively reported that the station was being flooded with texts, emails and calls. The listeners wanted Jackson.

Maybe they did. But it's likely they weren't the station's usual audience, isn't it? Might they not have been Jackson fans who normally would be abed, asleep, dreaming of moonwalking, tuning in to a place they seldom visit and demanding Jackson action?

The snooty old code was bowing beneath the weight of popular demand.

Maybe. Although who knew we'd live so long we'd see a Bullingdon Club member damn a radio station for being too establishment by not playing thirty year old pop records?

But also maybe not - perhaps the presenter really did know his audience - the regular audience, the ones who tune in night after night; clearly, they wouldn't be doing so if they didn't like the music, and - he might have decided - if they weren't that arsed about hearing Man In The Mirror on Wednesday, why would they suddenly want to hear just because the man's obituary was going to be in the Mirror?

But let's think about Boris' claims that playing a few requests on the night of a celebrity death is a sign of the falling of an ancien regime. Does that remind you of something?

No?

Bugger.

How about if you squint a little, and push the image really, really firmly?

Are we getting there?

Like the courtiers of Buckingham Palace who eventually caved in and flew the flag at half-mast to mark the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, the radio producers decided they could hold out no more. As I tapped the steering wheel to Thriller and Billie Jean...

... the taxi driver snapped "Look, Mr. Johnson, if you keep doing that you're going to have to sit in the back with your bicycle, dirty tyres or no dirty tyres.

Oh, hang on, no...

... it was clear that something was growing out there in the noosphere, and that the death of Michael Jackson was unleashing significant emotions in the popular consciousness.

Radio station realises it's audience has shifted because of events it couldn't have predicted; makes minor adjustments to playlist. Boy, I hope someone warns the head of programmes at the station to wear two shirts when he's heading out to the block.

By the way: yes, he did write the word "noosphere" - I can only assume he's trying to kill Simon Heffer by littering the Telegraph with witless neologisms.

In the intervening days it has become clear that the hysteria has not gone away.

Really? Only I thought it was pretty much the world getting on with its life, except for the handful of mega-fans and people with columns to fill and - ahem - music blogs to write. But do share the signs of hysteria with us.

In tribute to the rhinestone-studded uniform of the late performer, Lily Allen is apparently to be seen wearing a single white glove at the Glastonbury Festival.

Hysteria! Woman wears one glove (erm, apparently)! Hold on, we might have to shoot her if her lowkey tribute gets any closer to being out-of-control.

Candlelit vigils have begun at the hospital where they failed to revive him.

Not being able to say "where he died" is pretty hysterical, and, yes, a few people did make special trips to do so. But candleit vigils are not uncommon in America when people die suddenly and unexpectedly. Communities will do it for high school football stars.

More than 1,000 Filipino prisoners have filmed themselves miming one of his dance routines, and posted the results on YouTube to global acclaim.

In fact, so hysterical with grief were they, they even created a massive time machine in order to transport themselves back to July 2007 to do this.

The BBC has already flown Newsnight's Emily Maitlis and a vast taxpayer-funded retinue to the scene of the tragedy, and the ether is being churned with her heavyweight political and cultural apercus.

How dare the BBC! Taxpayer funded retinues! For a dead popstar? Who cares about a dead pop star, eh, Bo... oh, hang about - this article was supposed to be suggesting that the death of Jackson was a vitally important moment in our cultural lives, wasn't it?

Can we turn the taxi round, please?

And who can fault the BBC's news judgment?

Yes, those wasteful types at the BBC spending money on covering a news story in exactly the right way.

By the middle of this week, senior politicians will no doubt be chivvied in front of the camera to confirm that he was the prince of pop, or the people's prancer, and Gordon Brown will probably moonwalk into Prime Minister's questions.

Boris can't seem to decide if the death of Michael Jackson is a terrible event we should all take really seriously, or if you should take the piss out of someone who does take it seriously.

I mean, imagine, a senior politician spending time seeking for significance in the death of a musician. Why, that's the sort of thing that nobody more senior that, ooh, the mayor of the capital should be wasting their time on. Or possible not. Because it's the public mood.

Boris is quick to make clear, though, that - certainly with his writer's hat on - that he doesn't feel emotional himself:

Now you or I may not share these emotions. We may not be the kind of people who queue to place flowers at the Neverland ranch, or hurl ourselves sobbing at the foot of his catafalque.

