Saturday, January 31, 2009

Mini Liveblog: Your Country Needs You

So, after six weeks, it's time for the three finalists to battle out it to represent the UK in Eurovision. Sorry, did I say battle it out? It's more a limp-off.

Who have we got to choose from? There's Jade, who is like an attempt to build a Leona Lewis out of Mariah Carey's make-up bag. There's Mark, who could very well get chosen out of a Buzzcocks line-up if they were looking for one out of Blue. And there are The Twins, who are twins. And only a little reminiscent of those White Power twins who were on the tv a while back.

The votes are just coming in: Graham Norton is trying to get an air of excitement building.

Mark's number three - which is lucky, his estate agency probably would need him to do a Saturday shift the weekend of the event anyway.

The winner is... of course, there's a bloody long gap, because this is a reality show and you can't just say who won without giving a pause; if this carries on returning officers will start doing it in council elections - "Therefore I declare... ... ... ... the Conservative candidate duly elected to represent Barley Row and Goldenham."... The winner is Jade. She does a quick reprise of the song, as someone empties the foil recycling box on her head. And she sobs. And sobs. And sobs.

Of course, it's nice to be sent to represent the UK, but it's not like we're going to win with this one. Sure, Lloyd Webber has written it, but he's barely written a decent song since Evita and this sounds like something that he'd originally planned to pad out a Never On A Sunday rather than, say, bring Jesus Christ Superstar to a peak. And you have a sneaking feeling Marti Webb could have made something a little more out of the bag-of-bones song than Jade is going to manage.

Incidentally: Lloyd Webber's bags are now gathering so badly under his eyes that they're starting to have to move out onto his cheeks to make room.