Bunton to breakfasts

You know what George Osborne hates? Besides kittens, love, fun, poor people, tax for rich people, biscuits, people mentioning that whole thing with the prostitute and the drugs, people snickering at him, rainbows, kettles, sunsets, Nadine Dorries, wellington boots, your family and especially your grandmother, Essex, The Only Way Is Essex, Yazz doing The Only Way Is Up, D:Ream, space travel, combination padlocks, bicycles, the noise cars make when you lock them with a remote control, Keith Lemon, bitter lemon, Lemony Snicket, children, mittens, The Sound Of Music, creme brule, Delia Smith, southern Austria, that strange slurping noise Iain Duncan-Smith makes when he drinks tea, the M6, pay and display parking meters, rubber-soled shoes on polished floors, floor polish, floors, flaws, whores, s'mores, horses, men called Kevin, women called Kevin, cross-dressers, Welsh dressers, old maids, liebfraumilch, the way cows' eyes just stare at you, people who won't let him forget the time he got on a train and sat in first class without the proper ticket, eggs, dinosaurs, dinosaur eggs, Nick Clegg, Nick Rhodes, John Taylor, Roger Taylor, the other Roger Taylor, The Tailor Of Gloucester, Gloucester, Doctor Foster, Steve Foster, foster parents, Meet The Parents, Meet The Press, napkins, Nat "King" Cole, coal, Coal Miner's Daughter (the song AND the film), the Song And The Story with Isla StClair, Isla StClair, Linda Blair, Tony Blair, Lionel Blair, Give Us A Clue, I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, Sorry I'm A Stranger Here Myself, There's A Ghost In My House, ghosts, toasts, celebrity roasts, Julian Huppert's beard, the face Vince Cable pulls when he's thinking, Dele Fadele, cartoons, the back seat of Volvos, Bogshed for changing their name from The Amazing Roy North Penis Band, shops that sell artisan bread, artisans, breads, shops, Tony Benn, Big Ben, Ben Dover, Long Dong Silver, Nate Silver, maths, calculators and more kittens?

Besides that, George Osborne hates shirkers. Especially people who lay abed of a morning, with the curtains pulled. He'll be delighted to hear, then, that Emma Bunton won't be one of them, as she'll be getting up early to co-host Heart's breakfast show with Jamie Theakston in the new year.

UPDATE: We've just been told George Osborne hates Emma Bunton.

Global Radio to launch two unwatched music channels

As more and more TVs get connected to the internet, with the ability to stream YouTube and other videos through the big screen, is there any segment of the TV industry looking more doomed than the music video channel?

We can only assume Global needs a massive tax write-off, then, as it brings Capital and Heart to the TV.

Yes, not one brand, but two largely unloved and virtually identical brands. Pumping out videos 24 hours a day.

Why?

Apparently brands unextended are not brands at all:

[Ashley] Tabor, Global's founder and executive president, said: "Global prides itself on clear, simple brand propositions for its consumers.

"Brand extension is a natural thing for us to do, for example online, mobile and live events, so I'm delighted we're now bringing both Heart and Capital's top-class brand quality to music television."

Living in Milton Keynes, my experience of people's view of Heart's brand quality would mean the TV service should operate for years under the Horizon brand, with lots of local content, before slowly declining and eventually adopting the Heart branding timed with an 'All Bruno Mars, all the time' policy.

It might sound crazy to launch music video channels in 2012, but in a way, it makes sense - nobody watches Heart when it's on the radio, and nobody will watch it on the TV.

Dunstable rallies to save its Heart

Even after years of having been abused and rebranded by Global and the previous owners, Dunstable's Heart FM is still held in high esteem by its local audience. They're, understandably, upset at the suggestion that their local station is going to be shunted off to the godforsaken hell that is checks paperwork Milton Keynes.

So far, the campaign hasn't progressed beyond the not-actually-doing-anything of a Facebook page, but the organiser is heartfelt:

Jo Dawkins, 39, of Pitstone, launched a Facebook campaign to halt the move. The web page now has more than 750 followers and is growing daily.

She is worried that the move could spell the end of all the local news the station normally reports on.