In other words, if I'm following you, Boris, you're making it clear that you're completely out of touch with what you believe is the public mood?

We may not feel a sudden gap, a strange hollowness, in our lives. But some people do. Lots of people do.

It's like... well, imagine if one of the few deputy mayors you'd managed to hang on to suddenly vanished in a cloud of credit card receipts. It's that sort of sudden gap.

"I feel what I should have felt at the death of Diana," said one young man at a wedding party this weekend, while two women vigorously agreed. In the face of this kind of authentic feeling, we would be mad to sneer.

But is it authentic? Isn't using a phrase like "what I should have felt" already an indication of an artifice at work - this chap isn't feeling an emotion, he's comparing an experience.

And is Boris so sure that there is this massive, deep feeling of loss? What's he basing it on? An overheard conversation at a wedding party and some texts to a trucker's hour radio show? A two year-old video on YouTube?

Boris then sets out to explain why Jackson is a towering figure, by way a description of Thriller, and then comparing him first to Orpheus, and then to Diana. Not the classical Diana, the one off the souvenir mugs and teatowels:

He was a martyr, in the sense that Diana was a martyr. Her death evoked an astonishing response, partly because she spoke to every woman who has been let down by a man, every woman who has worried about her weight, every woman who feels the system is unfair to women. That is a lot of women.

The great pity, of course, is that we'd just about got to a point where everyone had agreed that the death of Diana sent some people a little bit crazy; where everyone had decided to claim that, yes, they'd gone to Kensington, but they were only there to look at the crowds. And now we're right back to square one.

Johnson's suggestion that there was something deeper than a mix of prurience and a desire to be in a soap opera driving the Diana crowds doesn't even stand up to a re-reading of his own column - wasn't he just painting a picture of three people at a wedding party admitting they didn't, actually, feel anything when Diana died?

Michael Jackson went one better. He spoke to the billions of people the world over who feel that they do not conform in some way to the Hollywood stereotype of good looks – either because they are too fat or thin or the wrong colour or have the wrong sort of eyes or nose. In a world dominated by a demoralising canon of physical perfection, he was the patron saint of dysmorphia.

Was he? If Jacko was the patron saint of those who didn't look like they fitted in, wasn't his behaviour somewhat akin to Francis of Assisi marketing bird scarers and rabbit traps?

Sure, he ended up looking a little odd, but that was driven purely by a desire for the very opposite. It might be cruel and ironic and sad that his desperate quest for perfection meant each step he took deposited him further from his goal - but let's not try and pretend that Jackson was a comfort for the odd-looking. His message was "fuck, I don't want to look like you lot".

And by his musical triumphs, he proved the essential point, that you can look weird, feel weird, be weird – and still be a genius. In one sense Michael Jackson was beaten by the star system, in that it made demands about how he should look and behave which he felt he could never satisfy. In another sense he beat the system. He beat it by writing Beat It.

If Jackson has defeated the system, Boris, victory looks less than life itself.

How bad are things for Gordon Brown?

Things are so bad for the PM that Lily Allen is able to patronise him:

She has said that Gordon Brown is “a nice man” and that she could never become a Tory.

Although what of the Tories, Lily - aren't you working with them?

Boris Johnson, is “a cool guy” and that she wants to fulfil her promise, made in the wake of the glut of teenage stabbings last year, to help London’s troubled youth. But not until she has enough time to do it properly. “I could just turn up to something and shake people’s hands and have my photo taken, but I’d rather do something hands-on and actually achieve something.” Then she breaks into squealing giggles. “Boris wrote me a letter recently, but I’m not going to tell you what it’s about.”

So... so far, she's just been part of a big, splashy press launch and not actually done anything because she doesn't just want to do something for the cameras and then no do anything? I see.

You could almost feel sorry for Lily Allen

Given the way she moaned on about being featured by OK, you'd probably be a bit surprised that Lily Allen has no problem being interviewed by the Daily Mail. Perhaps some told her it was a very prestigious newspaper - you know how much she loves those.

It didn't go well, sadly. Oh, the gentle plugfest passed by happily enough. The problem for Lily, though, is the headline albatross attached to the neck of the piece:

Lily Allen: Why I've got the hots for Boris Johnson

She's got the hots for the world's most useless mayor? And is going to not just reveal this, but explain the reasons? Let's pull up a chair, shall we?

I quite fancy Boris Johnson, even though he's a Tory. He's very funny and charming.

