Saturday, January 15, 2011

Gordon in the morning: Rihanna tries to watch the game

- Morning, Bizarre junior. Anything to pad out the bits that aren't talking about the Katie Price divorce this morning?
- Nothing much, Mr. Gordon, sir. We got some photos of Rihanna watching basketball
- Ooh, that sounds interesting
- Not really, it's just a woman watching a basketball game
- Let me see... that one's a bit dull... that's slightly out of focus... looks a bit normal... aaah! this is an interesting one...

- This one? But it's just a picture of her looking at the game like all the others, Mr. Gordon, sir.
- Ah, but don't you notice? She's been caught with a look on her face that looks like she's a bit upset.
- But that's just a single photo where she has a bit of a glum look, isn't it? And she only looks like she's going 'oh, that was an easy point missed there'.
- Rubbish, minion. By the time we've put a title on the web page which reads "Rihanna looks depressed"... and then pumped up the text around it like... this:
SULTRY R&B artist RIHANNA looks pretty close to tears as she watches a basketball game.
... we'll have her on the edge of suicide watch.
- But... but... is it...
- Is it what?
- Is it true, Mr. Gordon, sir?
- I've told you about using language like that, haven't I? Look, I hear Lady Wade is looking for some fall guys to take the heat for Coulson's phonetappers and hunters club over at the News Of The Screws, so if you don't like it here...
- No, no, sorry, Mr. Gordon, sir. You're right, sir.
- Tell you what, given that we know it's a load of old bollocks, I'll add some ironic distance by adding one of my super trademark gags, shall I? Make it clear it's all in fun.
- You do gags? I mean... erm, yes...
- Let's try this:
Maybe it was her hairdo that made her see red.
... because her hair is 'red'. Do you see?
- But why would her hair colour make her angry? And aren't we saying she's depressed and upset rather than angry? Wouldn't that be blue rather than red... ow, ow, ow, don't hit me so hard with your metal slipper.