The mum also fears for the popular presenters who currently front the show.

It does demonstrate that the localness of the local stations is precisely what makes them special to the audience. Global may or may not take any notice of the Facebook page, but perhaps they should be listening to the free focus group they've got here.

Gordon in the morning: Sky Blunt

Could the story about James Blunt playing a gig on a plane get any more toe-curling?

JAMES BLUNT took time out from recording his third album to claim a new world record yesterday - playing the highest-ever gig.

How about if it involves Jay Kay as well?

He performed in a plane at 42,000ft, smashing the previous record set by JAMIROQUAI in 2007 when they gigged at 35,000ft.

And James vowed to rub pal JAY KAY's face in it. He said: "I'm going to ring and have a good gloat. I can't resist."

Heart FM underwrote this jaunt - strange for a radio company which doesn't think it has the cash to do decent local radio that it's chartering planes for drones.

There was one bright spot in the story, though:

After the gig, sorted by radio station Heart FM, [Blunt] said: "I've reached the peak of my career. I'll have to retire."

Well, yes. You actually reached the peak of your career when people bought You're Beautiful in large numbers. But retirement... yes, why not?

Sadly, he's only joking, and fully intends to launch a new album soon. Jay Kay is probably on the phone to NASA.

Global rip Heart out of local radio

Just when you think that Global are done making local radio rubbish, they announce new plans to make it even more rubbish. Ofcom has allowed them to cut the number of Heart stations from 33 to 15.

Yes, what were once local radio stations are now going to become something else entirely - vaguely distant radio, perhaps?

Ashley Tabor, the Global Radio founder and Global Group chief executive, said Ofcom's regulatory change "enables commercial radio to organise itself more efficiently and take advantage of new technology to enable our people to work smarter".

"Although this has meant some brave decisions for our business, these changes considerably strengthen our company by providing listeners with higher quality programming and our customers with a far superior service," Tabor added.

Yes. Because why would you want to listen to programming from where you live, when you could tune in to something coming from the other side of the country?

It's fascinating to see Tabor use the phrase "enable our people to work smarter", an irritating and empty cliche which even the hardest-hearted management wonk dropped from their repertoire around the same time as 'do more with less' was recognised to be little more than a polite way of yelling 'do more work for less money' at a browbeaten staff.

Let's take a look at what this all means by seeing what they're doing here in Milton Keynes. What used to be Horizon Radio was turned into Heart Milton Keynes a while ago, and now will become Heart Home Counties:

Another new station, Heart Home Counties, will be made up of four Heart stations currently broadcasting from Northampton, Milton Keynes, Bedford and Dunstable.

Because of the changes, Heart is going to double its local news - to one whole minute every hour. But, erm, it's quadrupling the area it covers. So, in effect, you're going to wind up getting half as much local news as you used to.

This is what Global believe to be "higher quality programming".

And 'Home Counties'? Seriously, who calls where they live The Home Counties? Unless you're taking part in Round Britain Quiz, it's not a phrase that people really use in every day life. And Northamptonshire isn't even one of the Home Counties anyway.

Things get worse diagonally across the nation:

Four more stations in Wales and the north-west of England will become Heart North-West and Wales, broadcasting out of Wrexham.

Granada used to have to try and pretend that there was some sort of connection between Chester, Rhyl and Skelmersdale because of an accident of geography. But there isn't, not really, and this sort of 'draw a line around some places and that's a coherent region' approach shows exactly how much contempt Global have for their audiences.

How much longer till the 15 fall into a quasi-national, single blob, then?

Darkness at 3AM: Heather takes Heart

I suppose there's no reason why Heather Mills shouldn't ring up radio phone-in competitions to win free Whitney Houston tickets:

Mills, 42, was selected randomly after calling herself "Heather from Hove" - and correctly got a song lyric.

It just looks a little, well, cheap.

The really interesting thing about the Mirror's story was discovering that Richard Linfield's moved from Southern Counties to Heart. I think I understand why they didn't make that the headline, though.