Oh. So it's not "I have the hots for" - it's "heh, he's kinda cute". And not much on the why, either.

You could almost feel sorry for her. Almost.

Oasis get XFM into trouble

It's a bumper Christmas special sized Ofcom complaints bulletin this month, kicking off with TalkSport's £20,000 fine for James Whale endorsing Boris Johnson for London mayor. It would have been more but Ofcom were worried that a larger fine might make it difficult for TalkSport to make the kind of programmes its known for - which, you might think, would be reason alone to fine at least into six figures.

Then, XFM gets rapped after its Scottish service broadcast a live Oasis gig at 8pm:

On reviewing a recording of the material provided by GCap Media Ltd. (“GCap”), which controls and provides compliance for the station, Ofcom noted that the programme contained the word “cunt”, as well as several instances of the word “fucking”.

XFM apologised and has bollocked the producer responsible, but did try a half-hearted defence:

GCap asked Ofcom to note, however, that listeners to Xfm Scotland expected edgier content and that very few children would be listening to the station at that time.

Why would someone seeking "edgy" content be listening to an Oasis gig?

More trouble for Global over at soon-to-be-sister station Heart, which got carried away promoting Mama Mia! The Musical at the same time as taking sponsorship money from the filmmakers:

Heart said that it is a music and entertainment station primarily targeted at women in their thirties and that it aims to provide them with interesting and relevant lifestyle features. The broadcaster believed that the launch of ‘Mamma Mia! The Movie’ was “a massive showbiz event which presented an outstanding opportunity to engage with the lives and lifestyles of [Heart’s] target audience.” It added that not only was it editorially justified for Heart to have provided extensive coverage of the event, but its audience would have expected it.

Good lord - if you were running a radio station during a commercial downturn, would you really want to portray your target market as a bunch of people whose week would be wrecked if they didn't keep getting reminded about Meryl Streep lipsynching to Super Trooper?

Ofcom asked them to tone it down in future:

In conclusion, Ofcom accepts that there was some editorial justification for references to ‘Mama Mia! The Movie’ in Heart’s programming during this period. However, in this case, the sheer volume, nature and tone of references resulted in the references appearing to be contrived and in some places, gratuitous. This resulted in the station giving undue prominence to the film and also promoting it as a product. Ofcom considered that the station output went beyond informing listeners about the recent release of a film that was likely to interest them. This resulted in breaches of the Code.

I'm not sure what the sanction will be - possibly every member of the audience has to be given a bottle of Lambrini or something.

6Music's Nemone came to grief during an interview with Doug Stanhope, who called two of Sarah Palin's children "retards":

Doug Stanhope: [Ms Palin] is a 44 year-old mother of five, two of which are retarded.

Nemone Metaxus: These are your, [laughs] obviously, your views…

Doug Stanhope: One’s got Down’s Syndrome and the other volunteered for Iraq . So that’s two retards out of five.... Oh nothing. They give me nothing, nothing but blank looks.

Nemone Metaxus: Doug this is your opinion, your opinion of what’s happening back home, so obviously, if something kicks off in America …

Doug Stanhope: For Pete’s sake, don’t stare at me like that. The woman has a baby with Down’s Syndrome; how can America get behind her when even God obviously hates her. [laughs]

Nemone Metaxus: I think we’ll leave that to you. That’s obviously what you think about I’m sure there are some….

Doug Stanhope: So that’s some of the stuff we’ve been dealing with.

The only way you could make this more unpleasant would be to suggest there was something 'edgy' about calling people with Down's "retards":

The broadcaster pointed out that BBC 6 Music is aimed at an adult audience and that Friday’s edition of Nemone in particular, regularly features guests with edgier, more adult orientated material.

What does that mean? It's okay to call people retards providing the audience is over 18? Surely the point is that this is offensive - in the thoughtless, cruel sense of the word - rather than a naughty swearword?

I think Ofcom might have issued its first ever sarcastic response in this case:

Ofcom acknowledges that BBC 6 Music attracts a predominantly adult audience and that regular listeners who are familiar with the irreverent style of its presenters and guests may not necessarily find the use of words such as “retard” offensive.

... "I mean" said Ofcom, "if people are tuning in for the George Lamb show it's not like they're going to be that sophisticated in their tastes, is it?"

Finally, perhaps in the interests of political balance, Guardian Media Group's 96.3 Rock Radio had its own jaw-dropping moment:

Donald Macleod, a Scottish music industry entrepreneur and newspaper columnist, presents a show on weekdays from 18:00 to 22:00 .

