Saturday, March 26, 2011

Yes, Duff, it's 'being on the road'

Duff McKagen sounds, oh so much, like a man trying to rationalise something:

"You're away from your wife and whatever, and I don't fuck around – but there are no women on the bus," he outlined. "All of a sudden, well, your bass player's got long black hair, he's wearing his little sister's pants, and out of the corner of your eye he looks like a hot chick."

He added: "We call it 'road gay'. We don't actually act on it…"
Yes, it's not actual sexual attraction. It's just because you're sitting on a bus. It's well known that sitting on a bus for more than an hour can make you "confused" and you start fancying anything. It's why the cross-country National Express pull in at Milton Keynes for a fag break on most trips to allow all that pent-up sexual energy to dissipate. They had to rebuild the Coachway to cope.

I'm wondering if Duff has a list of these scientific explanations. I'm picturing something like:

- It must have been my eyes streaming from that hot chilli
- It must be the air conditioning has frozen my brain a little
- It must be that I'm stood too near a large magnetic source
- I suspect it's possible that he's really a woman dressed as a dude like in that Shakespeare play... yes, yes, that's probably it... he must really be a lady, and there's nothing wrong with that, is there? In fact, I maybe should get him to remove his trousers, because that's how I can be certain he's a lady, right? Obviously, he might have some sort of prosthetic device down there to make it convincing, so I'd have to check that out, maybe by grabbing it and having a good tug, just to see if it comes off... but if it's really tightly attached that might not work, so perhaps I should taste it as well, just to see if it tastes real. Yes, that'd be it
- It must have been the crate of beer and half bottle of bourbon


James said...

"It's why the cross-country National Express pull in at Milton Keynes for a fag break on most trips to allow all that pent-up sexual energy to dissipate. They had to rebuild the Coachway to cope."

Arf! My one enduring memory of National Express journeys is the stop-off at Milton Keynes, where we got to sit for ten minutes watching the Crap Skateboarders. The Crap Skateboarders were brilliant! Every journey they'd be there, trying to pull off the most basic of jumps and instead managing the most elaborate of faceplants. In all my years of making that journey, while the rest of the world moved on, the Crap Skateboarders remained reassuringly crap.

I might go back one day to see if the Crap Skateboarders are still there. I hope they are.

Simon Hayes Budgen said...

We still have them in Milton Keynes, but with one small change.

They no longer hang out at the coach station, but instead have moved to the central bus station.

During the summer, they sometimes move into the gardens next to the theatre as well.

Anonymous said...

I thought that was why motorway rest stops are only allowed (by law) to sell stale Ginsters' pasties and Lucozade... combined, they form a magical chemical antidote to Bus HornTM.

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