Global Radio: Listening as they retune

Stephen Miron, who is in charge of Global Radio, talks to the Guardian today, in which he explains where he sees commercial radio heading in the future:

"Our challenge as an industry is to make sure we provide absolutely compelling reasons why listeners should go from analogue to digital," Miron says. "That means making sure listeners can get everything they get on today's FM radio as a minimum, and creating compelling new ones that will attract listeners."

Oddly, Miron's Global has been busily cutting back the range of services available on FM, to the point where Ofcom has been clearing its throat about it. If you can't deliver on FM what audiences are used to on FM, how are you going to be able to do so on digital?

Miron's idea is to get the government to pay for it:

Discussions are at a sensitive stage, but Miron is adamant the government must hand operators an incentive to invest. "As an industry we have already invested £180m in DAB with very little return," he says. "That's a lot of money."

Is it? Global spent £370m on buying Capital - part of a half-billion acquisition spree- so it's not like £180 million across an industry across the best part of a decade is such an awful lot of money. And given that there's precious little to show for it, an outsider might wonder if handing tax quids to a bunch of companies whose brightest contribution to DAB so far has been recording of birdsongs would be the wisest way to spend the money.

James P also sent some observations about his attitude to his network of formerly local stations:

It's all fairly bemusing stuff (particularly his comment that the Heart rebranding happened because "There are lots of itty-bitty stations all over the place" - Apparently simultaneously frustrated by and dismissive of those pesky local stations with their irritatingly different markets and locations), but the strangest claims come at the end. He says "We have advertisers who say, we wish we could advertise on Radio 2. Well now you can - it's called Heart". I can't work out if he's optimistically trying to plug his stations, or if he genuinely believes Heart stations are a rival to Radio 2, and hasn't realised that one of the main reasons people listen to Radio 2 is because those advertisers *can't* advertise there. (That and the more interesting playlist, better presenters, lack of 'speedlinks' instructing you not to miss tomorrow's Breakfast with Jez and Mel for your chance to win £50 with Scruttocks Windows and Conservatories, etc).

At the moment, Radio 2 is doing Big Band Special, which will be followed by Viva Latino. On Heart, Simon Beale is playing a Jamelia record on Heartbreakers. The two networks are virtually impossible to tell apart, aren't they?

Heart-breaking

The change-over of a large swathe of the UK's local radio stations from well-loved local brands to the Heart brand is a bit of a marketing challenge. Given that the advantages of the downsizing is all for Global Radio - cheaper to market, cheaper to make - while the listeners don't really get anything out of the deal, how do you sell it?

Badly, it turns out.

These billboards have sprung up around Milton Keynes - probably one out of every four bus stop has started yelling "give it some Heart".

Honestly? When I first saw them my two thoughts were "blimey, the British Heart Foundation's keep fit message this year is a bit scrappy" and then "... but they've got some money to splash on the posters."

The trouble is, you have to get really close to the ads to see that they're related to radio, and announcing a "new radio station" for Milton Keynes. From a distance, seen briefly - as is the case for most posters looking out on dual carriageways - you wouldn't know that's what they're pushing.

It could work, though, as a reminder of a call to action from another medium. And there is a TV advert, too.



This is a rum bit of work. We're supposed to believe that Jamie Theakston is taking the staff photo? Why would that be? Even if things are so tight at Heart that they can't afford a proper photographer, wouldn't it make sense to get someone other than the big name of the network to take the actual photo?

More to the point: Theakston is only on the London station, so it's a bit misleading to have him playing such a key role in the advert, isn't it?

There's also the problem of rebranding so many stations at once. Here in Milton Keynes, on TV, the strapline is "new to Anglia". On the poster, it's "new to Milton Keynes". But the station isn't really new at all - it's an existing brand slapped on a bunch of existing stations. The decision has been taken to pretend that Heart Milton Keynes is all-new, so there's no word on the poster that this is pretty much the Horizon FM you might have known and loved; there are so many different stations covered by the TV advert there's no room to mention the bunch of frequencies they're all broadcasting on. So you don't know it used to be SGR or whatever; you don't know where on the FM dial it is. Googling won't help you. Those posters could have helped solve the problem - scream 'give it some heart' if you must, but put '103.3' in big letters, too.