During the broadcast in question, the presenter said the following when introducing the song ‘Black Hole Sun’ by Soundgarden:

“Barack Obama’s favourite song. Your Mum’s got a big black hole, son” .

Don, in his offensive, insisted that he didn't mean this to sound racist and explained that he'd been "under some pressure within the studio". And he does seem pretty angry with himself that something so unpleasant slipped out.

Oddly, nobody seems concerned that it was also unpleasantly sexist, too. Perhaps that's something for another time.

Buskers busted

With surprisingly short notice, London Underground have canceled their busker scheme deal with Automatic Management. Set up in the days of the Livingstone administration, this was the attempt to impose order on the chaos of tubeway buskers. It took much of the romance out of the underground - buskers were given official pitches, the scheme was sponsored by some sort of lager - but also offered a truce in the long battles between London Transport and musicians.

Now, though, the deal has gone and London Underground is taking control of the scheme, but in a way that sounds like it's a prelude to running it down:

For the foreseeable future, there will be no Busking Site Managers. In the event of any dispute over pitch bookings, instruments being played etc., LU staff will not enter into protracted discussions with buskers. If a situation cannot be easily remedied, Station Supervisors have the authority to close a busking pitch for as long as they think necessary to avoid problems. Where this is deemed necessary. Station Supervisors have been instructed to submit a formal report. Buskers should do the same to the above email address. BTP are being briefed of these changes and will provide assistance as necessary, although this is unlikely to be needed.

We can see the reasoning behind the 'if there's any dispute, shut it down' line - there's no funding for the running of these pitches and staff don't have the time or the training to oversee them. That's why, presumably, the running of the scheme was outsourced in the first place.

The Underground denies the long-term plan is to drop the scheme entirely:

We realise that the interim arangements are not ideal. However, we remain commited to operating this scheme for you and we are working hard to introduce more robust arrangements as quickly as we can. The decision to bring the scheme ‘in-house’ was taken with very little notice (for a number of reasons) and we must all do all we can over the coming weeks to keep the scheme viable.

... but that pay off about "keeping the scheme viable" suggests a door being opened to an announcement that, hey, we tried to do all we can, but...

Some suspicion has aired that Boris will have something to do with this - like he's actually making decisions - but there's nothing to confirm one way or the other.

So, it wasn't just a lame stunt, then?

You might have thought that, like his appearance at Pride, Boris Johnson's decision to embrace Lily Allen was more about photo opportunities trying to reposition him as being intouch and modern than a serious attempt to do something about knife crime. But, oh no, it really is a genuine initiative:

Speaking about the meeting, Johnson told BBC 6music: "I welcome any constructive suggestions on combating knife crime and Lily Allen has already proved her commitment to help address this problem.

"I welcome her proposals and am keen to explore further how she can help us address this serious and distressing problem.

"There is nothing romantic or glamorous about knife crime and I'm delighted Lily will be using her considerable profile and fan base to spread that message."

Getting Lily Allen fans to tell people that there's nothing glamorous about having your face carved off with a Kitchen Devil. Yes, that's genius, that is. Presumably iTunes will, in future, feature a tick box for you to affirm you don't like knives before you can download a track from Alright Still The Only Record She's Made.

Having a meeting with a popstar and coming away convinced that, hey, if only we could tell the kids that knives are bad, it'll make a difference. Is that really the best they can do?

Mind you: even as they were meeting, the crime figures were released showing a 22% drop in violent crime. And that was just on the strength of Allen posting a message on her MySpace.

More Gcap blundering

Hot on the heels of the corrupt quiz phone-in, this week Ofcom has ruled on another breach of its code, this time by Jason Donovan.

Yes, Jason Donovan, who told listeners to 37 radio stations during his networked programme that:

“It’s time for a change. It’s definitely time for a change. Boris Johnson. I have to say it. That’s my political message…”

Before even considering the political message, surely it's worth taking a moment to see, once again, the idiocy of networking local radio programmes. Apart from listeners to the London stations - and maybe some bordering the M25 - who else tunes in to their local service to hear an Australian talking about an election they can't vote in?

Ofcom have let the network off with a stiff telling off - James Whale, canned from TalkSport for exactly the same offence, might view that as a somewhat slight consequence.

What's puzzling us, though, is surely this sort of thing falls under the Representation of the People Act as well? Is Jason doubly lucky that he's not heard from the police on this one?