It was always a rotten idea, but with a bit of thought, at least the switchover to the one brand could have been made friendly for the audience. It looks like the brief, though, was to spend as much money while creating as much confusion as possible.

Oasis get XFM into trouble

It's a bumper Christmas special sized Ofcom complaints bulletin this month, kicking off with TalkSport's £20,000 fine for James Whale endorsing Boris Johnson for London mayor. It would have been more but Ofcom were worried that a larger fine might make it difficult for TalkSport to make the kind of programmes its known for - which, you might think, would be reason alone to fine at least into six figures.

Then, XFM gets rapped after its Scottish service broadcast a live Oasis gig at 8pm:

On reviewing a recording of the material provided by GCap Media Ltd. (“GCap”), which controls and provides compliance for the station, Ofcom noted that the programme contained the word “cunt”, as well as several instances of the word “fucking”.

XFM apologised and has bollocked the producer responsible, but did try a half-hearted defence:

GCap asked Ofcom to note, however, that listeners to Xfm Scotland expected edgier content and that very few children would be listening to the station at that time.

Why would someone seeking "edgy" content be listening to an Oasis gig?

More trouble for Global over at soon-to-be-sister station Heart, which got carried away promoting Mama Mia! The Musical at the same time as taking sponsorship money from the filmmakers:

Heart said that it is a music and entertainment station primarily targeted at women in their thirties and that it aims to provide them with interesting and relevant lifestyle features. The broadcaster believed that the launch of ‘Mamma Mia! The Movie’ was “a massive showbiz event which presented an outstanding opportunity to engage with the lives and lifestyles of [Heart’s] target audience.” It added that not only was it editorially justified for Heart to have provided extensive coverage of the event, but its audience would have expected it.

Good lord - if you were running a radio station during a commercial downturn, would you really want to portray your target market as a bunch of people whose week would be wrecked if they didn't keep getting reminded about Meryl Streep lipsynching to Super Trooper?

Ofcom asked them to tone it down in future:

In conclusion, Ofcom accepts that there was some editorial justification for references to ‘Mama Mia! The Movie’ in Heart’s programming during this period. However, in this case, the sheer volume, nature and tone of references resulted in the references appearing to be contrived and in some places, gratuitous. This resulted in the station giving undue prominence to the film and also promoting it as a product. Ofcom considered that the station output went beyond informing listeners about the recent release of a film that was likely to interest them. This resulted in breaches of the Code.

I'm not sure what the sanction will be - possibly every member of the audience has to be given a bottle of Lambrini or something.

6Music's Nemone came to grief during an interview with Doug Stanhope, who called two of Sarah Palin's children "retards":

Doug Stanhope: [Ms Palin] is a 44 year-old mother of five, two of which are retarded.

Nemone Metaxus: These are your, [laughs] obviously, your views…

Doug Stanhope: One’s got Down’s Syndrome and the other volunteered for Iraq . So that’s two retards out of five.... Oh nothing. They give me nothing, nothing but blank looks.

Nemone Metaxus: Doug this is your opinion, your opinion of what’s happening back home, so obviously, if something kicks off in America …

Doug Stanhope: For Pete’s sake, don’t stare at me like that. The woman has a baby with Down’s Syndrome; how can America get behind her when even God obviously hates her. [laughs]

Nemone Metaxus: I think we’ll leave that to you. That’s obviously what you think about I’m sure there are some….

Doug Stanhope: So that’s some of the stuff we’ve been dealing with.

The only way you could make this more unpleasant would be to suggest there was something 'edgy' about calling people with Down's "retards":

The broadcaster pointed out that BBC 6 Music is aimed at an adult audience and that Friday’s edition of Nemone in particular, regularly features guests with edgier, more adult orientated material.

What does that mean? It's okay to call people retards providing the audience is over 18? Surely the point is that this is offensive - in the thoughtless, cruel sense of the word - rather than a naughty swearword?

I think Ofcom might have issued its first ever sarcastic response in this case:

Ofcom acknowledges that BBC 6 Music attracts a predominantly adult audience and that regular listeners who are familiar with the irreverent style of its presenters and guests may not necessarily find the use of words such as “retard” offensive.

... "I mean" said Ofcom, "if people are tuning in for the George Lamb show it's not like they're going to be that sophisticated in their tastes, is it?"

Finally, perhaps in the interests of political balance, Guardian Media Group's 96.3 Rock Radio had its own jaw-dropping moment:

Donald Macleod, a Scottish music industry entrepreneur and newspaper columnist, presents a show on weekdays from 18:00 to 22:00 .

During the broadcast in question, the presenter said the following when introducing the song ‘Black Hole Sun’ by Soundgarden:

“Barack Obama’s favourite song. Your Mum’s got a big black hole, son” .

Don, in his offensive, insisted that he didn't mean this to sound racist and explained that he'd been "under some pressure within the studio". And he does seem pretty angry with himself that something so unpleasant slipped out.

Oddly, nobody seems concerned that it was also unpleasantly sexist, too. Perhaps that's something for another time.

GCap does it again. Twice.

You might have thought that being fined a million quid might have focused the minds a little at Global radio's GCap stations, but it seems not - the new owners are still contacting Ofcom with offences to be taken into consideration: the latest Ofcom bulletin details how one Mercia (soon to be Heart) presenter responded to an April technological breakdown during a competition by, erm, ringing up her neighbour to take part (the neighbour won, surprisingly); meanwhile, on Mercury (soon to be Heart), they simply made up a competition winner's name.

Presumably, though, these will be the last instances to be uncovered?

Global slaughters local radio in the UK

It's been confirmed that the key result of the GCap-Global merger is the loss of most semblance of localness in local radio across vast swathes of the country - out goes Southern, Invicta, Fox and GWR along with loads of others. They're going to be rebranded Heart on the grounds that... well, there's probably a business case. It might be savings on the headed notepaper.

BRMB will be saved, as it's being flogged off.

However will Global pay for their GCap takeover?

By cutting costs, of course: Heart and Galaxy are going to "network" much of their programming. James P emails with this:

Only breakfast and drive shows will survive on Galaxy (Heart also get to keep their local mid-morning programmes). Everything else will be networked, with Global claiming it will offer a "quasi-national proposition to advertisers". It's also being described as a 'cost-cutting measure'.

The Global chief executive has an interesting reason for this disposal of local shows; "People assume networking is about big name DJs. It's not, it's about quality presenters. If you take 50 different radio stations there cannot possibly be 50 good presenters at every station in a particular slot. Why not take the two or three quality class players and put them across the network".

The sad part is that he doesn't seem to question why there aren't '50 good presenters at every station in a particular slot', or wonder if it's maybe because the increase in networking across commercial stations means a reduction in the hours for those slots where 'good presenters' got their first break. In the past, off-peak slots could be used to try out new talent. Now they're filled across the country with the same presenter who's, you know, adequate.

Still, when the 'quality class players' decide to take that better job at the BBC or a bingo channel and Global realise there are no experienced presenters to take their place, I suppose there's always ex-Big Brother contestants...

It also misses the things that local radio do really strongly - or did, to be honest, before cost-cutting set in - which is to be local. It's like saying "what's the point of gossiping with people in your street, who might not be very good at it? We'll have one, giant gossip, covering your entire region - you won't actually hear any gossip about people you know, but it will be delivered in an expert fashion.

Radio audiences: we have a difference of opinion, Geoffrey

Proving, perhaps, that the RAJAR figures are so hard to navigate you can read into them what you wish, Digital Spy and MAD.co.uk report simultaneously on a 10% and 16.6% share of radio listening for Digital audiences. The discrepancy, of course, is because Digital Spy is quoting the figure for audiences listening on a DAB receiver, while MAD is looking at any digital platfrom.

The news isn't good for commercial digital broadcasters, though, as of the five largest ad-supported digital-only stations have had their audiences slip over the last quarter; of the big five only Heat managed an increase.

New owners of EMAP's old radio business, Bauer Radio, might be sucking a thoughtful tooth when they discover Q had displaced a quarter of its listenership between September and December.