And why does it seem only Boris supporters feel the need to hijack the airwaves for unofficial party election messages?

Hang about - who's running London?

Boris Johnson isn't: He's in Glastonbury, hanging out with very dubious company indeed.

Someone still love you, Boris Johnson

It's not just the slightly-optimistic anonymous commenter who is applauding Boris Johnson's decision to drop the anti-racism from the anti-racist Rise festival; some of his political opponents do too.

Indeed, the BNP are claiming the idea for their own, reports the Guardian diary:

The decision to strip the anti-racist theme from Rise, London's anti-racist festival, has won plaudits from the BNP. Indeed, their man says the whole thing was his idea.

Of course, as the commenter rightly pointed out, there's no reason to infer from the redirecting of Rise that Boris is racist. And just because you're getting applause from the BNP doesn't automatically make you a right-wing stooge. It does all look a bit petty and clumsy, though. You know, kind of like that 2003 Taki article that appeared in The Spectator when he was editor.

Boris Johnson: Anti-anti-racism - so do the two antis cancel each other out?

For over ten years, the London Rise festival has been one of the biggest and brightest anti-racist rallying points in the UK.

That is, up until now. Now London has elected bumbling right-wing hack Boris Johnson to be in charge, he's decided that the anti-racism event can only go ahead if it drops the anti-racism message. It's kind of hard to see the point; it's even harder to see what Johnson's objection to a strong statement against racism actually is.

The petty banning of the Cuba Solidarity Movement, clearly, at least makes sense in a political point-scoring context. But dropping the key message? Why?

A spokestongue for the man explains:

"Boris has made a commitment to go ahead with the Rise festival this year but wants to emphasise its cultural and community dimensions."

Aha. Clearly, you can't have a cultural event which calls out the small-minded, or a community event that stands up to racists, can you? How brave of Boris to create an event which allows the plastic nazis to feel a part of the community.

Foals unimpressed with Boris

Edwin Congreave of Foals isn't happy with the people of London:

"We're flying back to London from New York," he they wrote. "The jet lag is one thing, but the fear that we'll be flying into a city that isn't so much a newly fascist city-state than one big gilded joke of a newspaper column made rotten flesh [is another].

"Boris 'Picaninny' Johnson, we salute you – sort of like we'd salute any smug, self-satisfied old Etonian holding a statute-book to our heads. Congratulations and good luck with the Olympics.

"At least when California elected a clown as governor they elected one who'd made his name as a muscle-man [Arnold Schwarzenegger]. Boris appears to have been elected simply because he has blond hair."

Actually, it turns out that most Boris voters thought that he'd only be mayor for one week, followed by the bloke from the Pimms advert the next, and then Brian Blessed.

Boris against the porn world

The Spectator's leader column has weighed in with a typically confused piece on Pete Townshend.

"It may turn out that he has not committed an offence" (erm, except he's admitted that he has) "but his reputation has been destroyed forever" (we're not quite sure how The Spectator are able to look into the future.)

But just in case there's a danger of them being thought of as being sympathetic, the paper rushes to make clear they're here to have a bit of a gawp at Ceaser, then to bury him, then point out that they never liked him. Townshend's explanation - who, remember, the Spectator just said might not have done anything wrong - is suddenly making "pathetic excuses."

Perhaps the problem is that Boris Johnson isn't sure if he's got any opinions here, and so he quickly scampers off from simultaneously saying how its a bit of a shame that the people who get arrested on Operation Ore will never be able to rebuild their reputation (funny how 'Oh yes, you're the chap who looked at the kids being raped' is one of those things you can't shake off) and damning the people on the list as "warped and pathetic" to consider the actual nature of the crime.

The problem is, reckons the paper, not that Townshend looked at pictures of children, but that he paid for them. It wouldn't be a problem if he hadn't. So is Johnson's paper suggesting that, providing no money changes hand, the swapping of pictures of small boys being fucked is fine?

Just in case we run away with the idea they know what they're thinking about, they suddenly change tack and say how much better off we'd all be if there was no porn at all, anywhere. Ever.

So, let's just get this straight:

Pete Townshend perhaps hasn't done anything wrong.
It's terrible that people accused of child porn offences can never leave the stigma behind.
People accused of child porn offences are twisted and sick, but don't deserve to be punished unless they actually pay for the images.
We'd be better off if there was no porn at all. But, presumably, if there must be porn, it should be free.
All clear?