Happily, a weak set of commercial results was balanced by strong figures for 6Music - edging ever closer to the magic half a million mark despite the new shouty-boy daytime schedule - 1Xtra and BBC7.

Back on old fashioned radio, Moyles is closing in on Terry Wogan - now just 420,000 listeners shy of his breakfast rival. Although Moyles has been doing the show four years now; at this rate Wogan's going to be dead before he catches him.

London's always diverting battle sees Capital continuing to languish in the area it once dominated; Heat and Magic are both the biggest radio stations now depending on if you care about reach or share. They'll take some comfort in that the gap between them and Kiss is a little wider - 90,000 listeners compared with 10,000 this time last year - although 'victory in the battle to avoid dropping to fourth place' isn't much of a song to sing to the shareholders.

They might be feeling a little vindicated, though, looking at XFM's performance year-on-year: their share of total listening in London hasn't shifted - 1.3% - but the size of the audience has nudged up from 479,000 to 513,000. Killing off presenters has brought in more listeners.

All year-on-year comparisons, by the way, are effectively valueless as RAJAR changed it methodology in Summer 2007.

Anyone who had a heart op: Not me, says Macca

Paul McCartney has taken to the internet to deny the stories circulating that he's had a heart op:

"There was a minor irregularity which I needed to have tests for and which I have now been assured is completely fine."

Saying he wanted to set the record straight, he joked: "I have secretly been enjoying all the sympathy."
[...]
Sir Paul said the tests took place over a year ago.

"The media have only just recently reported an exaggerated version of this and that is why people have been asking me if I am OK," he said.

Actually, Paul, people are asking you if you're okay because over the last twelve months you've started to look drawn and haggered, heart op or no heart op.

Curiously, this might be one of those rare occasions where the Daily Express has been proved to be rig... to be riiiii... no, however hard I try my computer keeps rejecting the phrase suggesting that Britain's number one source for Diana-and-Maddie fibs might have been correct. But it was the Express which reported back in 2006 that McCartney had had a heart scare - although the McCartney camp, erm, denied the story:

A spokesman for Sir Paul denied the visit was caused by a health scare.

They said: "Sir Paul had a routine, regular check-up. It was not to do with his heart and was something planned for some time."

Presumably the current denial of that denial is intended to make the denial of the more recent story seem more plausible, although on this basis, McCartney's people will respond to his obituary with a chipper "he's not dead, but did have heart surgery in 2008 which is probably where this story originated."

It's up to Paul what he chooses to make public, of course, but if his people had just told the truth in 2006, he could probably have avoided this rumour taking hold.

GCap gets a sniff

GCap - owner of Capital Radio - has confirmed that Global Radio has offered to take over the company. With GCap running Capital and XFM, and Global owning Heart and LBC, it's unlikely a merged company would be able to hold on to all those London FM licences. It'd be interesting to see which a united group would feel they could do without.

Radio City, Clyde under threat?

Some of the strongest local radio stations in the UK could disappear if Charles Allen buys EMAP's radio portfolio, according to Scotland On Sunday.

Allen's plans are, apparently, to wipe out what individuality remains in the "Big City Network" by changing all the stations to the Heart branding owned by his Global Radio group.

Amongst the stations which would disappear are... well, as you've probably gathered from the headline, Radio City in Liverpool and Clyde 1 and 2 in Glasgow - radio brands which have over thirty years of history and a strong local identity.

Heart murmurs

The future of Heart and Galaxy is up in the air this morning as owners Chrysalis announce a review of their business. Amongst the possible options are a demerger of the radio and music divisions:

Chrysalis chief executive, Richard Huntingford, added: "The latest Rajars and current trading confirm that we start this process from a position of considerable strength.

"We have no preconceived view on the outcome of the review, other than a commitment to ensure Chrysalis Radio's participation in the long-term development of the UK radio sector and thereby deliver the greatest benefit to all stakeholders, including shareholders, listeners, advertisers and employees."

Our instinct here - and forgive us our cynicism - is that the second on that list of stakeholders might be lowest in list of priorities.